******

 

Two weeks later, around midnight, Taekwoon calls Hongbin. He hasn’t been able to talk and can only send texts every now and then. Within three rings, Hongbin answers.

 

“Hyung?” he cheerfully says.

 

Taekwoon smiles. “How are you?” he asks.

 

“I miss you,” he whispers, the background obviously changing and becoming quieter. “Makes me regret I chose to go on this trip.”

 

Taekwoon laughs.

 

“I’ve taken a lot of photos,” he continues. “I never knew half of the things here actually exist. Lots of nice flowers. There’s a flower that reminds me of you, I’ll show it to you when I get home!”

 

Taekwoon smiles at the fact that he calls where Taekwoon lives “home”. It makes him miss his presence on his couch, where he lies now. The tangles in his hair and how they were so easy to break apart, or how fragile he feels under the palms of his hands. He wants to drive to Busan and stay with him. He hates this distance, and it’s not even that big of a deal.

 

“What’s the name of the flower?” he asks.

 

Silence. “I don’t know.”

 

Taekwoon breathes out from his nose and gives a small chuckle.

 

“But it’s pretty!” he swears. “And it’s got this soft pink on the edges and this dark red on the inside--it just reminds me of you!”

 

“A pink and red flower?”

 

“Yeah. You’re kindly shy but brightly...caring.”

 

Taekwoon doesn’t reply. He can say the same thing to Hongbin, but that’s not him really.

 

“Sorry I missed our two-month anniversary.”

 

Right, that happened. Hongbin texted him at six in the morning reading, “Happy 2 month!!” and told him to go to the cafe to celebrate. He said he’d be at one too, so it can be like a celebration.

 

A celebration Taekwoon would want.

 

“We spent it together, didn’t we?” Taekwoon asks.

 

“Yes, but I don’t remember what you ordered,” the other jokes.

 

“Latte. You?”

 

“Coffee.”

 

“Boring.”

 

Hongbin bursts into laughter. “Want me to order something better for our three-month then?”

 

“Are you really okay with us going to the cafe for our three-month?” Taekwoon asks excited.

 

“No,” Hongbin replies to his disappointment.

 

“You choose where we should go then.”

 

“Why me? Why not you?”

 

“Because I’ll go wherever you’ll go.”

 

“Then why aren’t you here with me?”

 

“Because you left with Jaehwan.”

 

Hongbin laughs loudly, and for a while. Taekwoon would’ve stayed with him if Jaehwan didn’t take him to Busan, or if Jaehwan wasn’t in Busan. The chance of running into him is always big for some reason with Taekwoon. He wouldn’t call it fate. Fate is the least of things that would describe the two.

 

“I’ll tell you where I want to go when I get back, okay? I need some time to think since you don’t like anything.”

 

‘I like stuff,” Taekwoon defends.

 

“Bye Taekwoon,” Hongbin coons.

 

“See you later.”

 

Their phone call ends like that.

 

******

 

With one last wipe on the island counter, Taekwoon finishes cleaning up the apartment. Hongbin comes back today, and though Taekwoon always keeps things tidy in the small apartment, he wanted to make the place shine.

 

Everyday he called the other on the phone, asking how he was and what he did that day. There was always something new with Hongbin. He can never get tired of him. He wouldn't stop talking about that flower, which secretly made Taekwoon the happiest person alive. Being related to a flower isn't too bad in Hongbin's eyes.

 

Taekwoon waits the rest of the day. He's expected to come around eleven at night, and it's three in the afternoon.

 

Taekwoon didn't sleep last night. The clock was being annoying and he was just too excited for today. The clock isn’t usually annoying, it’s just that it seemed louder last night. Maybe because Hongbin was the one who had turned it on? Maybe Taekwoon is insane? Taekwoon can’t answer that himself.

 

He turns on the television and it’s the same cartoon. The one without a name. If he stays up, he can figure it out and finally feel a little more at peace. Problem is: he’s way too sleep deprived.

 

His eyes close on the couch and he sleeps peacefully.

 

Until, of course, it gets interrupted. By a phone call.

 

From Jaehwan.

 

Taekwoon wakes up and looks at the time. Ten, the clock reads, so he ignores the call and goes back to sleep. It was probably just a call letting him know he's on the way. It’s not Jaehwan’s voice he wants to be hearing anyways.

 

But then his phone rings again. Taekwoon is already comfortable, so he ignores it once more.

 

By the time it's the ninth call, it is only 10:02 and Taekwoon is done with hearing it. He answers.

 

"Why the hell didn't you answer your phone?" Jaehwan yells into the phone before he can even say “Hello?”.

 

Before Taekwoon can reply, the insults come rambling in.

 

"Stupid son of a ! I knew, ever since the beginning, that you weren't deserving of Hongbin. I've called you nine times! Nine! What the are you up to at this time? Sleeping? Shouldn't you be awake, waiting for him?"

 

Taekwoon can hear mumbling from behind--most definitely his wife--and Jaehwan kindly protesting to whatever she's saying.

 

"Why did you keep calling me?" Taekwoon asks.

 

"Because you're so damn ungrateful to not answer after nine calls and you don’t think once that maybe it’s in regards to something extremely important! Maybe I shouldn’t even tell you the whole issue. I’d like to see you suffer because you didn’t answer a freaking phone call--"

 

The phone's taken from him. Jaehwan yells in the background at whoever took it. He curses loudly, and that’s when Taekwoon begins to worry. It can’t be about Hongbin, right?

 

"Jung Taekwoon," a woman's voice says this time. "While we were on our way back home, Hongbin said he was feeling a little tired, so we stopped at a gas station nearby to get him some soda. While we were in line, he began to have short breathes and within a couple seconds he collapsed. We rushed him to--"

 

"What?" Taekwoon breathes out. He can’t believe the words coming out of . Hongbin’s a healthy person--fit, eats all the right things, counts his calories, everything. How can someone like that simply collapse?

 

"Hongbin's in the hospital."

 

For a moment, everything becomes muted and the only thing Taekwoon can hear is the rushing of thoughts in his head. Is he dead? What happened? Is something wrong with him? Is he okay?

 

Is his heart okay?

 

"How's his condition?" he chokes on his words.

 

"They said severe," she replies, "but it didn't look that way..."

 

"Wh-Which hospital?" Taekwoon stutters.

 

"Um, uh, hold on let me get you the address."

 

After a few seconds, she gets him the address and Taekwoon becomes numb all over. He manages to end the call and get his car keys, getting support from the couches and trying to stabilize himself.

 

He's at the hospital Hakyeon died in. The hospital that's evil and filled with blood and screams. The hospital that makes you feel like you're living under oppression. The one hospital he’s been through too much in. Taekwoon’s heard Hakyeon die, seen Hakyeon being wheeled out of his room, was told of Hakyeon being a heart donor, met Hongbin, asked Hongbin to move in, which ultimately altered his entire life because of that hospital. He can’t be in that hospital. Nothing good comes out of that hospital. And yes, sure, Hongbin came out of that hospital, and all was good, but now that this has happened, it can’t be good at all. Not in that hospital. Not in the hospital Hongbin was glad he didn't die in.

 

******

 

Jaehwan is outside the hospital when Taekwoon arrives. He simply parks his car in front and gets out.

 

“Where do you think you’re going?” Jaehwan asks him before he can reach the door.

 

“I’m going to Hongbin,” he answers, to which Jaehwan clutches onto his arm and makes the other face him.

 

“He’s fine.” That simple statement is all he says.

 

Taekwoon blinks and tries to rip the other’s fingers off of him, but Jaehwan keeps his hold.

 

“Go back home.”

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“Go. Back. Home.”

 

“If you’re telling me to go back home because I didn’t answer your damn phone calls, that’s stupid. You maybe think that I’m the one who ed up on this, but it’s you.”

 

“How did I up? Was bringing him to a hospital ed up?”

 

“No, but bringing him to this”--Taekwoon points at the doors--“hospital--the hospital he was in for months with heart problems, the one where he listened to screams every night and saw blood on the walls, the one where he was glad he didn’t die in--is the most ed up thing you could do to Hongbin.”

 

“If I took him to any other hospital, he’d be dead!”

 

“Dead?” Taekwoon laughs. “You just said he was fine. You know what your wife told me? It didn’t look severe. You know what this hospital told me? Hakyeon was dead, but his heart, you know, the thing that keeps you alive? That’s damn alive. I don’t believe a word this hospital says.”

 

Jaehwan pulls Taekwoon towards his car, ultimately pushing him into the driver’s seat and starting the car himself. “Go home,” he says. “I’m only telling you this to benefit Hongbin.”

 

"What kind of benefit--"

 

Jaehwan slams the car door shut and stays, staring at Taekwoon through the dirty window.

 

Taekwoon stares right back at him. He's tired, angry, and he looks just about ready to push the car back to his apartment himself. His hair's a ruffled mess. His clothes look unorganized, and there's something that makes Taekwoon want to leave. He may want to see his boyfriend, but not Jaehwan. Not like this.

 

He drives.

 

******

 

The door creaks open. Shoes are taken off and the door is shut before light footsteps walk through the apartment. A bag is thrown on the floor. A pair of wheels stop moving. A quiet sigh resonates like an echo in a cave. Another door opens and closes. The sound is louder. The bed is weighed down. Legs crawl under the blankets and take up the empty space. A soft moan is heard.

 

Hongbin's home.

 

******

 

Hongbin asks a strange question later on that week. It makes Taekwoon think for a while.

 

"In the future?" he asks, as if uncertain if there will ever be one.

 

"Mhm," Hongbin replies. "What do you want to do in the future?"

 

"What do you want to do?" It seems like a good question to avoid, so he asks it back.

 

"Easy. I want to travel the world and take pictures of it all."

 

Taekwoon smiles at him as the other opens his mouth to get more into detail.

 

"I want to see the sun go up on the other side of the world, see cherry blossoms fill the streets, try new foods that are yet to be tasted. Climb mountains, feel rivers, step in the different oceans. I want to do that. All with the help of a camera."

 

"I'll do whatever you want to do."

 

"Hey, that's not original!" Hongbin complains.

 

"Want me to meet someone else in the future?"

 

"You can't!" he whines. He moves closer to Taekwoon and kisses him. "I won't forgive you."

 

"When do you want to travel?"

 

"Next year. We should go for Christmas!"

 

Next year is an even number. December is the twelfth month. The week of Christmas Eve is on the 18th. Christmas Eve is the 24th.

 

"Even numbers are weird."

 

Hongbin raises an eyebrow. "You've got a thing against even numbers?"

 

"No, they're just...weird."

 

"Okay then...September this year? We can start saving now!"

 

"What makes you think that we'll earn enough money to travel the world by this year? Let's wait two years."

 

"But hyung!"

 

Taekwoon grabs one of Hongbin's cheeks and lightly pulls. "Don't complain," he whispers with a smile.

 

Hongbin his finger, causing Taekwoon to move as quickly as possible.

 

"Hey!" Taekwoon yells and laughs at the same time.

 

"Get a stable job and we can go this year," Hongbin replies.

 

Taekwoon continues laughing. "That's like me telling you to quit school, okay?"

 

******

 

Their month anniversary plans have been delayed once, and Taekwoon won't let it happen once more. He's got everything ready: a morning at the cafe, a walk in the park, lunch at home, dinner at the edge of the beach--it's all ready.

 

For once, he's excited. He's excited for something. He hasn't been excited for months.

 

Taekwoon wants to spill out his love for Hongbin tonight. He wants to tell him how he's the breeze on a hot day, the rhythm of his favorite song. He's every breath he takes.

 

It's not surprising to not find him lying next to him in bed. He's either cleaning or making breakfast.

 

Today he's making breakfast.

 

He hopes he didn't work too hard. It's only been a week since Hongbin has left the hospital and he's still scared out of his mind. He doesn't even know what's wrong. All Bin told him was that he just couldn't take the heat up in Busan, but he doubts that's the case.

 

To top it off, Jaehwan said it was okay and to just go home.

 

That means it's not okay. He's either trying to pull something off or protect one of us.

 

What can breakfast be? Pancakes? It can't be cereal. If it's cereal, Taekwoon's going to put Hongbin's face in it.

 

He gets out of bed, fixes his hair a bit, and goes out into the living room of their small apartment. At the stove is Hongbin, still in his pajamas, cooking up something that smells like meat. Taekwoon can't pin it down since he just woke up and is way too excited for the day.

 

"Good morning," Taekwoon says, getting slowly closer to the kitchen.

 

Hongbin turns around. He has weak eyes and looks limp, but he forces a smile. The most forced smile Taekwoon's ever seen--and this man does not fake his smiles.

 

"What's wrong?"

 

The other nods, but the smile is quickly wiped off his face and he begins to have short breaths.

 

Taekwoon's eyes widen. He makes his way to the kitchen as quickly as possible. "Hongbin-ah."

 

“I’m fine,” he says quickly.

 

“Bin.”

 

He collapses before Taekwoon can get to him.

 

******

 

Hongbin’s room number is an even number. Of course it is.

 

He sits outside the room. After he brought him to the hospital, they brought him into the ER and checked up on him. Taekwoon hasn’t heard any updates for thirteen hours. He’s tired already, but he’s staying up because he’s scared they’ll do something wrong to him. The closest hospital was, of course, the one he has no trust in at all. Hongbin will probably be mad when he wakes up, but that’s okay.

 

A doctor comes out of the room and asks Taekwoon if he’s a close relative. He takes a few seconds to think, but eventually nods because he doesn’t want them to ask further questions.

 

“As of now, he is fine,” the doctor begins. “He’s awake and can go back home, but you’ll have to take care of him for a while. We’ll have to prescribe him some meds and give you a list of precautions--”

 

“Why?” Taekwoon asks.

 

The doctor takes a deep breath in. “He has heart failure, but we don’t know what’s causing it. It may deal with the fact that he’s had it for a long time, but it shouldn’t mean anything since he has an implanted heart now. We are still trying to find out the prob--”

 

Taekwoon walks around the doctor and into Hongbin’s room. He isn’t convinced. He isn’t convinced that they can’t find out why he has heart failure. Hell, they’ve had him for thirteen hours and all they can tell him is something as obvious as heart failure?

 

He slams the door behind him, jolting Hongbin up in his bed. Both immediately regret their actions afterwards.

 

“Sorry,” Taekwoon says, rushing to his side to help him lie down in bed comfortably.

 

“What did the doctors tell you?” Hongbin asks. “I want to know if they told you the same thing they told me.”

 

“You can go home.”

 

“That’s true.”

 

“You have heart failure.”

 

“Got that.”

 

“They don’t know why.”

 

“I knew they were missing something.”

 

“They didn’t tell you they don’t know the reason why?” Taekwoon gets mad.

 

“Calm down, I know where I am and I know how I’m expected to be treated. A patient at a cheap hospital. I used to live here.”

 

“Look, let’s leave. I’m going to take you to another hospital.”

 

“What?”

 

Taekwoon flashes a smile. Despite Hongbin being in an ugly hospital gown showered with grey polka-dots in a plain colored room, the fact that he’s awake after thirteen hours makes him happy. He wants to see him happy for a long time, and that’s why he wants to find out why he’s got heart failure.

 

“We’re going to leave, I’m going to take you to a good hospital, and we’re going to find out why you have heart failure. Do you understand?”

 

“I’m tired.”

 

“Too bad.”

 

******

 

Hongbin’s room numbers are always even numbered. Always. Not even Taekwoon’s apartment number is an even number, but wherever Hongbin is, it is suddenly even.

 

“My house number used to be 428-16,” Hongbin blurts, noticing Taekwoon stare at the number above the door.

 

He turns his head to him. “Are you serious?”

 

Hongbin nods.

 

“You’re full of even numbers,” Taekwoon says.

 

“When’s my birthday?”

 

“September 29, 1993.”

 

“My entire birthday is an odd number.”

 

“Maybe that’s why I like you.”

 

Hongbin flashes his famous eye smile. It stands out from the mint-painted walls, making him glow ever so nicely.

 

A good hospital, one that makes Hongbin shine.

 

“Taek?” Hongbin’s voice raises a little.

 

“Yes?”

 

“What do you think the reason will be? Do you think it’s just my heart problems spreading to my new heart? Maybe something new is wrong with me?”

 

Taekwoon sits next to him on the patient’s bed. One arm goes around the other’s waist while his free hand plays with his long fingers. “I think,” he begins, “it has nothing to do with you. But whatever the case is, we will deal with it together.”

 

The door opens right at that moment and Taekwoon’s hand and arm slip away from Hongbin. He stands up, eager to hear the results of the check up done on him earlier.

 

The doctor takes a deep breath. “The results….it’s a lot to swallow.”

 

Hongbin moves Taekwoon’s right hand behind his back and holds onto it tightly.

 

“The previous hospital you went to do a great heart implant on you, Hongbin, but…”

 

Taekwoon can feel the other shaking. His grip on his hand becomes tighter, to the point where Taekwoon wants him to let go.

 

“The heart they put in you wasn’t one that worked too well.”

 

******

 

Once they are back home, Taekwoon locks himself in his bedroom. He sits on the edge of the bed and repeats everything he just heard in his head.

 

Did you know the heart donor, per chance?

 

Yes.

 

What was the cause of death?

 

He had an intracranial aneurysm.

 

Hm…that affects the brain more than it does to the heart. Did they tell you how he died?

 

All they said was intracranial aneurysm. We figured it was just an overflow of blood in the brain.

 

There must have been something more in order for the heart to be like this. The donor may have had more problems than just with his brain, but we are not able to tell. Your heart is failing again, Mr. Lee, as you were told, but it’s not why you think. It has nothing to do with your genetics. The heart that they put in you should have never been used as an implant. The condition it was in was not right. How long have you had this pain, Mr. Lee?

 

It’s been on and off for about a month.

 

How long have you had this heart?

 

A little over six months.

 

I’m not sure why they would have put this heart in you if it wasn’t getting enough blood to it in its original donor.

 

Is there anything you can do?

 

We’ll try to figure something out.

 

And what the doctor told him before they left.

 

I don’t think we can find a match for him. His original heart already put his body in a bad condition, and his new one made it worst. Spend as much time with him as you can.

 

Hakyeon’s death was more painful than planned. Not only did his head flood with blood, but his heart attacked him in some sort of way. His heart could not have been able to keep beating in his body, because it can’t even keep up in Hongbin’s body. For so long, he thought that Hakyeon could have lived, that they could even be married at this point, if only they had let that heart regain its beating back in him.

 

But he was all wrong. Hakyeon’s heart was not one that could be revived.

 

Hakyeon was meant to die.

 

Taekwoon had loved the heart for so long. He even learned to accept that it wasn’t Hakyeon’s heart anymore, but Hongbin’s. But is that true? What if Hongbin’s heartbeat is just Hakyeon’s failing one?

 

Hongbin’s been knocking on the door for a couple of minutes.

 

“Taekwoon, open the door,” he repeatedly asks.

 

He opens the door reluctantly. Hongbin stares at him, making severe eye contact that makes Taekwoon shudder.

 

“Talk to me,” Hongbin says.

 

Taekwoon walks back to his bed and Hongbin closes the door behind him. Placing himself next to him, he continues to looks at him with his brown eyes.

 

Taekwoon says nothing.

 

“Why won’t you talk to me?”

 

Taekwoon glares at him from the corner of his eyes.

 

Hongbin pressed his lips together and sighs. “So you want me to say it for you?”

 

“How would you know what I’m thinking?” Taekwoon whispers.

 

“Try me, Taekwoon. This is still my heart. Yes, it was Hakyeon’s, and yes, it didn’t even work in him, but who says we can’t fix it in me? It’s lasted for this long, why can’t it last for the rest of our lives? Our hearts are the same, but so different.”

 

Hongbin holds Taekwoon’s hand and puts it directly above his heart.

 

“This beat that you know so well...it’s mine, hyung. Please don’t think of it as Hakyeon’s.”

 

Taekwoon moves his head to where his hand is and places his ear right above it. “That’s not what I was thinking, Hongbin.”

 

******

 

Taekwoon doesn’t even carefully place the flowers. He throws them near the gravestone, causing one rose to fall out of the bouquet and several rose petals to be on the ground. He bites his lips, clenching his fists and looking up at the sky.

 

“I loved you Hakyeon,” he begins, starting off softly. “I really did, and when the person you love dies, you can’t really stop loving them. But here I am, to talk to your dead body about that. How many lies did you keep from me? Did you even know that your heart was ? Could the hospital really up that bad?” His voice raises. “You’re the one who signed the paper. I can’t believe I was dumb enough to just think your brain killed you. You die when your heart stops, and me, thinking you died because your brain was a wasteland of blood, thought your heart was uneffected. Of course it wasn’t. And now that heart of yours is in the love of my life. Ironic, isn’t it? The heart of the love of my life is now in the new love of my life. And now he’s dying because you signed a ing piece of paper! One swift move of your wrist, with a pen in your fingers, and my boyfriend is facing death. Hongbin keeps saying the heart is his, that it’s his now, and it is. The heart beat is different, but it’s still your heart. Everything but the problems it had left.

 

“I remember your last breath, Hakyeon. I remember hearing that ugly high C ring through your hospital room, out the door, and into my ears. It was like the ground crumbled under me. Then I found out you signed the paper, and I let Hongbin live with me because I was so obsessed with your heart. It was the last thing I thought I could keep of yours. I later found out it wasn’t even yours. That realization doesn’t even matter anymore because the heartbeat can change, the size can change, the home of it can change, but it still originated in you. Now Hongbin is dying.”

 

Taekwoon finds tears falling down his face. He furiously shakes his head. “Hongbin is dying and he’s trying to make me believe he isn’t because he doesn’t want me to go through the same thing I did with you. He doesn’t want me to blame you. There is no one else to blame but you. Your heart used to have such a great melody until that high C. Hongbin’s heartbeat is even more beautiful. It has a melody, and you can still hear all the instrumentals and harmonizing in the background, but now, because of you, it’s going to die with a high C. Congratulations, Hakyeon. You’re a dead murderer.”

 

******

 

Two weeks later, Taekwoon enters the apartment with the groceries and feels something wrong. No, not feels.

 

Smells wrong.

 

“Hongbin?” he calls out. “Hongbin, where are you?”

 

He leaves the groceries on their island counter and looks around the living room. He opens his bedroom door but finds nothing. He proceeds down the hallway, looking into Hongbin’s room, but still nothing.

 

The smell is stronger in the hallway. He follows it to the bathroom. He knocks first. “Hongbin, are you in here?”

 

Knocks again.

 

“Bin-ah?”

 

He twists the doorknob and finds it locked.

 

“Hongbin! Hongbin, open the door!”

 

Taekwoon panics and runs to the kitchen, finding something, anything to open the door. He reaches into the junk drawer and finds a wrench.

 

Not knowing what to do with it, he simply slams the knob with it and tries twisting it. No luck. “Hongbin,” he mutters through his teeth.

 

He drops the wrench and digs through his pockets. Maybe a paperclip or some metal object.

 

He takes out his credit card. He’s seen it been done in movies, so it should work in real life. He puts the card in between the door and the frame, finding the bolt of the door and angling it downward. He moves the card around and feels it get right in between. He twists the doorknob and it slightly opens.

 

Taekwoon drops the credit card and opens the door fully, the smell now stronger. He finds nothing in front of him, so he looks towards the end of the bathroom. His eyes widen and his hand reaches for his phone.

 

Hongbin lays there unconscious with more than a pack of used cigarettes on the floor around him, a lighter in his left hand, and an unlit cigarette between his fingers.

 

******

 

A doctor comes out of Hongbin’s room, which just so happens to be 628, and Taekwoon stands up. “Any news?” he asks.

 

“Uh...I think you should sit down for this,” the doctor warns.

 

The ambulance took Hongbin to the closest hospital, which just so happens to be the crap one. Taekwoon still doesn’t have his full trust in them, but all he can do at this point is believe them.

 

Taekwoon takes his seat back on the bench, the doctor grabbing a nearby chair and placing it right in front of him. “Hongbin’s heart,” he begins, “is failing a lot more rapidly than we thought it would. Do you know about the circulatory system, Mr. Jung?”

 

Taekwoon shakes his head.

 

“Well, the circulatory system is what gets the blood to all parts of your body. Your brain, your arms, your feet--all of it. In order for it to get everywhere, it goes to the heart, which pumps the blood and helps it get around. Hongbin’s blood is not getting to the heart, therefore blood is not getting to the rest of his body, but we believe that the blood is still being made. All three of those factors are life threatening.”

 

Taekwoon nods his head. “Is he asleep?”

 

“Yes he is, but you are allowed to stay in the room.”

 

“Thank you doctor.”

 

Hongbin wakes up three hours later. When he opens his eyes and sees Taekwoon, he smiles, but he notices Taekwoon is only glaring at him.

 

“Good morning.”

 

“Why were you smoking the cigarettes?” Taekwoon asks in the most serious voice possible.

 

“I told you this when I moved in, I don’t--”

 

“Second-hand smoking is just as bad.”

 

Hongbin stays silent.

 

“Are you going to answer me?” Taekwoon yells, standing up from the sofa inside the room. “Are you going to give me an answer as to why you want to make your lungs worse than they probably already are because of those cigarettes you’ve been smelling? It’s not only making your lungs suffer, Hongbin. Your heart is weak and you decide to light four packs of--”

 

“I lit three packs.”

 

“Don’t lie to me, Hongbin. I counted each cigarette and how much are in a pack. You had seventy-nine cigarettes on the floor, and with the one in your hand, it would be eighty. Why? Why did you risk your health?” Didn’t you think about me?

 

“I wasn’t feeling good, Taek. I hadn’t smelled a cigarette since the first time you caught me and beat me up for it. It was fine, because since that moment, I stopped feeling like . You came into my life and I didn’t need to smell the smoke. But yesterday, I just felt...ty. Not because of us or you, but because of me.”

 

“What was it about you that made you feel ty?” Taekwoon asks softly, walking up to his hospital bed. Hongbin scoots over a bit and pats the space next to him. Taekwoon lies down and holds his hand, rubbing little circles on the top.

 

“I’m still trying to figure out.”

 

******

 

It’s 4 A.M. when Taekwoon hears something in his ears. He keeps his eyes closed, but wakes his mind up to hear what’s going on.

 

“I felt ty because I know I’m dying,” he hears Hongbin whisper, “and I know you know I’m dying. I don’t want to die, not because I’m afraid, but because I don’t want you to go through it again. The best person in the world doesn’t deserve to have the love of their life die twice. It’s unfair, and I keep beating myself up and crying myself to sleep because I’m letting you down. If I was strong enough, I’d pay everything I’ve saved up to get another heart transplant just to be with you. I don’t want us to end like this. I want to grow old with you, I want to see the world with you, I want to marry you, Taekwoon. I want a life with you and a house to live in with you. I want you to complain about even numbers for the rest of my life, I want to hear you sing in the car. I want the best for you, and starting this relationship, I was so, so happy that I was able to give you the best. Now I’m here on this hospital bed with a failing heart. My heart, Taekwoon. It’s my heart. Not Cha Hakyeon’s. The reasons I have this heart failure isn’t only because his heart wasn’t in the best condition. I was born with a body that wasn’t in the best condition. I’ve had heart problems since I was a kid. Putting a new heart in me only removed that temporarily. I can be an and think that this relationship we have was a mistake because of my health problems and your obsession with a heart that wasn’t his anymore, but it wasn’t a mistake. It was the best thing I’ve ever done in my life. I am so happy that I can call you mine and you can call me that back. I wouldn’t trade this for the world. I love you Taekwoon. I don’t want to leave you this way--in a way that’s too familiar to you already. I’m so, so sorry, Taek.”

 

Taekwoon hears him sniffle. He kisses the other’s forehead lightly and continues to leave little butterfly kisses all the way till he reaches his mouth. “It’s okay,” Taekwoon says against Hongbin’s lips. “You’re okay, I’m okay, we’re okay.”

 

Hongbin kisses him, putting his hands on Taekwoon’s shoulders and pulling him closer.

 

******

 

Familiar. Something sounds familiar.

 

Taekwoon’s eyes open then burn because of the lights. The sound echoes, and he tries to figure out what it is. It’s loud--really loud, as if it’s right next to him. He looks at Hongbin, sound asleep, then look at the machine to his side and sees a straight line on the screen.

 

It’s a loud, high C.

 

He gets out of bed just as the doctors come in. The only thing he can even think of and say is Hongbin. The doctors are saying numbers and he hears a loud buzz. Hongbin’s body lifts every time the buzz rings and all Taekwoon can do is watch.

 

A nurse begins to push him out of the room. He begins to shake his head.

 

“Sir, you need to get out--”

 

“No,” Taekwoon whispers. “No, you have to bring him back. He needs me here you can’t kick me out--”

 

“Sir, we need as much space as possible--”

 

“I don’t care!” he screams. “I don’t--”

 

Just as he’s through the doorway, the high C goes away and a slow beeping sound begins to echo. Taekwoon releases a sigh of relief and pushes the doctors away to get to Hongbin. He holds his hand and begins to cry. His breathing is normal and his eyes are closed.

 

The doctors walk out and a nurse fixes up a couple things.

 

“I’ve seen you before,” she says. “Not here, but somewhere else.”

 

Taekwoon looks at her.

 

“With him. I’ve seen you with him.”

 

He recognizes her too and makes a list of places he goes to. “The cafe…?”

 

“Yep. I used to work there till I got hired here. Taekwoon, right?”

 

He nods.

 

“Good to see you again.” She finishes up what she’s doing and faces Hongbin. “He’s strong, okay?”

 

Taekwoon smiles at her, wiping his tears.

 

******

 

A week later, they’re both back at home, finally being able to celebrate their four month anniversary. Hongbin blows out the candle on top of the cupcake they’re eating.

 

Hongbin has been doing a lot better. Though he still looks a little tired, he does say he feels a lot better. His smile is still bright. He’s still the same as ever.

 

“I’m glad you’re back,” Taekwoon says.

 

Hongbin smiles. “Is that so?” He takes some frosting on the cupcake onto his finger. He reaches for Taekwoon’s nose but the other grabs his wrist just in time. Hongbin frowns, then bends his finger and manages to get the tip of his nose. Taekwoon looks at the frosting, then back at his boyfriend, who is containing his laughter. With control of his wrist, he turns it around and puts the rest of the frosting on his nose.

 

Hongbin begins to laugh and Taekwoon smiles.

 

“Do you remember what I said to you that one night, Taek?” he asks.

 

“Yes.”

 

“How about we travel the world this year?”

 

Taekwoon’s eyes widen. “I-I don’t have enough money.”

 

“We don’t have to go far. We can go to China or Japan. They’re the closest things to us. Plus, you’re not the only one who earns money.”

 

“You’re a college student.”

 

“Yeah, we have vacation too. We can stay there for, let’s say, a week. Let’s start our journey around the world in Japan.”

 

Taekwoon nods, cutting their cupcake in half with a plastic fork. “I think that sounds good, but let’s do it later in the year.”

 

Hongbin only smiles.

 

“Hongbin?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Are you okay?”

 

“I’m fine.”

 

Nope. No he’s not. He’s not excited or anything, he isn’t the person he is. He should be happier than this.

 

“I got you something, Hongbin. I’ll be right back.”

 

He goes to his room and opens up a drawer. He stares at it. He bought it in the moment, thinking about that night Hongbin spilled everything out. He thought it was the best ring in the shop and it was just right for Hongbin. If you could put Hongbin into a ring, this would be the ring. A cushion cut ring. The seller told him that it was a symbol of timeless love, but Taekwoon wasn’t going to fall for that bull. He chose the ring because the design just reminded him of Hongbin. The layers of diamond reminded him of his several personalities. His happiness, his kindness, and his tad bit of shyness. The brightness of it was the biggest factor. Hongbin is always the brightest.

 

I want to marry you.

 

He takes out the ring box, puts it in his pocket, and walks out of the room. He grins thinking about their future as husbands.

 

“Hongbin, I--”

 

Hongbin is holding his head in his hands when he first enters, but lifts his head when he hears Taekwoon. “Y-Yes?” He smiles through short breaths.

 

Taekwoon walks quickly towards him. “Hongbin, are you okay?”

 

“I-I…”

 

Taekwoon runs towards the house phone and immediately dials the emergency number.

 

“What’s your emergency?” the operator says.

 

“He can’t breathe well, my boyfriend can’t--”

 

Thud.

 

******

 

Blurred. Vision is blurred, but Taekwoon knows he’s following behind the bed Hongbin is being rolled into the emergency room with. The nurses are yelling over all the noise and all Taekwoon wants to hear is Hongbin’s heart beat. He gets to the doors and they hold him back. They always hold him back.

 

A couple hours later, Taekwoon sits outside Hongbin’s room. 390. Coincidence. A doctor steps outside and says, “Mr. Jung, we have some news.”

 

Taekwoon stands up and nods.

 

“It’s really nothing new. Blood is taking too long to get to the rest of his body and his heart is failing him faster than it was a week ago.”

 

“Is there anyway to fix it?”

 

“We are still trying to find a way.”

 

“Can I go in?”

 

“Yes, but he’s asleep right now, and you are not allowed to stay the night in his room.”

 

Taekwoon nods and enters the room, the same nurse who used to work at the cafe finishing up with Hongbin.

 

“Don’t try to wake him up or anything, okay Taekwoon?” she says. “It’s almost one in the morning. Don’t try and stay here too long. Make sure you get some rest too.”

 

She dims the lights and walks out of the room.

 

Taekwoon drags a chair next to Hongbin’s bedside. He stays on his left. He holds his hand and begins to speak. “Japan sounds like a great start, you know? I think I’d prefer it over China. I studied a bit of Japanese in high school, and since you wanna go there, I think I’ll get back into it for you. Does that sound good to you?” Tears begin to swell his eyes. “I can’t wait to see the look on your face when you see something fascinating and to just lift your camera to your eyes and take a picture. From there we can go to China. I’ll make enough money for the two of us. I’ll work more jobs, I’ll do whatever I need to do for you to see the world, okay?”

 

He takes out the engagement ring from the box and holds it in his hand.

 

“Would you say yes, Hongbin? Do you love me enough to marry me?” A tear falls down onto his arm. “I love you enough to give my heart, so you can stop suffering like this. I know it hurts you, Bin. The pain of you not having enough blood to get to the rest of your body, I know it’s hurting you. But look at you. You can endure anything, but if it were up to me, I’d make sure you didn’t have to endure anymore. That’s how much I love you. Would you marry me, Hongbin? Would you say yes when you wake up tomorrow?”

 

A little tap. Taekwoon feels a little tap on the top of his hand, the one that is holding Hongbin’s. He looks up at his boyfriend and begins to sob.

 

“I didn’t mean to wake you,” Taekwoon whispers.

 

Hongbin gives a little nod and taps his ring finger.

 

Taekwoon slips the ring into his finger and smothers his hand with kisses. “I love you, I love you, I love you.”

 

******

 

A single sound is audible from outside a patient’s room. What note could it be? An A? Maybe even a B flat?

 

Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, ti, do. Taekwoon sings it in his head, trying to match the tune. He finds it to be a high C, which is fairly close to A and B flat. He’s proud of himself for being close.

 

Doctors come rushing through the hall Taekwoon sits in. How do the doctor’s know which room there’s a dead person in? Whenever there are sounds from the rooms across each other, they sound equally distant. There’s the room across from him, and there’s the room with the person whose heart is failing him.

 

In other words, the room with the stranger and the room with Taekwoon’s boyfriend.

 

Are they both dying?

 

As he sees the doctors rush in, he hopes that they rush into the room across from him--the room with the stranger--instead of the one he usually waits outside of. Much to his surprise, the doctor’s run into the door he waits outside of.

 

Lee Hongbin’s room.

 

He doesn’t think much of it until he realizes that the plain high C is familiar--too familiar.

 

Hongbin is dying again.

 

Taekwoon runs up to the door and finds it unlocked. Rather than opening it, he puts his ear against the door and tries to listen.

 

Clear.

 

Buzz.

 

Again.

 

Three, two, one.

 

Clear.

 

Buzz.

 

High C stops.

 

No beeping sounds.

 

Give it a couple more seconds.

 

Nothing.

 

Taekwoon barges through the hospital door to find them covering up Hongbin’s body.

 

Time slows in that moment, right before the cover reaches his eyes.

 

It’s happening again. Another love of Taekwoon’s life is dead. His lover, his fiancé, his everything. All gone in a blink of an eye, in a beat of the longest high C. Taekwoon feels the ground below him crumble again, he feels arrows piercing his heart and being pulled out right after. There’s an anger swelling inside of him, wanting to blame these doctors, this hospital, Cha Hakyeon and his heart.

 

He yells and runs towards Hongbin’s body, a waterfall gliding down his cheeks. “Don’t cover his eyes!”

 

Doctors immediately grab his shoulders and hold him back. “Do not cover his eyes!”

 

The nurse, the one who used to work at the cafe, holds the cover, looking at Taekwoon with pain.

 

“He wants to see the world!” Taekwoon yells. “He-He can’t go and see the world if you cover his eyes!”

 

The doctors’ strength beats Taekwoon’s and they slowly begin to drag him out of the room as the cover goes over the dead man’s eyes, but Taekwoon’s love for Hongbin is stronger than that. He rips himself out of their hold and runs to Hongbin’s side, sliding the cover down and holding Hongbin’s still face in his hands. His eyes are closed and he wants to open them so bad, to see the beautiful brown light him up. He kisses him on the lips. “Don’t you dare leave me. I love you. We have to go to Japan, remember?” he says through tears. “You-you have to go take pictures. We have to grow old together. We have to get married, Hongbin!”

 

He looks up at the nurse, who is looking back down at him with such sadness. “Take my heart. Give him my heart.”

 

The doctors grab Taekwoon again and drag him out. He watches the nurse cover his eyes again.

 

“I told you to not cover his eyes! Uncover them! Take my heart instead, please, just let him have my heart! I don’t need it, please!”

 

******

 

The day of the funeral, Taekwoon met his family. His father, his mother, his sister, and his grandma. His father told him that Hongbin talked about him a lot, said his son called him his best friend. He began to ask him questions, like if Hongbin had a girlfriend and how he was doing in school, since Hongbin didn’t talk to him too often. Taekwoon smiled and said he didn’t have a girlfriend. He also had mentioned that his studies were going very well, that he was planning on going to Japan to take some pictures.

 

His mother asked him how Jaehwan was doing, and if he was still his best friend. Jaehwan had come up at that moment and hugged his mother, rubbing her back at the same time. He laughed and told Hongbin’s mother, “I’m still his best friend, but I wasn’t as high up as I used to be. Taekwoon took my spot quite quickly.”

 

“How did you meet our Hongbin?” she asked.

 

Taekwoon had stuttered weird sounds. He didn’t even know how to answer the question.

 

“Taekwoon here used to work at a cafe Hongbin went to everyday. They became best friends since then.”

 

Taekwoon nodded.

 

“He became a fan of his latte, Hongbin told me it is the best.” Jaehwan smiled at Taekwoon.

 

His grandma asked him why they buried Hongbin here, at this cemetery, rather than the one closer to home. Taekwoon told her that he wanted to be buried here because he thought the placement was beautiful.

 

Taekwoon’s biggest lie yet.

 

Hongbin never chose a place he wanted to be buried, so Taekwoon chose it for him. Right next to Cha Hakyeon, the person who gave him life and death. The reason why he did so was obvious--he loved them both, and still does. Both brought such pain and happiness to his life. They never knew each other, but they were connected. The strongest connection between two strangers. The two different heart beats, all contained in one.

 

His grandma couldn’t help but agree, though she wished he was closer.

 

Hours later, they put the casket in the ground. Everyone but Taekwoon cried. Unlike Hakyeon’s case, Taekwoon already realized Hongbin was dead. Nothing physical is left of him. He heard him die anyways. He kissed him before he died, became his fiancé before he died, held his hand before he died. After he died, he kissed him, he was still his fiancé, and rather than holding his hands, he held his face, his beautiful soft face.

 

When the family was leaving, Hongbin’s sister had come up to him and asked him a question he was not expecting.

 

“Who was he engaged too?”

 

Taekwoon began to stutter again. He couldn’t even say that it was his girlfriend, he already told his mother he didn’t have one.

 

“Don’t panic, Taekwoon.” She had tears in her eyes--she even cried like her brother-- and began to smile. “My parents don’t know, but I know what he was. I’ve known ever since he first came out. Just tell me who, so I can give them my blessing, since they’ll never have my parents.”

 

That was when Taekwoon began to cry. He wasn’t sobbing, just a couple streams down his face and trouble catching his breath. His sister then realized and gave the tightest hug to him, one that felt like Hongbin’s, but could never be his.

 

“I don’t know you,” she whispered in his ear, “but he’s told me about you. He told me that he had your boyfriend’s heart and that you were so obsessed with it, you got scared when Hongbin was out of your sight. That was the last I heard from him about you, but I know you got over that. You even proposed to him. Thank you for seeing Hongbin as more than just a holder for his heart.”

 

She pulled away from him and held his shoulders. “You have all the blessings in the world, Taekwoon.”

 

******

 

He visited the grave a week after and found someone standing right in front. He walked up to the grave and stood right next to the person, who was a man. He had a sleek figure, dressed in all black.

 

He began to walk away, but Taekwoon called to him.

 

“Kim Wonshik.”

 

He could feel him stop walking away.

 

“I’d like to know what you’re doing here.”

 

“I…” he started off. “I’m visiting him.”

 

“I doubt he’d want you here.”

 

“I know I ed up but--”

 

“If, before Hongbin died this time, the doctors remembered that your heart was a match for him, would you give it to him?”

 

A long silence. Longer than the high C that haunted Taekwoon in his sleep.

 

“No.”

 

Taekwoon nodded and turned around to face him. Wonshik had silver hair, not as long as it was before, but almost the same length. His jaw was more defined and his arms seemed to have more muscle.

 

“Then don’t ever come back here again.”

 

******

 

“Have you lied to me before?” Hongbin’s voice drags.

 

Taekwoon tries to think of times he has lied. “Once,” he replies.

 

“What was it?”

 

“I don’t want to tell you. I don’t like letting people know.”

 

Hongbin turns around in his arms to face him. “Do you think you can tell me some time in the future?”

 

Taekwoon bites his lip. “Maybe.”

 

Taekwoon sits in his room. He stares at the three clocks in his room.

 

On the left wall, three evenly spaced out clocks are hung. There’s nothing else on that wall except those clocks.

 

Taekwoon walks into the doorway and leans on the side, his shoulder piercing into the jutting wood.

 

“Why aren’t they moving?” he asks.

 

They aren’t moving because they’re a story.

 

Taekwoon stopped the first clock when the minute and hour hand were both on the number six, stopped the second clock when the hour hand was on the number eight and the minute hand three minutes before one, and never the third clock, so the hour and minute hand are both at twelve. That was always up for decoration.

 

The first clock was stopped at 6:30 when Taekwoon realized how deep in love he and Hakyeon were, and since he found some weird interest in clocks, he stopped the first on those numbers to represent Hakyeon’s birthday. He’d never forget it this way, in case he turned out to be a terrible boyfriend (in which Hakyeon protested he wasn’t).

 

At first, the second clock was actually used as a clock to tell time rather than birthdays or decoration. That all changed when Hakyeon died. Once Hakyeon died, he had no other choice but to stop it on 8:02, the day of his death.

 

06.30.90. 08.02.14. Taekwoon thinks even numbers are weird, but Hakyeon is an exception. Taekwoon loves Hakyeon.

 

Taekwoon considers it his memorial for Cha Hakyeon. It’s his only picture of him that doesn’t show his face.

 

“It’s decoration,” Taekwoon misleads. It’s pathetic, but it should be enough to stop future questions on clocks and the meaning of 6:30 and 8:02.

 

Hongbin studies them closer. He strides by them slowly and looks wistfully at the last clock. He pivots his head to look at Taekwoon. He points at the clock. “Can I turn it on?”

 

Taekwoon glares at him and walks out of his room.

 

From outside, he can hear the power button sliding to the right and the adjustment of the clock. He knew he would turn it on.

 

Lee Hongbin was born on September 29, 1993. 09.29.93. Odd numbers, the ones Taekwoon likes. Problem was he was full of even numbers. His house number, even, his hospital rooms, even. He can’t even remember a time when his order number wasn’t even.

 

The last clock ticks, and the big hand moves to the next minute--eleven.

 

Lee Hongbin died March 11, 2015. He was the one to turn on the last clock, the one he wanted to tell time, the one he wanted to tick. Four months of dating, seven months of knowing each other. Their time together had gone by in a flash. He wasn’t even expecting him to have this big of an affect on him. He just wanted to take care of Hakyeon’s heart, and realizing that the heart wasn’t what tore him apart but rather pieced him together so eloquently changed him. All the kisses shared, the tears drowned in, the realizations of it all.

 

Even numbers are Hakyeon. Odd numbers are Hongbin. Hakyeon, the exception to weird even numbers, and Hongbin, the example of perfect odd numbers.

 

If it wasn’t for Hakyeon, Hongbin would not have ever happened to him. Without Hongbin, Taekwoon would not be the same person he is today, he would not be be as grateful for everything he has and would never have seen the world like he does today.

 

The clock is on 3:11 right now.

 

An odd number ending an even number would be wrong. On these clocks, at least. He could stop it right here, right now.

 

He reaches for the clock, but he hears the tick.

 

3:12.

 

He watches the clock tick for the next twenty minutes. Why stop it now? Hongbin turned it on, and Hongbin would turn it off. Taekwoon comes to the conclusion that if he let’s the clock tick, then he lets Hongbin live, and that’s the best way to commemorate Hongbin. To have him start it, and to never end it.

 

Taekwoon’s cheeks are wet by now. He tucks his legs into his chest and smiles as he cries.

 

He loves his even and odd numbers.

******