******

 

A single sound is audible from outside a patient’s room. What note could it be? An A? Maybe even a B flat?

 

Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, ti, do. Taekwoon sings it in his head, trying to match the tune. He finds it to be a high C, which is fairly close to A and B flat. He’s proud of himself for being close.

 

Doctors come rushing through the hall Taekwoon sits in. How do the doctor’s know which room there’s a dead person in? Whenever there are sounds from the rooms across each other, they sound equally distant. There’s the room with the stranger who needs some kind of transplant, from what Taekwoon was able to catch from a conversation, and there’s the room with the person whose brain is failing him.

 

In other words, the room with the stranger and the room with Taekwoon’s boyfriend.

 

They’re both dying.

 

As he sees the doctors rush in, he hopes that they rush into the room across from him--the room with the stranger--instead of the one he usually waits outside of. Much to his surprise, the doctor’s run into the door he waits outside of.

 

Cha Hakyeon’s room.

 

He doesn’t think much of it until he realizes that the plain high C that indicates someone’s dead came from his boyfriend’s room. It takes about seven seconds for that to kick in.

 

Unconsciously, Taekwoon gets off the bench outside the room and runs towards Hakyeon’s door, trying with all his willpower to break the locked door handle with just his hands.

 

“Clear.”

 

The high C continues.

 

“Clear.”

 

The note gets louder. Maybe it's just louder because Taekwoon can't focus. They don't usually increase volume.

 

A couple minutes later he is screaming, kicking the door as he hears the doctors stop trying to revive him. The sound of the high C stops, but any other noises afterwards don’t come from that stupid machine. In fact, there are no noises after that high C.

 

Cha Hakyeon is dead.

 

Taekwoon slides down the door and lets his head sink into his shaking hands. He can’t cry. He attempts, but he isn’t able to form actual water droplets that taste of salt and insides.

 

The door behind him opens and he instantly stands up, striving to look over the doctor’s shoulder and see Hakyeon but only finding him sheltered under a bag. The ground below him crumbles.

 

“He’s dead. We’re sorry,” the doctor plainly says. That’s all doctors really can say, it seems to him. He’s heard it too many times.

 

“He has an intracranial aneurysm. We’re sorry.”

 

“He doesn’t have long to live. We’re sorry.”

 

“The blood vessel ruptured. We’re sorry.”

 

“He’s dead. We’re sorry.”

 

They say sorry as if it’s their fault, which only means it is. Taekwoon yells and pushes the doctor away, making himself some space to fiddle through and get to Hakyeon. He scours the bag for a zipper, one that will let him see his face, but his hands are like s and all he can do is sing do-re-mi-fa-so-la-ti-do over and over again. Someone pushes him away from the bag and forces him out of the room, pinning him down on the bench outside as they wheel Hakyeon’s body out.

 

Taekwoon screams, kicking the person who’s pinning him down over and over again.

 

After minutes, Taekwoon relaxes and the person leaves.

 

He spends the night on that bench.

 

******

 

“He signed this?” Taekwoon asks with no emotion. “When?”

 

“When he found out he was going to die,” the doctor answers.

 

There’s a tremendous amount of light in the room. All the windows are open and it’s that time of day where the sun is most selfish and beams brighter than anything else. The chair Taekwoon sits on in front of the doctor’s desk is intolerable and it has specks of dirt in eerie places, which Taekwoon can relate to his hair. Once he woke up to bright fluorescent lights bothering his head in the hallway, he ran his fingers through his hair and dirt ruffled onto his sweat-drenched shirt, making him feel ill.

 

The paper that Taekwoon holds seems to be the only dark thing in the room.

 

“So...you still have his body?” he asks softly, uneased about the body being kept in such an evil place.

 

“Yes.”--.--“We’re finding a match.” The doctor replies so easily--almost too easily, like giving away someone’s heart is perfectly normal.

 

Taekwoon nods, aware that he can’t ask to see his body. They’re probably extracting his heart at the moment. It would be rude of him anyways.

 

Not letting him see Hakyeon’s body, even when he was dead, was quite rude of them too.

 

Taekwoon’s curiosity strikes up. “Then how did he die? Isn’t your heart supposed to be...not working when you die?”

 

“He died because there was too much blood in his brain,” the doctor explains to him again. He’s told Taekwoon the outcomes of intracranial aneurysm and all, but Taekwoon wanted to make sure if it was a lie. Maybe Hakyeon still could have lived, they just didn’t care and wanted to give away his heart. Since his heart is apparently better off in someone else. “His brain was basically flooded with blood. Then his heart stopped.”

 

“So you’re just gonna give it away?”

 

The doctor nods, shoving off the fact that Taekwoon made the question seem like he was adding murder to the hospital’s résumé.

 

All Taekwoon replays in his head is that they weren’t able to revive Hakyeon’s heart when it was in him, and now they want to revive it when it’s out of him.

 

Hakyeon didn’t let him know about this whole “hey, Woonie, I’m letting someone have my heart once I die” thing. That bothers Taekwoon. He had been there enough times when Hakyeon was awake--when Hakyeon acted like he wasn’t dying--for him to tell him something like this. Now it seems that it would have comforted Taekwoon back then, to know that Hakyeon was being a good Samaritan by giving his heart away, rather than it angering him now.

 

“Who will have his heart?” he asks, emotionless again.

 

“We’re still trying to find a match, Mr. Jung,” the doctor replies, transferring the signed contract to his hand. Taekwoon’s eyes follow it into a red plastic folder. “Once found, we will let you know, and if you’d like to, you can meet its holder.”

 

Its holder. He doesn’t know why, but referring to Hakyeon’s heart as an it seems cruel from a doctor’s perspective.

 

Taekwoon leaves the room reminiscing about Hakyeon’s heart. He remembers how its loud beat was the closest thing he’d ever get to heaven and that it truly resembled him and his love for stupid things.

 

Stupid things like Jung Taekwoon.

 

He begins to wonder where he’ll meet the person with Hakyeon’s heart. Will he even want to meet that person? Would it hurt too much? How does a new heart even work? Then again, Taekwoon isn’t sure how anything works. The first time he met Hakyeon, he wasn’t sure how annoying someone could possibly be or how despite his constant nagging, Taekwoon eventually would fall into doing what he wants.

 

Thinking about it was heart-wrenching.

 

Thinking about it made him wonder if the heart’s beating would change in someone else.

 

******

 

A week later Taekwoon received a call from Hakyeon’s sister telling him that the hospital had found a match for Hakyeon’s heart and had successfully completed the surgery.

 

Taekwoon’s stomach churned.

 

Since the family is eager to meet the replacement, they had already set a date with the patient without Taekwoon’s consent and the evil hospital was kind enough to give them a room to meet in once the patient was better.

 

“It’s the guy who was across from his room,” Hakyeon’s sister had told him. “I guess he needed a heart transplant.” A heavy sigh. “I can’t ing believe this.”

 

“Yes you can,” was all Taekwoon had replied.

 

Taekwoon now sat at a coffee shop alone, intently looking at the latte on the table in front of him. He usually just got swirls as the decoration, but this time the barista seemed to notice how down he was about life and drew an ecstatic heart. Now he doesn’t want to destruct it. The heart looks so nice, outside traced hearts joining into the end point of the heart. Swirls decorate around it, like confetti. The soft brown makes it look calm though, like being ecstatic is not all there is to being happy. His stomach growls for some sort of food or liquid, but Taekwoon just doesn’t want to drink it. It reminds him too much of what he is actually enduring. A heart being taken away from its original home and being put into someone else.

 

He takes the latte back to the barista and asks for a bear decoration instead.

 

******

 

Taekwoon made an oath that he wouldn’t befriend the person with Hakyeon’s heart, although he is meeting that person today. He made an oath because he couldn’t bear the thought that that person had his boyfriend’s heart, and that for some odd reason, it decided to work in him instead of Hakyeon, who would have gladly appreciated life given back to him. Just the fact that they took a heart out of a dead man and revived it in a dying man made Taekwoon shiver.

 

Another reason he made an oath is because he thinks he’ll become too attached to the heart and that he won’t be able to get over Hakyeon, who he still hasn’t cried over.

 

Taekwoon wants to cry, but now he feels like he can’t, simply because somewhere deep inside of him, he thinks Hakyeon is still alive because his heart is beating.

 

He has never been sure of the patient’s name. He’s only aware of his room number. 3562.

 

Even numbers are weird.

 

Taekwoon sits next to Hakyeon’s sister in the small room that was given to them by the hospital. It has an ugly cream color to it and seems to have some marker and blood stains in awkward places. The chairs they sit on are wooden with uneven legs. Taekwoon anxiously rocks side to side on it, waiting for the patient to come out like the rest of the Cha family.

 

“Do you think he’ll be like Hakyeon?” the older girl, her voice shaky and breathless, almost as if she was experiencing a traumatizing movie, asks Taekwoon.

 

Taekwoon studies her from the corner of his eye, noticing that she’s looking straight at him with a worried expression and tears ready to speed down her cheeks. He turns his head to look at her clearly and shakes it. “I think he’ll--”

 

Taekwoon never finishes his sentence because the door swings open and a tall figure walks through. Everyone waiting for him stands up on cue, their tissues prepared in their hands.

 

Once he stands steadily in front of them, he bows and introduces himself.

 

“I am Lee Hongbin,” he says hoarsely, causing him to clear his throat. “It’s very nice to meet you.” He sounds comprehensible this time.

 

As everyone begins to introduce themselves to him, Taekwoon examines him inaudibly. Lee Hongbin messily styled his hair but made it look decent enough to meet a group of people. It’s parted a little more than halfway and his locks sweep to the right elegantly. The hair on his left side seems to rise a little but stays near his scalp. His eyes are soft, its hue of brown making it seem like not all brown eyes look like puke and that they can be as beautiful as his. He keeps his hands behind his back, the corners of his lips curling up every time someone introduces themselves. He wears a white button-up shirt with the last two buttons undone and navy blue jeans to match his black, untied street shoes. His posture is excellent but his feet are small. His arms are beautiful but his legs lack, or at least they do in those pants. His neck isn’t as long as Hakyeon’s but it does suit well with his--

 

The girl to his side nudges him hard on the side and Taekwoon’s eyes broaden. He looks at Hongbin, who’s looking right back at him with a warm smile.

 

“Ah, I’m Jung Taekwoon,” he says quietly, bowing not even at 90 degrees but more like 72. “Nice to meet you.”

 

After his introduction, family members begin to flood over Hongbin, their tears louder than Taekwoon’s voice ever was in his years of living. Hongbin attempts to comfort them but only ends up having to deal with their hand or ear on his left , trying to hear or feel the heartbeat that was once Cha Hakyeon’s.

 

I’ve stuck with my oath, Taekwoon thinks. Good job.

 

The family begins to leave one by one after talking with Hongbin about Hakyeon’s life and stuff. Taekwoon thinks of leaving with them and maybe hitching a ride with Hakyeon’s sister even though he has his car, but he takes a glance back at Hongbin and changes his mind. He swiftly glides up to him and Hongbin stares as he gets closer.

 

They look at each other for a couple of seconds, each second feeling like Taekwoon’s looking through water and trying to find a piece of jewelry he lost on the floor. He can feel his stomach wanting to catch on fire.

 

Lee Hongbin is beautiful.

 

“Um, I--,” Taekwoon stutters. “Is your--.” He chokes on his words. Hongbin gives him a rare look. “Do you have a place to stay?” he finally asks.

 

What?

 

No, that’s not what Taekwoon meant to say. He meant to say something else, like “How are you?” or “Is your heart okay?”

 

It’s awkward--too soon, in fact. They met a couple of minutes ago and BAM! Taekwoon’s asking if he wants to live with him. Why did he ask that? Did he even mean to ask that?

 

Hongbin blinks, and Taekwoon looks at his chest. Something hits him and he realizes why he had asked that question without even thinking. He wants to stay with Hakyeon’s heart.

 

“The hospital,” Hongbin replies, digging his hands into the pockets of his jeans.

 

“I have an extra room in my apartment. Would you like to stay there?” The sentence comes out smoothly. Almost too smoothly.

 

“Sure.”

 

Taekwoon breaks his oath.

 

******

 

Taekwoon goes straight to the coffee brewer when he gets home. He needs coffee to calm him down because he can't believe he just let a stranger sleep in his two room apartment. The offer flushed out too easily for even him to take in.

 

When he asked Hakyeon to live with him, it took him two weeks to come up with the sentence and a week to practice saying the question easily. Once he had finally reserved the day to ask him, it took him three hours to muster up his courage and ask. They were already dating by that time, but Taekwoon was so nervous when he asked that it was obvious for Hakyeon to notice it, which lead to a cheer and a big hug and kiss for Taekwoon to make him feel less of an idiot.

 

Taekwoon pays no attention to Hongbin until he makes noise by clearing his throat. Taekwoon turns to look at him as he warms his hands with the cup of coffee.

 

Hongbin stands unpleasantly next to the loveseat couch in the living room, his duffel bag holding the few amounts of clothes he has. “Where do I sleep?” he asks, clenching the handle tighter.

 

Without a word, Taekwoon walks through the compact hallway to the room that’s been vacant ever since he moved in two years ago, hearing Hongbin’s feet shuffle briskly toward him. “Here,” Taekwoon whispers, sipping on the cup of coffee. He moves to the side and allows Hongbin to leave his things inside.

 

Taekwoon begins to walk back to the kitchen when suddenly a “Can I have a coffee too?” echoes through the hallway.

 

Taekwoon glances back and sees Hongbin’s head popping somewhat out from the doorway, his lips parted a bit from saying the word “too”. Taekwoon nods once and retreats back to the kitchen, deciding to sit on the stool next to the island counter.

 

No one’s ever stayed in the room that’s now Hongbin’s because no one ever slept over and Hakyeon essentially forced himself into Taekwoon’s room, pretending there wasn’t a second room. Despite all of Taekwoon’s begging for Hakyeon to stay in the extra room, Hakyeon wouldn’t budge. He put away all of his clothes in Taekwoon’s closet and placed all his “relics” (in reality, they were just a bunch of dramas on DVD) in his room.

 

He did make the bed warmer. Snuggling into his neck made nights better. His scent was--

 

Hongbin slides the stool next to Taekwoon out from under the island counter, creating a terrible screeching sound from the floor. He bows his head to show his apology and adjusts himself to the seat. Taekwoon turns his head and looks at him burn his tongue as he sips his coffee. It spills onto his shirt and Hongbin immediately stands up, pulling his white shirt away from his skin and sticking his tongue out. He puts his cup of coffee down and begins to apologize to Taekwoon repeatedly.

 

Taekwoon just stares at him with a modest face, almost not caring simply because none of it got on the floor or the counter. It only affected Hongbin.

 

Hongbin begins to laugh and walks off to his room, slamming the door behind him. Taekwoon returns to sipping his coffee, wondering if the heat in his coffee is the same as Hongbin’s. He decides to take a look at the boy’s cup, which appears the same as it did before. Without much thought, he puts down his cup and picks up the boy’s. The heat seems the same from the exterior. Taekwoon ogles at the coffee.

 

Its color is a bit darker than his, though he didn’t add any sweeteners. There’s obviously more liquid than his and it swirls on its own, whereas Taekwoon’s coffee is boring and only visibly releases heat. How hot is Taekwoon’s coffee compared to Hongbin’s?

 

Taekwoon takes a sip.

 

The cup drops with a loud clank! and Taekwoon runs to the sink to spit it out. He turns on the faucet and fills his mouth with cold water, swishing it in his mouth and then pouring the contents out. He does this several times, for Hongbin’s coffee showed signs of being at least at boiling point. Taekwoon turns around and notices that he broke the mug and spilled coffee everywhere--on the floor, stool, and counter.

 

Footsteps are perceived and Taekwoon turns to look at the entranceway to the living room. Hongbin walks towards him, his smile digging straight into Taekwoon’s soul. He becomes almost mesmerized by it and barely catches what Hongbin asks him.

 

“Eh?” Taekwoon blinks as he says it.

 

“It’s hot for some reason, huh?” Hongbin repeats.

 

Taekwoon blinks again. “Yeah.”

 

“Is yours that hot?”

 

“No.”

 

Hongbin laughs, getting a paper towel from next to the sink and starts to wipe the counter. “Maybe your coffee maker doesn’t like me.” He looks at Taekwoon, offering a paper towel to him. Taekwoon blinks one more time, not sure what to think of his actions, and takes it anyways.

 

He kneels and begins to wipe the floor, glancing up at Hongbin from time to time. Once he finishes cleaning the counter, he starts to gather up the broken pieces of the mug.

 

What is it that makes Taekwoon want to run away in backflips when Hongbin smiles at him or speaks? Maybe it’s just the fact that he has his dead boyfriend’s heart and he’s reliving with it, which doesn’t seem sensible, but it’s sure as hell happening.

 

Hongbin steps over Taekwoon and throws away the broken pieces. He takes another paper towel and wipes the stool, looking down at Taekwoon and smiling again.

 

“Thanks for letting me stay,” he interjects the silence. “Truthfully, I don’t want to stay in that damn hospital with all the blood and cries and screams and evilness. It’s like living under oppression over there. I’m almost glad I didn’t have to die in there.”

 

Taekwoon looks at him, a cruel fire burning inside his chest. Hakyeon had to die in blood and cries and screams and evilness. Hakyeon had to die as if living under oppression. Hakyeon is the reason Hongbin’s breathing and doing fine.

 

Hakyeon is also the reason Taekwoon has Hongbin living under his roof.

 

“I-I’m sorry about that,” Hongbin stutters. “About-about what I said, I mean, I didn’t mean--sorry.”

 

Taekwoon scoots a little away from him and cleans up the remaining coffee.

 

“I’ll find myself a place soon, once I get a stable job and stuff,” he implies. “You won’t have to deal with me.”

 

Taekwoon stands up and makes eye contact with the boy. “Don’t find yourself a place,” is how Taekwoon replies to what Hongbin said. “You’re better off here.” Right after, he throws away the mucky paper towels and finishes his coffee, feeling Hongbin’s awkward but startled stare on him.

 

“Why? I mean, there’s no point for me to invade your property and bother you--”

 

“You aren’t bothersome,” Taekwoon states. He turns his head to look at Hongbin and points his finger at him. “Just don’t let me get near that.”

 

Hongbin’s eyes follow Taekwoon’s finger to his heart.

 

******

 

Taekwoon knew the boy’s curiosity would get to him soon. In fact, that’s one reason why Taekwoon was deciding to maybe not let him live in his apartment. It’d be tricky for Hongbin to live with Taekwoon once he found out what his relationship with Hakyeon was.

 

Therefore, Taekwoon wasn’t sure how to reply for a while when Hongbin asked him in his living room, “What was your connection to Cha Hakyeon?”

 

Taekwoon’s tranquility made Hongbin elaborate on his question. “I mean,” he starts off, “when everyone introduced themselves to me at the hospital room, they added their part in his life, like, ‘I’m his mom’ or ‘I’m his cousin.’ You, on the other hand, just introduced yourself as Jung Taekwoon.” He places his elbows on his knees and rests his chin on his palms, eyes bright and pupils dilated. “I’m curious.”

 

“Would you like the truth, or would you like a lie?” Taekwoon asks.

 

“What would the lie be?”

 

“He’s my neighbor.”

 

“That’s not even a good lie,” he complains. Taekwoon stares at him, silently pissed off, but not to the point where he might throw him under the bus. “I want the truth.” Hongbin saves himself.

 

“He was my boyfriend.”

 

To Taekwoon’s revelation, Hongbin nods, bringing his lower lip a bit down. He wasn’t expecting this kind of reaction. Just from experience, he knew guys got sensitive and thorny when they found out his uality. That’s exactly why he isn’t comfortable with openly talking to people--he’s scared of openly talking to people.

 

“Mine broke up with me once he found out I needed a heart transplant and he was a match.”

 

Taekwoon’s eyes widen.

 

Hongbin’s face doesn’t give the impression of being miserable at all after saying that, though his bottom lip does lower a little more. He looks at the ground and drums his cheeks with his fingers. He appears like he doesn’t care, but he regrettably does. Hongbin seems like the type of person to give his heart to someone he loves. To think his boyfriend would, but in reality wouldn’t, seemed like a stab in the chest.

 

Taekwoon would have given his heart to Hakyeon any day.

 

“Hospitals usually just give a normal sized heart,” Hongbin says. “If you need a heart, all they probably need to know is the age and, hey, there’s your new heart! But I guess mine was a rare case and it had to fit in with all the stuff they’ve done inside my chest.”

 

Taekwoon stares at Hongbin, wanting to know more of the story.

 

“His name is Wonshik,” he explains. “Kim Wonshik. If you come across a guy with that name and he has a tattoo on his chest and arm, run. He’s an and dates this guy named Han Sanghyuk, who’s an too.”

 

Taekwoon straightens his back. “Do you want to talk about it?”

 

Hongbin grins at him. “I want to rant about him.”

 

Preparing himself to speak, Hongbin stands up and Taekwoon leans back, composing himself for the jumble of words to spill out of his mouth.

 

“The bastard dated me for a year!” is how he begins, his personality transforming once the words are out. “A ing year!”

 

Then it went into how they made corny five-year-old promises to each other and were oblivious to everyone they came across. They did a lot of crap, like go to restaurants drunk and ruin their tablecloths or graffiti walls with squiggles and circles.

 

After that it went into really cheesy stuff, like lying under the moonlight and hoping for acceptance from people and never leaving each other’s side. That they would die for each other. Hongbin screams the sentence, “I ing believed that!” and furiously kicks the side couch.

 

Taekwoon stares as the furniture rises back into its normal position from the dent.

 

Hongbin needed a heart transplant right at the year mark of their relationship. Though his heart was failing him ever since his teenage years, it finally got to the point of severe pain. It took about a month for the results to come out, since the hospital’s stupid and all, and they obviously wanted to find a match for the dying boy.

 

“Kim Won-ing-shik took the heart-matching-thing just so he could make me feel better. I never asked him to, but maybe he just wanted show some support. The idiot thought that he wouldn’t be a match, but guess what!” Hongbin exaggerates his words, throwing his arms up into the air and smiling with his mouth open. “He was a ing match! Ta-da! One hundred percent! And once he found out he was the only match, he came up to my hospital bed, where I was dying, and said, ‘So this is why our heart beats as one. I don’t think this is the right path for us.’ Those exact words! How is that even logical? And then he goes off and is practically a gay e, hooks up with some guy who goes by ‘Hyuk’ though everyone knows his real name is Han Sang-ing-hyuk, and dates him. I swear, the two of them act as if they’re five! Now Wonshik calls himself Ravi and has this bright- pastel blue hair that can pass for blueberry yogurt. They’ve been dating for, like, three months and I’m positive they’ve already screwed every night.”

 

Taekwoon listens to it all, for he’s an amazing listener and feels like stories should be heard if they’re worth it. Hongbin’s story doesn’t seem to be “worth it”, but Taekwoon listens because he thinks that someone else should be able to take it all in. After all, he let the kid move into his apartment, so he might as well listen to what he has to say so life doesn’t seem too dull.

 

Besides, Taekwoon doesn’t have stories to tell.

 

Hongbin begins to scream as he explains how their relationship was, perspiration rolling down the side of his face and fingers constantly grabbing at strands of hair and pulling them. Eventually his eyes get too watery and he throws himself down on the couch.

 

“I CAN’T BELIEVE I LOVED HIM!”

 

Taekwoon stares at a sweaty Hongbin, his fingers now trying to claw his eyes out of their sockets and his body trembling with every breath he takes. His head falls into his lap and his right hand reaches towards his chest, where Hakyeon’s heart beats, and hits himself.

 

Taekwoon gets a little frightened when he does that. Is his heart okay? is all Taekwoon can ask himself.

 

After a couple of minutes, Hongbin raises his head and gazes at Taekwoon, creating tense eye contact with each other.

 

“I’m sorry I took his heart,” Hongbin whispers.

 

“I know you are,” Taekwoon responds.

 

******

 

Smoke.

 

It smells like smoke the next day when Taekwoon comes back from work.

 

He usually leaves early in the morning, around six to be exact, and doesn't return till around two in the afternoon.

 

Hongbin's door was closed when he woke up, so he figured he was still sleeping. Not like he was going to bother him, though Taekwoon does want to know if his room's clean or not.

 

Taekwoon gets a little concerned. He checks the kitchen and everything's fine. That's the only place in the apartment that can release smoke.

 

Maybe it's from outside. Taewoon likes to leave his windows open so he doesn't feel so concealed, and due to this, he probably knows the aroma of everything on earth.

 

But outside, there's nothing that can bring smoke into his apartment.

 

Taekwoon walks at a snail’s pace through the hallway. He finds Hongbin's door open, the room earning the title of "The Cleanest Room He's Ever Seen", but no sign of him.

 

He walks a little more towards the bathroom, whose door is unlocked but closed all the way through. Not even thinking twice about it, Taekwoon opens the door.

 

He feels himself become weak.

 

Hongbin sits on the edge of the sink with the small, squared window open extensively. He's still in his pajamas, which are grey sweatpants and a white t-shirt, and his hair is a ruffled mess, parting line nonexistent.

 

And accompanying him are cigarette butts on the floor and one lit cigarette between his index and middle finger.

 

Hongbin gives a light smile when he realizes Taekwoon is in the room. "How was your day?" he asks.

 

Taekwoon stares at the cigarette between his fingers.

 

Hongbin notices what he's looking at. "What?" he asks intimidatingly, raising the cigarette closer to his mouth. "Do you want me to pull some 'it's a metaphor' crap?"

 

Taekwoon releases a shaky breath, grabs Hongbin from the collar of his shirt, and throws him against the wall in the hallway. Hongbin's cigarette falls to the floor and Taekwoon stomps on it.

 

He swings at his face.

 

Hongbin lets out a grunt and gets kneed in the stomach. Taekwoon repeatedly does this till Hongbin's lips and nose are bleeding and his knees give out, making him slide down the wall.

 

Taekwoon then lifts him back up by pulling his hair, causing Hongbin to scream in agony, and gets close to his face, anger flustering his cheeks.

 

"You're given life with Hakyeon's heart," he mutters through gritted teeth, "and this is how you decide to waste it?" He slams Hongbin's head against the wall. "By smoking?" He screams it.

 

Once Taekwoon releases his hair, Hongbin slides down the wall again. He kicks his side and Hongbin falls over, blood beginning to stain the floor.

 

"I don't smoke," Hongbin whispers.

 

"You don't smoke." Taekwoon lets out an exaggerated laugh. "You don't smoke," he repeats. "Don't tell me that when there's at least a dozen ing cigarette butts scattered on my bathroom floor!"

 

"I swear." Hongbin coughs. "I swear I don't smoke."

 

"Don't lie to me!"

 

"I don't smoke!"

 

Taekwoon kicks again and Hongbin reacts by curling himself into a ball.

 

"I don't smoke, Taekwoon."

 

Hongbin's crying.

 

Taekwoon isn't a specialist in lying. He doesn't know facial expressions, nor does he really think it'll be valuable to him, but the way Hongbin says his name makes Taekwoon feel vulnerable.

 

Hongbin slowly extends himself out and tries to get up but stumbles. He glances at Taekwoon from below, his eyes red and blood dried on his face with patches of purple, bruised skin on his cheekbones. "I really don't smoke, Taekwoon. Believe me." He takes a deep breath. "The smell of it relaxes me. That's all." He coughs out some blood and hugs his stomach.

 

He attempts at standing up and succeeds, leaning against the wall for support. He stares at Taekwoon straight in the eyes. Their bodies are only about a foot away from each other.

 

Taekwoon looks away and ends up with his eyes landing on his chest. His lips quiver and he feels himself get weak again. There's a million things he would do for that heart to be back inside of Hakyeon, but he knows that it'll never happen.

 

He told Hongbin to keep him away from his heart. He isn't doing that right now. Him and his heart are a foot away, and Taekwoon's nervous, scared, delirious, unstable, fearful, insane--

 

He closes his eyes and leans the top of his head on Hongbin's chest, right above his heart.

Taekwoon decides to believe him.

 

******

 

Hongbin is sore for the next week, and Taekwoon has lost count of how many times he’s said sorry over that period of time.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“Don’t be, I should be apologizing.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“Taekwoon, it isn’t your fault.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“No one’s blaming you here.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“God, Taekwoon, shut up.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“Get over it!”

 

He can pass for being the evil hospital with all these “I’m sorry” quotes being thrown out.

 

Taekwoon’s all about forgiving, so he cooks Hongbin his meals everyday, leaving notes on where he left the food and how long to reheat it. He always finds the food gone when he returns, so he’s guessing he eats it.

 

Today, Taekwoon gets home a little earlier. It’s one in the afternoon and the first thing on his mind is lunch. Setting down his bags, he skims through a list of meals he can make in his head till he finds a yellow note on the island counter in black ink:

 

Out for the day. Have I told you thanks for the meals yet? no need to cook for me. thanks though~~ - hongbin :)

 

Like the boy usually does, Taekwoon’s curiosity strikes up. Where could have Hongbin gone?

 

Taekwoon’s not the stalking type. Yes, his curiosity is beyond limits perhaps, but he won’t go to a stalking point.

 

Anyways, his mind is on lunch at the moment. Since he isn’t going to be cooking two meals, he might as well just make something easy. He heats water in a pot and throws a ramen packet and a half in there. Right now, Taekwoon doesn’t care about how much salt there is or how bad that much packed ramen is for him.

 

He’s just hungry.

 

He adds all the flavoring in as he watches the ramen slowly separate from each other. That was always his favorite part: watching them divide. He found it rather fascinating, seeing them slowly soften and detach themselves from the rest of the group. It kind of reminded Taekwoon of himself.

 

After finishing his meal of ramen, he decides to head out to the streets and go to his favorite cafe. He has no reason to, in truth, except that he’s now scared to drink his own coffee after tasting Hongbin’s.

 

The cafe’s empty, as usual around this time of day. He orders a caramel frappuccino this time because he knows the barista can’t make any designs on it. Ever since the heart design, he doubts he’ll ever order a latte from here again.

 

He sits down at a table for two in the middle of the cafe after he gets his drink, which has chocolate syrup drizzled on the side of the cup to maybe lift his spirits. That’s what the barista’s smile suggested: Taekwoon’s day .

 

It didn’t, really. Or at least not yet.

 

He mixes the drink a bit with his straw and consumes. The flavor of caramel bursts in his mouth, sweetness clutching onto every taste bud he has. Taekwoon takes sips from his drink until he gets a brain freeze and has to go his separate ways with it.

 

He looks out the window and notices how busy the streets are. It’s two now, so lunch time is over for most jobs, and school doesn’t end for a couple of hours, but cars are beeping and zooming their way through the streets. Pedestrians bump into each other due to how many there are walking on the sidewalk.

 

“What are you doing here?”

 

Taekwoon quickly turns his head and finds Hongbin sitting in the seat across from him with a bagel and a smoothie--probably strawberry, from all the light pink in the cup. He’s wearing a navy blue sweatshirt with a visible white shirt under, and to match the top he wears a gray jacket. His hair is matted down instead of parted, so locks of hair sweep over his forehead. “I came to get coffee,” he replies subtly.

 

Hongbin nods. “Of course you did. Did you get my note?” He spreads cream cheese on his bagel with a plastic knife. “Did you eat?”

 

Taekwoon nods, peeping at Hongbin’s bagel. He feels guilty for eating all that ramen, and now he wants something a bit... healthier, to say the least.

 

“Want the other half?” Hongbin asks, noticing that Taekwoon was looking dreamily at his bagel. “My friend fed me a lot of food.”

 

Taekwoon snatches it from him and begins to bite down. Hongbin grins and does the same to his piece of bagel.

 

They eat in silence without looking at each other. Taekwoon finishes in a couple of minutes but he’s figured by now that Hongbin eats like a turtle and tries to keep himself clean.

 

Taekwoon looks up at him and sees that he’s only halfway finished with his bagel. Hongbin catches his movement and does the same. He steers clear of eye contact with Taekwoon right when it happens though and looks behind him, but once he does that, his bagel falls to the table, his eyes enlarge, and his jaw slightly drops. Taekwoon blinks and watches Hongbin stand up and begin to walk to a table next to the entry door that’s being taken by two people, one with auburn red hair and the other with newly-dyed blue hair.

 

Hongbin stops once he’s in front of them, staring down at the person to the left of him. He says something that Taekwoon can’t interpret, and then the blue-haired boy speaks loudly and surprised.

 

“I thought you were dead.”

 

Taekwoon squints his eyes and looks away, trying to figure out their relationship with one another. Hongbin hasn’t told him all about people he knows, but he has named a few.

 

Now Wonshik calls himself Ravi and has this bright- pastel blue hair that can pass for blueberry yogurt.

 

“I’m not dead,” Hongbin says loud and clear.

 

“Hongbin, go away,” the boy says, glancing away from him and staring down at the table.

 

“I need an explanation, Wonshik!” Hongbin yells.

 

“It isn’t Wonshik,” he mutters, “it’s Ravi.”

 

“And it isn’t sensible to leave me because we have the same type of heart!” He breathes. “And that’s a stupid name!”

 

“He said to go away!” the guy across from Wonshik--Han Sang-ing-hyuk, most likely--screams, looking up at Hongbin.

 

He ignores him. “Give me some sort of explanation, yeah? That’s all I want. I’m not asking you to crawl back to me, I just want to know why you left me.”

 

“I don’t need to give you one.”

 

“Yes you do, because I might as well hear it when there’s a low chance of me dying rather than me already on the verge of it!”

 

“That’s not a good excuse.”

 

“Then what do you want the excuse to be? Because you have blue hair and think you can rap?”

 

“I can rap, and no.”

 

“Then I really have nothing better, so you might as well just tell me because chances are I’ll never see you again.”

 

Wonshik is silent, and Hongbin’s hands are slowly forming into fists.

 

“I left because you’d want my heart as a replacement for yours,” Wonshik says, “and I realized that you weren’t worth that much to me.”

 

Taekwoon stretches his back out on the chair to see Hongbin’s expression and finds it hurt, his eyebrows furrowing together and him biting the inside of his mouth.

 

“I never wanted it.” Hongbin’s voice cracks. “I never wanted your heart.”

 

Wonshik looks at him resentfully. “What?”

 

“Don’t be offended. I never wanted it back then because I wanted you to live and for me to go, but I figured you would be the type of loving guy to give it to me because I was worth it. But now, now that I see that this,”--Hongbin points a tremulous finger at Hyuk--“is what you’ve turned to, I’m glad that I don’t have the chance to turn out like this,”--he points at Wonshik then--“because of your heart. I’m glad that I don’t have to live knowing an actual ’s heart is inside of me.”

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“You heard me!” Hongbin’s voice crescendos and the hurt look turns into one of envy.

 

“You just called me an !” Wonshik yells.

 

“Because you are one!”

 

All of the cafe’s attention is on the commotion going on at the table next to the entry door. There aren’t that many people, since it’s just a college student with his laptop, a pair of friends out for coffee, and Taekwoon watching, plus all the workers that came out to the front desk to observe the scene.

 

Taekwoon considers going up there and dragging Hongbin out of the place, but he knows how angry Hongbin is at Wonshik and how he really needs to let it out in front of him. He wants to prove that he’s a better person now because of him and his tactics and let him realize that he’s lower than he was before on the hierarchy.

 

“You’re a lying, cheating, disgraceful !” Hongbin persists, counting the adjectives with his fingers. “The type to make people think they’re in love and fool them! I was fooled for a year!” He switches his gaze to Hyuk. “And as much as I hate you too, I’m going to warn you to stay away from this son of a .”

 

“I’m not going to,” Hyuk says, standing to reach Hongbin’s eye level. “I’m not going to because he loves me and thinks I’m worth it.”

 

Hongbin laughs. He laughs loudly, and all the viewers are confused by this action because people are usually hurt after a saying like that. “Here’s the thing, Hyuk.” His voice becomes serious after that. “Wonshik did love me, and he did think I was worth it, but because he’s such a selfish head, he fooled himself into thinking he didn’t because he wanted to live. He put himself before me. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, but it is a bad thing when he promises that he’ll always put you before anything else and that he’ll die for you, and guess what? He fooled me the same way he fooled himself, and he’s going to do the same to you too.”

 

The next part was completely unintentional. Taekwoon actually did what he considered to do in the middle of Hongbin’s warning and decided to put himself between the table and Hongbin to apologize on Hongbin’s behalf and drag him out, but that was where he received Hyuk’s punch to the face.

 

Taekwoon blinks and stumbles backward, Hongbin catching him from his shoulders. He finds Wonshik staring at him and Hyuk glancing behind because Hongbin didn’t get what Taekwoon received instead.

 

“Is this your boyfriend?” Wonshik asks.

 

Hongbin drags Taekwoon out of the cafe as a substitute for answering the question.

 

******

 

It takes about a month and a half for the awkwardness to settle, the sorry’s Taekwoon says all the time to stop, the addiction Hongbin has of smelling smoke to end, and Taekwoon to get used to Hongbin living with him.

 

The only thing that’s still new to Taekwoon is Hakyeon’s heart being a couple feet away and the body being dug under a grave.

 

Along with this, Hongbin has rid himself of the issues with Wonshik and has bettered himself in some way. He has returned to attending school and is looking into photography, which Taekwoon would never expect from him.

 

He remembers when Hongbin brought out his DSLR to show him some landscape photos and he was impressed, but since Taekwoon is such a head, he only nodded and said they were good. He seemed to have hurt him then with that statement, and instead of worrying about the well-being of Hongbin's feelings, he began to worry about the heart inside of him because he knows how hearts get when their owner is sad, and he didn't want Hakyeon's heart to be like that.

 

That's the only problem Taekwoon's been facing: his worry for Hakyeon's heart when Hongbin does something.

 

The question in his head is always, "Is his heart okay?" and he always answers himself with, "I don't know."

 

They sit across from each other at the island counter, eating cereal because Taekwoon's too lazy to cook up pancakes or something. They don't pay attention to each other and eat in silence. It isn't awkward, because usually when the food is out, they have a mental agreement to shut the hell up and eat.

 

But Hongbin ruins it.

 

"I've never been in your room."

 

Taekwoon moves his eyes to be looking at him from under his brows, chin near the middle of his chest. His spoon filled with corn flakes is in midair and a drop of milk makes a splash back into the bowl. Hongbin continues eating, ignoring the slightest movement Taekwoon makes.

 

He doesn’t want Hongbin in his room. What if Hakyeon’s heart jumps out of him and, like, marvels over the fact that his “relics” are still where they were last left?

 

“I’ve never been in your room either,” he lies in his husky morning tone, “and I’m practically your landlord.”

 

Hongbin straightens his back to look at Taekwoon, letting his spoon move evenly into the halfway filled bowl from the side. He crosses his arms and smiles. “I go in your room and you go in my room. Deal?”

 

“No.”

 

“Oh, c’mon!” he whines. “This is the only way I’ll let you see my room anyways! I don’t like people in my room either!”

 

“Then why are you curious about mine?”

 

“Because that’s exactly what I am: curious!”

 

Taekwoon stares at Hongbin’s position. His arms slammed sluggishly onto the counter and his fingertips are about six inches away from Taekwoon’s bowl. His eyebrows are raised up and he’s smiling with his teeth apart. “Fine.”

 

Hongbin glides his arms down back to his bowl, takes hold of it, and chugs down the leftover milk.

 

Taekwoon’s eyes widen. This isn’t very Hongbin. He’s clean, precise, and slow in everything. He likes to eat calmly and do everything else with swift ease, but chugging does not seem to fit any of those categories.

 

“Are you okay?” Taekwoon accidently asks, gagging on his words as they were let out.

 

Hongbin puts his bowl down and wipes his milk-stache. “I’m fine!” he exclaims, getting out of his stool and heading towards the sink. “Are you done yet?”

 

Taekwoon looks down at his bowl, a quarter left with milk and a stack of soggy cornflakes towering over it. He digs his spoon near the bottom of the bowl, lifts, and stuffs the cereal in.

 

When he’s done, he walks through the hallway to meet up with a ecstatic Hongbin outside his own bedroom. “Are you ready?” he asks him, eyes radiating and cheekbones lifted.

 

Taekwoon nods, bored already, and Hongbin opens the door.

 

It looks the same as the first time he saw it: gray-blue bedsheets folded nicely over the bed, floor spotless, books, writing utensils, and laptop all placed neatly on his desk, and the bedside counter empty. It’s title remains the same as ever.

 

“There’s nothing interesting,” Taekwoon remarks.

 

“Your room now!”

 

Hongbin runs down to the living room, where the entrance to Taekwoon’s room is, and knocks on the door. Taekwoon does the honors of closing Hongbin’s door and he walks himself over.

 

“Why is it locked?” Hongbin asks, Taekwoon searching in his pockets for his key. “Do you not want others to see it?”

 

“I don’t want you to see it,” he replies, “but look what I’m doing.”

 

He jams the key and turns it to the right. Hongbin lightly pushes the door and allows himself to stand in the doorway, gazing at the room.

 

He walks further in and loudly examines the room. “Sheets like mine, floor like mine, desk like mine, counter like mine...are you a clean freak too?” He slightly turns his head to see if Taekwoon will answer, his eyes vibrant and stuck on the corner of his eye sockets, but gets rejected with a stare. “The only difference are all these drama DVDs and that wall.”

 

Hongbin points to the left wall, his eyes now moving there.

 

On the left wall, three evenly spaced out clocks are hung. There’s nothing else on that wall except those clocks.

 

Taekwoon walks into the doorway and leans on the side, his shoulder piercing into the jutting wood.

 

“Why aren’t they moving?” he asks.

 

They aren’t moving because they’re a story.

 

Taekwoon stopped the first clock when the minute and hour hand were both on the number six, stopped the second clock when the hour hand was on the ten and the minute hand two minutes before one, and never the third clock, so the hour and minute hand are both at twelve. That was always up for decoration.

 

The first clock was stopped at 6:30 when Taekwoon realized how deep in love he and Hakyeon were, and since he found some weird interest in clocks, he stopped the first on those numbers to represent Hakyeon’s birthday. He’d never forget it this way, in case he turned out to be a terrible boyfriend (in which Hakyeon protested he wasn’t).

 

At first, the second clock was actually used as a clock to tell time rather than birthdays or decoration. That all changed when Hakyeon died. Once Hakyeon died, he had no other choice but to stop it on 8:02, the day of his death.

 

06.30.90. 08.02.14. Taekwoon thinks even numbers are weird, but Hakyeon is an exception. Taekwoon loves Hakyeon.

 

Taekwoon considers it his memorial for Cha Hakyeon. It’s his only picture of him that doesn’t show his face.

 

“It’s decoration,” Taekwoon misleads. It’s pathetic, but it should be enough to stop future questions on clocks and the meaning of 6:30 and 8:02.

 

Hongbin studies them closer. He strides by them slowly and looks wistfully at the last clock. He pivots his head to look at Taekwoon. He points at the clock. “Can I turn it on?”

 

Taekwoon glares at him and walks out of his room.

 

From outside, he can hear the power button sliding to the right and the adjustment of the clock. He knew he would turn it on.

 

Later that night, Taekwoon stares at the clocks in the gloom of his room.

 

6:30-8:02-11:1--

 

The minute hand moves.

 

6:30-8:02-11:18.

 

Even numbers are weird.

 

He can’t sleep because Hongbin’s watching TV and the sound isn’t really loud. He would’ve been able to sleep if the sound was loud, but it isn’t, which is annoying because he’s so used to sleeping with the volume high.

 

He gets out of bed and weakly walks into the living room. His door creaks and Hongbin reacts by lifting his head up till it’s above the back of the couch. His eyes are questioning and his expression screams curious. Taekwoon releases a sigh, knowing what he’s about to ask Hongbin to do is weird.

 

“You’re awake?” Hongbin asks, now resting his hands on the back of the couch and smiling. “There’s a movie coming up next. Do you want to watch it with me?”

 

Dammit. The one thing Taekwoon was hoping he’d avoid, he dodges incorrectly. “Um,” he says, “well, no--”

 

“It’s Werewolf Boy. My friend said it’s really good and that it’s his favorite.” He extends the vowel sounds in “really”, making an emphasis that Taekwoon feels uncomfortable with. He’s never done that before. “Please?” Is Hakyeon’s heart getting to him?

 

“Let me get my blanket.”

 

“No, don’t worry! We can share one.”

 

Taekwoon blinks heavily and roams to the couch. He sits on the left end since Hongbin’s taking up the right one and forces his legs under the cozy blanket.

 

The movie begins and both of them pay close attention, constantly trying to stay away from each other’s legs. Around ten minutes in, Hongbin stops trying and instead sits criss-cross-applesauce on the couch, chin reposed on the palms of his hands.

 

The movie finishes, and Hongbin is left red-eyed due to crying. His fingers constantly swipe at his eyes, taking the tears with them once away from his face. Taekwoon looks at him. He was crying like a baby and he feels the urge to comfort him, but he knows he wouldn’t do that. It’s just a movie anyways, no real comfort is necessary.

 

Hongbin glares at Taekwoon. “How did you not cry?” he questions. “Did you like it? Was it not good? I’m sorry that I made you watch it.”

 

Taekwoon rubs his eyes. “I liked it. No one died, really, and it was more touching than anything else.”

 

Hongbin’s lips curve up, and it’s the first time Taekwoon notices his deep dimples. He widens his eyes to make sure they’re real and doesn’t believe it when he registers that he hasn’t noticed them for a whole month and a half. He admits that Hongbin is beautiful--that was the first thing he may have actually had an opinion on when he first saw him up close, but he’s still so surprised by the dimples. It’s so rare for him to see dimples, and possibly for the first time since they met, Taekwoon gives a smile back to him.

 

Hongbin takes the smile by grinning.

 

His attention moves back to the screen. “Let’s watch another movie!” he exclaims. He points at the screen. “I haven’t seen this one since it came out! Have you seen it before?”

 

Taekwoon looks at the screen and sees the title being displayed. More than Blue. He shakes his head. “I’ll watch it if you want.”

 

“I want you to.”

 

“Then I’m going to go get my blanket.”

 

Hongbin allows him to this time and takes his blanket for himself.

 

Taekwoon started off the movie by sitting with his legs crossed on one another, and by the middle of the movie he’s still like that.

 

The clock ticks and it becomes two in the morning.

 

Taekwoon glances at Hongbin and sees him struggling to keep his eyes open. He continues to look at Hongbin until he finally collapses to his left and falls towards Taekwoon.

 

Taekwoon stays as still as a mouse with Hongbin’s head on his lap, eyes shut and fingers curled in. He slowly moves his arms over his body and lightly pulls on his blanket, bringing it to his shoulders. Hongbin himself takes his legs out from their original position and spreads them out over the arm rests.

 

He pats the boy’s head instinctively.

 

******

 

Now Taekwoon has to get used to having a functioning clock in his room again. It’s weird, hearing the tick resonate once a new hour starts or seeing it move.

 

A week and a half later it’s the same thing: on the couch, under blankets and watching a new movie, this time called Baby and Me. Hongbin’s cursing constantly instead of crying and is awing whenever the baby does something cute (which is every time it’s on screen).

 

The movie ends and instead of proposing to watch another film, he turns off the TV and leans forward towards Taekwoon. He lifts his phone, whose screen is sleeping, and smiles. “Wanna go?” he asks.

 

Taekwoon looks at the phone, then back at Hongbin. “It’s not on,” he replies.

 

Hongbin turns his phone and then frowns. After, he throws it on his lap and looks back at Taekwoon. “There’s a lantern releasing ceremony at the Han River. Wanna go with me?”

 

Taekwoon blinks. “I don’t have a lantern.”

 

“Maybe we can just steal two,” he says, shrugging his shoulders and giggling, “because I don’t have one either.”

 

“Then why do you want to go?”

 

“Because I want to experience it, and I want to see all the lanterns overtake the buildings’ lights. I want to see them float and have no worries about when they’ll let out.” He pauses. “I want to see something that isn’t like me.”

 

“I’m not like you,” Taekwoon intercepts.

 

“Yes you are,” he laughs. “We’re both male, gay, appreciative, and gullible.”

 

“I’m not gullible.”

 

“That’s just you not knowing.” He smiles and Taekwoon has to remind himself that those dimples are going to pinch his heart every time they show up, just like Hakyeon’s smile did. “So let’s go? It’s at nine.”

 

Taekwoon gets off the couch and heats milk up for hot chocolate.

“Thank you!”

 

******

 

By seven-thirty they’re in Taekwoon’s car, driving to the Han River so they can find a good place to wait and steal some lanterns while they’re at it. It’s awkwardly silent and no one does anything till Hongbin’s hand sprints out of his pocket and turns on the radio.

 

Taekwoon takes a quick glance at Hongbin, then keeps his eyes on the road. “You could’ve just told me,” he says.

 

“Did I need to?” he asks. “I’ve been living with you for more than a month and I need to ask to turn the radio on?”

 

“I was startled.”

 

Hongin laughs and raises the volume. It’s a song by IU, from what Taekwoon can tell by the voice, and it’s a bit old to his memories. Hongbin dances in his seat and does finger gestures that are probably from the choreography, all while mouthing the words instead of singing.

 

Right when the of the song is about to hit, Taekwoon says, “You can sing,” and Hongbin carols the song with heart and soul. Taekwoon smiles when he hears his voice, honestly reminding him of Hakyeon. Taekwoon remembers the lyrics and softly sings the lower harmony part. Once at a red light, he looks at Hongbin in the passenger seat and opens his mouth smiling and laughing all at once.

 

“Hyung, green light!” Hongbin says, still dancing in his seat.

 

Taekwoon’s eyes widen by the word “hyung”. He’s never been called “hyung” before because he was always the youngest and he didn’t have any younger family members to call him that.

 

“Hyung, drive! We need to get lanterns!”

 

A car behind beeps and, at a leisurely pace, Taekwoon steps on the gas and takes a right, finding a parking spot. The bank of the river isn’t filled with people, but there’s enough to maybe steal some lanterns.

 

The song ends and they get out of the car, Hongbin bringing along with him some snacks and a blanket for the two of them in a bag.

 

“What if someone can tell that we stole their lanterns?” Taekwoon asks, digging his hands into his jacket pockets. Snow’s going to be coming in soon and the breezes are just beginning. It’s not strong enough to outburst the lanterns, but just enough to help lift them into the air with an elegant speed.

 

“The rule was to bring only white lanterns,” he says, wind blowing his hair in different directions. He takes out his black beanie and pulls it over his head, a tiny bump of hair sticking out at the start of his hairline. “It’ll be easy. Want me to do it while you look for a spot?”

 

Taekwoon nods.

 

“Great,” he says, passing the bag to him. “Try to find one right next to the river--I think it’ll be prettiest there.”

 

“Okay.”

 

Taekwoon sets off and searches for a spot. He goes nearest to the bridge and finds a perfect place, empty and with little people there. He’s right against the railing, which he’s guessing is the goal, and he set’s up the blanket. He sits on it and waits for Hongbin.

 

A loud sound rings throughout the area and Taekwoon looks at the bridge. It begins to spray water on the side and colors flash, making the water seemed tinted. A warm smile spreads on his lips and he reminisces on when he was younger and visited. It was in the morning, and the sky was gray, and there was a lot of traffic, and it was snowing, and it was boring, and he never returned.

 

But now, the night fabricates the colors to stand out, and Taekwoon’s excited to see the addition of lanterns make the view better.

 

“Hyung!” Hongbin’s voice yells. Taekwoon’s head turns quickly to the sound of it. He’s running towards him, carrying two large white lanterns with him, one in each hand. “Hyung, I got them!”

 

Taekwoon claps and waits for him to flop himself down on the blanket. He hands one lantern to him and looks at the view. “This is beautiful,” he remarks. “You got the best view in the house.”

 

“Yeah, well, we’re here an hour early,” Taekwoon voices. “When did they say to release the lanterns?”

 

“Nine-ten.” He takes out a can of soda and opens it. “So?”

 

Taekwoon looks off into the river, still not believing that this can appear so alluring. “How’d you find out about this?” he asks.

 

Hongbin burps. “My friend posted it saying he couldn’t come and that he was sad about it.”

 

“Same friend from last time?”

 

“Yup.”

 

“What’s his name?”

 

“Lee Jaehwan. He’s a year older than me and likes to think he’s cute. He’s getting married soon.”

 

“That’s good for him.”

 

“He lives in Busan. He moved there for university and had to leave here. He visited a while back.”

 

Taekwoon nods and switches the subject. “You sing well.”

 

Hongbin laughs. “Hyung, have you heard yourself? Yourself singing, I mean. You think I’m good?”

 

Taekwoon swiftly moves his head to face him. “You heard me?”

 

“I have excellent ears!” Hongbin says, holding his ears and moving them back and forth. “In all seriousness though. You sing really well.”

 

He smirks. “Thanks.”

 

A moment of silence. “Has anyone ever called you hyung before?” Hongbin wonders. “You seemed surprised when I called you that.”

 

Taekwoon shakes his head.

 

“So I’m the first one to have called you hyung?”

 

Taekwoon nods.

 

“And to have turned that clock on?”

 

He nods again.

 

“What else will I be, then?”

 

Taekwoon shrugs his shoulders.

 

“We’ll just have to see.” He takes another chug of his soda and glares at the river with Taekwoon.

 

Two minutes before 9:10, they’re borrowing someone’s lighter near them for their lanterns. The area filled up quickly with families and couples, so conversation became harder to have due to the loudness of everyone.

 

“Are you ready?” Hongbin asks, going up against the railing while holding his lantern gently between his hands.

 

Taekwoon joins him. “Yep.”

 

He puts his right arm in between the two of them and they both look down at his watch.

 

“Three,” Hongbin counts down. “Two...one!”

 

They look at their lanterns, lift their arms, and release. Around them, people do the same and clapping echoes throughout the premise. Thousands of lanterns fly into the air and each one beams under the white cloth. They pile over the river and into the sky, doing just as Hongbin wanted: overtake the light of the buildings.

 

Smiles plaster onto everyone’s face immediately as they glance up.

 

“It’s amazing,” Taekwoon whispers, letting his hands fall over the railing.

 

He looks to his side and sees Hongbin snapping pictures of the view with his camera. He smiles a bit bigger now, and Hongbin looks back at him and captures his photo.

 

“Hey,” Taekwon says, smile fading away. “Hey, delete that.”

 

“But it’s nice!” Hongbin argues. “The lanterns and colored water behind you make a great background.”

 

“Delete it.”

 

“Fine.” He takes another photo, and continues to do so until Taekwoon stops telling him to delete them.

 

Hongbin throws his arms around Taekwoon and squeezes. Taekwoon’s eyes grow bigger, but he doesn’t attempt to push him off because he might do the same thing he did with the camera.

 

And there’s the heart thing. He might feel sad.

 

But this action reminds him of something too familiar. Hongbin isn’t what he was when they first met and became comfortable with one another.

He can’t help but think that Hakyeon’s heart is certainly affecting Hongbin.

 

******

 

There’s a park around the corner of Taekwoon’s apartment. It’s longer than the length of the building and has a manmade lake in the center. Since Taekwoon lives in the city, everyone knows about it and it’s usually crowded, either by the people exiting the huge supermarket across from it or merely just hanging around there. Taekwoon doesn’t like crowded places much, so he knows the right time to get there when it’s empty. It’s not early in the morning, but nor is it late at night.

 

He likes it there because it’s calm, quiet, relaxing, and across from his favorite cafe (which is on the verge of losing that label with all that’s gone on in there). If the cafe’s too crowded, then he’ll go the park and have his drink there. It’s a nice place, plenty of benches to sit on and dogs to stare at. He’s also spent a couple of dates there with Hakyeon, feeding ducks and searching the perimeter for that stupid sixty-dollar beanie that flew off Hakyeon’s head on the first windy day of their relationship. It was stuck in a tree, since there’s tons of those, and Taekwoon had to climb it just to get it. Then, his back landed on the grass and he was in the hospital for three days.

 

Hongbin’s out for the day again, as he has been for the past month. He claims he’s helping Jaehwan’s mother out in her restaurant, but the boy can’t cook for and his cleaning abilities don’t seem to be necessary in such an unoccupied place.

 

Taekwoon visits the park because his apartment’s stuffy and, from experience, people aren’t usually out there after the holidays. He takes his coat, combs his hair to cover his forehead, sinks his feet in his shoes, and walks out. It’s a five minute walk at the least.

 

The door to the cafe dings to tell the place there’s a new customer, and the barista looks up and smiles. Taekwoon orders a large hot chocolate and waits by the pick-up after paying.

 

“How are you feeling today?” she asks, the ends of her pink lips dragging up.

 

“Fine,” Taekwoon answers. “You?”

 

“I’m great, thanks for asking.” She puts a cup under a machine that shoots out the hot chocolate he ordered. “I’ve been wondering where that guy you used to always come with went.”

 

Taekwoon blinks. “Which one?” He’s come here many times with both Hakyeon and Hongbin, and recently Hongbin stopped dragging along.

 

“The one with the black hair and dark-ish skin.”

 

Taekwoon’s heart pounds. Hongbin has light brown hair and apricot skin, and Hakyeon was exactly what she described. He hasn't heard the name being said out loud since the day he met Hongbin. It's only been said in his mind when he asks questions about the heart (which is everyday when Hongbin returns home).

 

She covers the hot chocolate with a lid, slips it into a cup holder, and hands it to him. “Hello?” she coons. “Taekwoon?”

 

“How do you know my name?” Taekwoon questions.

 

She giggles and points at the cup. “You’ve been coming here for, what, four years? I’ve been here all along. Your name’s always on the cup.”

 

“Oh. Sorry.”

 

“It’s okay! But, what happened?”

 

“He moved,” he lies.

 

He leaves the cafe with a fake smile.

 

He sits at the bench in the center of the park, sipping on his warm hot chocolate. There’s a lot of benches around, a few occupied with couples and others with people browsing their phones. Not many people are out, just like Taekwoon likes it. It’s too cold for people to be as insane as everyone in this park and go outside.

 

Getting bored of just sitting there, he begins to examine a pair of lovers a couple feet away on a bench. The shorter one nuzzles its face in the crook of the taller one’s shoulder, causing the taller one to hug the other closer. The person allows itself to place its chin on the smaller one’s baggy hood, and though Taekwoon’s far, he can see the smile forming on the being’s lips.

 

He turns his gaze away because that’s exactly what Hakyeon would do to him if he saw him trembling, even with the blanket surrounding his body. Taekwoon shivers, though he isn’t cold, just thinking about it. He doesn’t want to admit it, but he wants to be loved again. It’s been too long, and it’s worst when the person he never really broke up with has forced his heart into someone Taekwoon lives with.

 

When he turned his gaze, Taekwoon’s eyes landed upon another someone eying the couple from a bench nearby. He knows it’s suspicious activity, and he’s already committed himself to finding what it’s all about once the couple moves away.

 

The person looks normal, a large tan jacket covering their upper half, a pair of baggy jeans, snow shoes, and a hood over the beanie on their head. This wouldn’t seem suspicious to Taekwoon if the person was on their phone and didn’t have sunglasses on, but that’s exactly what makes them suspicious at this moment. No one wears sunglasses when it’s snow out. No one comes to the park to stare at a couple.

 

By the time Taekwoon finishes his hot chocolate, which is about thirty minutes after, the couple walks off holding hands. The person’s gaze follows them, and Taekwoon stands up, throws his cup in a nearby trash can, and walks over to the person.

 

He approaches by blocking his view, standing right in front of what happens to be a boy. He leans his head in and notices the boy become stiff. He attempts to move, but Taekwoon’s too quick.

 

“What are you doing?” he asks, leaning closer to the boy so he can seem frightening, which usually leads to the truth.

 

“Hyung, I’m sor--” the other begins.

 

“Hyung?” Taekwoon interrupts. “Who are you calling hyung?”

 

The boy visibly blinks under his sunglasses, and Taekwoon gets so annoyed that he tears them off his face.

 

The sunglasses drop.

 

He grabs his arm and drags an equally surprised Hongbin back to the apartment.

 

******

 

“It’s not what it seems.”

 

Hongbin’s sitting on the larger couch, looking up at Taekwoon who stands a couple feet away with his arms crossed. Hongbin plays with his fingers, attempting to muster up a good excuse that Taekwoon can fall for.

 

“Was that who I think it was?” Taekwoon asks. Silence. “Was it Wonshik and Sanghyuk?”

 

Hongbin nods. Taekwoon facepalms himself and rubs his eyes. “Can I explain?” he asks.

 

“Please.”

 

Hongbin calms his fingers and places them by his sides, clutching onto his coat for moral support. “I know it seemed that I was over Wonshik. I’m sorry I tricked you into believing that. It’s just….”

 

When Taekwon looks at Hongbin to find a reason to why he stopped speaking, he discovers him beginning to cry.

 

“It’s just he was really good to me, you know?” he says, moving his view down to the floor. “Did you notice that? Wonshik was amazing, and it’s been a while since we’ve broken up and all, but it hurts so damn much to realize that what he did to me is what he’s doing with Sanghyuk. It hurts to see all of that go on and-and just leisurely observe it. It’s stupid of me! It’s stupid of me to still not be over that son of a and it’s stupid of me to use this as an excuse for something else! But I don’t know why I keep finding myself leaning towards him or why him, of all people, had to make me feel this way. He could have used different tactics with Sanghyuk! He-he could have...ugh!”

 

Hongbin slides off the couch and lands on his knees, sobbing and pulling his hair out. He looks up at Taekwoon. His eyes are red, almost as if blistered, and his cheeks are stained a pink rose. His jaw shakes and tears are shaken off by the force.

 

“Help me, hyung,” he whimpers.

 

Taekwoon really doesn’t know what to do. He’s wondering if this isn’t the only thing that he’s been blinded by. Maybe he’s still taking those smokes into his bathroom, ruining Hakyeon’s heart with its smell and--oh God how is his heart right now? He’s having an emotional breakdown and it’s surely affecting his heart and what if it shatters? What if Hongbin just-just drops and it’s all because it took Taekwoon too long to think about the heart?

 

“What do you mean….‘an excuse?’” he asks.

 

Hongbin covers his right side of his face with his hand. “I mean….crawling back to Wonshik is somewhat my way of getting rid of feelings for someone new.”

 

And that’s exactly what Taekwoon did with Hakyeon, minus the "crawling back to" part. He thought helping Hakyeon get to someone else would be a good way to dispose his feelings, but that didn’t work out and he got stuck with some annoying kid who only thought about himself, also known as Hakyeon.

 

“Don’t do that,” Taekwoon advises. Hongbin stands up and cranks his head in a questioning way. “It won’t help you. It’ll only bring you down.”

 

They stare at each other for what seems like forever, and Taekwoon notices at last minute that they’re only about a foot away from each other. They’re about the same height, so eye contact becomes immediate. Hongbin’s blistered eyes make the soft brown iris pop out more, and even like this they’re beautiful. Taekwoon can take in every single facial aspect of Lee Hongbin, right here, right now. He knows where his dimples will dip in by the slight indentation on his cheek, how his lips are almost like scars now that they’ve been soaked with tears, and how his eyelashes curve perfectly to almost touch his bone.

 

His lips taste like salt once they’re on Taekwoon’s own pair of lips. Hongbin keeps his eyes shut tight, not allowing a single drop of light to enter behind those eyelids. His cold lips become warm after a second or two. Taekwoon pushes his lips pass Hongbin’s and slowly kisses him back, lightly closing his eyes. He’s tempted to run his fingers through the other boy’s hair and kiss him harder, but Hongbin squirms out of his hold. Taekwoon’s eyes open immediately, reacting to the loss of warmth.

 

Hongbin’s feet shuffle towards the door and escape from the other side of it.

 

Is his heart okay?

******

 

It’s been a week since Hongbin’s come home, and Taekwoon’s genuinely worried. For the heart, yes, but he’s come to have at least a small worry for the well being of the boy himself. He’s been walking back and forth in his living room, worrying over the heart and how the boy’s doing and that kiss. That kiss and the heart are going to raise Taekwoon's blood pressure.

 

Taekwoon knows he shouldn’t have kissed Hongbin. He knew that would scare him off, but that’s not what Taekwoon wanted. Taekwoon wants Hongbin near him, he wants his--no, Hakyeon's--heart to be in hawk eye’s view, and now he wants his lips on his whenever he’s cold. He’s convinced that Hakyeon has taken complete control over the boy because there’s no way Taekwoon would fall for someone else and it’s exactly what he experienced with Hakyeon.

 

He’s desperate for Hongbin. Where can he find Hongbin?

 

He overthinks and has to hear his name be repeated twice when his latte is ready. Taekwoon apologizes to the barista, who’s looking at him strangely today for a damn good reason, and returns to his seat in the completely empty cafe. The barista returns to the back room, leaving Taekwoon to be the only one listening to the indie music softly being played. Snow’s still blanketing the city, which only makes Taekwoon wonder if Hongbin’s out in the cold, and cars are beeping more than they do on rainy days.

 

A fully-covered being sits down in the seat across from Taekwoon, black suit racing all the way down to his feet and hood hovering over his eyes.

 

“E-Excuse me,” Taekwoon says softly.

 

The person takes off his hood and Taekwoon immediately lifts his head. His latte is left sitting in his mouth and he slowly swallows it. He blinks. As if comforting himself, he crosses his arms and leans back.

 

Hongbin’s surprised by the reaction and smiles simply, dimples as deep as black holes but still so much more attractive on him. “I’m glad to see you react like this,” he says in his low voice. "I'm usually just greeted with a glance or something."

 

“That's right,” Taekwoon says seriously. He wants to act worried, which is how he truly is, but he wouldn't let that out. No, not on someone like Hongbin, who only knows of a dark Taekwoon. The worried side of him isn't released till a comfortable relationship has been established. “This time I crossed my arms--”

 

“Jaehwan’s back in town,” Hongbin cuts. “He’s staying this time. Brought his girl out and everything, since apparently she originates from here too. The wedding’s in two weeks. I don’t want to go alone, so I’m asking if you’d like to come along.” He folds his hands on the table. “And that I may return to your apartment.”

 

Taekwoon stares and nods, sipping on his latte. He glances at his chest, right where his heart is. He hasn’t heard it yet. He doesn’t know if it’s changed or not. If it hasn’t changed, then that means that he’s fallen for Hakyeon all over again in a different body, and he’s fine with that. He'd prefer that. If it’s changed, he doesn’t know what has happened to it.

 

But he knows it hasn’t changed. He’s positive it hasn’t changed. Hakyeon is still alive.

 

“I like you,” Hongbin says. “I like you….a lot. If I dared to, I’d say I love you, but I’m not going to because I think we’re both unsure of the whole situation at hand. If it was okay though, I’d like to know if we can at least attempt an...us. You don’t have to, but this was my only conclusion since….you know….you kissed me too….”

 

Taekwoon places his hands on the table and gently taps each finger on the wood.

 

An us.

 

It's similar to the beginning of his previous relationship. The only difference is Hongbin wants to dive straight into it, while Taekwoon is more of a testing guy.

 

“Can we...try us out?” he asks, lifting one eyebrow up.

 

Hongbin looks offended. “Did we not?” he asks. “I thought--”

 

“I mean get used to it,” Taekwoon rectifies. “Get used to...an us.”

 

“Oh, so, go on dates and stuff?” He glances up at the ceiling in thought. “That makes sense. Did you think I was rushing it? I’m sorry if you did, I didn’t mean to it’s just it’s been a while since I’ve actually gotten into a relationship and being flustered is normal and I’m--”

 

Taekwoon slides his right hand over Hongbin’s shaking hands and gives the most sincere smile he’s given in a while.

 

******

 

Taekwoon’s not much of the “hold hands in public” kind of person, and he won’t be now even though they’re at a wedding and him and Hongbin just look like friends who are friends with the either the bride or groom. He’s never met Jaehwan before, nor has he met the wife, so whatever thoughts that are in everyone’s mind are completely fictional. He’s not even cracking a smile, and when he does, it’s a small one that surfaces when Hongbin looks at him.

 

They both mentally agree not to hold each other’s hand like they do to not talk while eating. It’s only been two weeks since they’ve been dating, making it three in theory if you count the kiss, so it still seems a bit illogical to be holding hands when all they can really exchange are “I like you.” This is their first official date anyways.

 

He has decided coming to this wedding was a big mistake. He doesn’t even know if Hongbin has any family members or anything that he should be meeting ahead of time, but here he is meeting the boy’s best friend first.

 

“Why do you look like a fish out of water?” Hongbin asks Taekwoon, nudging his right arm and smiling at him. It makes Taekwoon wish he was taller so that he can see him smile up at him instead, but his luck is terrible in all circumstances.

 

Hongbin is wearing navy blue slacks with a dark purple button-up. His hair is parted a little more than halfway, just like the day they met, and he decided to fancy himself up by putting on eyeliner.

 

If they were already comfortable with dating each other, he’d slam him against a wall because of how well and composed he looks, but he can’t.

 

He has no right to complain anyways. He’s the one who suggested this in the first place.

 

Taekwoon has to deal with wearing the exact same thing as him, just with a white shirt and black pants instead. Hongbin wanted to match, but not completely, and Taekwoon abides to him, just like how he did with Hakyeon.

 

“I can still breathe,” Taekwoon admits, “unlike the fish.”

Hongbin laughs. “Why are you so nervous?”

 

“I don’t know, maybe because our first date isn’t a nice, private one, and rather, one in a public area?”

 

“If it makes you feel better…” Hongbin points at Jaehwan and his bride. “He met her at a bar, had a one night stand, then ran into her at the college library.”

 

Taekwoon holds in his laugh. “And their first date?”

 

“They were gonna have lunch at some chain food store but they ended up seeing each other during their human anatomy class.” He laughs. “Fun.”

 

Taekwoon’s lips lift from one side and Hongbin flicks his shoulder.

 

“This is better than that, am I right?” he laughs. “Better be damn grateful, Jung Taekwoon. Now let’s go find our seats.”

 

They enter the small hall and find their seats. The walls are pure wood and small circular tables with white tablecloths cover the floor, excluding the squared section left for dancing. Sturdy wooden chairs circle around the table and the utensils look as if they’re on display at an antique store.

 

They sit at the table nearest to the dance floor, though their seats are facing away from it. It’s silence for the first five minutes that the rest of the crowd decides to catch their seats too.

 

“Does Jaehwan know about me?” Taekwoon asks.

 

Hongbin grins, stupid dimples making Taekwoon want to slap him for being so damn attractive. “Jaehwan and I know everything about each other because secrets will tear us apart.”

 

After all the important stuff of a wedding party happens, music for everyone to dance to begins to play, and Taekwoon just knows that Hongbin was glaring at him throughout the entire first song.

 

“I want to dance,” he loudly exclaims over the music to Taekwoon.

 

Taekwoon looks at him from the corner of his eye.

 

“Hyung, please dance with me.”

 

He continues to look.

 

“For me?”

 

Taekwoon digs his fork into his piece of chocolate cake and takes a bite. It’s stale, dry, and he forcefully shoves it down his throat. Filling his cup with soda, he attempts to hide his disgust and drinks till the taste fades.

 

“If you want to make this a better date, then we should dance,” Hongbin grimly admits.

 

Taekwoon takes another sip and doesn’t reply. It means no, generally, and his partner should know that well enough already. Silence should be taken as a no.

 

“I take that as a yes.”

 

He grabs Taekwoon’s wrist and drags him over to the packed dance floor, where everyone who’s dancing is either female-and-female or male-and-female.

 

Not male-and-male.

 

It’s silly. Taekwoon shouldn’t be embarrassed by something as simple as dancing, but he is and he wants to get away from it as soon as possible. It’s not even the fact that he’s dancing, but rather it’s the fact that he’s dancing with his boyfriend at his boyfriend’s best friend’s wedding on their first date.

 

He’s angry at Hongbin right now.

 

Since their seats are close to the dance floor, they’re already on it. Taekwoon’s extremely pissed and wants to drag Hongbin back to their seats, but his smile is irresistible and he doesn’t want to see it fade away.

 

Once Hongbin finds a spot, he begins dancing on his own, and Taekwoon just stands. People look oddly at them, as if they’re wondering why they were even invited to the wedding. Hongbin doesn’t realize them till he spins around and then notices Taekwoon’s stiffness.

 

His smile fades away.

 

He shifts his eyes to his chest, making him wonder what Hakyeon would do in a situation like this. He’d either run off in embarrassment, get mad at Taekwoon, or continue dancing. Dancing would be the most likely to happen, but only by a little. He’s come to terms that if Hongbin’s smile isn’t on, then he can look at his heart. They both make him equally happy, and being in a relationship means that when you look at that person, you will be happy no matter how they look.

 

Taekwoon isn’t ready to exactly test out how he’ll feel when his smile isn’t on, so he just looks at his chest. He doesn’t want to see a sad Hongbin, or an angry one, or a terrified one. He wants to see a joyful Hongbin at all times.

 

He feels his wrist being moved again and quickly gives Hongbin a surprised look, eyes wide. He’s smiling again, hand grabbing his other wrist, and moving them up and down. Hongbin laughs and Taekwoon gets shy all over, ducking his head and looking at Hongbin from under his eyebrows.

 

Hongbin gets closer to him till their foreheads touch. “I don’t care what people think,” Hongbin whispers loud enough for him to hear.

 

His lips leave a moist kiss on Taekwoon’s forehead and he returns to dancing awkwardly with Taekwoon.

 

******

 

“How much do you like this cafe?”

 

“A lot more than I should.”

 

Taekwoon ordered a small, bland coffee for the coldest day ever recorded in Seoul. He’s a smart , he knows, but he didn’t want to get a large, let’s say, white chocolate cappuccino to last him the entire date. He wanted a small so if the conversation gets awkward, he can escape by saying he was going to get more coffee.

 

“By the rate we’re visiting here,” Hongbin laughs, “this might be the only place we’ll ever have a date!”

 

“Would you like that?” Taekwoon asks. “I wouldn’t mind.”

 

“I don’t want that,” Hongbin admits to Taekwoon’s displeasure. “Have you been to the zoo? I think we should go there next.”

 

“That’s not exactly private either. They put you in a caged car with a driver who knows a lot about animals. There’s another person there with you.”

 

“Do you not like the zoo, or animals?”

 

“They’re okay. I like how they cage us instead of the animals.”

 

“Are you being sarcastic?”

 

“No.”

 

Hongbin smiles and drinks his large hot chocolate. “Then maybe a musical production?”

 

“No interaction.”

 

“Hey, as long as you’re with me. Maybe that’ll inspire you. Become a musical actor!”

 

“My forte is not musical acting.”

 

“Oh, I doubt that!” Hongbin exclaims, slamming his hands down on the table. “C’mon! You get to act and sing with idols and--”

 

“What, you want me to be in there so you can meet idols?”

 

“Not just idols. Girls’ Generation.”

 

“They’re idols.”

 

“THEY’RE GODDESSES.”

 

Taekwoon stifles a laugh. “I thought you liked IU, from that song in the car.”

 

“IU’s amazing.”

 

“So it’s a competition between Girls’ Generation and IU?”

 

“They’ve got competition with Park Hyoshin, sir.”

 

Surprised is Taekwoon’s reaction. “You mean the guy old--”

 

“Old people aren’t the only ones who like him! Why does everyone think that?”

 

“Old people like ballads.”

 

“IU sings ballads.”

 

Taekwoon looks down, puts his fingers between his eyebrows, and shakes his head. “Never mind.”

 

“Damn right, ‘never mind.’” He gets up, taking his coffee cup with him. “I’m getting more hot choco and something to eat. Want anything?”

 

The other looks at his small coffee cup, glances back up at Hongbin, and says, “A large latte would do me well.”

 

Hongbin gives him a look, the type that reads, ‘and…?’

 

“Coffee cake.”

 

With an annoying (yet satisfactory) dimpled smile, he heads off to the cashier.

 

Taekwoon takes this time to think.

 

It’s been five days since the wedding. Not much, but in reality, it feels like everyday is a date since they live together. It’s usually “We date for several months and then the weird one asks you to move in” but no, not this time. This can come off as a good thing--faster connections, more comfortable, see each other all the time. There’s also the bad part--want a break, distance, more awkward moments. It’s a whirlwind.

 

He wants to take this easy. He didn’t want to rush anything, but that’s how it feels. Five days after their first terrible date, they’re at a cafe, and maybe in two weeks they’ll be in a caged car with a zoologist, and then maybe another week without a date would be too long so three days later, Hongbin’s singing “Dancing Through Life” in the car. On their way to see the musical, Wicked.

 

How can they take things easy when their relationship is practically as fast as trying to catch the last bus home?

 

“I’m now regretting buying myself a chocolate croissant,” Hongbin says, sliding a paper bag with Taekwoon’s coffee cake across the table to him. He sits down and begins to warm his hands with the cup. “There’s gonna be chocolate all over my fingers and I’m going to feel disgusting and I really should’ve just gotten coffee cake.”

 

“Want mine?” Taekwoon offers.

 

“No, no, it’s okay hyung. You wanted a coffee cake.”

 

“But I’m fine with a chocolate croissant.”

 

“Hey, you said you wanted a coffee cake. Done deal. You don’t need to address my wants.”

 

“But I want to. I’ll take your croissant.”

 

“Jung Taekwoon--”

 

He switches their snacks and rips off a piece of the croissant. He eats it and blinks at Hongbin. “What?”

 

“I can’t believe I’m dating you.”

 

He bites off another piece. “Enjoy your coffee cake.”

 

Hongbin blushes and pokes at the coffee cake with a fork. “Thank you.”

 

Taekwoon the chocolate off his fingers and nods.

 

******

 

Taekwoon was off by a week.

 

“Why’s it empty?” Hongbin asks.

 

Suddenly, there’s a thud on the hood of the car and Hongbin jumps in his seat. A shadow looms over the caged window and the next thing both of them know, a female lion is glaring at them through the squared holes.

 

“She totally came from behind,” Hongbin says, getting closer to the window. “Right?”

 

The zoologist in the driver’s seat nods and begins blurting out facts on female lions. Taekwoon slides over closer to Hongbin and tries to get a closer look of the animal. His chin hovers over Hongbin’s right shoulder and instead of leaving his hands to lay flat on the leather seats of the car, he does what seems right to him and hugs Hongbin from behind. The other reacts by slightly looking to his right and dipping his head down.

 

Two weeks after the cafe date, Hongbin wanted to go to the zoo and rent a private car to look around. Taekwoon didn’t have the urge to reject when he was all smiles and dimples, so they left early in the morning so they could be eligible for a private car. They were lucky and got one, and their tour started right away.

 

The first stop was the safari, where once they got there, was empty. Then the female lion jumped out and decided to greet them.

 

“When will the other animals be out?” Taekwoon asks, privately making faces at the lioness.

 

“They should be out by now,” the zoologist says, “but if not, it’s okay. We come back down this route, so you’ll get to see all the animals twice.” He steps on the gas and begins to drive.

 

“Why isn’t it moving?” Hongbin whispers. “Shouldn’t it get off? Hey!” He begins to speak to the lioness. “I’d consider getting off, you know? Looking at us like that and driving seems a bit dangerous.” Taekwoon smiles at Hongbin’s concern. “You live on the dangerous side of life.”

 

The lioness jumps off while the car is moving and Hongbin straightens his back in surprise. Taekwoon smiles at the cute gesture.

 

“It reminds me of you,” Hongbin says.

 

“The lioness?” Taekwoon asks. He pokes Hongbin’s stomach and the other responds by punching his hands.

 

“Just my opinion, don’t be offended. I just think you’re like a lion in general. Some breed of cat!”

 

“Some breed of cat,” he repeats. “Okay.”

 

Hongbin turns his head and kisses Taekwoon’s cheek.

 

Hongbin’s fascination with all the animals is Taekwoon’s source of happiness. He never found gazelles so surprising or a bear eating fish to be “innovative”, but that’s what Hongbin thought and every time he did react like that, Taekwoon would hug him tighter.

 

When they were done with the tour, Taekwoon found himself being dragged to a farmhouse near the exit of the zoo. “What are we doing?” Taekwoon moans.

 

“Piglets!” Hongbin exclaims. “I want to hold baby pigs!”

 

“Pigs?”

 

“Yeah! They’re really cute.” He stops at the entrance and lightly pinches Taekwoon’s cheeks. “Like hyung.”

 

Hongbin forcefully brings Taekwoon through the entrance. It smells like manure. Baby pigs are inside pens, oinking at everything and huddling.

 

Taekwoon finds them absolutely adorable and leans over the gates, smiling and cooing at the baby pigs. There’s maybe five, but there is more at the back of the pen under a sheltered roof.

 

Hongbin throws his arm around Taekwoon’s shoulder. “Wanna hold ‘em?” he asks grinning.

 

The other holds his hand and they walk over to the supervisors, asking for suits and such. After throwing a cloak over their outfits, they walk (embarrassingly) hand-in-hand to the pigs. Taekwoon’s more eager than ever and is making up this plan in his head on how to at least take one. He wants them all, but he’ll allow himself to take at least one. Or two. Depends how well his plan goes.

 

They’re quickly instructed on how to grab and hold the pigs. He replies with a nod at everything said and is the first to hold a pig. He tries to contain his smile and Hongbin laughs at him. “Hyung, just smile!” he insists. “You’re holding a pig!”

 

Instantly, weird noises that Taekwoon makes with his mouth make the pig move in his arm. It starts to move its snout and let out screech oinks that would’ve annoyed Taekwoon if he wasn’t holding this adorable pig in practically the palm of his hands. “Are they for sale?” Taekwoon asks a couple minutes later, deciding not to go with the stealing idea.

 

“No,” the supervisor says.

 

Taekwoon pouts, gently puts the pig down, and lightly nudges Hongbin. “Let’s go.”

 

“Why?” he asks, putting the pig down after.

“Because they aren’t selling pigs.”