******

 

One entire month since they’ve been dating, and Hongbin is accessorizing his eyes by putting the now empty cups of water over his them. He widens his eyes and laughs. “Take a picture!” he begs. “Hyung, take a picture before my eyes burn!”

 

Taekwoon rests his chin on his palm and stares intensely at him. “You’re stupid.”

 

“Take it!”

 

Lazily, Taekwoon takes out his phone and snaps the picture. He gives it a half-smile and secretly makes it his lock screen photo.

 

“Let me see it, you dweeb,” Hongbin says, reaching across the table for his phone. Taekwoon slides it and it falls in Hongbin’s lap. “Or that.” He takes a look at it. “Ah...never mind. Delete it for me, yeah?”

 

Taekwoon nods, takes back his phone, locks the photo, never deletes it, and closes his screen.

 

They went to a restaurant to celebrate one month of being together and around four months of living together. Hongbin wanted the food to be on him, since Taekwoon’s always cooking his meals, and they hadn’t gone on a date since the zoo, which was last week.

 

The server comes with their checkbook and Hongbin’s credit card inside. Now that they’re done, they exit the restaurant and walk with intertwined hands to their apartment.

 

“You know, dates aren’t, like, a weekly thing, right?” Taekwoon asks.

 

“Do you not like dates?” Hongbin asks.

 

“We live together. Can’t we just have movie night or something?”

 

Hongbin looks at him. “Sorry.”

 

Taekwoon does the right thing and kisses the other’s cheek, out of guilt, really. “Don’t be. Ignore me. It was only a suggestion.”

 

That night, Taekwoon’s up watching cartoons and Hongbin’s in the bathroom, getting ready to take one of his long- showers. He doesn’t know what he does in there, but they take at least an hour and a half. The water bill’s gone up too, but Taekwoon doesn’t want to say anything because Hongbin likes to apologize and fix his errors.

 

There’s a knock at the door. Both of them aren’t expecting anyone, from what he knows. No one ever comes over either, especially at ten o’clock.

 

Carefully, Taekwoon walks to the door and opens it.

 

A familiar face--really familiar. Interesting facial structure, kind of tall, brown hair, big nose….

 

“Is Hongbin here?” Jaehwan asks.

 

“Uh,” Taekwoon utters. “Uh--um?”

 

“I know I come here uninvited but…” He looks at Taekwoon and distorts his face, almost as if he’s unpleased. “I need to talk to him about something.”

 

The sound of water echoes from behind him.

 

“He’s taking a shower...but you’re welcomed to stay till he finishes.”

 

Jaehwan nods and enters, looking around the apartment and trying to figure out where he should sit.

 

“You can sit on the couch,” Taekwoon says, plunging himself down on the larger one. Jaehwan settles for the single couch.

 

Thinking it’s rude, Taekwoon shuts off the cartoons and looks around his place awkwardly. The other looks at the wooden stand next to him and examines the pictures. There’s one of Taekwoon’s parents, and the other is of two hands intertwined: one clearly darker than the other. He looks closer at it and Taekwoon becomes possessive, but he then turns his head and smiles at him.

 

“What were you watching?” he asks. “You can continue watching if you want.”

 

“Oh, um…” Taekwoon’s voice fades, switching his eye contact to the remote control. Though he wants to fight the urge to press the power button, he finds his index finger already pressing it and the light from the the television getting brighter. “I don’t know what I was watching.”

 

“Was it interesting?”

 

Taekwoon nods. Jaehwan looks at the screen and smiles. “I know this!” he exclaims, pointing at the screen.

 

Taekwoon looks at him from the corner of his eyes and seems him squinting his eyes, trying to remember the title. “I know what it’s called, I know what it’s called, I know what it’s called!” he repeats.

 

He begins to slam his head on the couch, muttering to himself and clutching the leather of the couch. He does that for several minutes.

 

Taekwoon wants to kick him out.

 

“What is taking Hongbin so damn long?” he yells, facing Taekwoon and the soft noise of water falling behind them.

 

“He takes long showers,” Taekwoon states.

 

Jaehwan sighs. “Do you take long showers?”

 

Taekwoon shakes his head.

 

“So the water bill’s like--” Jaehwan quickly moves his hand above him and stretches his arm out as much as he can, attempting to indicate a raise.

 

Taekwoon nods.

 

The other shakes his head and returns to focus on the photos. Taekwoon wants to distract him--maybe he can find out the name of the show, or ask him questions about Hongbin, anything--

 

“Are those your parents?” he asks, pointing at their photo. Taekwoon nods slowly, getting a bit protective with his parents too. “Your mother’s pretty. Not prettier than mine, but pretty.”

 

Taekwoon highly doubts that because of the length of that nose on his face.

 

Jaehwan’s gaze switches to the other photo: the one he’s most protective of. “And this one…?”

 

“Don’t touch--”

 

“Is this you and Hakyeon’s hands?”

 

Taekwoon’s eyes widen and he snatches the photo away from him. “Do you just touch people’s belongings--”

 

“Is this you and Hakyeon’s hands?” Jaehwan asks again, this time leaning forward and pointing at the photo. Taekwoon looks at him with suspicion, eyes widened and lips slightly parted.

 

“How do you know Hakyeon?”

 

“Answer me!”

 

“You answer me first.”

 

“I asked first. Is this you and Hakyeon’s hands?”

 

Taekwoon’s angry. “I asked,” he says through grinded teeth, clutching the photo, “how you know who Hakyeon is.”

 

“And I asked--”

 

“No!”

 

“Don’t lie to me. That isn’t Hongbin’s. His skin is much lighter and those are not his fingers. I can tell you that much.”

 

“What if it’s my parent’s?”

 

Jaehwan grabs the photo of Taekwoon’s parents and points. “They are not this dark. Only Hakyeon is.” He points at the photo in Taekwoon’s hand. “So that’s Hakyeon.”

 

Taekwoon stays silent with an expressionless face. Yes, it’s Hakyeon’s hand, but he isn’t going to admit that to his boyfriend’s best friend. Moreover, he wants to know how Jaehwan knows who Hakyeon is. What he’s expecting is that Hongbin had told him about him and how he owns his heart and all, but there’s always that small possibility that he found out some other way.

 

“How do you know Hakyeon?”

 

“Oh, man. I wish Hongbin was here to see this. Stop asking about Hakyeon!”

 

“How do you know Hakyeon?” he asks again.

 

“Let me tell you something. I’m here because I wanted to tell Hongbin alone about you. I wanted to tell him I’m worried for him because of you.”

 

Jaehwan gives a face as if expecting a reply that would backfire that claim, like, “You don’t need to worry about him,” or, “That’s my job.”

 

But instead, “How do you know Hakyeon?”

 

“You see!” Jaehwan exclaims, throwing his hands in the air. “This is why. You’re not possessive at all! In a real relationship, you say that it’s your job to make the other happy and whatnot. You? You’re just all over Hongbin because he owns Hakyeon’s heart.”

 

“How do you know Hakyeon?”

 

“You never really got over Hakyeon. You’re still with him because his heart is still beating. To you, he never really died. You haven’t cried since his death because he hasn’t died. You know what else takes part when someone dies? Their muscles stop moving, their brain stops working, their blood stops flowing, their breathing stops happening, their body stops growing, and their heart stops beating. All of that has stopped for Hakyeon except the heart. Hakyeon is dead. For all I know, the heartbeat isn’t the same. Stop obsessing over someone that’s dead.”

 

It’s scary to Taekwoon, how Jaehwan just said practically everything he’s been wondering and feeling. Hakyeon hasn’t died to him. He will only accept Hakyeon’s death when he finds out how his heart beats.

 

He doesn’t want to know how his heartbeat. He wants to believe that it’s still the same, and not be faced by the fact that it’s changed.

 

“How do you know Hakyeon?”

 

Jaehwan escorts himself out of the apartment.

 

******

 

They enter the bookstore hand-in-hand. They’ve been doing that lately, and now it’s just a habit. Walking next to each other? Holding hands. Sitting across from each other? Most likely holding hands. Together? Holding hands. Something about Hongbin’s hands make Taekwoon feel comfortable.

 

“It’s so empty,” Taekwoon whispers, thinking that bookstores and libraries have the same policy of silence.

 

“That’s because everyone likes the internet,” he says in his normal voice. “You can read on the internet.” He looks throughout the bottom floor. “What do you like to read, hyung? Historical, art, science fiction, YA books…”

 

“Um...what about you?”

 

“Anything,” he simply says.

 

“What’s upstairs?”

 

“Children’s books, but we’re in our twenties, hyung.”

 

Taekwoon drags Hongbin up the stairs as he continuously whispers, “Taekwoon, that’s children’s books! Children’s! There will be children up there!”

 

Well, “up there,” there wasn’t any children. A couple of adults maybe looking for books for their children, but no children. Taekwoon heads for an aisle that is in the far back and empty, and once he finds the right one, he takes his seat on the floor.

 

Hongbin looks down at him, still holding his hand. “Why are we here?”

 

“I don’t like to read,” Taekwoon confesses. “Not unless they have pictures.”

 

Hongbin giggles and takes his seat next to him, leaning forward and picking a book out from the shelf. “That’s not considered reading if you’re looking at the pictures.”

 

Taekwoon snatches the book, lets go of Hongbin’s hand, reads the title, and starts to find some sort of answer. “Did you pick this book on purpose?” he asks, pointing at the title.

 

“Do Not Open This Book!” he reads, “by Michaela Muntean. Illustrated by Pascal Lemaitre.” He looks back at Taekwoon and gives an open-mouthed smile. “I just picked whatever!” He clutches the book, but the other holds onto it for life. “You aren’t allowed to read it.”

 

“I want to open it,” Taekwoon snaps.

 

“But you can’t. You were instructed to not open it.”

 

“I’m the hyung.”

 

Hongbin pouts and lets him open the book.

 

It’s filled with pictures. Clearly a children’s book. Even the words are illustrated in, and Taekwoon’s face lights up. They read the book together, and when the time comes to fill in the blanks with someone’s name, Taekwoon’s already using Hongbin’s name.

 

“Hey!” he says. “I’m not a pest!”

 

“The book says otherwise.”

 

Hongbin smiles and rests his head on Taekwoon’s right shoulder, reading along with Taekwoon and listening to his comments on the artwork made to impress children.

 

As he reads, Taekwoon wants to keep on reading forever. He wants to stay in this position with Hongbin and the book and talk about it here and there. He feels comfortable after not being comfortable for so long.

 

“You helped make the book,” Hongbin claims. “Congrats.”

 

Taekwoon lightly smacks Hongbin’s face with the book, puts it away, and takes out another one. “The pictures in this book are really nice,” Taekwoon says, showing the other The Very Hungry Caterpillar by Eric Carle.

 

“I’ve never heard of this one,” Hongbin says. He turns his head and gleams his eyes at him. “Read it to me?”

 

Taekwoon reads the lines quickly, then goes straight to the talk of the pictures. He talks about the holes in the book and how they’re supposed to be there, representing a caterpillar and how he really wanted an ice cream cone after seeing the portrayal of it. He does that for the entire book and for another two books, in which Hongbin silently and carefully listens to every word. His hum is melodic in his ears and he wants to fall asleep to him humming a tune, but he the pictures are distracting.

 

After putting away the last book, he sighs and says, “I’m done.”

 

Both turn their heads to look at each other, and Hongbin gives a soft smile with sleepy eyes.

 

“Are you tired?” Taekwoon asks.

 

“Your voice is nice,” Hongbin admits. “I like hearing you talk about things you like.”

 

“Want to hear more?”

 

Hongbin makes a face, as if not wanting to hear more about pictures, and Taekwoon puffs out a laugh.

 

It would be awkward if they were in another situation--the silence, that is. But, this is the silence in which they observe each other's faces and find their lips getting closer each second.

 

Taekwoon digs right in.

 

It’s slow, of course. Taekwoon wants to take things slow anyways, though it’s been a month of cheek-kissing and wanting to furiously make Hongbin his. His lips are warm and soft, most likely the opposite of Taekwoon's. Eyes are closed and his hand finds his way behind Hongbin’s neck, pulling him closer to him. The last time they kissed each other’s lips was when Hongbin plainly confessed his crush on Taekwoon and left for a damn week, and now that he’s back, he doesn’t want to lose his chance of having a legit kiss.

 

Hongbin wants the kiss to be deeper. It’s a battle inside their mouths and it’s probably something they shouldn’t do in a children’s books aisle of a bookstore, but this moment is so important that they don’t care. No one’s run into them for the past hour, so who’s going to now?

 

Taekwoon hasn’t had a kiss like this in so long. He’s had a desire for it to happen again and after so many months, it’s finally happening. He wants to take Hongbin home and finish it off, but he reminds himself that he’s taking things slow. He proposed the idea, so he’ll stick to it. The last time he didn’t stick to what he said, he ended up with Hongbin living under his roof.

 

They get so close to each other that Taekwoon begins to fear what he’s been fearing since the start: his heart. If he gets too close, he’ll hear Hongbin’s heartbeat and he’ll find the truth out about it and he’ll escape the scene. This time, he’ll escape.

 

Taekwoon pulls away and breathes heavily. He smiles at Hongbin and holds his hand tightly. Hongbin smiles back, blushes arising in his cheeks and dimples coming out. He rests his head on Taekwoon’s chest and whispers something he can’t hear.

 

Letting go of his hands, he puts his arms around Hongbin instead and lets one hand ruffle his hair.

 

That damn heart.

 

******

 

It is ten at night and Taekwoon is watching the cartoon whose name no one remembers. The channel hasn’t announced it, Hongbin doesn’t remember it...he even asked the barista at the cafe about it, and she didn’t know either.

 

He stares at the main character with his arms crossed. It’s making him angry. He’s already tried putting the description of the main character in search bars, but all that comes up are celebrities. He closes his eyes, attempting to think harder, and when he opens them, Hongbin is at the other side of the couch, watching the show.

 

Taekwoon glances at him, then at the screen. “Have you figured it out yet?” Hongbin asks.

 

He shakes his head.

 

Since the kiss a couple of days ago, it seems they’ve been a bit more open to each other. Taekwoon has trouble opening up, but Hongbin can get at it quicker than him. It can be seen as either sad or great that it took them a whole month to get to that point, but they're taking it as a good thing.

 

For the next twenty minutes, they watch the show silently.

 

Which is weird.

 

Hongbin doesn’t pay attention to this show. He talks to Taekwoon, who doesn’t pay attention to what he’s saying, and asks for his opinion on photos that he’s taken. But now, he’s simply listening to it and looking down at his feet during commercials. He hasn’t smiled since yesterday, which has been bothering Taekwoon. He hasn’t been doing any of the things he usually does.

 

The show ends and Taekwoon turns off the TV. He looks at Hongbin, who continues to look down at his feet.

 

“Hongbin,” Taekwoon whispers. Hongbin doesn’t reply or look at him.

 

“Lee Hongbin,” Taekwoon whispers again. No reply.

 

Taekwoon bites the inside of his mouth. “Bin-ah,” he says in his regular voice.

 

Hongbin quickly looks up and to the side to see Taekwoon. His eyes are widened--Taekwoon was hoping for a possible smile, since that’s the first time he’s ever called him something besides “Hongbin” or “Lee Hongbin”, but no luck.

 

“Are you okay?” he asks him.

 

Hongbin looks away from Taekwoon and goes back to his feet, making Taekwoon slightly angry inside.

 

“Answer me, Hongbin.”

 

“I’m fine,” he says.

 

Taekwoon scoots closer to him and has his body face the side of Hongbin’s. “Then why aren’t you talking?” he asks softly. “Or smiling?”

 

Hongbin sighs and turns his head to face him. “Hyung, really, I’m--”

 

Taekwoon leans forward and looks at him straight in his brown eyes. He can see the other’s lips quivering slightly.

 

“Don’t lie to me.”

 

Hongbin looks away and pushes him off. He gets off the couch, walks a little away from it, and makes his back face Taekwoon.

 

“Can I ask you something?” Hongbin silently asks.

 

Taekwoon doesn’t answer.

 

Hongbin covers his face with one hand. “What am I to you?”

 

Taekwoon straightens his back at the question and tries to muster up an answer.

 

Hongbin turns around in the midst of it. “You have to think about it?” he asks, offended.

 

Taekwoon glares at him.

 

“The other night,” Hongbin begins, “when Jaehwan came by to see me. Did you know I heard all of it? All of your conversation was heard by me.” He takes a deep breath, lip still visibly quivering. “He talked about how you’re not over Hakyeon and all you would ask is ‘How do you know Hakyeon?’ and you just tried to stay away from the fact that”--he picks up the photo of Hakyeon and Taekwoon’s hands, pointing at Hakyeon’s hand--”these are his hands!” He drops the photo on the floor, making Taekwoon stiffen and get ready to get off the couch. Hongbin looks at the photo, then back at his boyfriend. “It’s fine. Stop worrying so much about the photo.”

 

Taekwoon loosens a little bit.

 

“Is that photo all you worry about?”

 

Taekwoon shakes his head.

 

“What do you worry about, Taekwoon?” he asks.

 

“You,” Taekwoon says immediately.

 

“How about you don't lie to me!” Hongbin screams. “I have lived with you for four months, and I know way too well that you don't worry about me.”

 

Taekwoon gets off the couch and walks slowly up to him. Hongbin backs away in return, shaking his head and seeing tears begin to build up at the edge of his eyes. Taekwoon stops walking towards him.

 

“I'm only here because of one thing.” His voice trembles.

 

Taekwoon shakes his head.

 

“My heart,” he finishes. “I'm here because of my heart.”

 

Taekwoon shakes his head again, faster than before.

 

“No?" Hongbin raises his voice. “Did I say it wrong? Am I here because of Cha Hakyeon's heart?”

 

“Don't say that," Taekwoon whispers.

 

“You know it's true. Ever since you told me that you were his boyfriend, I figured why you asked me to move in. I remember you saying to keep my heart away from you, but I always knew you wanted his heart near. I wholeheartedly believe what Jaehwan said.”

 

There is complete silence. Hongbin blinks and a tear falls from his right eye.

 

“Don’t believe it,” Taekwoon says. “Don’t believe what he said.”

 

“I thought you were a really great person, actually. I thought that I had finally found someone who could love me for me and give themselves up for that, but you don’t love me.”

 

Taekwoon wants to throw his arms around Hongbin and let him cry on his shoulder, comfort him till he falls asleep and tell him everything he’s been feeling.

 

The truth is, Taekwoon obviously did ask Hongbin to move in because of his heart. He still believes Hakyeon is alive because that heart is beating, and Taekwoon wants to take care of it. He wants to make it happy again. Yes, Hongbin developed a crush due to it, but Taekwoon can’t say that he didn’t either. Taking care of his heart was like falling for Hakyeon all over again, yet still completely different. The person he was falling for wasn’t Hakyeon, but the heart was. The heart was Hakyeon’s.

 

ty thing though, he fell head over heels, and he knows for exactly what. Yes, there’s Hakyeon’s heart beating in Hongbin, which is making him believe Hakyeon’s still alive, but he fell for that a long time ago. He’s fallen all over again. You don’t re-fall for a love you’ve always had.

 

But you can fall for something new.

 

Taekwoon has fallen for Hongbin, and not because he has Hakyeon’s heart.

 

“Do you love me,” Hongbin asks, voice trembling way more than before, “or do you love my heart?”

 

He’s afraid of heartbreak again. Taekwoon knows it.

 

He stares at him. He’s fighting the urge to hug him because he knows he’s just going to get pushed away.

 

“Answer me!”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Yes what!” Hongbin yells, immediately making himself small by crouching down. He wraps his arms around his knees.

 

Taekwoon walks up to him, crouches down in front of him, and moves his ruffled hair away from his face. “I love you, Hongbin,” he silently admits. “I love you more than I ever thought I would.”

 

Hongbin looks at him for what seems like an eternity. “Are you lying to me?”

 

Taekwoon cups the other’s face softly and kisses him slowly. “No, so stop fearing it.”

 

******

 

Hongbin stays with Taekwoon for the night. Taekwoon is comfortable with Hongbin in his arms, slowly beginning to fall asleep.

 

“Have you lied to me before?” Hongbin’s voice drags.

 

Taekwoon tries to think of times he has lied. “Once,” he replies.

 

“What was it?”

 

“I don’t want to tell you. I don’t like letting people know.”

 

Hongbin turns around in his arms to face him. “Do you think you can tell me some time in the future?”

 

Taekwoon bites his lip. “Maybe.”

 

Hongbin nods and closes his eyes, obviously way too tired from all the crying and panicking that happened an hour ago. Taekwoon kisses his forehead and tries his best to go to sleep.

 

It becomes two in the morning and he’s super tired, but he just can’t go to sleep. Something’s bothering him. Taekwoon took his arms out from under Hongbin a while ago, but that can’t be anything to do with the reason why he’s not sleeping.

 

Taekwoon looks at Hongbin. He tries to figure out what may be keeping him up, but fails to do so. He breathes out through his nose and attempts to fall asleep.

 

His mind tells him there’s something he needs to check.

 

Taekwoon immediately thinks of the heart.

 

He widely opens his eyes and stares at Hongbin’s chest. This is his moment to check if the heartbeat is still the same, if there’s a part of Hakyeon in Hongbin or not.

 

He needs to check if Hakyeon is dead.

 

Taekwoon slowly begins to move down the bed until his ear is at Hongbin’s chest. He really shouldn’t do this. He should just never find out. The rest of the world can believe he’s dead, but Taekwoon can keep the fake fact that Hakyeon is alive and well because his heart still beats.

 

Hakyeon’s heart still beats the same.

 

But this has been long overdue. It’s been almost five months since Hakyeon passed away.

 

Taekwoon can’t stop hiding the truth.

 

As his ear gets closer to his heart, Taekwoon closes his eyes and expects the best.

 

His ear touches the other’s chest and he doesn’t hear anything for a couple of seconds.

 

Just when Taekwoon decides to save himself from hearing the tune, it surges through his ear.

 

Taekwoon listens to it with opened eyes, taking in the sound and processing it through his head.

 

He cries.

 

He cries a lot, to the point where he literally begins to lose his breath and tremble excessively. He feels Hongbin move and he backs away immediately.

 

“Taekwoon,” he mutters. “Taekwoon hyung, are you okay?”

 

He breathes heavily and cries some more. He can’t believe it at all.

 

He begins to hit Hongbin’s chest repeatedly and softly whines out, “Why?”

 

Hongbin hugs Taekwoon close to him, despite how much Taekwoon wants to stay away from him.

 

“Hyung, what’s wrong?”

 

Taekwoon shakes his head and whispers, “I’ll tell you tomorrow.”

 

Hongbin nods and kisses the top of his head.

 

Taekwoon rests his head on the other’s shoulder. Being the same height isn’t so bad right now.

 

Taekwoon’s crying doesn’t stop throughout the night. It happens on and off and the only thing helping him is the tighter hold of Hongbin.

 

Hearing his heart was a bad idea.

 

It was the worst idea he’s ever had.

 

The heart was different. The beat was different, the feel was different, the sound, the speed--everything wasn’t like Hakyeon’s heart. The melody changed, the harmony was in a different key.

 

Taekwoon whispers, “It’s different,” and screams into Hongbin’s shoulder, biting the tear-stained shirt and trying to concentrate on the hold Hongbin has of him rather than the stupid heart.

 

“Just continue to cry, okay?” Hongbin whispers back to Taekwoon.

 

It’s the first time Taekwoon has cried over Hakyeon’s death.

 

******

 

He wakes up alone in bed. Looking to his right, he finds the clock ticking away. It’s almost 9:30 and Taekwoon’s ready to starve until the afternoon.

 

He sits up and sighs heavily, honestly not wanting to see Hongbin until he sees Hakyeon’s grave.

 

Which he should go see, since now he knows he’s dead.

 

He gets out of bed and begins to ready himself up in a simple tuxedo. He allows his hair to sweep over his forehead messily.

 

He skips his morning routine and heads out, not finding Hongbin to be anywhere inside the apartment and not caring at all.

 

The first thing he does is call Hakyeon’s sister from outside the apartment building.

 

“Hello?” she says.

 

“This is Taekwoon.”

 

Silence. Long, boring silence, to the point where he thinks she hung up without him knowing or something.

 

“What do you want?”

 

“Where is Hakyeon buried?”

 

She lets out a short huff of air, as if laughing. “What a jerk.”

 

“Mm?”

 

“You want to know where Hakyeon is buried? Why would you even care?”

 

“Because--”

 

“Don’t give me a reason, you . You took in the person who owns his heart and left Hakyeon behind. Why would I tell you where he’s buried? You didn’t do anything for him after his death.”

 

“I took care of his heart!”

 

“Oh, shut up Jung Taekwoon! That’s not his heart anymore, you should have known that from the beginning. I won’t tell you where he’s buried. You left my brother, you left us to mourn. Our family decided to put something on his grave to commemorate your love, but you didn’t even show up. I regret allowing that to happen. You’re a really big .”

 

“I didn’t leave him, let me just explain to you--”

 

“No.”

 

She hung up on that instant.

 

Taekwoon stuffs his phone in his pocket and bites his lip. How else would he find Hakyeon’s grave?

 

He thinks about another possible way to find it. It takes up five minutes of his time and he almost gives up on it until he sees a familiar face coming up to him.

 

Inside his head, he’s cursing at himself for not running ahead of time. He stares the person in the eye.

 

“Hongbin told me to check up on you,” Jaehwan says, “but it looks like you’re heading somewhere.”

 

Taekwoon nods.

 

“May I join you?”

 

“I don’t know where I’m going.”

 

“Hell, then why’d you dress up so nicely? You look like you were invited to one of those top-notch CEO meetings for Samsung.”

 

Taekwoon stares at him, not changing his facial expression once.

 

“Alright, sore-looking man,” he compliments with a smile. “I’ll help you figure out a place where to go. Where would you like to go?”

 

“Hakyeon’s grave,” he responds immediately.

 

Jaehwan’s smile fades away within a second. “Why?” His voice is filled with concern and seems like he wants to keep it a secret too.

 

“Because I know he’s dead. I...I listened to Hongbin’s heartbeat last night and I’ve-I’ve been a wreck since then.” He scratches his head and sighs heavily.

 

Jaehwan blinks, then nods very slowly. “I didn’t believe Hongbin when he told me.”

 

“He knows?” Taekwoon says with panic.

 

“He figured it out. He’s not that stupid, you know.”

 

“H-How did he--”

 

“Look, he’ll tell you. I’ll take you to the Cha’s grave, okay?”

 

Taekwoon nods slowly. “Thank you,” he whispers.

 

******

 

HERE RESTS CHA HAKYEON, LOVING SON, LOVING BROTHER, LOVING FRIEND

 

Taekwoon bites the inside of his mouth at the last part, lacing his fingers together in front of him.

 

AND LOVING LOVER. 90.06.30-14.08.02.

 

He feels like a complete jerk. If the last part was meant to resemble their love, then Taekwoon feels like a huge, complete jerk.

 

He had bought flowers at the entrance to leave at Hakyeon’s side. He left them at the front of his tombstone before reading it.

 

The grave has grown a fresh patch of green grass and seems to be doing better than the surrounding graves. That’s what Hakyeon was always like: making sure he was doing better. Taking care of himself. The sun was being a little hot, and the soil felt great under his feet, so that must have been why it was looking beautiful.

 

He crouches down and feels tears coming through.

 

“I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I’m sorry I didn’t do enough for you, before and after death. I’ve been such an since you left. I thought you were still alive, I thought that I was thinking about you all this time, but in reality I was just thinking of myself. I thought I had been taking care of you, but I was only trying to cope with a fantasy. These couple of months, while thinking I was falling for your heart, I fell in love with the person who renewed it. His name is Lee Hongbin, and he’s amazing. He’s got these sweet dimples and soft, elegant hands. He makes me happy through all this pain I’ve been going through. You’ll accept that, right? You’ll accept someone new for me, right? I can’t be mad at you even if you didn’t. I can’t stay mad at you for a second. I think you’d really like Hongbin too, you know? He’s got this mindset you’d enjoy. He’s not like you, but he is a bit.”

 

Tears fall down his cheek and land on his knee. He takes a deep breath and continues.

 

“I finally figured out what you were: dead. I’m sorry it took me so long. I was too scared, really, and I hope you’ll forgive me for it. There’s a fine line between forgiveness and holding a grudge, but you are one who’d jump over it so easily. I hope you’ll jump over it for me.”

 

He laughs a bit, wiping a tear away from his face. “I love you, you know? I love you Hakyeon. I will never stop loving you.”

 

Taekwoon lashes out in tears. He hugs his knees and cries as he did last night, with the only comfort being himself.

 

He feels footsteps coming towards him, and then arms around him. Thinking it’s Jaehwan, he pushes him away, but the arms go right back around him.

 

“Jaehwan, get off--”

 

“It’s me.”

 

Taekwoon’s eyes widen and he turns around to see Hongbin, clearly worried for the other’s well-being. “H-Hongbin, what are you--”

 

“Jaehwan called me and told me everything.”

 

He slowly shakes his head. “I-I’m sorry for everything.”

 

“It’s okay,” he shushes, hugging him as the other continues to cry. “It’s okay, just let it all out.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“Jung Taekwoon, shut up.”

 

“I’m sorry for everything I’ve done--”

 

“Stop.” He hugs him tighter and kisses his cheek. “I hate seeing you cry.”

 

******

 

Rather than eating a meal for dinner, he drinks four lattes. Taekwoon doesn’t have the strength to chew on food.

 

Hongbin eats dino-nuggets on the other side of the island counter they eat at. Slowly eating, as always, as if he doesn’t have a care in the world.

 

But that’s not true. He looks genuinely worried for his boyfriend, who hasn’t spoken since they left the cemetery and is preparing for his fifth latte.

 

“What’s bothering you?” he asks before Taekwoon can get up to make his latte.

 

Taekwoon glares at him. He knows he’s worried and all, but more than anything, Taekwoon’s curious as to why he hasn’t left him yet. If he knew all along that he was only there because he had Hakyeon’s heart, then why not leave?

 

“You won’t tell me, will you?”

 

He continues to glare.

 

“Alright,” he says, placing his dino-nugget down on his plate. He straightens his back and crosses his arms. “Since I know something’s bothering you, I will start blabbering and hopefully, whatever has been bothering you will be answered as I speak.”

 

Glare. That’s all Taekwoon does.

 

“I’m sure it’s mainly about what happened today. Where was I this morning? I was at your favorite cafe. I was thinking you’d go there since you had a breakdown last night and it’s a second home to you, but I waited there for three hours and nothing. I called Jaehwan to check up on you and told him the story of how you found out my heart is not Hakyeon’s. Now, how did I know this? It’s quite obvious. Ever since the start, I knew I was here for the heart. I was more sure of it when you told me to keep you away from it. I knew you hadn’t cried or thought of him as dead because you don’t just tell someone to move in when they have your boyfriend’s heart. You can tell when someone’s mourning, and you were not mourning. You wouldn’t be open to newcomers, much less the person who has your boyfriend’s heart. Therefore, when you began crying, I wasn’t sure why until you began to hit my chest. That answered it, but I gave into asking you so you would feel comforted. I had Jaehwan check on you because I figured you wouldn’t want to see me. I didn’t think you’d be out and about, but when I got the phone call from Jaehwan saying you were at Hakyeon’s grave, I left him on the phone as I drove over there so he can tell me what you were going through. It was when I was entering the cemetery that you began to talk to his grave. A couple seconds after, you were weeping. Seeing you cry has now been marked as the worst thing to go through. Please don’t cry, hyung. I hate it when you cry. Someone as precious as you deserves so much more than tears coming out of your eyes.”

 

He’s still glaring.

 

Hongbin blinks at him and sighs. “There’s something still bothering you. I don’t know what it is. Tell me.”

 

It takes him three hours to tell him.

 

They’re watching that cartoon when he finds the ease and confidence to do so.

 

“Why are you still here?”

 

Hongbin turns his head as quickly as breaking a thin tree branch. “Excuse me?”

 

Taekwoon realizes what he said and fixes it. “Not as in…that way, as in...why haven’t you left me though you knew why you were initially here?”

 

Hongbin climbs over the couch he sat alone on and moves onto the one Taekwoon is in. He lands on his lap and laughs. “I haven’t left you because your stupid made me fall in love with you. Isn’t that the same reason why you haven’t kicked me out?”

 

Taekwoon gives a light, small smile and lazily kisses Hongbin, tired as hell but awake enough to spend the rest of the night up with the other. “I haven’t kicked you out because I don’t want you complaining to Jaehwan about me. He’s got enough of an opinion on me.”

 

Hongbin’s smile disappears in a second. “Which reminds me….” His voice trails off. “I’m going on a little trip for class.”

 

Taekwoon returns to glaring. If it’s Jaehwan that reminded him of something, he’s screwed.

 

“For a month.”

 

Still glaring.

 

“In Busan.”

 

Taekwoon pushes Hongbin off, causing the other one to laugh.

 

“Hey, you shouldn’t treat me like that!” He playfully laughs.

 

Taekwoon continues to push him off, this time with his feet, to the point where Hongbin completely falls off the couch. It makes Hongbin silent and serious quickly.

 

He’s pissed.

 

Why?

 

Because that month could’ve been so much time to get closer to Hongbin without the mask of Hakyeon on him. He wants to get used to the slow beat of his heart, thumping through his ear and falling asleep to it. He wants to remember its melody and make it something he can hum along to. He needs to get used to the new heart.

 

He needs Hongbin.

 

“...Hyung?” the other whispers.

 

Taekwoon walks to his room.

 

******

 

Regrettably, Taekwoon is helping Hongbin pack.

 

Ever since he told him, Taekwoon hasn’t been the best person to talk to. He scowls. Grimaces. Ungrateful, actually. He’s quite ungrateful though he was grateful a couple days back. Grateful that he was able to open up to his boyfriend and now have some valuable time with him, but no. He’s going on a trip for school to take pictures. Just for pictures.

 

“I’m going sightseeing too, hyung,” Hongbin would argue. “You’re just selfish.”

 

Hongbin’s gone to Busan before. He’s been sightseeing already. Hell, that’s where his best friend lives.

 

Nonetheless, he was definitely selfish. When in a relationship, you let the other do what they want even though you may not agree. You always do that.

 

Taekwoon used to do that under different circumstances, when his boyfriend didn’t have a different heart or something.

 

“What are we waiting for?” Taekwoon asks while waiting with Hongbin in the parking lot of the apartment complex.

 

“Jaehwan,” he replies easily.

 

The other’s eyes widen. Just the sound of his name makes him snatch Hongbin’s luggage away from him. “Why?”

 

Hongbin laughs, attempting to loosen Taekwoon’s grip on the luggage handle. “He’s taking me.”

 

Taekwoon throws the luggage to the other side of him. Hongbin looks at him, utterly surprised at the action.

 

“What’s wro--”

 

“I could’ve taken you. Why does he have to take you?” He gets his car keys out from his pocket. “I’ll take you, Jaehwan’s annoying.”

 

Hongbin clutches Taekwoon’s wrist. “Hyung, he’s going back to Busan to stay with his wife’s parents. They’re staying there the same amount as I am with my school. We won’t be seeing each other. He’s just going to drop me off at my hotel and he’s going to go. The next time we’ll see each other is when he’s driving me back.”

 

He slides his hand down and intertwines his fingers with Taekwoon’s, making him look down at their hands and fear looking back up at Hongbin.

 

“Please try to accept him. He’s my best friend. I understand that you may not like him because of his suspicions, but I can’t simply stop being his friend because of that and nor can I simply stop loving you. Okay? He’s helped me through a lot and has tried to give me the best advice possible. Try to be a little nicer to each other and stop being a jealous son of a .”

 

Taekwoon glares at Hongbin, who laughs and goes to get his bags. The warmth leaves Taekwoon and he sees the light of a car come closer to him. In the driver’s seat, Jaehwan with raggedy, curly hair, and in the passenger’s seat, his wife, with braids resting on each shoulder.

 

“I’ll see you soon, okay?” Hongbin reassures him, giving him a light kiss on the cheek.

 

Taekwoon shakes his head and gives him a full, proper kiss on his mouth. Not enough to keep him going but just the right amount to make him wish he had it again.

 

Hongbin shyly pulls away, trying to ignore the bright lights and honking coming from that stupid car.

 

“Call me, okay?” Taekwoon reminds him. Hongbin gives a light smile and waves goodbye to him. Taekwoon watches him stuff his luggage in the back seat of the car, then enter the vehicle. Ken and his wife wave goodbye to him, too, in which Taekwoon just smiles back at them and turns to enter the facility.

 

Taekwoon hasn’t lived alone in a while.