Venom filled my veins, tainting my vision. Burning bridges had been crossed, bridges I hadn’t set fire to. Worthless words flooded around me, the lies running thin. Why should I listen to the worn out lies, the hollow words? Yet I listened to the drunken ramblings to please them, wishing they would stop calling my name.

Walking into my tutorial, I shifted the weight of the bag on my back. Noise flooded me, my stomach clenching. Panic surged forth, the lack of a familiar face leaving me paralysed. Well, there was one familiar face yet I knew my courage failed me. Hobi sat with a group yet he remained silent, not a trace of exultation on his face.

The same smile that always gave me to confidence to enter the room was gone. Shifting under the stare of the tutorial teacher, I finally shuffled my feet forward. Jamming my thumbs into the aching flesh of my thighs, I tried to remain calm. Tried to maintain my composure.

All we ever do is think about the feelings we hide, and that was going to be what kills me. If Hobi hides the truth of his heart, I cannot seek out my own. I depend on him too much. I need someone who doesn’t know I exist, so much so it’s disgusting and pathetic. I should be able to state my own emotions, not rely on a stranger for happiness. Yet I cannot change this. I was too weak and I don’t want to be saved.

I ditched my heart to kick a habit years ago. Years ago I learnt that I cannot run from what has been said and done, that I was living in the shadow of someone else. I was born to be castaway. It only made sense that my happiness could only be found in another, so I need Hoseok to smile.

Taking a seat, I looked up at the teacher. The tutorial still had two minutes until it is supposed to start. Looking at Hobi in my peripheral vision, I wanted to make him smile. I needed to make him smile. Despite my intense want to see his smile, I was still a coward. Speaking to him was not an option, so instead I decided to write another letter.

I will write him a letter every day until I see his smile. When that expression is back, I can leave him alone. I can leave him to his own life. But until then, he should expect a letter.

Opening my book to a blank page, ready to write, I heard the door burst open. Looking up with a smirk, I saw Jimin standing breathless at the door. His scowl was prominent as he stormed towards me.

“You are a major . Some best friend.” He chatisised, ignore the looks.

Ignoring the blank gaze Hobi gave us.

Jimin dropped onto the seat beside me, elbowing me in the process. Laughing at his antics, the tutorial teacher was also smiling slightly. Risking a glance at Hobi, my heart skipped a beat.

He was looking this way. Hobi noticed me.

“Earth to Taehyung.” Jimin cooed loudly, dragging me back.

“Huh, what do you want?”

“You left me behind.” Jimin pouted and I swatted his arm.

“Yeah, but you still love me.” I teased, making sure not to look at Hobi.

I will give Hobi the letter before the tutorial ends. I just hope he doesn’t catch me.

Jimin leaned in close, his face mere centimetres away from my own, his gaze blank. Laughing nervously, I knew what he was looking at. My heart lurched an extra beat, my limbs trembling.

“Can I borrow your lip balm again?”

///////////////////////////

Hoseok’s P.O.V

Observing two boys, I found myself curious as to who they were. The loud laughter at the sight of one another, drifting to a sombre atmosphere. Who were they?

Their close relationship was something I craved, something I desperately wanted. My own didn’t notice my mental absence, still continuing on with their life. Those two had more. I can imagine there days spent in each other’s company, happy to just be together.

Looking up at the teacher, he had noticed my stare, his sympathetic smile reaching me. It was when he started walking towards me that I started to panic. Should I have tried to hide my gaze? Dropping my eyes, the teacher crouched down.

“Hoseok, you should talk to them. They might be good for you.” The teacher said, his voice low.

“Maybe.” I said truthfully, turning quickly towards them once again.

They were close. Incredibly close. One handed the other lip balm, and my confidence ebbed away.

“Just, not today.” I told the teacher and he smiled.

He stood straight and began the tutorial walking back to the front of the classroom.

I couldn’t get between what those two had. That close bond would shut me out. So instead I focused on the lesson. Instead I tried to retain as much knowledge as I could. But my eyes wandered when one of the two boys stood up and walked past my group desk. Watching with longing as he left the room, I was curious as to where he had vanished to.

Only the lonely know me. It is so easy to hate, so hard to dream. A victim to the sickness in my mind, I didn’t deserve a close relationship with anyone.

Scribbling more notes, someone shifted into the seat beside me. Looking up, I was meet with half-moon eyes and an extended hand. It was the late boy.

“Hello, my name is Jimin.” He introduced himself, my mind growing hazy.

He was welcoming me?

“Ah, Hoseok.” I lamely stated, shifting awkwardly in my seat. “Who is your friend?”

Well that was a train wreck. Meeting someone and instantly asking about their friend was plain rude. Why would I do that?

Instead, Jimin laughed.

“That is Taehyung. He decided to buy his own lip balm because he used all of mine.”

“Right now?” I asked, my voice raising slightly.

“Yeah, he said it was important that he gets it now. Well, TaeTae should be back soon. See you around.” Jimin smiled before standing.

Watching him go to his seat, I couldn’t find it in myself to answer the question the teacher gave the whole class. How could I? Someone spoke to me. The short conversation without any substance was the best I had had all day.

Tearing my eyes from Jimin, the door opened. Taehyung entered, his smile visible from this distance. Keeping my eyes on him as he walked by, my mind halted at the sight of his face for two reasons.

Firstly, he was attractive. Really attractive. Secondly, a bruise was forming along his jaw line and his lip was split. Despite the blemishes, anyone could see he was stunning. Trying not to openly stare, I watched him smile and laugh as he approached Jimin. I wished someone could laugh truthfully with me. It must be funnier from where he is standing, life must be easier. How much pressure weighs upon him to succeed?

I’d be less angry if this course was my decision. I would be freer if I had enough money. Life was never easy. Nothing was working in my favour. People like me have been drained of the need to smile. Hollow chest led to empty laughter. Eventually that dies out.

Now I honestly couldn’t focus, so instead I went back into my memories. I did so until the tutorial ended. Sighing, I reached for my bag only to find another note.

So the mysterious V was in this very tutorial?

Hastily reaching for it, I glanced around. Jimin and Taehyung sat bickering whilst everyone left the room. Curiosity ate at me, and all I wanted was to read that someone cared, so I opened the note.

Dear Hobi,

Are you insane like me? Have you been in pain like me? Do people whisper about you like me? Do they talk about how you shouldn’t waste your pretty face like me?

I desperately wanted to talk to you today, but I couldn’t. Your sadness becomes mine, and I just want you to smile. I just want to make it clear how desperately I want you, but I cannot voice the words. So I will write instead.

Smile, please. Do you remember the day you were assisting at the lecture and started dancing? Everyone was enthralled, entertaining by your whimsical nature but I was drawn to your happiness. That was the day I fell for you. You could have done anything, you could have just sat there. It was your smile that shone so pure.

What can I do to take you back? I will do anything.

From V.

Smiling broadly at the memory, I was surprised someone noticed the sheer joy of that moment. I was surprised my own happiness had influenced another. Folding the note carefully, I grabbed my belongings quickly. I thought no one saw how I was falling apart, but I was wrong. Only someone who cared could have noticed. That simply meant one thing.

Someone does care.