Hunting hawks did not belong in cages, no matter how much a man coveted their grace, no matter how golden the bars. They were far more beautiful soaring free. Heartbreakingly beautiful.- Lois McMaster Bujold
Myungsoo's eyes fluttered open. For some reason, he felt cold. He rolled over, reaching out to lay his arm over Sungjong- only to find empty sheets. Myungsoo frowned and sat up. The sheets were cool, as if no one had laid there for a while.
"Jongie?" Myungsoo called, frowning. There was no answer. A piece of paper was on the table. Myungsoo reached out and grabbed it. On it, in Sungjong's neat print, was Myungsoo's name. Myungsoo felt his heart drop into his stomach. With a shaking hand, he opened the letter and scanned the page.
While reading, he felt his eyes start to well with tears. The more he read, the more his hands shook, and the more his eyes swam.
After he finished, he set the note aside and took a shuddering breath. Had he suffocated Sungjong that much? As much as the letter had said it wasn't his fault, he felt as though he should have never confessed to Sungjong. If he had kept his mouth shut, then Sungjong would never have been so suffocated and maybe they could have both been happy.
The letter hurt. Every word had been another stab knife to his heart. He wondered how long Sungjong had felt like this. How quickly it took for Sungjong to realize that he didn't love Myungsoo. Sungjong had always been a free spirit, and Myungsoo didn't blame him for resenting being tied down. The other people Sungjong had dated had been different.
He remembered Sungjong's first boyfriend, Lee Howon. Howon had been a nice guy, and Myungsoo had liked him just fine. But when Sungjong had told Myungsoo that Howon confessed he liked him, Myungsoo had felt a burning feeling. He had smiled and congratulated Sungjong. The only reason he could keep himself from hurting Howon was the sweet happy smile that had been etched on Sungjong's face. He had been so excited, saying that he really loved Howon and that it would last forever.
He had promised himself then, to never ever get in the way of any of Sungjong's relationships. To keep his feelings to himself. He'd rather slowly burn, loving Sungjong and not being loved back, then hurt Sungjong. If Sungjong was happy, then he could be happy. Even if Sungjong wasn't his, he'd be alright.
But then he and Howon had broken up. Sungjong had cried for hours, blaming himself for the fight and swearing that he'd never fall in love again. Swearing that he would never be so stupid. And never, more than in that moment, had Myungsoo wanted to kill someone the way he had wanted to kill Howon. Deep down, he knew it wasn't just Howon's fault, but there was nothing he hated more than Sungjong crying.
He wondered, if he had confessed to Sungjong before Howon, then could he have maybe been loved? If he hadn't been a coward, would it have been different? He had been such a fool. A fool with a heart of gold, just hoping that Sungjong would realize he loved him.
Then there had been other men. Sunggyu, Woohyun, Dongwoo, and more. Nothing had lasted, there had been no real love in any of those. Everything in Myungsoo's life had been for Sungjong. His heart just couldn't stop beating whenever Sungjong was there. He followed Sungjong like he was a puppy. And although he had never been the one for Sungjong, damn had he tried. His heart only knew Sungjong. He had never loved anyone else. The times they spent together, the damn love that had hurt him for so long.
He had been selfish. He was greedy, trying to show Sungjong all his love and had tried to keep Sungjong all to himself. He hated himself for being like this, for this clinging obsession. He hated it, so, so much. All he wanted was Sungjong. All he wanted was to love him and hold him and to cherish him. But Sungjong hadn't been ready. And dammit, Myungsoo had known that.
He felt as though he had just dived off a cliff into a freezing, icy ocean. The past was everything to him, and he hadn't even bothered to look to the future. He was selfish and he hadn't realized how much he had hurt the boy he had only wanted to love. He felt like this had only been building, but he had been too blind to see it. They had come to a crash, and Myungsoo should have known it would end this way. Time had only been ticking for them. Myungsoo had wanted to break Sungjong's walls, and he had. He had set them aflame and watched them burn to the ground. But he had failed to see Sungjong burning within them. He had been so scared of loving that Myungsoo had become his worst nightmare. He had drowned himself in Sungjong and had forgotten to come up for breath.
Sungjong must have felt as though he had been walking on broken glass, which were the shards of Myungsoo's heart. There was nothing else to say, no more amends to make. The glass had cut Sungjong's feet and made him bleed and Myungsoo had lost any common sense he'd ever had as soon as he had given Sungjong his heart. He knew he couldn't call Sungjong, or try to stop him. If he pushed Sungjong to stay, then Sungjong would pull him in and he'd fall again, into Sungjong's arms and Sungjong wouldn't have the strength to hold him, and the two would fall, off the earth and into an abyss, a deep chasm that Myungsoo had unknowingly created.
Sungjong was part of Myungsoo. A piece of him he wished he didn't need, a piece he could give up without dying. He was Myungsoo's heart, his mind. Without him, Myungsoo didn't know what to do. He had chased after Sungjong for years, trying to hold onto something that was destined for freedom. It was like trying to hold a butterfly, keeping something beautiful and lovely trapped. He didn't know why he tried so hard to keep Sungjong to himself. If they were destined for tragedy, then why was Sungjong the only thing that kept him from sadness? If their love had never meant to work, and the idea of them having a future together was insanity, then why could Myungsoo see the world clearly, only with Sungjong? Why was his clarity, his ground, his sky, everything that mattered to him, the only thing that he couldn't hold on to?
Why?
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