I'm sorry
To Love A Broken ManThe only thing sadder than unrequited love is being in a relationship where there is unrequited love. - Shannon L. Alder
Sungjong sighed and his side, drumming on the mattress. Next to him, he could hear Myungsoo's soft breathing. In and out, in and out, in and out. It was a sound that was once so comforting to Sungjong, a sound that put him at ease and made him feel safe. But now it set him on edge. A sick feeling that swallowed him whole. A voice whispering in his ear, telling him that the end was near.
Myungsoo was a constant for Sungjong. They had grown up side by side. They'd made friends together and lost them. Myungsoo had held Sungjong as he cried, after his parents had yelled at him for coming out. Myungsoo had been the one who had consoled him after his first breakup. He was the one who had rubbed Sungjong's back the first night he got drunk and threw up in the bathroom. Myungsoo had been the one who listened to him when he had admitted he was scared of love.
Myungsoo was also the boy who Sungjong had opened his heart to, and let him in. Or maybe he had already been there. But Sungjong had felt so vulnerable around Myungsoo. He was the only person Sungjong couldn't lie to, or fake a smile and get away with it. Myungsoo knew Sungjong's darkest secrets and that scared Sungjong more than anything else.
And he had promised Myungsoo that he loved him. Myungsoo, the only boy who Sungjong could ever bring himself to truly love. Everyone else- of course he'd liked those other boys. But no one could ever make him breathless the way Myungsoo did. No one could render him speechless with just a smile and, oh god, Myungsoo's smile was the most beautiful thing that Sungjong had ever seen.
Oh dear Lord, Sungjong didn't want to hurt that beautiful boy. He didn't want to see that smile fade, or the light in his eyes die. He didn't want to break their promise of forever. But it was suffocating. He didn't know how to love. He didn't know how to keep this promise of forever when he was having these thoughts. Myungsoo was his best friend, his lover. But Sungjong wasn't sure that he could handle it.
Lover
The intimacy of the word made him shiver. Was it right to leave Myungsoo like this, still in love with him, and still hanging onto him the way he had for years and years? Or was it better to stay with him and live a lie? Which was right? Which was wrong? Sungjong didn't know, and all he wanted was to know how to say that he couldn't do this.
Myungsoo had given him so much. He'd invested everything in Sungjong. Everyone knew it, even Sungjong. Myungsoo was playing Russian Roulette with love and Sungjong was the gun. And now it felt like Myungsoo had put too much trust. Sungjong wasn't ready for this, for so much love. Myungsoo had given Sungjong so much more than he could ever return, and yet Myungsoo deserved it all, and more. Sungjong didn't know what to say, what to do. He had to live without Myungsoo, even if just for a bit. But he had no idea if Myungsoo could live without him. There was nothing Sungjong could give to Myungsoo, for he'd already given everything. He couldn't even give his love, because he didn't know if he even had any in him. And Myungsoo deserves more.
In the end, Sungjong felt like he was too close, too close to the edge. Like he was dangling off the edge of a cliff and the only thing holding him was a single thread. And he desperately wanted to stay on the thread. He couldn't let go. If he did, he'd fall deep into Myungsoo and could never get back. And that was a chance that he couldn't take yet.
He sat up and opened the drawer, pulling out a piece of paper and a pencil. His hand shaking, he started scrawling out a note to the man who slept next to him.
Myungsoo,
I'm just going to start out blunt. I am so, so sorry. For everything. I acted as though I could have everything, though I know I can't have it all. And I wouldn't deserve it either way.
I'm just scared. Of falling. Of being in love. I know I played with your heart, and I wish I hadn't. I could have and should have treated you better. You're so easy to love. Maybe that's why I started loving you. It wasn't easy with other people, but you've always been there and I already knew what I was getting myself into. Well, I thought I did. I was in over my head. I lead you on, and it wasn't fair to you. It wasn't right, and I knew it from the very beginning.
But, you made everything so difficult. Everyone else, it was so easy to move past them, but you held me back and I was too scared. , that sounded horrible. You didn't hold me back in a bad way. I just wasn't ready to not know how to move on. And everything seemed to be right, we were happy and I could smile and laugh, and I had never seen your eyes brighter. But it was all wrong. I felt like I was suffocating. I couldn't breath around you and I didn't know what to do. I've had a fair share of men who cared about me, but none as much as you. I'm so horrible, for doing this to you. I can't even tell you goodbye to your face, because I'm a coward. I tried, I tried to love you the way you deserve, but I couldn't.
And I should have warned you, that if you loved me, and you stayed with me, I would ruin you. You mean everything to me. But I can't handle that. I just can't love you the way you deserve.
It doesn't feel right, planning on moving forward while you're still stuck here. It's not fair is it, for me to do this to you. I didn't want to keep secrets from you, but I didn't know how to give you the love you deserve.
I don't want to ruin you. I never want to see your eyes darken or see your smile drop. God, you need someone better than me. I'm a ruin, a mess, and I can't keep lying to you. I don't want to say goodbye to you. But I don't want to lie to you. So here I am, confessing my sins in a letter, like the coward I am.
So please Myungsoo, forget me. Don't love me. Hate me, forget me, get over me. Because you deserve that so much. You gave me everything and I couldn't even love you enough to stay. I can't look you in the eye, because you're so much better. I don't deserve you, and I never did. And you don't deserve the hell I have put you through. I'm sorry you loved a broken person. Please be happy. At least try. You deserve that.
I'm so sorry.
Sungjong
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