You've read the books

You've watched the shows

What's the best way no one knows

Meditate, get hypnotized

Anything to take it from your mind

But it won't go

Tonight Seungkwan gently lays the book down and heaves a sigh. Surrounding his bed are piles of hard bounds, paperbacks, newspapers, magazines, all of those reading materials having one thing in common: articles about self help and moving on. How many articles he has read, it was all redundant.

Delete his number? Check!
 

Burn all the letters? Check!

Clear all messages? Check!

Erase all trace of evidence? Check!

Except, he memorizes his number still, remembers every content and promise in all the letters, his favorite emoticons, the random good morning messages, the memory of his smile, his laugh, his voice. Everything. Physical evidence, he can forget, but not what’s in his mind.

And so before he sleeps, Seungkwan turns on the television, continuing the rerun of a melodrama he’s watched for three times already. And when he realizes it’s all pointless, he just lies down, closes his eyes, and let the teardrops lull him to sleep.

You hit the drink, you take a toke

Watch the past go up in smoke

Fake a smile, yeah, lie and say that

You're better now than ever, and your life's okay

Well it's not, no

Tonight Hansol stumbles in his apartment, back laid on a pile of unkempt clothes, both clean and not, along with a stack of newspapers, bills, empty beer cans, and the air smells of cigarette from eight hours ago.  And his clothes carry the reek of sweat, smoke, weed, and vodka.

For the past two weeks he has come home like this, sometimes even bringing home a different woman for one night stands. However when the neighborhood falls quiet, the dogs stop to bark, the crickets decide to rest, he closes his eyes and wonders what he has been doing all his life.

He thinks of all the ‘glad to see you back here, man’s and ‘come on, enjoy your youth’s, how blissful the promise those statements hold, and how he’s not the least bit happy when he closes his eyes.

And tonight Hansol closes his eyes and falls asleep to the image of a smiling face, a vivacious laugh, girl group dances, an angelic voice, and the hopes that someday he’d be free of this nightmare to have that person in his arms again.

You tell your friends, yeah, strangers too

Anyone who'll throw an arm around you

“Get over it man, he was totally holding you back.” A chorus of agreement followed suit as Hansol was shooting hoops at the school basketball court. He wanted to say something, telling them that Boo Seungkwan has brought out the best of him, but all he does is shoot the ball, flash all of them a fake smile, and tell them that they’re right. Maybe that way, they’d stop talking about it and give him the peace of mind he’s longed for since the first day of their breakup.

Tarot cards, gems and stones

Believing all that 's gonna heal your soul

“Capricorn and Aquarius, definitely not a good match.” Seungkwan can hear Seokmin’s small mumble beside him but he pretends not to hear the older. “Yeah, should we hook him up with a Scorpio? That foreign exchange student seems harmless and cute.” Soonyoung soon replied, and the two said men exchanged high fives. “So how about it, is Friday 7PM okay?” And without realizing it, Seungkwan just agreed to probably the seventh and probably still futile blind date. But maybe, just like all the other maybes, this could be the one to help him get over Chwe Hansol.

You're only doing things out of desperation

You're goin' through six degrees of separation

First, you think the worst is a broken heart

What's gonna kill you is the second part

And the third, is when your world splits down the middle

And Friday night came when Seungkwan and Minghao were sitting across each other at a local fast food near their university. The latter was sincere, nice, gentle, and had a cute accent while speaking. For the first time after all his friend’s attempts, maybe another shot at relationships isn’t so futile after all. Maybe this guy before him would be enough to fix up his brokenness, bring him back to being the loud and funny Boo Seungkwan of before.

Maybe Minghao will be the rain in his droughted heart.

And fourth, you're gonna think that you fixed yourself

Fifth, you see them out with someone else

And the sixth is when you admit you may have ed up a little

And Friday night is when Hansol decides to grab a bite at the fastfood nearest to his friend’s place before he drowns himself in another night of music, dancing, weed, and booze. Tonight, however, he thinks twice and would probably just head home and make an excuse that he’s not feeling well.

And suddenly, the excuse just came true. On the corner of his eyes he saw the love of his life at a distant table, being his usual chatty self while wearing the brightest smile the world could ever witness. Suddenly his insides started to churn and he lost his appetite, but he still places the order, pays for the food, walks away, and jogs home to choke on his tears and guilt.

No there's no starting over

Without finding closure

You'd take them back, no hesitation

That's when you know you've reached the sixth degree of separation

And at that night, when Seungkwan was back in his room, his phone rings. He picked it up and it was all quiet until he hears a voice on the other line, no coherent words, but more like choked sobs and mumbles that he couldn’t quite make out. The line went quiet again before the caller spoke, and this time Seungkwan clearly understands.

‘I miss you. I want you here. I’m stupid. I love you.’

Seungkwan doesn’t say anything during the pause, and Hansol spoke again.

‘I was wrong to ignore your phone calls. I’m sorry for yelling at you when all you did was care. I’m sorry for kissing someone else and telling my friends you were annoying. I didn’t mean to cancel our plans and hang out with my friends instead. I didn’t mean to miss your birthday. I was a bad boyfriend. Please give me another chance.’

No, no, there ain't no help

It's every man for himself

The call suddenly ended before Seungkwan could respond. But what else would he say? That he’s willing to take Hansol back? He’s willing to have his heart hurt once more? Seungkwan’s sure that he’s not ready for that yet. He’s not ready for anything. He needs more time to move on and let go. He also needs Hansol to let him go. He wants Hansol to know that the process of moving on needs them to learn to stand on their own two feet.

And so tonight he looks through the medical cabinet, takes out a bottle of the depressants he’s been recommended for the past two months, and pops one in his hand. He thinks to himself that maybe tomorrow he’d wake up to find out he’s fine and happy, that all of this is a nightmare.

He thinks he needs the extra kick to sleep peacefully tonight.

But he knows tomorrow it’s going to be the same.

You're only doing things out of desperation

You're going through six degrees of separation