Chapter 5

The promotions for HYYH pt.2 started full swing and no one had time to think about anything much other than where we were supposed to be in the next 30 minutes, so I soon forgot about the whole incident. Even as staff, during album promos, we didn’t get any time off, and our work hours were only slightly shorter than the boys’. Their managers had it worse though. They had to be up from dawn to the wee hours of the morning every single day. At least I got to see my bed for more than 3 hours each night. Maybe that’s why nobody really noticed how badly Hoseok was doing.

Honestly, I wouldn’t have noticed it either if I hadn’t happened to spot him on my way home one night, sitting at one of those little outdoor tent-restaurants, drinking alone over a plate of cheap bulgogi.

I think it’s a testament to how much time I spend with those boys that I managed to recognize him, even though he wore a cap on his head, bent down to hide his eyes, a dark non-descript coat and a big black scarf, wrapped up in several loops around his neck, shielding nearly all of the visible half of his face. There was just something in the way that his skinny shoulders poked at the back of his dark windbreaker, and the way that he held his tiny soju cup, sloshing its contents around without drinking them, that screamed “Hoseok” to me.

I walked over and sat in the seat in front of him. When he didn’t look up to acknowledge me, I said “Hoseok-ah” very quietly, “What are you doing here?”

He looked up at me then, and I could tell by the glassy look in his eyes and his reddened cheeks that he was pretty far along into his drink.

“Nari noona!” he said, looking up, and his face split into a drunken smile, but then it was gone in a second, replaced by an expression of deep sadness. He took a swig of his drink, knocking the whole thing back, and poured himself another one, and then filled up another cup for me.

“Let’s drink” he said, handing me the glass, and though I took it from him, I put it right back down on the table in front of me.

“Hoseok you have to be up again in less than 4 hours, and dance all day… why the heck are you sitting here drinking? Alone?” I asked him.

“My life .” he said, knocking his shot back and pouring out another. I didn’t know if that reply was in answer to my question, or just a random comment. But I didn’t get to ask him since he smacked the glass in front of me again, tapping it repeatedly on the table and ordering, “Drink!”

I looked at him, his eyes so focused for a moment, and reluctantly grabbed the glass, taking a little sip before putting it back down. He tilted his head and looked at me flatly as if to say that wasn’t good enough. I sighed and downed the whole thing. He cheered, clapping his hands excitedly, like a child, and poured another one.

“Hobi…” I started.

“Noona…” he said, interrupting me, eyes down on his drink as he held it in his hands, “How did I become like this?”

I sighed sadly, not knowing how to answer.

“I should be happy, right? The most beautiful moment in life...” he asked, though I could tell it was a rhetorical question. Then he sighed and stated, “but I’m miserable.” and put the cup back down.

“I can see that…” I whispered, more to myself than to him.

He said nothing.

“The way you’ve been living… it’s not healthy...”

“I know…” he said quietly.

There was a long pause and I took a sip of my drink, if only so I’d have something to do. He sat back in his chair, shoulders hunched, and his cap hung so low on his face I couldn’t even see his eyes, but I suspected he was crying. I felt my heart break for this poor boy that I’d seen grow from a bratty teenager, into a hardened young man, and I ventured into a territory that was none of my business, hoping that his current inebriated disposition would make him more receptive to my words.

“This lifestyle of yours… it needs to stop. Sleeping around with so many girls… do you even get anything out of it?? I get that it was some sort of defense mechanism to get over Ra-ae, but did you even properly get over her?? You just shoved all the feelings away… And then you just became this whole other person, like this horrible creature. You used to be a good boy… honestly… what happened?”

“You think I’m horrible?” he asked, so pitifully, having somehow grabbed onto that one word that I’d thrown around without even thinking. My heart broke a little more.

“No…” I said, putting a hand over his on the table, “I know who you are; but so many people don’t. You put up this front for everyone. To the fans you’re their “hope and angel”, to the people who work with you, you’re this cool boy who’s too aloof to give a , and to women, you play the attractive badboy. Why do you do that? Why can’t you just be Hoseok? He’s a nice guy….”

He looked up at me and smiled sadly.

“Noona, you’re the only girl I can ever be this open with.” he told me, after a long pause.

I smiled – a real smile – filled with warmth at his comment.

“Why are you like that?” he asked me, as if it was a question I could answer.

“Cuz I’m just cool like that.” I replied, trying to crack a joke.

But I was the only one laughing. He just looked at me seriously and said, “You really are.”

Something in the way he said it made my heart pause, but only for an instant. His cheeks were red, his eyes slightly glazed over; I knew he was totally drunk. Yet I knew he meant it too, and that didn’t leave me indifferent. When had this little brat I used to babysit turned into an actual man? An actual, attractive man? Or had he just been one all this time and I was simply late to the party?

I smiled and shook my head, looking away.

“Alright, I think that’s enough heartfelt drunkenness for one night,” I said, raising from my seat, “Up you go,” I added, walking over to him and pulling him up by one arm.

“Woah…” he wobbled a little as I pulled him up, and had to hold on to me for balance.

After that, he refused to let go of my arm, so we walked off in the direction of his dorm like that, after having settled the bill with the ajumma.

I brought him back to his building and was gonna let him off there but he whined at me, “To the door, to the door! Bang PD said to the door!” and pointed up, in the direction of his apartment high up in the tall building.

“You’re not under house-arrest anymore.” I chuckled.

“To the door!” he shouted, pointing his finger towards the heavens and I had to shush him, afraid he would wake the entire neighborhood.

“Ok, ok, just shut up…”

The guard let us through without a word – he was used to me by now – and we took the elevator up to his floor, where I walked him right up to the front door.

“Here’s the door.” I said as we reached our goal, though I think he missed my sarcasm.

“Right.” he nodded to himself, looking at it but making no move to open it.

I sighed, rolled my eyes, punched in the keycode and pushed it inwards. Hoseok put a hand on the door, both to keep in open and to steady himself, then he turned to me and looked at me with a steadier look than I would’ve thought possible, given his current state.

“Thank you.” he said, sincerely.

I smiled, a little taken aback by his comment, and he took a step inside. I was about to turn around and leave when he turned back and added, “Oh and noona….” he paused, leaning a little closer to my face and dropping his voice down a notch, “You’re pretty.”

I stared at him, dumfounded as he grinned stupidly, and walked inside shutting the door on my face.