Anthurium

 

 

Jeonghan stepped inside the van, folding the middle seats forward so Jihoon could slip in behind him and take a seat in the empty corner of the backseat. It was obviously an idol van; black with tinted windows, the fabric seats worn and used, and empty containers and trash in bags on the floor. The long haired male squeezed in beside him, resolutely ignoring the weight of his bandmates gazes on his back. He knew they were curious but this was not the time for discussion.

After entering the car Jihoon seemed to deflate and close in on himself, his previous defiant attitude fading away to be replaced by a timid shell of himself. He curled up in on himself in the corner of the car, knees up and chin tucked to his chest. His face was turned toward the window and Jeonghan could see a dark cloud hanging over him in the reflection of the window. The fire was gone and Jihoon seemed to look even tinier than he was.

Jeonghan caught Soonyoung staring at him through the rear view mirror but once the occupants were buckled in, he the engine and began pulling out. That was what Jeonghan liked about him. He knew the younger was curious, but Soonyoung was intuitive and knew when to trust him.

Bitterly, Jeonghan thought Soonyoung probably would have made a better leader than him.

“Were you smoking?” Seungkwan, their youngest member and just a third year high schooler, asked bluntly, breaking the silence and looking thoroughly disgusted. He waved his hand around to dissipate the rough smell of smoke as Seokmin rolled down the windows to air out the van. Jeonghan didn’t smoke often but when he did none of the other members were ever happy about it.

“No smoking in the dorms,” Soonyoung murmured absentmindedly, pulling a tight corner and tearing down the street.

“Smoking’s very bad for your health Jeonghan,” Seokmin reported as a matter of fact, “It could ruin your voice.”

Jeonghan visibly flinched, nails digging into his skin. Jihoon looked up.

“By the way, who’s that? Are we dropping him off somewhere?” Seungkwan asked, leaning around the seat to get a closer look at their passenger. At the sudden attention, Jihoon turned back to the window, curling tighter into Jeonghan’s jacket with his long bangs falling into his eyes.

“Yeah, who is he?” Seokmin quipped curiously. The two were quite harmless but they looked like wolves circling their prey in this light.

“Let’s keep quiet until we get back to the dorm,” Soonyoung said. It wasn’t a suggestion. Even as the most easygoing of the three older members, Jeonghan could tell from his rigid shoulders and his tight grip on the steering wheel that he was tense. Jeonghan felt a wave of guilt hit him. Once again, Soonyoung was cleaning up after him. If the group got caught outside of the dorm at this time of night it would be because of him.

“Hey, why should I be quiet-”

Jeonghan hadn’t realized Wonwoo was awake. The younger male had turned around in the passenger seat and shoved his hand over their youngest member’s mouth, effectively cutting off his chatter. “Seungkwan, be quiet. Some of us are trying to sleep.” He snapped gruffly.

Seungkwan pouted but finally seemed to realize the atmosphere. He quieted down, slinking into his seat and pulling out his phone to distract himself. Jeonghan caught the unnerving stare that Wonwoo directed at him before turning around in his seat, pulling his hat back over his eyes.

Soonyoung broke the silence by turning on the stereo. Obnoxious dubstep filled the van and although the pounding base gave him a headache, it distracted Jeonghan from his own thoughts. He knew the kids had a right to be curious, but Jeonghan had his own secrets to protect. Telling them would just make them worry, there wasn’t anything they could do for him anyway.

Sick of drowning in his own thoughts, Jeonghan curled into the seat and closed his eyes, letting the thrum of music fill his veins. He wouldn’t be able to sleep but maybe he could find solace in his own mind with the one thing he had left.

They arrived back at the dorms quickly since the roads were empty and Soonyoung drove like a maniac. Once they had parked the van carefully it had become a secret mission to sneak back into the dorm without their manager knowing. The small group quickly alighted the stairs with practiced ease and entered the dorm before anyone was any wiser.

“I managed to trick Manager Do, but just make sure you’re here in the morning,” Soonyoung reported to Jeonghan with a mischievous grin. Sometimes Jeonghan thought the younger boy enjoyed the thrill.

A small thankful grin was all Jeonghan could return before he turned toward their unexpected guest. Seokmin and Seungkwan were loitering around, trying to take a good look at Jihoon who stood awkwardly in the middle of the living room, tapping his foot against the floor.

“Come on.” On a whim, Jeonghan grabbed Jihoon by the wrist and pulled him toward his own room. The other four had paired up which left their leader with his own room. Jihoon let out a small hiss at being grabbed but otherwise followed quietly.

Jeonghan’s bedroom was grand. It was the largest, with a glass window spanning across one wall and pale gray walls. New, almost untouched furniture filled the room; a leather couch and TV on one side, and a king sized bed on the other. The only part of the room that looked lived in was the far corner, where an electric keyboard, bass guitar and a computer were placed. Scribbled on pieces of sheet music were thrown around on the floor, along with half opened fan gifts and empty cans of beer.

Jeonghan walked immediately to the closet, pulling out blankets and some extra pillows. “You take the bed,” he said, laying out the blankets on the rug.

Jihoon shot him a look. When it was just the two of them Jihoon didn’t seem to hide as much. He cocked an eyebrow. “I’m not the one with cancer.”

Jeonghan glared at him, glancing at the door. The kids didn’t know and he didn’t want them to. He had half a mind to just agree, but no matter how much of a brat Jihoon was being he wouldn’t relent. “Just do it.” He pulled some old clothes from a drawer and threw them at the shorter boy. “Change and go to bed. I’m going to grab something to drink.”

Ignoring Jihoon’s irate response, Jeonghan left the room and closed the door behind him. Unsurprisingly, Soonyoung was sitting at the kitchen table with Wonwoo slouched across from him. Thankfully the kids were asleep. Soonyoung motioned for Jeonghan to sit down and once he was comfortable he pushed a cup of warm tea in his direction.

“So, where were you?” Soonyoung asked, calm and nonjudgmental as always. Wonwoo was, as usual, deceptively quiet.

“Just out,” Jeonghan responded. The three of them may be the older members, but he was their senior by three years. They were still kids in his eyes and they didn’t need to be burdened by what was going on in Jeonghan’s life.

Soonyoung’s gaze only showed disappointment. “Jeonghan, I know you’re having a hard time lately, but we can’t help if you don't tell us what’s going on.”

“Nothing’s going on.” The lie was so comfortable on his tongue that he barely realized it was anything but the truth.

But Soonyoung didn’t look like he believed him. Sometimes Jeonghan wished he would just believe the lies like everyone else did. “I know management has been pressuring you into writing the new album, but you need to take care of yourself.The group will get through this,” he urged, attempting a comforting smile. He leaned forward and made to grab Jeonghan by the hand. “Listen, Jeonghan, I know you haven’t been sleeping-”

Jeonghan ripped his hands out of Soonyoung’s grasp and stood up, nearly throwing the chair backwards. “I’m fine Soonyoung! God, stop acting like you know everything and stay out of my life!”

The table went quiet. His hands were shaking and he could hear the blood rushing through his veins. They didn’t know anything.

Wonwoo stood as well, his chair scraping against the floor. There was a vein of disgust in his gaze. “Give it up, Soon. He obviously doesn’t want our help so why do we even try.” His tone was cold, as it always was in regards with Jeonghan. The two had never been close, and there was always a vast distance between them that Jeonghan had grown too tired to breach.

Jeonghan stared at the light fixture so he didn’t have to look at the disappointment in Soonyoung’s gaze. “Are we done?” He snapped, clutching his shirt to stop his hands from shaking.

“Who is that boy?”

Jeonghan bit his lip.

“... Jeonghan. I’m doing this for the team. If he’s going to be staying here I need to know.”

“He’s just a high school kid,” Jeonghan snapped defensively. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of him.”

Soonyoung merely sighed, standing up himself. He reached out and placed a warm hand on Jeonghan’s shoulder. He flinched. “You know we just want to help.”

Jeonghan turned away, out of his grasp. “I don’t need your help.”

Jeonghan had to resist slamming the door to his room. Instead, he closed his eyes and slid down the door, rubbing his eyes and cursing himself. God damn, he had let his emotions get ahold of him again. What was he becoming.

“You okay?”

Jeonghan looked up. Jihoon was sitting cross legged on his bed. He had changed into Jeonghan’s old clothes that dwarfed his size. Exhaustion was weighing him down, the days events catching up to him and showing in his gaze.

Jeonghan avoided his eyes, instead turning to shut the door and lock it. For some reason, Jeonghan could tell Jihoon was able to read him better than anyone else he had ever met. It was almost dangerous. “I’m fine. Go to bed.”

Jihoon visibly rolled his eyes. “You know, I’m sure if you told your band mates that you’re going to die they wouldn’t hate you. Hell, they may even be supportive,” he said, bluntly sarcastic and unforgiving.

Jeonghan merely shot him a glare. “You don’t know anything,” he snapped, repeating what had been haunting him all day.

Jihoon, for as small as he was, didn’t back down. “I do know that keeping your illness a secret isn’t protecting anyone.”

The words left his tongue before he could control himself. “What about you then, huh?” Jeonghan growled accusingly. “You’re the one running away from someone who loves you.”

Jihoon’s gaze was murderous. He was on his feet within seconds, fists clenched at his sides and body nearly shaking from anger. “I don’t know why I even came here. Two ed up strangers together isn’t better than one,” he hissed. He looked away, “And I’m not the only one running.”

But before he could shove past Jeonghan the older man caught him by the wrist. He didn’t look at him.

“... It’s late. Stay the night.”

Silence stretched between them. After a moment Jeonghan let his hand slip from his fingers, slowly walking over to his makeshift bed and lying down. There was a tense moment before the lights shut off and Jihoon padded back into the room and climbed into bed.

Jeonghan pulled the covers over his head already knowing he wouldn’t sleep.

“Goodnight Jihoon.”

“... Goodnight Jeonghan.”

Jeonghan awake to a sharp pain in his chest that rendered him unable to breathe. He shot up, clutching at his throat as horrible coughs wracked his body and stars danced across his eyes. He hadn’t even known he had fallen asleep, but the soft sounds of Jihoon’s breathing had lured him into dreamland.

The sound of the bed creaked and suddenly someone was beside him, handing him a cold cup of water and soothingly rubbing his back. Jeonghan downed it, trying to keep the bile from coming up his throat. The comforting hand moved to his head and hesitantly began to his hair.

Jeonghan closed his eyes, trying to catch his breath and calm his rapid heart rate.

“Sleep,” Jihoon whispered in the dark, gently lowering him to the ground.

Tears leaked out the corner of his eyes but Jihoon didn’t stop brushing his hair, pulling the covers back over his chest. The comforting rhythm lulled him to sleep, a calm settling in his mind and dragging him down until reality couldn’t touch him anymore.