blood flowers

Saturday drifts in with a chilly sunshine. Youngjae sweeps the floor while Hanbin lounges on the stool behind the counter, doing his homework. With a hushed sigh, Youngjae peers at the glass doors, hoping to see a hint of a blue cap pass by.

It’s their eighth date. The blood flowers had already grown so by right, Jinhwan and Daehyun didn’t need to see each other anymore. However, Jinhwan suggested having one last date to bring things to a nice end.

Youngjae was at a loss for words when he heard the news from Daehyun. He was gleeful, expectedly, while Youngjae could only bite back as much of his irrational bitterness and force a smile. Perhaps the most piercing guilt comes from the relief he feels that the dates have finally come to an end.

It’s unbelievably clear to him how petty he’s being to actually gain happiness out of Daehyun’s disappointment. Youngjae knows it and he yearns badly to stop, despite how it seems. But he simply can’t stomp away the sourness from seeing Daehyun with Jinhwan.

Worst of all, he doesn’t comprehend it one bit. Time and time again he has tried to reason with himself in his head, belittling along the way his senseless feelings. Daehyun doesn’t belong to him. Daehyun can be friends with people other than him. Daehyun’s life doesn’t revolve around him.

Youngjae incessantly chides himself for his ridiculous reactions and tries his hardest to act as usual, yet the hurt only churns and doubles. It’s true—he hates seeing Jinhwan and Daehyun together, and he has long given up denying it.

But why?

Miserably, Youngjae glances to Hanbin, the boy oblivious to the hecticthoughts swarming Youngjae’s mind. These past two weeks have been terrible for Youngjae. He’s bewildered, and it’s making him anxious. He lashes out at Daehyun and can’t even explain to him why when he apologises later. All he wants is to grow up for Daehyun’s sake.

Youngjae bursts out into a low cough, crouching over as his body shakes. Hanbin lifts his head and plugs out his ear buds.

“That cough’s getting really bad. You sound like Daehyun at this point,” Hanbin jokes, though Youngjae can make out the concern in his eyes.

“You still haven’t seen a doctor?”

“It’s fine,” Youngjae brushes off.

“You’re exactly like Daehyun,” Hanbin sighs. “Will it kill you to make a trip to the doctor?”

Youngjae softly exhales. “I’ve got a lot on my plate now,” he mumbles, roaming to the pantry and getting a snack.

“Oh, what?” Hanbin cranes his head out, gaze following Youngjae.

Youngjae shrugs. “Do you want some biscuits?”

“Not those green tea ones. Get me the chocolate ones.” Hanbin catches the one Youngjae tosses him. “Do you know how expensive those dumb green tea biscuits? It’s twice that of my chocolate biscuits. Psh, favouritism.”

“What favouritism?” Youngjae snorts, wiping the crumbs off his lips. He knocks Hanbin’s forehead, belatedly realising it’s what Daehyun often does to him. “Ask Daehyun for a more expensive snack, then.”

“Yeah, see, I like it when he takes initiative. He gets those garbage biscuits for you even though you don’t ask for it.”

Youngjae narrows his eyes. “Initiative? Is Daehyun your boss or the other way round?”

Hanbin laughs cheekily as Youngjae grins, returning to sweeping the floor. He coughs once again, having to stop as he cups his mouth.

“How was your exams? You said yesterday was your last, right? I can’t believe you get homework right after.

“Meh. Crappy as usual. And it’s school, what do you expect?”

“Does your girlfriend do well?”

Hanbin lowers his head with a light flush. “Yeah. She’s been scolding me for not studying.”

“She’s a keeper,” Youngjae chuckles. “Why don’t you two study together? It’ll be less boring for you.”

Hanbin rubs his neck. “I don’t want her to see me struggling.”

“Aww, wow, I didn’t know you could be that soft and cute,” Youngjae cooes, much to Hanbin’s indignation. “Come on. I don’t know Hayi well but I don’t think she’d think you’re stupid or something, even if she’s fierce.”

Hanbin purses his lips. “I don’t know.”

“She won’t, trust me. If she does I’d be worried about the relationship.”

Youngjae puts away the broom and grabs the mop. “I’m going to mop the floor now. Stay where you are.”

Hanbin nods. He checks the time. “Wow, it’s been three hours already. Daehyun likes this client a lot, don’t you think?”

Youngjae freezes in his steps. He shrugs, gingerly asking, “Why do you think that?”

“Their dates are so long and he looks happy a lot nowadays.” Hanbin raises his brows. “Didn’t you see his face when that client—what’s his name—came?”

“I don’t know his name,” Youngjae mutters.

“Oh, Jinhwan, was it?” Hanbin sneaks out Daehyun’s log book and checks. “Yeah, it’s Jinhwan.”

Youngjae grabs a pail and walks out of the store, filling it with water. As he heads back in, he pours some soap into the bucket and begins mopping the floor.

“How do you feel about this?” Youngjae finally musters up the courage to ask.

“About what?”

“About that client and Daehyun.”

“Not good.”

“Really?” Youngjae perks up, some relief washing over him.

“Yeah… If Daehyun gets too attached, it’s not good for him,” Hanbin murmurs.

“He’ll get the Hanahaki operation afterwards,” Youngjae mentions matter-of-factly.

“But he’s gotten a relapse before from the same person, right? I don’t know, I might be paranoid but if that happens it’s going to be a problem.”

Youngjae blinks. “Yeah, that’s true,” he breathes. Maybe this is subconsciously why he’s been so agitated by Jinhwan—the situation reminds him of Sunhwa.

“I’ve been thinking. We should get Daehyun to quit blood flowering, but he doesn’t want to.”

“Yeah.”

“Why not we set him up on a date? When he gets a girlfriend he can’t do blood flowering. It’s smart, isn’t it?” Hanbin excitedly proposes.

Youngjae takes a while to comprehend Hanbin’s suggestion. “Uh,” he falters. “I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“Why? We’ve tried talking to him again and again but he doesn’t stop. This is pretty much the only way I can think of. I know it’s shady, but we’ll convince him to try out a blind date.”

“Well, you can ask him if you want,” Youngjae says uncomfortably. He quickly follows, “Though, I really don’t think he’s going to say yes. It’s a waste of time to ask.”

“We can try it out. It won’t hurt.”

Youngjae swallows. “Yeah. Do what you want,” he mumbles as he continues mopping the floor.

Another hour toils past as Youngjae busies himself with chores while Hanbin completes his school work. While dusting the shelves, Youngjae turns when Hanbin calls out for him.

“Youngjae! Daehyun’s back.”

Immediately, Youngjae goes to the window. He notices the pair crossing the road, chatting jovially.

Youngjae averts his gaze, regretting his decision to come to the very front. He wants to pretend he hadn’t seen them but it’s too late by then. Daehyun holds open the door as Jinhwan steps in, thanking him with a soft laugh.

“And then what?”

“He told me I was too small and weak to do any damage. So I kicked him in the crotch.”

Daehyun bursts out laughing while Jinhwan smiles along. “He deserved it, hm?”

“He did.” Daehyun simmers down from his loud chortles, the most delighted Youngjae has heard in a while, and glances to his watch.

“Your boyfriend will be here in a few minutes, right?” Daehyun exhales, offering a small smile. “I’ll contact you once the blood flowers are extracted, like I said. You can come down and collect it or have it delivered to your place.”

Jinhwan nods slowly. His lips quirk and he sincerely says, “I had a really fun time with you, Daehyun. I know it was for the blood flowers but I enjoyed your company a lot.”

Daehyun embarrassedly down the back of his head, grinning sheepishly. “I did too. You’re my nicest client.”

“As if. You only say that to get more coupons from me.”

“Yeah, sorry, I’m not interested in those. You have coupons from a lot of weird restaurants.”

Daehyun glances to Youngjae finally. As Youngjae attempts a simple hey, Daehyun doesn’t give him the chance to speak.

“The bouquet—where is it?”

Youngjae scuttles to the back to retrieve it. He’d been told to make a bouquet this morning by Daehyun while he was out on his date. He unfortunately registers why as Daehyun thanks him and holds out the bouquet to Jinhwan.

“Here, a little something for you,” Daehyun murmurs, his shyness manifesting in the way he avoids eye contact.

“Oh my gosh,” Jinhwan blurts in unquestionable awe. “A little something? You’re insane. This is… so, so beautiful. Thank you.”

“I’m glad you like it,” Daehyun hums. “My assistant made it.”

Jinhwan glances to Youngjae and Hanbin with an amiable smile across his lips. “Thank you. It’s so gorgeous. I don’t know how you guys can make these.”

Youngjae doesn’t churn out a smile. Instead, he has to bite his lips, trying not to show how upset he is.

Daehyun didn’t even tell him who the bouquet was for. Fine, Youngjae doesn’t ask much about the orders he makes and who they go to, but… in the first place, why is he giving a bouquet to one of his blood flowering clients?

“Thanks for the good time and all the best to you and your partner.” Daehyun leans his weight to his other leg and mentions quietly, “I’m sorry, too.”

“What? Why are you sorry?” Jinhwan presses the bouquet to his chest. “I should be sorry. My boyfriend’s paying you to grow flowers in your lungs… You’ve been paying for all the dates and here you are, even giving me something like this.”

Daehyun shrugs with a shadowy smile. “About the wedding bouquet, let me know if your boyfriend’s keen about the idea too. I’ll make one for you two. And you’ll get coupons for it.”

Jinhwan melts into a delighted laugh, dripping of a honey Youngjae guiltily hates. “It’s the one thing I won’t use coupons on. Your bouquets are too precious for discounts. And definitely.”

Thanks a lot, Daehyun. I really had a great time with you. I can visit, right?” Jinhwan steps forward and gently winds his hands around Daehyun, pulling him into a hug. “

Youngjae feels his shoulder sink, the wind knocked out of him in place of an irk he can’t put his finger on. A bit of anger, a bit of hurt, a bit of sorrow.

Surprised by the embrace, Daehyun turns flustered. “Yeah, sure. Anytime.” He hugs Jinhwan back awkwardly while Hanbin muffles a laugh.

“Oh, my boyfriend’s here,” Jinhwan says. He cutely grins up at Daehyun. “You said it. I’ll pop by someday.”

“I’ll have some coupons ready,” Daehyun chuckles. He bids Jinhwan farewell as the petite man gets into his boyfriend’s car.

“Wow,” Hanbin is the first to break the silence. “You’re a lot closer to him than I thought.”

Daehyun smiles wistfully. “He’s a down-to-earth guy, with a good heart. Hard not to get along with a guy like that.”

“Yeah, he seems like a good person.”

Youngjae remains quiet. He wants to be petty and confront Daehyun about the bouquet, but stops when he sees how Daehyun’s practically glowing. He always looks so fatigued, as if the jadedness was gnawing through his bones while the flowers grew. In pain, in love, Daehyun’s constantly too tired to spend as much time with Youngjae—or so he thought.

Clearly, Youngjae was wrong about Daehyun being too weary, since he can suffer through the anguish of the Hanahaki disease, push back the operation, all for Kim Jinhwan.

“I can’t believe he wants to drop by, hah,” Daehyun beams. “If I’d close the applications for this month a bit earlier, his boyfriend would have gotten someone else and I wouldn’t have met him.”

Youngjae goes back to dusting the shelves. He should be happy for Daehyun. It’s been a long time since Daehyun has been this happy.

He really, really should stop being such a pathetic loser and just be happy for Daehyun.

Daehyun sighs, throwing himself into a chair. “I’m going to miss him.” He looks to Youngjae and mentions, “See, I told you he loves your bouquets. He’d probably want you to make his wedding bouquet for him.”

“He likes Youngjae’s bouquets?” Hanbin chirps.

“Yeah, I showed him our selections. He liked quite a few of Youngjae’s, especially that Summer Box of Surprises. Youngjae has an innocent style to his bouquets.”

“It’s too bad he’s attached. You two fit well.”

“What are you saying,” Daehyun chuckles, averting his stare.

At this moment, Youngjae presses a hand roughly to his mouth as he bends over slightly, fighting the urge to vomit. The nausea shatters into smithereens of coughs, Youngjae clutching at his chest. It hurts and it feels like something’s tearing apart his throat.

“Youngjae?” Daehyun stands instantly. “Hey, are you okay?”

Youngjae gazes up at Daehyun, eyes watery from the tension in his ribcage. “I-” He tries to get even a word out but the cough slices in.

“Youngjae,” Daehyun’s voice drops an octave, the concern turning into panic. He comes closer but Youngjae holds him away, not wanting him to catch his sickness. He tries to straighten up and weakly removes his hand from his mouth, confused by how he’s clasping something. As he opens up his palm, the world stops.

Purple.

Youngjae stares blankly at the petals in his palm. They’re so light that it feels like a dream, but Youngjae can feel their softness on his skin.

Daehyun catches sight of them as well. His lips part in sheer shock, but Youngjae can barely register his presence right now.

In his hand are the petals of a Wisteria flower, so thin and feeble.

“Jisook…” Youngjae whispers, that sole name trembling from his throat. The petals flitter to the floor and Youngjae darts his eyes in distraught to Daehyun. He grabs his phone off the counter and shakily dials her number, pushing past Daehyun out of the store.

He runs. The anguish chews through his every vein, sorrow and humiliation strangling away his breaths. Is this how Yongguk felt when he first coughed out flowers?

He turns several corners in hopes of evading Daehyun, knowing he’s chasing him by now. All the while, he desperately listens to the rings of his phone, waiting for Jisook to pick up.

Finally, the line clicks.

“Youngjae?” She tiredly starts.

“Jisook,” Youngjae croaks, tears stinging his eyes and blurring his sight. He stops in an alleyway and squats pitifully in a corner. “How could you do this to me?”

“What do you mean?” She breathes in confusion.

Youngjae sobs, “You cheated on me, didn’t you? Don’t lie to me!”

“What?” Jisook sighs. “Stop talking nonsense. It’s late here and I-”

“That’s why you don’t want to talk anymore, right? I knew it. There’s no reason for you to be busy now. It’s your holidays. Even texting—you can’t even find the time to reply?”

“Where’s all this coming from?” Jisook utters with a tinge of irritation.

“I’m coughing up flowers!” Youngjae screams. He chokes back his cries while Jisook takes her time to reply.

“…Don’t lie to me, Youngjae,” she eventually sighs.

“I’m not lying!” Youngjae shouts like a child, tears burning down his cheeks. “Seriously, how could you do this to me? Who is it? How long have you been doing this behind my back?”

A long quietness fills their conversation as Youngjae weeps. He halts abruptly to catch his breath, only for more flowers to spill out of his mouth.

“Tell me, Kim Jisook,” Youngjae grits shakily. “Don’t lie to me anymore. Stop making excuses. I know it already.”

Over the phone, Jisook exhales lengthily. She talks with a calmness that only digs into Youngjae’s heart more.

“Are you at home?”

“What does that have to do with anything?” Youngjae yells.

“I want to video call you,” Jisook intones. “I have something to show you.”

Youngjae wipes furiously at his tears. He seethes, “Kim Jisook, you really take me for an idiot.”

“I’ve got the Hanahaki disease.”

Youngjae stills. He flutters his lashes and the irateness returns tenfold. “God, you seriously think of me as an idiot. How long have you thought of me like that? Stop lying to me-”

“Go back home. Video call me once you reach and I’ll show you.”

The line cuts off, leaving Youngjae to stare at his phone in disbelief. He clutches at his phone and lowers his head, trying to calm down and not to let the emotions cloud his judgement.

Jisook wouldn’t cheat on him. She’s always been a good person and Youngjae knows that well—but who knows? He bets Yongguk thought of his girlfriend as kind too before he found out the news.

Youngjae pulls himself off the ground and pats his face. He briskly heads to his apartment, biting back the recurring urge to shed tears with his hands to his cheeks. The people pass with curious stares, sieving out the agony he reeks of, while his phone vibrates with missed calls from Daehyun.

He grabs his laptop once he reaches his apartment and starts a call with Jisook. She picks up almost instantly, looking unusually pale and gaunt. She seems to observe Youngjae for a while as the college boy sniffles, eyes swollen and puffy.

“Do you really have the Hanahaki disease?” Jisook breathes.

“I’m not like you,” Youngjae rebounds. “I won’t lie to you.”

Jisook doesn’t seem fazed by the accusation, instead holding a hand to her collarbones. She swallows thickly and then hacks, cough evidently much worse than Youngjae’s.

Much to Youngjae’s astonishment, out from her lips flit some yellow petals. She holds up one wearily and remarks, “Daffodils.”

“Wait, what? That’s- that’s not possible,” Youngjae stammers, at a loss.  “A-Are you faking it?”

“Youngjae,” Jisook heaves, rubbing her face. “I’ve had this for months. Ask Jaekyung. You’re the one that’s lying about it. And you still have the cheek to act like I’m the one who cheated on you.”

“I’m not lying, really,” Youngjae stresses. He coughs out several lavender-coloured petals and Jisook flutters her lashes, blatantly surprised.

“…You’ve really got the disease?” Jisook shifts closer.

“I do. They’re wisteria flowers,” Youngjae hiccups. “I’m not cheating on you. Why… why didn’t you tell me you were growing flowers? When did it start?” He dashes away more of his tear streaks. “You should have told me.”

“I wanted to see how long you’d keep it up behind my back. How much you take me for a fool.” Jisook sighs, combing her hair back with both her hands as she bats her lashes tiredly.

“And… I just couldn’t bear to, I guess, after so many years together. And because I still love you, anyway.”

Youngjae’s heart crunches up in hurt.

“I really didn’t cheat on you. I don’t know why this is happening. I’m sorry,” he whispers. “You should have told me. Why did you keep quiet? Have you been suffering all this time and I just didn’t know? Every time I called you…”

Youngjae grits through his tears, “I really, really didn’t cheat on you. I don’t understand why we’re both growing flowers at the same time. Jisook, how could you just keep quiet and go through that disease… without telling me…”

Jisook remains wordless while Youngjae snivels, the silence stretched with the overhanging woe.

“Why we’re both growing flowers at the same time…” Jisook drifts off like she’s in thought, though it seems she has the answer right at her fingertips. “I still love you, and you said you didn’t cheat on me. So you must be in love with someone else.”

“I’m not,” Youngjae protests. “I’m not cheating on you. I don’t love someone else. I’ve never met anyone new. Have you?”

“Yes, but I’m sure of where my disease comes from.”

“It can’t be. I’ve never met anyone new, so it’s not possible. It’s you or…” Youngjae raises his head and blurts, “Daehyun says the flowers grow based on what we think, so, what if we’ve got this all wrong?”

Jisook rests her head in her palm. “Why do you think I think this way, then?”

“We haven’t been seeing each other face-to-face, that’s why,” Youngjae states, determination seeping into his hoarse words. “I’ll come see you over the holidays, alright? I won’t get rid of my flowers.”

Jisook breathes out slowly. “You said you didn’t meet anyone new.”

“I haven’t. I really haven’t-”

“Think harder, then,” Jisook heaves. Her shoulders fall in exhaustion as she threads through her hair with her long fingers, a habit of hers whenever she’s upset.

“I always loved how innocent you were… How it made you different from the other guys. But it’s getting on my nerves now.”

Youngjae exasperatedly raises his voice. “What do you mean? What am I supposed to think about? Do you want to break up?”

“What’s the use of staying together when you don’t love me?” Jisook intones sharply.

“What do you mean? I still do! I told you, I didn’t meet anyone-”

“If you didn’t meet anyone new, then it’s not someone new,” Jisook interrupts, laughing softly with a stark wryness.

Youngjae pauses. He treks through his memory, trying to sieve out the people in his life. It’s true that he’s talked to a few girls over the semester through his project groups, but they’re simply acquaintances whom Youngjae struggles to even pinpoint clearly their features.

The only people who’s around him all the time is Daehyun, Jongup, Hanbin, Jiwon, Yongguk-

Youngjae bats his lashes slowly as the realisation creeps over him as he runs through the list again and again.

Daehyun, Jongup, Hanbin, Jiwon—

Daehyun, Jongup—

He doesn’t want to say it. But as his mind broaches the thought, all the pieces fall into place like a hilarious children’s puzzle. It feels just as if he’d been hit by a ton, debris of thoughts left behind in the worst picture he can put together.

He claps a hand to his forehead as his breaths come out hefty.

It can’t be Daehyun. It just can’t be Daehyun. Why would he be in love with Daehyun? They’ve been friends for a good three years. Daehyun’s like a best friend to him, like the brother he’s never had, like a father in place of his far away in their hometown. It’s always been Daehyun, him, Hanbin and Jiwon together, the ones that make up the modest flower shop down the street. It’s- it’s almost morbid to think that he’s thinking of Daehyun differently, as if it ruins their entire ecosystem of relationships.

Youngjae knows he doesn’t like men. It doesn’t make sense for him to love Daehyun. He shouldn’t love him, when everything’s fine the way it is, when Daehyun’s a blood florist who has never seen him romantically despite all the time they’ve spent together.

Youngjae whimpers. He clasps his hands to his face as the tears he’s been holding in for the past few weeks spill alongside his fresh ones. How could he never have realised? There’s no use denying it. All these weeks of pathetic moping, of being disoriented—did he subconsciously refuse to touch the topic?

It’s true that Youngjae has always been willing to sacrifice for Daehyun. He goes over and takes care of Daehyun over something as minor as a cold. He’s brave enough to risk their friendship every time he argues with Daehyun over blood flowering. He doesn’t need to put in the hours for work but he takes up shifts so he can spend time with Daehyun.

Daehyun is his closest friend; he’d be willing to do anything to make him happy. That is, until he realised an exception to the rule—Kim Jinhwan.

Initially, Youngjae never thought Daehyun would love a man. The thought never crossed his mind and it was fine because they were best friends. It was just them and the flower shop with female clients coming in and Daehyun forgetting them after a while. Daehyun pampered and took care of him, and he discreetly adored how much Daehyun loved him, as self-centred as it was.

And then Jinhwan appeared, and Daehyun fell head over heels with him.

Youngjae was special to Daehyun, yes, but certainly not in a romantic way even though Daehyun was open to men. Certainly not the apple of Daehyun’s eye.

And he didn’t like that, did he? That while he was by Daehyun’s side all this while, Daehyun never thought of him as good enough, never saw him as fitting enough to be loved—whereas a man could steal his heart in a few days. Which was why he threw a hissy fit when Daehyun took such a great liking to Jinhwan.

He wanted to be Jinhwan, he knew it deep down inside. He wanted Daehyun to love him the most. All this time, Youngjae thought it was because he was out of his mind from being possessive over a close friend. In truth, he’d fell in love with Daehyun along the way, and seeing Daehyun with a man—someone who could have been him but isn’t him, couldn’t be him—made him painstakingly realise it.

The tears trickle off Youngjae’s jaw onto his lap. He’s a disgusting, jealous brat who loathes Daehyun being fond of Jinhwan—plainly because he’s in love with Daehyun.

He wanted Daehyun to love him back. Wants Daehyun to love him back.

It’s so horrid how it all makes sense. Youngjae feels nauseous from the epiphany and he cups his mouth in case he hurls. How dense was he to not realise it until now? He worries over Daehyun more than himself, stays up at night in misery thinking about the flowers in Daehyun’s lungs, yearns to hear Daehyun’s voice before he sleeps.

“You’ve always been so slow,” Jisook chuckles, filled with a light sadness. “You didn’t even know I liked you till I confessed.”

“Jisook,” Youngjae struggles to hold his voice steady, “I… I really didn’t know.”

His pitch cracks with vulnerability. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know, I swear. I’d have told you straight away. I wouldn’t do this to you.”

Jisook sighs, the ends of her lips curling bleakly. “We’re both so sad, aren’t we? The people we love don’t feel the same way.”

Youngjae feels like his heart’s about to break apart. “I’m sorry,” he repeats like a broken record. He’s broken his relationship with his girlfriend of five years, and he’s in love with his closest friend who has never turned his way. How pitiful can he be?

“How’d you know?” Youngjae whispers.

Jisook expels a thin breath. “You talk about him every day. You call me and tell me you miss him because he didn’t call back. All the things you do for him, even telling me you can’t video call because he has the flu. Remember last month? When you video called while you were at work. The way you looked at him, how you talked more to him than to me—I tried to push the thoughts away but they kept coming back.”

“I really loved you so much,” Jisook says, sounding so drained that her emotions can’t keep up with her miserable words. “I told everyone I had a boyfriend waiting for me at home. I turned down boys because of you. Every day, I thought about what you were doing, whether you ate, if you slept already.”

Her eyes well up with tears. “Do you know how I felt when I spat out those flowers? I cried so much for that week. I was so angry that you’d even want to call me and pretend like everything was the same.”

“Every day, I walked around my school with so much shame because of you. Do you know what they say about me? They laugh at me and say I’m a joke. That I gushed over you, said we’d last even if were in a long-distance relationship, yet look what happened—my boyfriend dumped me anyway.”

“I’m really so stupid,” Jisook whispers, tears dripping over her lashes. “I should have gotten the operation. I should have called you and screamed at you. I wouldn’t have had to go through all the shame and live so hard. But I didn’t have the heart to confront you. Because I just couldn’t believe deep down you’d do this to me.”

Jisook churns out a watery smile. “I knew you weren’t the kind of person to do this to someone on purpose. I’m glad I was right.”

“You should have told me,” Youngjae weeps, burying his face into his hands as the sorrow chokes away his breaths. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. You should have went for the operation. Why are you so stupid, Kim Jisook?”

“I don’t know. Because I love you, I guess.” Jisook lets out a long breath and remarks, “Well, should we break up here, then? Now that I know how you feel. I’ll arrange to get the operation next week.”

“Wait,” Youngjae blurts, desperation clear in his tone. “No, we can-”

“Youngjae, I want to break up,” Jisook cuts in, almost begging. “Please. I don’t think I can take another month with the disease. You’ll understand when time passes.”

Jisook smiles a little and hums, “I should go now. It was nice while it lasted.”

With that, she ends the call, leaving Youngjae to stare at a black screen. He continues gasping for breath as the tears dig into cheeks. 5 years together, all gone like this. All because his ing stupid heart decided to yearn for his closest friend.

Youngjae’s phone has been vibrating across the table for a long time, lighting up every now and then with Daehyun’s contact. Soon, Daehyun will realise Youngjae’s back home and he’ll come over for sure. Because that’s the kind of sickeningly nice person he is, something Youngjae can’t help but find aggravating now.

Youngjae remains sitting on his bed, simply staring into space as the revelations continue grappling with him. He honestly never knew he could be such a terrible person—to put his girlfriend though all of that and be oblivious.

He stands. Unfortunately, he bursts out with wisteria flowers, much to his frustration. The petals fall into his palm and Youngjae crushes them in anger, tossing them into the bin.

Ten minutes later, Daehyun arrives with the ring of the doorbell, as expected. Youngjae hastily dashes away his tears as Daehyun calls out for him.

“Youngjae? Are you home?”

Youngjae doesn’t reply. He goes to the bathroom and washes up his face, gazing at his reflection. There’s no way he can hide his puffy eyes, so he carefully returns to the living room, faltering by the door.

“Youngjae. It’s me, Daehyun.”

He’s seriously so stupid, Youngjae thinks. As if Youngjae can’t tell it’s him from his voice. From the start, he’d already known it was him. Only Daehyun’s stupid enough to rush over like this.

“I know you’re at home. Your new sneakers,” Daehyun speaks through the door, loud yet gentle. “It’s okay if you don’t want to talk. Just tell me you’re okay and you won’t do anything rash.”

Just his voice has Youngjae tearing up again. He steps towards the door and murmurs, “I’m fine. Don’t worry about me.’

“Youngjae,” the relief in his voice is immense, “you’re really okay? Do you want to talk about it?”

“No,” Youngjae breathes. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry.” Daehyun pauses for a moment. “Do the flowers hurt?”

Youngjae lowers his head. “No, they don’t.”

“Don’t lie. It’s your first time. Make some cold water for yourself. Do you have throat lozenges?”

“You say I’m lying, but what about you?” Youngjae asks in return. He sits down and rests his back against the door, aimlessly gazing up at the ceiling. “You always say it doesn’t hurt.”

“That’s because I’m used to it, so it’s not painful anymore. I’ll bring over some throat lozenges later.”

“I have them.” Youngjae pulls his knees towards his chest, hugging his legs. “I’m fine, Daehyun. Go home.”

“I don’t feel like it,” Daehyun’s voice comes muffled from the other side. He follows Youngjae’s words and levels their voices, probably by crouching on the other side.

“I’m here for you, Youngjae. It’s okay if you don’t want to talk. Later is okay too, when you want to. But I’m here for you. Alright?”

Youngjae wants to scoff through his tears. Daehyun is the reason for all of this. How can he talk to him about him?

Daehyun’s words simmer with some familiarity. He wasn’t there when Daehyun first coughed out Hanahaki flowers. It was when Daehyun closed the shop for the day did Youngjae sense something amiss. Sure, he could be taking a break, but Daehyun was a perfect cut-out of a workaholic. So, he dropped by, but Daehyun wouldn’t let him in.

In worry, Youngjae stayed put for an hour till Daehyun opened the door, and he spoke for the first time with such heaviness.

I have the Hanahaki disease.

When was it, really, that he started liking Daehyun? For how long? Why?

What will he do now?

“Youngjae?”

“Go home, Daehyun,” Youngjae mumbles. “I don’t want to talk.”

“I know. Can I stay here? Outside your door.”

“Do what you want.” Youngjae gets up and grabs a cup of water. He settles on his couch and gazes at the door, then to the clock.

The thoughts wither away into silence as Youngjae stares absentmindedly at the ceiling. He wonders how late will Daehyun stay until. He feels bad for making him wait outside, but he doesn’t think he has the heart to see him now.

His head is empty as he sinks into simply the tenacity of his feelings. It hurts to breathe, as though his windpipe is clogged. His throat burns and all the while, he cornily indulges in the throbbing of his heart. He thought it was a cliché that people were physically agonised by heartbreak, but it’s unfortunately more realistic than Youngjae imagined.

It’s ironic how he questioned Daehyun about being shocked over his first set of Hanahaki flowers when he’s taken aback by his own.

It’s hilarious how things seemed so uncomplex to him when he was a third-party observer. Now he understands why Daehyun went through so much turmoil but never confessed. He’d never be able to tell Daehyun he’s in love with him. Not when Daehyun, who can fall in love with almost anyone, can only see him as purely a friend. Not when things are going so well between them.

Fifteen minutes pass. The thrashing emotions have settled somewhat into a poignant blue and an all-encompassing fatigue. His eyes are dry but ever so often, he feels the urge to cry again.

Youngjae rises and walks over to the door, peeking through the peephole.

“I’m still here.”

Youngjae steps back in surprise. “How’d you know?”

“You pressed on the door and I felt it. What, do you think I can see through doors?”

Youngjae muffles a soft laugh. His shoulders fall wearily and he kneels by the door. “Why don’t you go home? I said I don’t want to talk.”

“Because I don’t want to leave you alone,” Daehyun sighs. His volume drops. “I’m scared you’ll do something bad, too.”

“Do something bad? I won’t,” Youngjae snorts. “I’m just… shocked.”

“Have you told Jisook?”

Youngjae grins wryly. Daehyun is probably sitting on the other side with all the obliviousness in the world, thinking the flowers are because Jisook decided to call it quits.

“Yeah, I have.” Youngjae’s smile turns watery. He manages out, “We’re breaking up.”

“Can’t you guys talk it out? Try it out again?” Daehyun tries tenderly. “It’ll be better to talk when you’re calmer.”

“It’s not her. It’s me. It’s my fault,” Youngjae rasps. He steers away the topic. “I didn’t know it hurt this much for you all this while.”

“It doesn’t. And it’s not your fault, Youngjae,” Daehyun insists.

“It is.” Youngjae bites his lip, trying not to cry. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Okay,” Daehyun concedes softly. They remain in silence as Youngjae collects himself, grasping clumps of his trousers loosely.

“Don’t cry.” Daehyun’s voice drops and Youngjae hates the blue he sieves from Daehyun’s words. He sounds almost as miserable as Youngjae.

“Everything will be okay,” Daehyun’s voice grows louder, thicker like he’s pressing himself against the door so Youngjae can hear his every word to a crisp. “You’ll get through this, okay? I know it.”

“Anytime you need me, I’ll be by your side,” Daehyun urges. Ironically, he’s reminding Youngjae clearly of one of the many reasons to love him.

“Really. I’ll be there if you need me,” Daehyun breathes. “You’ll be okay.”

Youngjae sobs.