His Last Valentines Gift To Him by LittleCuteKid

Title [6/10]

First off, I’d like to point out that the grammatically correct version would actually be:
“His Last Valentine’s Gift To Him”. That being said, I can definitely see how this title relates to your story. It’s a unique title and easy to remember, so good job on that!

Description and Foreword [6/10]

I get the feeling that you’re trying to be mysterious about the “gift”, but overall the description seems cliche. It didn’t immediately piqued my interest because of how similar sounding it is to other fanfics. In addition, it sounds a bit repetitive as you keep reiterating the fact that Sehun didn’t know about Luhan’s sickness, and while it is good that you don’t stray from your actual story in the description, it also needs more substance in order to draw readers in. Also, there are some minor grammatical errors that I’ve fixed below:

He didn’t know that it was his last Valentine’s gift to him.

He regretted it because he didn’t know.

If he knew, would his life had not been like this?

He wanted to change everything

But he couldn’t.

Plot [5/15]

The plot is quite similar to many other fanfics with the whole “I didn’t tell you but I’m dying of _____” cliche. Cliches aren’t necessarily bad, but I would have definitely appreciated something extra to make this story stand out from the rest, and sadly I didn’t find any. Sehun just suddenly discovers too late that Luhan has an incurable disease, and then Luhan dies, leaving Sehun to mourn and regret not knowing sooner.  

Character Development [3/10]
Sadly, there is relatively no character development in this story. Luhan’s character is hardly developed upon at all, so much to the point that it seems as if even Sehun’s sister’s character is further developed than his. All we know of Luhan’s character is that he’s Sehun’s boyfriend, he has cancer, and apparently has decided to not tell Sehun of his sickness. There’s so many directions you can go with his character, especially based on his note he wrote for Sehun. Why does he feel like he’s undeserving of Sehun? Why didn’t he tell Sehun sooner about his sickness? How did he find out he has cancer? There’s infinite ways you can further develop his backstory to explain the note he has written.

With Sehun’s character, he’s slightly more realistic than Luhan’s character, but his also seems like a cardboard cutout. I can see that he clearly loves Luhan through the concern he shows for him, and that he’s childish and like an overgrown child through his interactions with his sister. Yet, his character still seems two dimensional because we aren’t offered any explanation of his behavior. When writing about characters, there is the basis, or as I call it, the cardboard cutout, for each character. This includes the most basic things such as “are they mature or childish?” or “extroverted or introverted?” However, in order to allow readers to really immerse themselves into the story and relate to the characters, you need to further develop these simple things. With the example of “extroverted versus introverted”, you can go on further to explain WHY they may be extroverted. Is it because of the environment they grew up in? A certain character’s influence on them, perhaps? To really develop a character, you really need to focus on even the most miniscule details in order to get that bigger picture you want.

Writing Style [8/20]

Your writing style is concise, but it also makes you lack details in your story. Many sentences are abrupt when in fact you can connect them to form one longer sentence that also flows better. The choppy sentences because of how short each one is makes me have to pause more unnecessarily, and it makes the reading less enjoyable, so I’d really recommend you see which sentences you can connect so that they still make sense grammatically but also flow better.

Spelling, Grammar, and Diction [15/25]

Unfortunately, although you don’t have any major grammatical and spelling errors, you do have a lot of minor ones such as apostrophes for contractions such as “didn’t” and also to show possession/ownership, like “Sehun’s”. Also, you occasionally add extra spaces between words that aren’t necessary, while in others you lack a space. For example, words after a comma need a space between the word and the comma (quote quote quote, quote). There are also tense disagreements as you shift between the past and present tense. The beginning of your story seems to state that you want it to be in the past tense, but towards the middle you sometimes changed to the present tense and then back to the past tense. Lastly, there are some small misspellings but those may be just typos, so I’d really suggest for you to just proofread everything over carefully to catch any spelling and grammatical errors.

Personal Enjoyment [3/10]

Hunhan is one of my favorite ships, so I am a bit disappointed at their lack of depth in terms of character development. I understand that you many want this to be a short oneshot, but you still need more details to really expand on this story and its characters. My two main recommendations would be to definitely proofread this and to add more substance. For proofreading, you can do it yourself or get someone else, perhaps a beta, to do so. Not only will they be able to catch the mistakes, they can also input their own opinions as they may view certain parts of the story from a different perspective from you. You have the basis and the potential to flesh out and develop your ideas, so don’t limit yourself and go ahead and try to do so.

Final Score [46/100]