Four Letters
1.5k words l angst (?) l broken!kaisoo

Kyungsoo reads through the invitation with a small smile adorning her face.

Park Chanyeol and Byun Baekhyun

Invites you to share their happiness as they unite as one….

Kyungsoo is happy for her friends. She really wants to be happy for them but the ache in her chest and many what-ifs playing in her head makes her feel guilty because she’s jealous.

Walking down the aisle has always been her dream. Kyungsoo wants to be able to feel the jitters just before the doors open, wants to feel the butterflies in her stomach as she looks ahead at the altar where her soon-to-be husband awaits, and she wants to write vows of promises to her husband. 

Marriage has always been at the back of her mind. Kyungsoo is ready to take that next step of their relationship but Jongin isn’t. Jongin loathes the idea of marriage. Of two becoming one and all of the legalities that comes with it.

At first, Kyungsoo thought it’s because they haven’t been together for a long time. That they’re still young and shouldn’t be thinking about the future. Kyungsoo buried the thought of marriage as she continues to love Jongin as his girlfriend.

Many years has past since then, five years to be exact. They both have grown maturely and both have stable jobs. They’re emotionally, physically, and financially stable, or atleast that’s what Kyungsoo thought.

One night after Jongin clean his on her belly because he always pulls out even though she has been on the pill for the past years and they’re cuddling, Kyungsoo brought back the subject thinking it was the perfect timing.

“While I was out shopping today, I saw the cutest Asian baby at the mall,” Kyungsoo buries her nose on Jongin’s neck before settling on his chest, “I can just imagine how cute our baby will look like. I hope he or she will have your lips and my eyes- babe are you listening?”

Kyungsoo lifts up her head to look at her boyfriend, “are you sleeping already?” she asks when she finds her Jongin’s eyes close.

“Yes, I was listening and no, I’m not sleeping yet. I’m sure the baby was cute babe. How’s work?”

Jongin opens his eyes after a few minutes and Kyungsoo hasn’t answer his questions. Kyungsoo just kept staring at her boyfriend knowing full well why he change the topic but she already made up her mind and they’re going to talk about it whether Jongin likes it or not.

“You’re changing the topic. Why is it that whenever I talk about starting a family with you, you always change the topic Jongin”

“Kyungsoo please not tonight. I don’t want to talk about it” Jongin tries to press her head back onto his chest but Kyungsoo stayed still.

“Then when are we going to talk about it?”

“When we’re both ready” Jongin says while sighing and closing his eyes.

“I’m ready Jongin. I’ve been ready!”

“Well I’m not! I’m sleepy”

“But Jongin-“ Jongin cuts off his girlfriend murmuring ‘good night’ before pecking her lip and turning his back on Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo remembers not being able to sleep that night as she cries quietly. The topic was once again never brought out and as much as she wants to talk it out with Jongin, Kyungsoo hates fighting over something that can be avoided.

But then their friends started getting married. It started with Suho and Yixing, then Luhan and Sehun, and now, Chanyeol and Baekhyun are getting married two months from now.

Their friends always tease them before on how they’re the one who’s going to get married first since they’re the first one to date. Oh how Kyungsoo wish their friends were right.

Putting the invitation back inside the envelop, Kyunsoo hears the front door opening and looks up just as Jongin steps into their apartment.

Jongin hasn’t seen her seating down at the end of the dining table and Kyungsoo takes this moment to just watch her boyfriend go about putting his stuff away.

How long does a person need to realize they can’t live without their significant other?

For Kyungsoo, it took exactly one year for her to realize how much she’s in love with Jongin. If it’s not Jongin for the rest of her life, then it’s nobody.

Call it cliché but she can’t imagine waking up to somebody else. Kyungsoo can’t and will not say those three words to another person because she knows she will never love somebody else as much as she loves this man infront of her.

But how long does she have to wait?

Kyungsoo may love Jongin with all of her heart but in reality, love is just a word, four letters, and takes a second to say. There are no ropes connected to it that she wishes she can hold onto because she’s slipping away.

“Hey babe,” Jongin is infront of her now, leaning on the dining table, Kyungsoo sees him bend down and she meets him half way. She releases an exhausted sigh into the kiss and wonders if Jongin notices.

But Jongin is naïve when it comes to emotions. Jongin has never really been observant because if he was then he would notice how she hasn’t been taking her birth control pills and how she begs every time they make love to finish inside of her because she’s that desperate knowing full well that unplanned pregnancy won’t solve anything.

“What’s that?” he asks when they part and Jongin points at the invitation on the table.

“Wedding invitation from Yeol and Baek”

Kyungsoo hears a soft ‘ah’ beside her and Jongin starts to make his way to the kitchen but she holds onto to her boyfriend’s elbow, stopping him.

“When?” Kyungsoo asks, not looking up.

“When what?”

“When will you be ready Jongin?” Kyungsoo looks straight at him desperate for answers, “I’m ready to be your wife and I don’t understand why you don’t want to get married”

Jongin sighs, taking the sit next to Kyungsoo, “Babe we talked about this before and you know why”

Kyungsoo shakes her head as tears falls down and she’s pulling her hands away from Jongin’s, “No Jongin I don’t know why because everytime I bring up the topic you push it away. I understand before because we were young and we both just wanted to take easy but we’re nearing our thirties now and I’ve known for a long time that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Don’t you?”

There are many things Kyungsoo love about Jongin but the top one on the list is how her boyfriend’s eyes shows his true emotions. How Jongin says he’s okay with a smile after hurting his ankle from dance practice but his eyes scream pain. How right now, as Jongin tells her how much he loves her and of course he wants to spend the rest of his life with her but his eyes shows uncertainty with every words that comes out of his mouth.

“Then why aren’t we getting married yet?”

“Because I’m not ready and I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for a huge commitment as being married. I’m sorry but I don’t want to be permanently tied down to one person. I’m content with how things are right now between us and I’m barely 28 years old. There’s a lot more things I want to do and getting hitch is not one of them.”

Kyungsoo feels her heart ache for the second time but this time she hears it cracking to million pieces.

Jongin holds onto her face and brushes off the tears falling down on her cheek, “We’re happy, aren’t we?”

Kyungsoo shakes her head, holds on to her boyfriend’s hand, and free herself form his hold. She closes her eyes to prevent more tears from falling.

“I’m sorry” Kyungsoo whispers.

“Babe there’s nothing to be sorry about. I’m glad I was able to tell you how I felt and tomorrow everything will be fin-“

“No Jongin,” She kept her eyes shut, “I’m sorry because I don’t think I can do this anymore and I’m sorry because I’m giving up on us for a selfish reason but I thought even after many years together, you’ll be ready. I love you I really do but it hurts to know that you don’t see a future with me”

“What do you mean giving up on us? Please please tell me you’re not breaking up with me right now?” Jongin tries to take her hands again and this time Kyungsoo opens her eyes to see her boyfriend crying as well.

Kyungsoo covers his wet cheek with her hand and Jongin leans at the touch, “Please don’t leave me”

“I love you,” Kyungsoo says between sobs, “I love you sooo much Jongin but I have to. Our relationship is slowly killing in the inside and this is the only way-“

“No Kyungso. No please please don’t”

“I’m sorry”

It’s funny how Love is just a word, four letters, and takes a second to say. Love binds two people together but too much of it can break them apart.