chapter 8

Jongin can’t help briefly looking over his mug of hot chocolate at the stack of paper in front of him, noticing the familiar logo of his university instantly on the envelope on top of the pile. He frowns and cranes his neck forward slightly, tilting his head to try and read the text. Sure enough, the envelope is addressed to Kyungsoo.

“Hey, what’s this?”

Kyungsoo looks up innocently and, once he realises where Jongin is looking, quickly places his coffee back on the table to free his hands and grab the papers.

“Uh…” Kyungsoo looks at the envelope and flushes red, standing up and hurriedly placing the stack in a nearby cupboard. “Just paperwork. Nothing special.”

“That letter was from the university,” Jongin says slowly. He eyes Kyungsoo’s sheepish face, realising Kyungsoo clearly doesn’t want to elaborate, and hides his own in his mug. He doesn’t want to push, since his friend is clearly uncomfortable sharing information about the letter, but he’s genuinely curious. Kyungsoo hadn’t mentioned contacting the university since Jongin first handed him the scholarship forms.

“Did you subscribe to some newsletter?” Jongin offers, realising Kyungsoo isn’t intending on giving an explanation even after he’s sat back down. Kyungsoo nods enthusiastically at this, obviously relieved to have an excuse, and Jongin leaves the conversation at that. The last thing he wants is to make Kyungsoo awkward in his own home.

“Yeah. It’s—it’s a subscription renewal form, the letter.”

“Oh. I see.” Both of them fall quiet, and Jongin chugs his drink until his stomach churns because he doesn't want to be the one to start talking again – better to fill his mouth with milk than with words. Unfortunately, Kyungsoo is thinking the same thing.

“So, uh, are you still considering applying for a scholarship?” he finally queries innocently, drumming his fingers up and down the side of his mug. Kyungsoo stares down at the table, shrugging after a couple of moments of contemplation.

“I suppose.”

“You’re not doubting your own abilities, are you?”

Kyungsoo waves away the question dismissively. “Don’t worry about it, Jongin. I’ll see what happens.”

Jongin purses his lips, knowing that Kyungsoo is still uncertain about his skill level, but he doesn’t ask any more questions. Perhaps Kyungsoo is just having a bad day.

“Nice hot chocolate.”

“Do you want some more?” Kyungsoo blurts loudly, knuckles white around the handle of his cup. Jongin raises his eyebrows, and Kyungsoo’s gaze bores holes into the floor, his cheeks bright red.

“You don’t have to be nervous—”

“Um,” Kyungsoo says loudly, “I’ve got work tomorrow. Do you want to come along? And meet my co-workers?”

Jongin smiles softly and reaches over the table, placing a hand on top of Kyungsoo’s. “Hey, relax. I don’t care about whether or not you’re ready to apply for a scholarship yet. And I’d love to come – after my class, that is.”

Kyungsoo releases the tension in his shoulders and leans back into his chair, heaving a sigh, and awkwardly moves his hand away from Jongin’s.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

They ease back into casual conversation and Kyungsoo eventually relaxes, but it doesn’t go unnoticed by Jongin when they stand up to place their cups in the sink and Kyungsoo quickly locks the cupboard he’d placed the envelope in.

[] [] []

It’s ironic how nervous Jongin is to introduce himself to all of Kyungsoo’s co-workers when they already know exactly who he is.

Jongin shakes hands with and bows to every waiter and waitress he meets, overwhelmed by how kind and welcoming they are, and surprised to find that none of them question his relationship with Kyungsoo. Clearly, they assume they’re just friends – Jongin knows he should be relieved, but a part of him almost feels empty, because he was so expectant to hear at least one “are you dating?” from the other staff. Jongin concludes this is because they’ve known Kyungsoo long enough to be aware that he isn’t gay.

Jongin is sure that he doesn’t have feelings for Kyungsoo, but he can’t shake away the overhanging feeling of, what he’s afraid must be, disappointment.

He stays at Kyungsoo’s heels and helps out with the cleaning and the preparation for dinner service, chatting and laughing with both Kyungsoo and the other staff, and finds himself deeply engaged in a conversation with one of the waitresses Kyungsoo introduced as Seohyun. She displays a thorough interest in Jongin’s passion for dance, and Jongin is surprised to find she’s in a similar situation to Kyungsoo – desiring to become a chef, but lacking the money to do so.

Eventually Jongin and Kyungsoo end up alone, setting the cutlery down at a table, and Kyungsoo perks up when Jongin mentions his conversation with the waitress.

“Oh, you talked to Seohyun?” he asks curiously. “What about?”

“Ah…just dance, and stuff. She wants to pursue culinary arts too, you know.” Jongin looks up and smiles, and he’s faced with an unexpected look of scrutiny in Kyungsoo’s eyes. “What, do you like her or something?”

Kyungsoo recoils, his face stricken with panic. “What? No! Of course not!”

Jongin laughs, and finds himself releasing a bubble of air that he didn’t realise he was holding in while waiting for the answer. “Relax. I was just wondering.”

He swallows rather thickly and returns to wiping plates until they gleam, and suddenly, he’s not satisfied with Kyungsoo’s answer. It’s just the right opportunity, and he’s burning to know whether or not Kyungsoo would ever be interested in him. Not that he wants that or anything. It’s for Sehun’s sake.

“Do you—have a girlfriend?” Jongin asks, forcibly trying to appear casual. Perhaps it’s because he’s nervous, but he’s sure his voice came out much more strained than intended. Jongin raises his head, and finds that Kyungsoo is staring down at the table, frozen in place.

He looks conflicted at the question, and it takes him a moment to redeem himself and continue working. He doesn’t meet Jongin’s gaze.

“No,” he says softly, after a prolonged pause. “I don’t. Do—do you?”

Jongin feels his heartbeat quicken ever so slightly, and he finds his mouth going a little dry, because what’s he meant to say? He can’t lie to Kyungsoo, but he doesn’t feel ready to tell the truth, either.

“No. I’m, uh, not really interested in finding a girlfriend.”

One glance at the look of surprise on Kyungsoo’s face and Jongin knows he’s said too much. His friend looks confused, as if he wants to ask more, but Jongin’s cheeks are burning and suddenly the room is much too hot and he just wants to get away.

“What time does dinner service begin?” Jongin asks quickly, continuing to work around the table until all of the utensils are set. He notices his hands are trembling, and starts working faster so he can move away from Kyungsoo. His nervousness is a straight-up giveaway.

“Uh—in about half an hour,” Kyungsoo says, breaking his train of thought to check his watch. “Do you need to get home or something?”

“No. I just, you know, I should probably go. So I don’t get in the way.”

“I’m sure you won’t get in the way,” Kyungsoo says. They lock gazes for a few brief seconds, and Jongin quickly stares down at the serviette before him, lungs constricted.

He doesn’t know why he’s so anxious all of a sudden. Maybe it’s because he’s in an unfamiliar environment, maybe it’s because Kyungsoo might just know he’s gay, or maybe it’s because the romantic lighting illuminates Kyungsoo’s eyes and makes him look particularly beautiful, but Jongin knows that even though he wants to stay, he’ll only make a mess of himself if he doesn’t leave.

“It’s okay,” Kyungsoo says, sensing Jongin’s reluctance. “We can meet up later, anyway.”

“Are you sure?”

Kyungsoo furrows his eyebrows, “of course I’m sure. What, are we suddenly not friends?”

“No!” Jongin exclaims, and even though Kyungsoo’s twinkling eyes are making his heart race, he still manages to laugh. Why is he acting so strangely? It’s not like this one conversation has ruined them – hell, Kyungsoo’s probably forgotten about his almost-coming-out, anyway.

The next half hour passes quickly, and Jongin bids farewell to all of the staff, warmed by their kindness and friendliness. Kyungsoo pulls him in for a hug before he leaves, and everything feels like normal until the restaurant doors shut behind him and Jongin realises just how much his heart is aching.

Something’s not right.

[] [] []

Kyungsoo: Can I call you?

Jongin trips the minute he reads the text, slamming into the stairs in front of him and twisting his wrists in funny directions as he tries to break his fall. He yelps in pain and feebly looks around, making sure nobody is behind him, before he pulls himself to his feet and slowly limps up the stairs towards his classroom.

It’s been a week since Jongin visited Kyungsoo’s restaurant and practically outed himself, and even though he’s convinced himself Kyungsoo has forgotten about it, he’s afraid that every cryptic message – or, really, any message he doesn’t understand within a couple of seconds – is regarding his undefined uality. Reading the text, Jongin is almost sure that this is the moment their friendship ends.

Jongin: Ok
Jongin: I’m on my way to class
Kyungsoo: It’s alright, I’ll call when you’re done
Jongin: No please call now

Jongin stops and leans against the wall outside the dance studio, staring at his phone like a madman as he waits. After about twenty seconds, Kyungsoo calls.

“Hello?” Jongin says nervously, trying and failing at making his tone natural.

“Hey. Are you sure you don’t want me to call back?”

“No, it’s okay. I’m here early.” He’s five minutes late.

“Okay. I’ll be quick. Uh…”

Jongin waits in silence, listening to the sound of rumpling in the background as Kyungsoo clears his throat.

“You know how you gave me those—the application forms? For the scholarship?”

Stunned, Jongin takes a moment to breathe before he forces out a response. He should have known, of course Kyungsoo wasn’t calling about the stupid thing he said a week ago, of course he’s forgotten about it. The alleviation almost makes Jongin want to cry.

“Yes! Of course! Are you thinking of applying? Do you want me to talk to someone for you? Do you need some help?” Jongin grabs his throat with his free hand, realising he’s vomiting unnecessary questions to hide the fact that he was terrified about the phone call for no good reason and only making himself sound suspicious. God, he needs to calm down.

“No, no. I just…I guess I was being untruthful to you. I already sent them in.”

Finally relaxing, Jongin actually manages to comprehend what Kyungsoo is saying, and he straightens up in curiosity. “You did?”

“I did. And I’ve met with the professors personally multiple times. They just accepted me today, Jongin. I’ve got the scholarship.”

All thoughts of the class behind him leave Jongin’s mind as Kyungsoo relays the news to him, and it takes him half a second to realise he should probably go somewhere more private so his excitement isn’t heard through the walls.

“I’m—wow, Kyungsoo, congratulations! That’s incredible!” he exclaims, smiling as he ducks back down into the staircase, hidden from view. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me you applied!”

“I didn’t want you to judge me if I didn’t get in…”

“Of course I wouldn’t judge you,” he says softly, briefly thinking about how afraid he was – and still is – of Kyungsoo’s judgement, of him, of his ual orientation, of everything. “I—I mean, it wouldn’t have mattered, anyway. There’s no way they could have rejected you.”

“You’re flattering me.”

“It’s true!”

Kyungsoo laughs shyly and Jongin feels his heart soar as he sinks deeper into the corner he’s nestled himself in. It’s not the most comfortable spot, but Kyungsoo’s voice makes him forget everything.

“Don’t you have class?”

Jongin quickly shakes himself back into reality, pushing himself his spot and heading back up the stairs again. “Right. Yes. I should probably go.”

“Of course. Call me when you’re done, alright? I want to see you again.”

“Okay,” Jongin says shakily, grinning from excitement. “Talk to you soon.”

He stumbles into class almost fifteen minutes late with a dumb smile on his face, and even though his dance teacher glares and tells him off, his spirits don’t dampen the whole day.

✏ ( a/n ] this is so gay and cringeworthy. just like me. HOOT WOOT BACK TO WORK I GO but not without leaving you all with thousands of warm hugs and virtual kisses and putting flowers in your hair because you're all beautiful and i love you :^)

word count: 2079