Title: Messed Up

Pairings: Chaeyeon/Heehyun, Chaeyeon/Sejeong

Raiting: +13 (includes sensitive topics such as self harm)

Lenght: 2,227 words

Somehow Heehyun has always known that Chaeyeon is messed up. Maybe it's because she sees the way she tends to have really really good days when she's all hyper and jumping around annoying the out of everyone, and the days that aren't good she's acting only so sightly less giddy that most people don't even notice, but Heehyun always does. Heehyun has always felt this way about Chaeyeon, even though she'll never admit it out loud but there is a reason why she notices all these things. It's not like she really means it to happen, but somehow she always finds herself watching her.

Heehyun thinks Chaeyeon is doing it on purpose. Like she knows what she's putting herself through and still does it, and Heehyun can't figure out why she's doing it. And she knows it's so wrong, but she feels this happy twitch in her heart every time Chaeyeon comes to her and spends the night at their room crying herself asleep next to her, Heehyun kind of looks forward to those nights, which is so wrong and she knows it. It's not that she likes to see her so broken and small, but it's then that she's the one she chooses, and she really wishes Chaeyeon would choose her.

They weren't always that close but Heehyun had always been amazed by Chaeyeon. The way her eyes crinkled when she laughed her loud and obnoxious laugh, and the way she'd blush afterwards embarrassed by it. Heehyun used to watch her from far away trying to figure her out, but never quite succeeding. She always wondered what she hid under those bangs that covered her eyes that were filled up with makeup that she always wore due to always being exposed to cameras. The first time Chaeyeon spent a night with Heehyun, they were 16 and 19 respectively and the latter couldn't understand how someone could be so beautiful but so broken at the same time. Over time Heehyun found out there was more to Chaeyeon that she let on. The conversations throughout the night about life made her realize that Chaeyeon wasn't really happy. She was really good at fooling everyone around her. The way she always seemed to be so happy and full of life, how she was friends with everyone and had an ability to make everyone smile. She just brought everyone together with her beam of happiness, which Heehyun had found out, was just an act. Sometimes Heehyun thinks maybe there were times she was happy with them, that maybe she forgot everything that's haunted her even for a moment, at least she hopes so.

It was only years later when she found about what Chaeyeon did to herself. She wasn't even supposed to be in the set of Chaeyeon’s new drama when she herself had such a tight schedule, but she figured it would be good for Chaeyeon if she visited. When she found the door of Chaeyeon’s dressing room open, she went inside. The room was dissapointingly empty, but something in the bathroom caught her eye. She didn't want to intrude, but she just couldn't help her curious nature that came out at all the wrong places and times. But there, next to the dirty garbage can, was a razor blade wrapper in a paper that was covered in blood. Her blood. Heehyun felt sick to the stomach by the sight. How could she do that to herself? Heehyun left Chaeyeon’s dressing room and the filming set. And the rest of the day went in a daze for her, maybe it was just because she might have forgotten to eat and her blood-sugar was too low, she wasn't sure. The following night was maybe the worst night of her life, at least one of them.

Heehyun couldn't stop thinking about what she had found just a few hours before when she was in Chaeyeon’s dressing room. And Chaeyeon is smart and Heehyun knows she'll pick up soon that something isn't right. Heehyun isn't that good of an actress. And this is something she hadn't prepared in all the acting lessons she took. The night was filled up with lots of screaming insults about privacy and hateful words directed towards Heehyun. Chaeyeon’s crying turned into a painful sobbing that didn't end until early hours of morning when she finally fell asleep exhausted. Heehyun didn't really sleep at all that night. She watched Chaeyeon sleep curled up next to her, her makeup now messed up and the frown still on her face with the dried tears. They didn't really mention her cutting the morning after when the awkwardness flooded around them, nearly suffocating them. The next days were not the same for them at all, but Chaeyeon was the only one who managed to get Heehyun to laugh, and Heehyun was the only one Chaeyeon trusted at that moment, so it was bound to bounce back normal soon, and much to Heehyun's resistance, her scars weren't mentioned again in a long time.

The first time they kissed was kind of an accident. Neither of them meant it to happen, especially now that Chaeyeon was dating Sejeong. Heehyun has always been the kind of girl who's sworn to never cheat on anyone let along one of her best friends, but it's not like she could have helped it. She has been in love with Chaeyeon for years at that point. Too long ignoring the feelings that makes her wanna just hold Chaeyeon and never let her go. Heehyun's feeling too much at once and she just kisses her in the practice room, right where the 7 of them spent the past nights, writing love songs to no one particular, except maybe Heehyun secretly wrote them to Chaeyeon. Their first kiss is clumsy and soft and innocent and definitively awkward, but not as awkward as the silence after it. And nowhere near as awkward as the moment Sejeong bursts through the door swooping Chaeyeon into a hug and going on how happy she was that she’d gotten the day off so she could visit her. And then they're gone leaving Heehyun standing there, feeling way too much for her own good.

The guilt and the jealousy and hurt when she sees Chaeyeon and Sejeong is killing her. Why didn't she kiss her like two years ago when they didn’t know Sejeong? or at least when Sejeong wasn't dating the love of her life, who Heehyun might never have the way she wants. Or any other way, now that she ruined everything by kissing her. Stupid, stupid Heehyun. Always screwing everything up. Later that day, when DIA’s busking event had ended and everyone was asleep, Heehyun might have been in the practice room, sitting at the piano, playing until the early hours of the next arising morning. And if someone would have known about the secret book of songs that Heehyun kept, there would've been a couple songs more after that night, but no one knew so it didn't really count.

After the kiss they weren't like they used to be. Every time Heehyun looked at Chaeyeon, she could almost feel her lips against her own, her hot breathing hitting her face with every time she breathed out. Heehyun didn't spend nights at the practice room anymore and they didn’t hang out together at night like they used to and no one seemed to notice anything. Heehyun felt quite lonely because Chaeyeon was the way she's always been: running away from trouble, trying so hard to avoid it for some unknown reason, and Heehyun couldn't even bear talking to Sejeong because of her, and them, and her selfishness. She wrote a lot of songs then and most of them were so depressing that Eunice had to drag her out of their dorm to do something, anything, because apparently the songs were making everyone miserable.

It wasn't until when her jerk of a friend broke up with Chaeyeon, that Heehyun found herself in front of their room’s door, pacing back and forth contemplating on whether to go in or not. After good fifteen minutes Chaeyeon barged out of the room, annoyed, telling Heehyun to come inside or go pace in front of someone else's room. Of course she followed her inside. Chaeyeon threw herself on her bed and landed with small thump, her black hair flying everywhere and Heehyun couldn't stop looking at her, and when she gripped Heehyun’s hand, pulling the latter next to her, it was only then Heehyun broke her gaze, now staring at the ceiling, trying to think of what to say. Nothing really happened that night, they laid next to each other for a long time in silence. The 7 of them might have played some band songs later that night and Heehyun might have cried a little when she played her new song to them, she couldn't be sure because in the morning the previous night was so fussy that it could have easily been a dream.

It was then when Chaeyeon really went out of the rails. She'd disappear at nights God knows where and with who, and the nights she didn't disappear Heehyun would find her drunken in the bathroom floor with cuts in her wrists and thighs and everywhere and she just couldn't bare the sight. It didn't happen that often, but Heehyun still feared for her and prayed and begged Chaeyeon to let her help. She never really listened. She would promise and swear every time that this would be the last time, that she didn't have to tell anyone because there wouldn't be anything to tell, but still the exact same thing kept repeating itself. Chaeyeon was like a ghost of what she used to be. It didn't take long that she finally snapped and hit her rock bottom, and it was then when all of her members decided that the only option was treatment. Chaeyeon didn't really even cry, she just nodded, kept her head down, sniffed once and went packing her stuff.

Heehyun wanted so bad to say goodbye to her then and hug her for eternity, but somehow she just couldn't do it. Instead she went to the practice room, sat down at the piano and played the first song she ever wrote for Chaeyeon when she had first heard her laugh and thought how awesome it sounded. Heehyun thought about all the times they had spent together when they were trainees. All the nightly talks they had, all the times they just laid next to each other listening to the sound of their heartbeats. And then, suddenly Chaeyeon burst inside the practice room startling Heehyun so bad that she fell off her seat, with a loud thump followed by a groan that escaped her lips the moment she hit the floor. The silence that came afterwards was broken by Chaeyeon’s loud and obnoxious laugh that Heehyun loved so much and she couldn’t help but laugh with her. Chaeyeon laid herself next to her on the floor taking Heehyun’s hand and holding it tightly in her small but firm grip. They laid on the dirty floor quietly just listening to each other’s breathing and every now and then squishing their intertwined hands. After a very long moment Chaeyeon whispered something to Heehyun and the latter wasn't sure if she'd heard right. She slowly turned her head to Chaeyeon and saw her slightly smiling while staring at the sealing. "You heard me right, unnie." She had said after that. "I totally wish I had realized it earlier, you know this isn't the best timing of all times." She had chuckled lightly. Heehyun couldn't answer to her, she only stared at her face, her heart beating too fast and too loud. "And I know you like me too. I've known long time and I'm really stupid and ugh..." Chaeyeon her side now looking at Heehyun and gripped her shoulders, bringing her to her side too. "Can I just... like... I need to... before..." She laughed nervously. "I just need to kiss you before I go, you know. I need to just do it right this time." She put her cold hands on Heehyun’s cheeks and the latter knew this might be the last time she could see her and that she'll need to make it worth so she just pulled Chaeyon’s lips to hers and God, she was in heaven. She was like an angel. A fallen angel, too perfect to adjust in the cruel life on Earth, too fragile to survive alone but so beautiful, and Heehyun wished that they'd meet again, because when Chaeyeon pulled away from her lips, rosed from the floor and finally left room, the last thing Heehyun heard was a quiet "I love you too, Heehyun" and the slight rosy color on her cheeks that came right after that made Heehyun fall in love with her all over again. And then she was alone and Chaeyeon was gone, only her words were echoing in her head and Heehyun had never felt so empty in her life. And she just hoped so bad that Chaeyeon would be back, because she didn't know if she would ever love someone as much as she loved her at that moment, laying on the dirty floor, trying to memorize Chaeyeon’s smell, and her smile, and the way her lips felt against her own.

___________________________________________________

A/N: sooo, how was it?  Kind of bittersweet, wasn't it?

You know, I'm actually a ChaeCat anti you could say lol, I mean I've been a DIA stan since their debut and I just can't see those two as a couple but since they're everyeone's favorite, here y'all go :) Actually I'm planing to do a collection of DIA stories and I figured I would have to make a ChaeCat one, so this was supposed to be for that collection but... yeah, I'll probably add it there too. Anyway, thanks for reading! Comments are highly appreciated <3

PS, I thought including Sejeong/Chaeyeon would add more drama since Heehyun said Sejeong was one of her closest friends during Produce 101 >:) Oh, and also Heehyun and Chaeyeon are roommates in this story as well as in real life.