"Everything just doesn't go the way it's supposed to. And it tires me, draining even the slightest energy I own. Like a black hole, eternally all what's left of me. And I don't want that anymore. I want pain to end. And I wouldn't have that if I continue living right?

If living means daily wishing for an escape to somewhere safe, then I'd rather not live. I'd rather see what's beyond the line that divides the ocean and the sky. I'd rather take risks and die.

And I figured that there is, unfortunately, only one way out.

One way that carries the consequence of never seeing the sun.

The only way for me to escape the black hole is to become one."

Jongin stared blankly at the aqua blue note his trembling fingers were holding. It is definitely her handwriting, he mumbled, trying to convince himself that what he was actually seeing is the truth. But why was it so hard for him to believe? Is seeing her on the same ledge he's in that particular night still not enough? Or her silently agreeing to his proposition of him being her suicide partner still isn't quite a sufficient confirmation to set his numerous doubts to rest?

Because she's Seulgi.

And Seulgi's different.

She's not like me, he thought.

He shoved the thought aside while momentarily closing his eyes. It's been a week since their last meeting; the same night when he unofficially promised her that he'll just show up whenever he feels that the time is right. 

But it's not as easy as some people might think. He has to be cautious. He needs to heighten his senses, to become fully aware of his surroundings. Getting caught sneaking his way out to SM Entertainment's rooftop at the middle of the night with a Red Velvet member is the last thing he'd want to happen, well at least, before the execution of their plan.

He finally made up his mind after days of thinking. He's going to see her tonight. He needs to sort some things out, and he can't possibly do that alone.

Especially because the plan was made for two.

He tossed lazily to the other side of his bed, clumsily checking the digital clock on his bedside table.

5:42 A.M.

His fingers fumbled while setting the alarm to 7:00 in the evening, naturally emitting the nervosity he has been forcefully trying hard to hide.

***********

He woke up before his alarm.

This greatly surprised him. It was a brand new feeling for himself. But he liked how it felt, nonetheless.

It did contribute him some great advantages, however. Like having more time in the shower, more time to prepare himself. But it did cause disadvantages, too. Like more time of thinking leading to the birth of more hesitant thoughts.

He finished his godly routine of fixing himself, taking up most of his one hour time allowance. He chose a fresh plain white tee and a pair of denim pants, rummaging his fingers through his messy hair, with his natural body scent to complete his over-all appearance. He briefly did a random check on the things he must bring before stepping out of his flat shortly after.

He stopped by his favorite restaurant to fill his stomach first. The familiar savory aroma coming from the undeniably tasty food caught him once again. He was too engrossed with eating he barely noticed time passing. He took a glance on his wristwatch only to see the hour hand's tip swiftly brushing the farthest corner of the little box cradling the number 9.

He darted out from his seat noisily, apologizing immediately to the people who he may have possibly disturbed within his proximity. He made his way out before starting to almost sprint towards their unspoken rendezvous.

**********

"And right! Wonderful! You all look amazing. Now just some important points." The girls gathered around their choreographer to listen. They are just a few weeks away from their comeback, so every little detail about their performance must be taken into consideration.  "First on my list: Yeri, please do remember your positions. You're doing good, nonetheless. As for Joy and Irene, that part in the middle, I'll remind you again to please-"

Seulgi lost the will to listen when the choreographer started stressing out their mistakes, her eyes staring blankly in front. She was sitting still, but her mind has already wandered places she has no plan of going in to. Her mind then touched the fragile little memories of her secret meetings with Kim Jongin last week. After their agreement, she expected him to show up the day after, or the next few days, but she was surprised to see not even a trace of his figure. She doesn't know if disappointed was the right word to suffice whatever she feels, but she knew for sure that she has no right to feel whatever that unnamed feeling is yet.

"You hear me, Seulgi?" a deep voice managed to intrude her thinking space.

"Y-Yes?" Seulgi replied, caught off guard.

"That, is exactly what I was talking about. Is there anything wrong? Wanna talk about it?"

Seulgi shook her head in response.

"You seem distracted. Messing up the dance steps. You aren't like this before. You can't even focus now. You hear me, lady? Focus. Think about it. If you fail to get yourself together in the next few weeks, you're going to bring your whole group down. You wouldn't like that, would you? Or if you would, your members definitely wouldn't."

Seulgi was frozen in shock, unable to speak after that. The choreographer then left after giving his final reminders about rehearsal schedules. Wendy was the first to move towards Seulgi's side to ask.

"Hey. Anything wrong, Seul?" she softly asked.

"Nothing. I'm fine." Seulgi answered, offering a small smile. 

"Don't take his words seriously. I mean, well, the reminders of course you have to. But about the other things he mentioned, I think he just said that to sort of wake you up. Nothing personal." Wendy said, returning the smile.

Seulgi felt a pat on her left shoulder, not even surprised to see Irene there. "She's right." She smiled in response, grateful for heartwarming moments like this.

They made their way out of the practice room, with Seulgi being the last one to close the door. Her members were already almost at the end of the hallway when she noticed two paper bags placed near the practice room entrance, intertwined together by a little aqua blue note.

She read the words:

Rooftop after you're done eating.

And knew exactly where the package came from.

**********

Jongin was waiting for almost two hours now, creating possible scenarios in his mind. What if somebody got it instead of her? What if she did not even notice it? What if she wasn't even rehearsing?

Of course, the third one was preposterous. He was sure that she was in there.

Ten minutes more into deep thinking when he heard slow, nervous, footsteps coming towards his position.

"The food wasn't necessary."
Jongin turned around to face the owner of the voice, only to be greeted by an emotionless Seulgi.

"I thought I deserve a little 'Thanks.'" Jongin said with a hint of sarcasm.

"That's me saying thank you. Get used to it." Seulgi answered back, while moving to lean onto the railings.

"Does that mean we're working together for a long time? That's why I have to get used to it?" Jongin shot her a playful smile.

"So, why show up?" Seulgi asked abruptly, dismissing the subject immediately. Those kind of remarks make her uncomfortable.

"Changing the subject so fast. How admirable. You ask why? Answer is simple. Talk."

Seulgi raised her eyebrow in response, unable to comprehend Jongin's one word answer.

"We need to figure some things out. It's not like I'm just gonna drag you somewhere then jump together, well, unless if that's what you want, but then I guess not. I just thought that there's a need for us to straighten things out."

"Okay." was all Seulgi said in response.

"First: When. The date is a really important thing. We have to agree on that, of course. But that's not something we could just point out easily, is it? It involves certain readiness and bravery, and I believe you are far from that stage."

"Second: How. The manner. How do you want to do it? Do you want it easy and fast? Or something time-consuming? Do you want the world to know? Or just disappear on thin air?"

"Third: Where. Do you want to do it in a place where everyone can see your lifeless body right after you die? Or do you want a place hidden, where it would take time and effort, obviously money, too, to find your corpse?"

"And the last one: Decision. It's up to you to decide if you're doing it or not, for your case, doing it alone or not. You see, the last is always the hardest one. Sometimes you got everything planned out, just one step away from execution, but then suddenly your heart changes its beating pattern and you feel like it's not gonna be worth it if you'd do it anymore."

"You seem to have thought a lot about yours already. Judging from how you explained it." Seulgi said eyes not meeting Jongin's.

"It took months to plan mine. But then things happen. Circumstances I can't control."

"I see." 

A minute of deep silence ensued, both in deep thought.

"Seulgi."

She was caught off guard by the way her name rolled swiftly, escaping his lips. It took a moment for her to respond, "Hmm?"

He dug inside his pocket to retrieve the things he is supposed to give her. He showed her some of the photos he printed earlier, handing her each one by one, their cold fingertips merely brushing.

Jongin watched her eagerly as her eyes scanned the images in her hands.

"Interesting choice of photos. May I ask why?"

Jongin shifted on his feet, looking uneasy. "Are the photos draining your energy? Are they tiring you?"

"Just by looking at it? Yes."

"Exactly. You said the only way out was for you to become one. And I want you to stop."

. Of course, he has the note. Of course, he has already read the whole black hole thing. Of course, Kim Jongin. My self-esteem. What more?

"It's figurative speech. And besides, it's not like you're affected anyway. Why, am I tiring you? That might be useful, you would wish to die sooner." Seulgi retorted.

"What I am saying is, you don't have to become one, because you're already one. That night when you asked me to step back on the ledge, was the night you have become one. I was trying so hard to escape, but you held me back. Trapping me once again in our reality's black hole: life. And I can't escape it now. There's no other way, unless you decide to stop being one."

"I don't get it."

Jongin closed his eyes for a moment, exhaling a heavy breath before speaking, wanting to make every single word he's gonna say leave an imprint in Seulgi's mind.

"Remember this, Seulgi. When you decide to die, you have to let go of everything. Maybe the reason why you can't just do this whole alone is because you're holding onto many things. So don't blame such black holes because they do not affect you. You are your own black hole, Seulgi. You're unknowingly draining what's left of you through your incapacity to let go. So what I'm asking of you is to stop being one. Maybe you'll see the world clearer and find your safe escape sooner," Jongin paused briefly to heave a heavy sigh from his chest,

"With or without me."

**********

Hello. It took me a while, it's been a tough week. My Chemistry exam was such a pain in the . The next updtae might take a while, too. Preparing for Calculus exams. I would love to hear from you. X