The moment I realized he left me again, I saw my world crumbled right before me. I couldn’t stop crying that night and I had almost gotten myself drunk. Well, Bom said that I was really drunk and insisted that I should go home. I looked like a total mess that night and I wouldn’t blame Bom if she won’t accompany me home. Well, she kind of insisted to send me to my apartment if TOP hadn’t called. She hesitated to leave me at first knowing how pathetic I look but I had managed to make my charm work on her. She finally went to meet with TOP when I said that Youngbae will bring me home. True enough, it was him who brought me to my apartment. It was a good thing that Youngbae hadn’t left yet and was able to accompany me in going home.

I looked like a mess, I know. My make-up was smudged on my face and I probably looked like a clown in a circus. But that time, I could care less. I could only feel the searing pain being implanted in my chest. It was as if I was destined to feel that way, it was as if I was destined to be left alone by the man that I have come to love. Pathetic. I look pathetic. My life was pathetic. Yes, it was.

I gave up my engagement because I thought I would be happier if I was with him. But the lucky mortal whom I fallen in love with, who was under the name of Kwon Jiyong, had left again. He left me tear-stained, messy, pathetic, and broken.

It has been three years since that happened, and now, I was hanging out with Youngbae in the club he was working at. I’m not really a party girl and I don’t normally go out of the house unless needed. But during those three years that I was nursing my heart, once a month, when Bom is not around, I’d come to go and hangout with Youngbae in this club, drinking my guts out while trying to forget. He had been kind enough to keep me company even after I broke his heart. He’s really a nice person, I can tell.

During those three long years, like any girl would, I tried to divert my attention to other things especially work. I had completely gone oblivious to the world of love and I was enjoying the time of my life being single. But somehow, every time I would see Bom and TOP together, I couldn’t help but feel a bit jealous. How come my friend was happy and I am not?

And then a tiny voice inside me will always retort back, “If you didn’t break your engagement with Youngbae, you could have been married…and you could have been happier.”

I would chuckle at myself for even thinking of that but a part of me would always say that at some point it has been right while the other would counter it back. My mind will always be like a battlefield where my rational and irrational side will battle. Maybe I won’t be so jealous with Bom if I really got married too…but I know that the contentment will only be achieved if the guy was Jiyong. Pathetic, right? Oh, so this is how it feels like to be pathetic. It the life out of me.

The time when he left, I was planning of drinking only for that night just to forget. I said I’m gonna stop as soon as I got over him. I’m not really a drinker. And I don’t want to waste my life by drinking such alcoholic drinks. That was the plan that I’ve formulated in my mind.

And besides, this isn’t a girl’s way of forgetting. A girl should be crying on her room or trying to divert her attention to other things—fashion, boys, and other fun things—unfortunately, that doesn’t work on me anymore. I tried. Bom knows how hard I tried. But sometimes, I would still find myself staring in space and thinking it all over again as to why did he left me in the first place when I was ready to fight for him?

It was creepy. I am creeping myself out. I had come to learn that I couldn’t possibly forget him if I’m in my rational self. My pride was high—and it was killing me. My only resort now was to escape. And this is my way of forgetting.

“Stop it, Dara. Come on, I’ll bring you home.” Youngbae got my glass of liquor and place it away from me.

We were in a club right now drinking our guts out. Well, what do you expect me to do in the club? Flirt and mingle with the crowd? No-uh. I was never that kind of woman. I would’ve done better than try to seek love through dancing ily and squeezing myself between the sweaty and sticky bodies of those on the dance floor. Yuck. 

I wouldn’t really have been drinking this much if Youngbae hasn’t brought up the topic of marriage. He was asking me if I would be willing to go on blind dates so he could match up someone for me. We had agreed that we can’t change the fact that we see each other as friends only and we cannot go deeper than that. So, Youngbae was trying to match me with other guys and I could only gape at him when he brought it up. He was irritating me to the point he was willing to usher me in a blind date. A blind date, seriously?!

I tried to grab it back but he just holds me firmly in place. I looked at him in protest but I was stopped when I saw his face. It was the same look he’d given me when he saw me kissing with Jiyong. His face looked as if he regretted letting me go…it was as if he regretted confronting me about it…because probably if he doesn’t interfere, I would still be with Jiyong right now.

“Dara-ah..” he looked at me with that pain expression making me feel guilty.

I was drunk alright, but I still knew what I’m doing. I’m not numb and I can still feel pain. I maybe out of my rational self and shame was probably a bit out of my system right now but—seeing him looking that way at me made me feel guilty. So it was a lie, huh? They say alcohol can make you forget, but no. It could only make the pain go deeper. There is no escape in this harsh reality. I have no escape.

“Bae…” my voice was a bit slurred, “D-Don’t give me that look again. I’ll seriously pluck your eyes from your sockets if you keep wearing that guilty look.”

He looked at me half-amused and half-worried, “Since when did you become this brutal?”

My answer was too quick and out of impulse, “Since that bastard friend of yours left me.” I laughed scornfully. Ahh. The bitter taste of alcohol is surely beginning to take its effect on me.

“Dara, it’s been three years…” Youngbae looked at me sadly and I waved my forefinger on his face comically.

“Shhh. Nonsense. I moved on already…and..I-I wash jusht kidding you nyow…” my last words were all slurred now. Great, what am I saying?! Thanks to the alcohol I’ve been pouring in my stomach since we got here.

“Come on, I’ll take you home…” he said and tried to help me get on my feet but I stubbornly held my place on the high chair.

“Bae…will you just leave me alone for a minute...” it’s funny how my words would alternately sound slurred and normal.

I closed my eyes trying to regain my sight. The bright lights of the club weren’t helping me adjust my vision. I could almost see two Youngbae’s looking at me intently. And I could feel myself feeling drowsy as well. I think I should really go home. He was right; I’m just making myself remember everything. It’s been three years…there’s no need to be nostalgic over it.

“Bae…” I called him wishing he hasn’t really obeyed my previous command.

“Hmm?” he replied and I could only smile a little. Stubborn, as usual.

“I want to go home.” I said fixing myself and trying to stand up which I miserably failed on.

He lent me a hand and supported me until I got down the high chair. He paid our bill, and helped me walk out the club. I was staggering on my way but he never let my hands go. I tried to focus on the way but my eyes are really getting dizzy and I had the feeling of wanting to vomit. I controlled myself from spilling anything afraid that I might embarrass Youngbae. After few minutes, we were out on the streets and he was bringing me home.

We reached my place in no time and he apparently punched the keycode hastily before guiding me inside. He knew the keycode of my apartment because we always do this together—going to club, drinking, and going home drunk. And he was the only one who would come home without filling liquor in his system. I guess I turned out bad, eh?

He tended to me for awhile while getting me a glass of water. He shoved it into me and even assisted me in the bathroom when I began throwing up. I shooed him away when I had the urge to pee but after I was done with it, he hastily assisted me again and tuck me to bed. He then whispered me goodnight before leaving.

When he left and closed the door shut, tears automatically sprung in my eyes and I curved into a tiny ball while crying my guts out silently. My shoulders were shaking and my breath hitched as I tried to control my sobs from escaping my lips. I’ve always been like this every time. It feels like air was being out of me. It’s been three good years and until now I still couldn’t believe that I was alone—hopeless romantic despite the fact of fighting for my feelings back then. I guess it was never a fair fight, wasn’t it?

Youngbae has been really a good friend to me. He’s been very patient as well. I felt guilty sometimes when I was with him because he’s been too nice to me. I even wondered why I didn’t come to love him instead. At least, he’s always there when I need him, at least he won’t leave me alone, at least he was the one hoping and not me. I cried harder.

It was good thing that Bom had flown herself to France to check a good place where we can branch out our restaurant. We had been pretty successful and our business was growing. It’s our agreement that she does all the meetings with people while I stay hands-on in our branches in Korea. If Bom was here, she wouldn’t allow me to go clubbing with Youngbae. If she was here, she wouldn’t let me cry my hearts out over this heartbreak that has long happened.

When I was young, I used to be the heartbreaker. I used to be the one who reject people. I used to be the one who inflict the pain in their hearts. Ironically as it seems, the only person whom I came to really like was inflicting me the same pain I inflicted people years ago. Revenge does seem sweet, eh?

Tears kept pouring in my eyes as I sobbed quietly. This is going to be a long night.

----

I woke up with a terrible headache awaiting me. I crinkled my nose as I tried to block the sunlight from further hurting my eyes. I bet Youngbae parted the curtains before he left. It’s a routine for him already whenever he drops me in my place every time I’m drunk which rarely happens when Bom is here. I staggered my way towards the kitchen to fix myself a cup of coffee. The aroma of freshly brewed coffee filled my nostrils awakening every single nerve cell in my body. I grinned totally forgetting why I cried myself to sleep last night.

I sat in the kitchen in silence why sipping my coffee trying to forget whatever I did last night. Whenever I’m with rational self, all the bitterness would die down—everything is fine. I am a tough, excellent woman who can face all the curveballs thrown to her way. But whenever I get drunk, my vulnerable self would resurface.

Just then, my doorbell rang. I creased my forehead as I pondered who could be looking for me early in the morning. Is Bom back? Does Youngbae decided to drop by to see how I survived last night? I chuckled as I come straddling my way to open the door. I wasn’t really expecting anyone right now so it might be either of the two. As I am about to open, I stole a glance on my clothes to see if I look decent and smiled after knowing that Youngbae helped me dress up last night.

He practically threw me my PJs when I finished peeing and he waited again outside so I can change. I smiled as I remember how lucky I am to meet Youngbae. Any girl would be lucky to have him. But that’s just not me. I open the door as I raked my hands on my hair to fix myself a bit.

“Yes?” I asked the moment I opened and the door but stopped abruptly upon looking at my visitor.

I couldn’t speak anything as my eyes locked at the familiar deep brown eyes with burning intensity. Then I tore off my gaze and wandered aimlessly on his whole being. He looked freshly showered and I could smell soap and his sweet manly scent hugging his skin. He was wearing a white v-neck shirt and faded jeans. His hands were calmly inserted on his pockets. He was wearing a cap and he was looking intently at me. There’s only one question running in my mind now despite all the words I wanted to tell him.

Why was he here?

“Hey!” He smiled casually while I stood there stiffly.

“Uhm, are you not going to let me in?” he asked softly noticing my figure blocking the path inside.

I could feel the contours of my jaw tightening and my breathing becoming rugged. I pressed my lips together as I brought my gaze down. I was still in daze and apparently my smart brain couldn’t think of anything proper to say.

I know I couldn’t act mad at him just because he left me. Holy peter, he didn’t even know my feelings for him! If I act too enthusiastic, he might notice it and conclude that I was just faking it and he would think that I’m mad. No—no. I don’t want that to happen. He might be angry and he’ll lea—wait! Why do I even care right now on what he would think? And why am I being panicky about this? I’m seriously going insane.

I brought my eyes to look at him again and I felt a sudden churn in my stomach. I held my breath as my roamed on his features again—memorizing every single detail on his face and barely aware of my surroundings. I could feel the fast racing of my heart inside my chest. I just knew I have to memorize his face, so that I would still remember him in case he leaves me again.

I tiny shot of pain pricked my heart when it dawned into me. I am being pathetic again. I am being desperate to see his face that I look pathetic even to myself. Until when should I wait for you, Jiyong? You came back but—are you willing to stay? Are you just teasing me with your presence? Aren’t you tired playing hide-and-seek with me?

“Why are you here?” my voice sounded so cold despite I was aching to touch him inwardly.

He looked surprised at my cold treatment as I was with myself. When did I learn to be this cold?

“I’m sorry…” his smile disappeared as he bowed his head.

“Ani—sorry for being rude…” I said quickly while I looked down contemplating if I should let him in or not, “Come in…Jiyong.” I mustered all my courage to say his name and headed in the living room with him trailing behind.

I was surprised that I look calm and composed outside when I was barely breathing inside.

He smiled thriftily as he helped himself inside my apartment. I led him to the living room and he made himself comfortable on the couch. I asked casually if he had breakfast and he nodded in assurance. I went to get him a glass of orange juice instead. I felt my hands trembling while I poured