Jackson’s knees hit the ground and the only thing stopping him from falling flat on the trampled mud were his aching palms planted in the muck. He was gasping for breath as beads of sweat rolled down his face, he could actually see them dripping down to mix with the brown soil that had been moistened by early spring rain. The guard squeezed his eyes shut to gather his wits, gulping air and willing his arms not to give out. This last leg of training was more than severe – it was hell.

Jaebum watched as Jackson crouched low on the ground, the visiting guard’s back bowed as he fought for air. Jaebum was no better. His legs had barely any energy left in them to keep him upright. In fact, he was leaning his weight on his sword that he had stabbed into the ground next to him. It was another duel and this time, Jaebum won again but it was because he knew Jackson was distracted. For the last couple of weeks Jackson seemed to have something on his mind which made him faze out at odd times much to his disadvantage. This was one of those times. Jaebum had managed a well angled blow to Jackson’s abdomen which was what had brought the visiting guard to his knees. And Jaebum was frustrated. At any other time, he knew Jackson would have countered the blow and so he had not held back in his swing but there his opponent was, on the ground, defeated. If this happened in the tournament, all would be lost.

The thought chilled him and the fear caused Jaebum to march over to where Jackson was to give him a stronger than necessary nudge to the other’s side with his shin. “Get up, Jackson,” Jaebum said but the guard merely rolled over and lay spread out on the ground. He studied Jackson’s face but could see nothing except exhaustion. “What wrong with you?” Jaebum demanded.

Opening his eyes, Jackson chose not to turn his head to look at Jaebum though his friend was practically towering over him. Instead, Jackson looked up at the sky, overcast in grey because of darkened clouds. It was probably going to rain again.

“You’ve been losing focus far too often. What is it?” asked Jaebum, exasperation bleeding into his voice.

‘What is it?’ thought Jackson, ‘everything.’ Everything that he thought he knew about himself had now become uncertain. His very motive and foundation upon which he built his purpose in life was in question. Everything in his life had become mixed up, complex. Everything, Jackson wanted to answer but he couldn’t.

“If you continue being like this, you won’t win,” Jaebum challenged Jackson, trying to ignite the fighting spirit that he had so admired about the younger guard.

‘I know I won’t be able to fight like this. I know I should handle this. I should get over this,’ thought Jackson, again answering only in his mind so Jaebum never heard his responses. ‘But how? There are so many things that I can’t figure out. I’ve trained, fought and desired nothing more than to be a knight. It was out of loyalty, utter loyalty. At least I that’s what I thought but now,’ groaned Jackson, ‘is it because of love?’

That was the problem. That was the Gordian knot he could not untie. Love? He felt guilty, like he had done his prince wrong. Who was he to love the prince? He was a mere guard, an orphan with unknown origins. Someone who got into trouble more often than not. No matter how hard he trained or how good he became at fighting, nothing of that mattered because it did nothing to mask his station in society. Love his prince? Oh, that was preposterous! Of course his prince deserved love, in fact, Jackson was ready to declare it to anyone he met and fight anyone who disagreed. His royal highness Prince Mark deserved to be loved, deserved to be adored. His prince deserved everything.

But not from him. Not from Jackson. Jackson wasn’t worthy to love his prince.

That very thought which often made Jackson’s heart sink into oblivion caused him to close his eyes again, to shut out Jaebum’s accusing gaze. It was always the thought of him being unworthy that made him want to retch. He felt horrible, disgusted with himself. He couldn’t explain it, but he felt that he had betrayed his prince who had trusted him as a guard, as a friend for here he was supposedly in love with someone hopelessly beyond his reach, someone he had no right to love. It all seemed so… dark. Jackson clenched his jaw to stop himself from screaming as he squeezed his eyes shut.

Seeing Jackson lie unfeelingly on the ground right at his feet made something in the older guard snap. Jackson had deliberately chosen to disregard him one time too many.

Jaebum reached down, grasped the collar and front of Jackson’s tunic and roughly hauled the younger one to his feet. “Get a hold of yourself!” Jaebum yelled, shouting right at Jackson’s face but Jackson didn’t respond. “Where is your honour? Where is your pride?” the older guard hissed through clenched teeth. “Where is that Jackson who believed in doing his best no matter the circumstances?” but there was no response except for a further droop of Jackson’s head. Jaebum didn’t know if he wanted to punch Jackson or cry in disappointment and frustration. Probably both. There was no time for this now, there wasn’t time to select and train someone else.

“Jackson, we need you to win the tournament. We have to. You have no idea how important this is.” Still no response. Seeing Jackson with no fight in him suddenly made Jaebum’s anger evaporate as well. Jaebum sensed that no matter how much he screamed and kicked at Jackson, the younger guard won’t return back to his former self. Jaebum heaved a sigh and placed a hand on each of Jackson’s shoulders. The younger guard just stood there, still downcast and lost.

“Jackson,” Jaebum tried again, this time his tone was resigned, quiet but still commanding. The difference from screaming, shouting and cursing was probably what got through to the younger guard. Jaebum waited until the other finally turned to meet his eyes. “I don’t know what’s wrong but you can talk to me, you know that?” asked Jaebum, dipping his head slightly so that he was eye-level with Jackson. He studied the troubled brown eyes while he tried to show his sincerity in his. He was worried about Jackson and he squeezed the younger guard’s shoulders reassuringly.

This time, Jackson reacted. He bit his lip to stop himself from bursting into tears. All the festering confusion and doubt and guilt swirled in a horrible concoction that made Jackson want to scream his throat hoarse at the heavens. At times he thought he could just get on with life and ignore the realisation that now plagued his every waking moment. At other times, he just wanted to escape from everything, to go somewhere where no one knew his name, where nothing would remind him of his prince. At that moment, however, what Jackson wanted was a hug. Sniffling, he stepped forwards and wrapped his arms around Jaebum’s torso and buried his face in the older guard’s broad shoulder.

Jaebum was stunned but reacted instantly, one arm winding around Jackson’s body while the other reached up to rest at the back of Jackson’s head. In all the time he had known Jackson, this was the one time he felt that Jackson was truly young – young not in terms of age but in terms of his experiences. He knew Jackson’s background, for the younger could speak of it without feeling much sense of loss at having never known his parents, and Jackson often told him about interesting things that just seem to happen to him. It wasn’t that things didn’t happen to Jackson. Jackson knew about suffering and hardship. He had deep thoughts as well. That existential conversation they had by the stables was something Jaebum didn’t think he’d ever forget. Emotionally, however, Jackson was always ready to trust people, to open his heart to others, to see things in a simple uncomplicated light. If Jackson was angry, he was angry. If he was happy, he was happy. Jaebum partly admired Jackson for that but he knew things were rarely that simple.

“I…,” murmured Jackson as his face was squashed against Jaebum’s shoulder blade, “I don’t know how to get over this.”

“This?” asked Jaebum, the fingers of his hand that had been holding Jackson’s head now started to rub the back of Jackson’s neck in hopes that it’ll urge him to talk. “What’s this?”

Jackson’s response was to grunt and press his forehead harder against Jaebum’s chest. “I can’t tell you,” said Jackson, “I just can’t.” He couldn’t tell Jaebum because he thought that the older guard would be disappointed in him. What individual with any self-respect would fall in love with a prince? There was no happy ending for such a love because there was no possibility of the prince loving someone like him back. It was all a fool’s errand and the sooner he could end his emotions the better… and yet, at the same time, he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to let go?

When Jackson refused to say anything else, Jaebum drew back, sliding his hand along the back of Jackson’s neck to the younger’s jaw in order to lift the other’s face towards his. Jaebum saw the uncertainty, fear and large eyes that were not sparkling with life but shining because of unshed tears. “Jackson,” breathed Jaebum, his voice tender as his thumb caressed Jackson’s chin, “what’s wrong? You can tell me. I’m your friend.”

The concern that Jaebum was showing him then and there tugged at his heart. He blinked to clear away the tears as he shook his head. “Not now. Maybe, someday,” muttered Jackson, sniffling again but his arms had not fallen away from Jaebum’s body. He just needed someone to hug, someone concrete, someone who reminded Jackson that his dark thoughts were not all he had.

Jaebum knew he couldn’t press the issue any further so he nodded, his fingers still holding Jackson’s chin so that he could tilt it downwards slightly so that Jaebum could rest his forehead against the other. “I trust you, Jackson, you know that right?”

Jackson gulped, seeing Jaebum’s eyes that were usually sharp fill with care made the guilt in him increase and now, his soul was burdened with the awareness that he was dragging Jaebum and the other knights in training down. He was not fulfilling his responsibility as his kingdom’s representative and neither was he being a good friend to Jaebum. Jackson drew a shaky breath to calm himself, closing his eyes for a moment to gather whatever composure he had. “I know, Jaebum,” he replied before adding in a hushed voice, “and thank you.”

Completely acting on impulse, Jaebum threw both arms around Jackson and gave him the strongest hug he could as if he could squeeze the problems and anxieties out of Jackson’s body. It was only when the younger began tapping frantically on his back did he release Jackson who immediately began gulping air which Jaebum had deprived him off.

“You…” wheezed Jackson, “a friend wouldn’t… *gasp* try to kill me.” Jackson was almost doubled over, his body sore and aching from the day’s training but the warmth and strength of Jaebum’s embrace lingered. It felt nice, it felt reassuring so the glare he shot at the other guard was a mixture of accusation as well as gratitude.

“Anytime, Jackson,” chuckled Jaebum, “anytime.” He clapped Jackson hard on the shoulder and pulled him upright again in order to sling his arm around the younger’s neck. He dragged Jackson to the mess hall and he was glad to see some life return. Whatever had bogged him down during training seemed to go away for a bit but Jaebum knew it was something Jackson had just pushed aside temporarily. That night, right before they parted ways, Jaebum gave Jackson another hug but this time, the gesture was accompanied by heavy words.

“Jackson, you will have to get over whatever it is you’re going through by the time the tournament begins.” Jaebum looked seriously into Jackson’s eyes that were now mildly tinged with the returning anxiety. It pained Jaebum to push Jackson like this but they had no choice. Ordinarily, he would give Jackson all the personal time he needed to sort things out but this situation was urgent. Time was a luxury they could not afford. “Promise me, Jackson. Before the tournament,” repeated Jaebum.

All Jackson could do was nod. He knew he had to work his way out of the labyrinth that had become his state of mind. He would have to, for Jaebum’s sake as well as his kingdom’s honour. Jackson made to turn away towards his bedchamber but Jaebum caught him by his shoulders again.

“We have to win, Jackson,” insisted Jaebum, “we have to.”

Again, Jackson nodded but he was beginning to feel that Jaebum was being unkind. He was already a mess mentally and the last thing he needed was the pressure to win. He had never thought Jaebum to be the kind of individual who placed winning above sportsmanship. Even in duels, he had thought that Jaebum was motivated by a desire to compete, to test one’s skills – certainly not this overwhelming need for victory. That hadn’t mattered, Jackson thought. It was the fight and effort that counted, not who would wear the victor’s robes at the end of the tournament. Disgruntled, he shook off Jaebum’s hands, wished him good night and headed to his room. Jackson had a lot to think about.

***

Jackson was still stuck.

He had gotten better at focusing during training but in reality, Jackson knew he was using the tournament to escape from dealing with his feelings. Ever since the last time Jaebum had basically beaten the wind out of his body, he had resolved to not disappoint his friend again. If this tournament meant so much to Jaebum, he would try his best to win it for him. Thinking about Jaebum was also helpful because with Jaebum occupying his thoughts, it left little room for someone else. This strategy worked fine when he was with Jaebum but when he was alone… when his defences were down… That was why Jackson would spend every last ounce of his energy so that he could collapse into bed and immediately drift into a dreamless sleep.

Finally, training was over and Jaebum had ordered that all the participants rest so that their bodies would be in their best condition when the tournament began. Most of the others cheered but Jackson’s enthusiasm for a break was lacklustre. Not training meant that he wouldn’t be tired enough and not being tired meant that his sleep would be punctuated with visions of his prince’s various expressions and the sound of his laughter. Some moments had been so real that Jackson woke up with a start thinking that his prince was right there with him. When all he saw was his darkened room devoid of any living being but himself, his heart would drop and twist as if his soul were being wrung by cruel hands.

It hurt.

If this is what love is, it hurt.

And he would fall asleep feeling miserable, his eyes intentionally avoiding the bottom-most drawer of the dresser in his room. Right after his last lesson with Jinyoung, Jackson had rushed back to his room, removed all the letters that he had carefully arranged according to date from a drawer of his night stand, bundled them up with string, wrapped a piece of cloth around the pile and had shoved it into the furthermost reaches of a drawer he never used. Those letters that he had treasured were now evidence of his dishonesty and betrayal of his royal highness’ trust. He would never look upon them again and neither would be ever write another letter. With the package, he had placed the small leather pouch that he had worn since the day he first received it. Previously precious, it was now a stark symbol of his dishonourable intentions towards his royal highness.

Jackson didn’t talk about it to anyone. Jaebum, true to his word, did not pry but gave Jackson allowance to do and say whatever he wanted especially when a particular mood descended on the younger. All Jaebum did in those moments was to give Jackson an extra hug and out of his gloominess by making jokes that were not in the least bit witty but it usually got a smile from Jackson. Or, Jaebum would grab two tankards of beer, shove one into Jackson’s hands and settle down next to the younger guard in companionable silence. Jackson was grateful because he knew that all this was Jaebum showing Jackson that if he ever did need someone, the older would be there for him.

Little did Jackson know, Jaebum’s actions and attentiveness of late were also the result of not only his personal regard for the younger guard but also what Prince Jinyoung had told him in confidence. His prince had not said much except that Jackson had received news which he had difficulty in dealing with. Jinyoung did not tell Jaebum everything but the prince hinted enough for Jaebum to guess that it was a matter of the heart. It made Jaebum regret how harshly he had treated Jackson on the training grounds and despite resolving to be more lenient, Jackson had not put a foot wrong since. When Jaebum asked why the writing lessons were not continuing, Jackson had just shrugged and said he wanted to focus on the tournament alone. The younger guard trained the most, stayed out the longest, worked the hardest – and it all caused Jaebum to worry more. It was clear that Jackson was fighting another battle – against himself.

Four days before the start of the tournament, Jaebum stood to make an announcement in the mess hall at the start of the day. Jackson put down his plate that he had threatened to empty over Wonpil’s lap to listen, arm still slung over the other’s shoulder whom he had come to know quite well over the course of the past few months.

“The tournament’s representatives will be arriving from this afternoon,” said Jaebum, amplifying his voice that was usually low and garbled if he didn’t feel the need to speak clearly, “I know we are resting but we have to be good hosts. I trust all of you will extend every form of courtesy to our visitors.”

Those around the table nodded. Jackson did too but not with the usual anticipation he felt when it came to meeting new people. Hearing of the other participants arriving only made the tournament more of a reality – a tournament that he was not ready emotionally and mentally ready for. Still, he reminded himself that he was the only representative from his kingdom so far and he would die rather than put his kingdom in disrepute. Thus, he was ever friendly and welcoming to the new representatives he would soon be competing with.

He noted that most of them did not come alone. Some were accompanied by their mentors who were themselves honoured knights who have proved their mettle. Some were accompanied by fellow countrymen who were there as replacements should anything untoward befall on their chosen representative.

It was an odd environment to be in for behind the smiles and handshakes, Jackson could see that they were all sizing each other up, trying to get a read on their opponents before the start of the tournament. It was unsettling and Jackson did not like the atmosphere. Jaebum had warned that there might be intimidation tactics before the tournament and that not everyone acted with honour though most would. It was horrible to question the intentions of others, to think about what he could say or not say in order not to give away too much of their training. It was all secretive and Jackson knew he had a tendency to just chatter so he was taking extra effort to control himself.

Being the host kingdom, Jinyoung had organised events for the visitors who were interested in unwinding a little. While some declined because they preferred to resume training, some gladly headed down to one of the taverns for some good ale. With the intention of not allowing himself to think or be alone where he’d be engulfed in horrible thoughts, Jackson joined the group that was heading for a night out in town.

The whole kingdom was decked for the festivities complete with a carnival and street performances by wandering troops who had travelled far and wide to be part of the event. Held every once in a few years, it was the highlight of many and tradesmen in particular were delighted. Happiest of all, however, were the innkeepers for not only were there foreign participants. People from different kingdoms came to watch the tournament as well. All in all, the harvest festival couldn’t compare to the happenings then.

Jackson made idle chatter with those he was with but he was careful not to overdo things. Ever since that night he had fallen ill because of alcohol, Jackson had developed a slight distaste for it. He could still drink but certainly not much. In the midst of nursing the one mug he was limiting himself to, his attention fell on a man who was raising a ruckus by re-enacting an adventure he had experienced with enthusiastic sound effects and actions. It involved a wild chase after an infamous and wanted fugitive through a god-forsaken woods b with dangerous wild animals. At one point, another man in the audience, for everyone in the tavern was listening to the man’s tale, was roped in to act as the fugitive and the story teller was giving a blow by blow account of their sword fight.

The story itself was interesting (Jackson wondered how much of it was true and how much was exaggeration) but Jackson found watching the man interesting as well. The man’s expressiveness was something that Jackson found he could identify with. The man’s voice itself had an odd tone. It sounded very much like suppressed shouting mixed with an odd accent. He was also clearly middle-aged at the very least with a very broad square jaw and veins that were clearly etched on his extremely tanned skin. Jackson guessed that he must be one of the mentors for the man seemed too old to participate in the tournament but had the physique of a man who still trained regularly.

The story ended and those in the tavern sank back into scattered conversations, or bawdy laughter depending on the number of drained tankards. Jackson, however, had not left his seat that he had taken from when he first walked into the tavern. It was close to the fireplace that the innkeeper still kept going because spring nights were still chilly and at the moment, the corner where Jackson was sitting was deserted. His friends or the other visitors had wandered off to talk to others while Jackson just couldn’t bring himself to do so. Even though he had come with the intention of forgetting his problems, his mind flitted back to his encounters with his prince. When did his feelings start changing? When did he begin to think of his prince as more than just a superior? When did he begin to desire to be someone special?

Jackson had to swallow a glug of drink in guilt as his eyes stared at the glowing red embers of the fire. When did he disgrace the prince by actually loving him?

So engrossed was he in his thoughts that he did not notice when someone came to sit beside him. In fact, he would have continued being ignorant of his new neighbour had not the individual deliberately nudged his arm with enough force to slosh some of the drink unto his lap. Startled with a yelp, he looked next to him to find that it was the man who had been telling the story just now.

“H-hi,” stammered Jackson, realising how tall and big the man seemed.

“Hey there,” the man replied before breaking into a wide grin. “What are you doing here all by your lonesome self?”

“Lone – oh, my friends are right there,” Jackson answered as he gestured with a hand towards where Wonpil and the others were gathered around a table, probably listening to another story.

“No, I mean alone now,” explained the man who in turn gestured at the empty corner Jackson had occupied.

“Oh, that,” responded Jackson. As he was thinking of the reason why he wasn’t in the thick of things, he remembered what had caused him to drown in sullen silence. His expression must have darkened visibly because the man deliberately made to interrupt his thoughts.

“Name’s Joon,” said the man, sticking out a hand for a handshake.

After only a moment’s hesitation, just enough to pull himself out of his reverie, Jackson grasps Joon’s hand. He noted that the man’s grip was very firm and there was much strength in his wrist. He must be a great knight. For the first time since Joon came to sit next to him, Jackson studied Joon’s features. Before this, he had been mildly interested in the man as a storyteller. Now, he was interested in who Joon was.

“Joon, nice to meet you. I’m Jackson,” he replied.

“Jackson eh? Nice name,” Joon quipped. “You’re one of the representatives, aren’t you?” When Jackson nodded an affirmative, Joon smirked, “Well I bet my lad Taecyeon will be tough competition. He’s the one over there,” said Joon, pointing towards one of the tallest men in the room, complete with broad shoulders and strapping figure.

“Oh,” Jackson responded, “He seems like a good fighter.” With the compliment, Jackson gave Joon a small smile that was somewhat forced before looking back at the fire. If it had been any other time, Jackson would have bombarded Joon with questions about his background, his place of origin, about Taecyeon and the like but at that moment, Jackson just did not feel like himself. Thus, in spite of his slight curiosity before, Jackson couldn’t bring himself to continue the conversation.

Joon allowed Jackson to be silent for a while before suddenly clapping Jackson hard on the shoulder.

“Ow,” yelped Jackson, both in surprise and pain because the clap had been quite strong. Was Joon being deliberately mean or did the man not know his own strength? Pouting, he asked, “What was that for?”

“Tsk,” Joon replied with a click of his tongue and leaned back against the wall as he stretched his arms up high before folding them behind his head as a makeshift pillow. “You’ve got a problem,” Joon stated, “and that’s not going to help you in the tournament.”

Jackson could not hold back a bitter scoff. Most people who looked long enough would be able to see that. Of course he was not in a good state to fight. He had been fairly stable during training but there was no telling how he would react in a pressured situation especially in a duel fought in front of a large audience which included royalty like – Jackson’s stomach squirmed unpleasantly. He felt the bile rise in his throat again and… and he just did not know what to do. Pretending he was alright did not help and he was not sure if talking to people would. He had come out tonight to not be left alone with his thoughts but now, for some illogical reason, he wished that Joon would leave so that he could be alone again.

“You won’t be able to fight well like this,” Joon repeated when Jackson kept silent.

That got a response out of Jackson who retorted in a cutting tone, “That’s all the better for your representative, is it not?” Jackson’s eyes remained fixed on the fire ahead of them. 

The older man was oddly undeterred by the sullen reaction. Indeed, his concern grew deeper as he watched Jackson’s eyes fill with an emotion that seemed very much like anger but at what and at whom, Joon had no idea. It tugged at his conscience to see a young man so troubled.

“I won’t want Taecyeon to win against an opponent who did not try his best,” Joon commented without a hint of annoyance in his voice. He tried to make his voice warm, open, in hopes of encouraging Jackson to talk.

Joon’s unexpected reaction made Jackson feel guilty instantly. How could he act without courtesy to others just because he was not able to manage his emotional state? Especially to a visitor as well as an experienced knight of another kingdom. Swallowing, Jackson apologised in a clear voice, tearing his gaze away from the fire to see that the other’s expression was gentle. It was a contrast to the loud and exuberant demeanour Joon had had when he had been telling his story and also a contrast to the strong features of his face.

Joon clapped Jackson’s shoulder with the palm of his hand again but this time, it was kinder. Jackson knew the gesture meant that there were no hard feelings and Joon had not taken offense. Relieved that at least Jackson did not have to go to bed with another thing weighing on his mind, he gave Joon a more sincere smile but it lasted only for a moment before his head hung low again.

“Hey,” said Joon, shaking Jackson’s shoulder slightly, “if you need someone to listen, you can talk to me, got that?”

Jackson turned his head to look at Joon who offered his time so sincerely. “Thank you.”

Joon nodded and with a firmer grasp of Jackson’s shoulder as a good bye, the older man got up and ambled over to where Taecyeon was.

Jackson watched him go and Joon slung an arm over Taecyeon’s shoulders even though his representative was clearly that much taller than him for the gesture to be completely comfortable. The gesture seemed fatherly to Jackson and it reminded him of Captain Paul whom he missed after being away for so long. Maybe that’s whom he needed right now. A father figure who had experienced more in life which most likely included falling in and out of ‘love’, someone who could give Jackson some perspective about this whole thing.  However, he knew he wouldn’t be able to tell Captain Paul about his emotional turmoil – not when his royal highness was the object of it. Jackson groaned as the haze descended upon his consciousness again. This won’t do. He couldn’t let this continue any longer. At the very least, he could not represent his kingdom by performing badly. He especially could not disappoint Jaebum who wanted to win so badly.

Maybe he would take Joon up on his offer after all.

***

Jackson sought for the most opportune moment to approach Joon and when evening came the next day, the young guard managed to ask the man out to the edge of the castle grounds where the stables were.

“Do we have to talk here?” complained Joon who had wrinkled his nose at the stench of a pile of mess nearby. It wasn’t so bad in winter but as spring wore on and the weather got warmer, the stench grew stronger as well.

“Oh,” Jackson said, not realising that Joon might be uncomfortable with the place. He had assumed that Joon would be used to the smell. Jackson didn’t really mind it, perhaps he might have developed an immunity to it already. “We can take a walk then? Across the fields?”

Joon nodded in agreement and off they went. They walked on in silence for quite a while. The sound of long grass rustling as they moved accompanied by the sounds of nature as the day drew to a close were all that Joon heard. He glanced at Jackson whose face was still as troubled as it had been yesterday. What was it that could weigh down the spirit of a young man like this? He waited. He had time after all. He did not bear active duty as a knight for this visit and as a trainer, he had nothing else to do because Taecyeon was more than capable of taking care of himself. Speaking of which, Taecyeon better not be goofing off somewhere. He’d better be doing something productive like scouting out the competition field, checking the firmness of the soil whether there would be grip. Speaking of which, he should be doing that too. Maybe later –

A muffled sound from Jackson drew Joon’s attention who realised guiltily that the young one had been trying to address him for a few moments. Abashed, he gave Jackson an apologetic smile and encouraged Jackson to speak again with an interested ‘hmm’.

Jackson cleared his throat. He was actually glad Joon had not heard his miserable initial attempt at voicing his worry. He had spent most of the previous night trying to figure out how to best present his dilemma while hiding enough information to make sure that nothing would implicate his royal highness but his efforts seemed to be of no use. The moment he could wrench his mouth open and say anything, it was a garbled jumble of confused phrases that did not make sense even to him. Thankful that Joon had missed it, Jackson took a deep breath and tried again.

“What would you do if,” ventured Jackson with a glance at Joon to make sure he was listening. “What if you feel something you’re not supposed to feel?”

“Uh, not supposed to feel?” echoed Joon with a tilt of his head. “It’ll depend on what feeling that is.” When Jackson didn’t answer, Joon took a wild guess. “Are you angry with someone?”

“Oh no, nothing like that,” Jackson replied hastily with frantic dismissive waves of his hands. “It’s nothing bad,” Jackson added before pausing as he reflected on his words. “Well, bad, I suppose, depending on how you view it. Then again, it’s not supposed to be a bad feeling? At least, not for other people,” rambled Jackson before clutching his hair in frustration. “Gah! I’m so confused,” he huffed before gritting his teeth. Why were his thoughts and feelings in such a mess?

Joon placed a comforting hand on Jackson’s shoulder and squeezed. “Tell me what it is,” said Joon, “slowly.”

Jackson looked at Joon as they walked and saw his steady countenance, waiting to make sense of what he had to say. Jackson took a deep breath, “I’ve – I mean, I’m in…” but his voice died away. He could not bring himself to say the word ‘love’. Saying it with his own lips would mean admitting that he had dishonoured his royal highness. He firmly believed this but he could not confess. Jackson chewed on the inside of his cheek as he battled with himself. He had to tell Joon if he wanted Joon’s advice and he had come as far as to ask him for help but, at the same time, Jackson just… he couldn’t. He was just so ashamed of himself and his uncontrollable emotions.

“You’re in love?” offered Joon as a suggestion because it seemed obvious to the older man where Jackson’s words had been heading. By the searing look in Jackson’s beseeching eyes, it looked like he had guessed correctly.

“And you’re not supposed to love this person?” Joon asked to which Jackson nodded vehemently, the beseeching look in his eyes now mixed with a plea for help. “May I ask why?” questioned Joon, his tone gentle, coaxing. He knew the younger was desperate but Jackson’s gaze fell to the ground again, seemingly defeated by the question. “I need to know so that I can understand,” Joon urged gently.

At this, Jackson sighed, bit his lip and then mumbled as his head hung low, “I am unworthy. I’m no one, a mere guard.” Jackson glanced up at Joon with a sorry smile. “I have nothing to offer, nothing that would warrant allowing my heart to feel like this.”

“Ah,” exclaimed Joon, “you fell in love with a lady of the court, didn’t you? Nobility? Even royalty?”

Jackson’s immediate response had been to protest and clarify that it was not a lady whom he had unknowingly given his heart to but then he stopped himself for this would be the best way to conceal the matter and protect his royal highness. After all, it was mainly a matter of social hierarchy. Thus, Jackson nodded.

Joon pursed his lips and hummed as he seemed to ponder deeply about the problem. Jackson was watching Joon’s reaction and the older’s hesitancy seemed only to confirm how warped his predicament was. Anyone would have prevented themselves from allowing such emotions to take root. Actually, others would have had the awareness that they were falling in love. The fact was that Jackson had brought this entirely upon himself. Even Joon thought it difficult… was there any hope?

“You know, Jackson, when I first saw how troubled you were, I thought you were going through something horrible,” Joon said, his voice as heavy as the hand that still rested on Jackson’s shoulder, “but it isn’t. This is not a problem at all,” quipped Joon, his tone turning miraculously light-hearted as he grinned down at Jackson. Jackson’s widened disbelieving eyes at his response only prompted Joon to smile even wider. The poor young guard looked so affronted at the flippant way Joon was treating this matter that he looked like he was about to storm off.

“Jackson, Jackson,” repeated Joon warmly, careful not to be too condescending, “you are not the only guard or knight who has fallen for a lady above one’s station. It happens more often than you think.”

“But- but is that not dishonouring the lady?” Jackson asked, incredulous.

“Not as long as you behave honourably,” replied Joon who took it upon himself to elaborate as he pulled Jackson closer so that he could slip his arm around the younger’s neck. “If you fell in love with the intention to disgrace her by actually wooing her, then that would be dishonourable. As guards and knights, we are permitted to love a lady above our station as long as we do so in courtly love.”

“Courtly love? What’s that?” interjected Jackson. He had never heard the term before.

“Courtly love is loving from afar. You use that love you feel as a motivation to protect her, be willing to lose your life for her but you never allow that love to develop into anything. You won’t impose on her affections or expect anything in return because you accept that you shall never be the one to stand beside her in the eyes of others. To put it simply, you love by sacrificing yourself and your desires.” Joon’s explanation was followed by a long silence which Joon left uninterrupted because he knew Jackson was grappling with this new idea. The next time the young guard spoke up, they had walked the circumference of the fields and they were now headed back to the castle.

“That’s, that’s very different from what I’ve heard about love,” mused Jackson, finally speaking up after trying to wrap his head around what Joon had just told him. If, if courtly love was alright, and accepted, then he had not dishonoured his royal highness at all. And if he should continue, it would not a disgrace to his prince! The idea that Jackson did not have to get rid of his feelings was a great relief because he had not been able to stop his feelings despite exerting all his effort to do so since Prince Jinyoung had torn the veil from his eyes. Somewhere deep within him, Jackson knew that even as he battled his emotions by chastising himself, he would not be able to forget his prince and neither did he want to. Now, Joon was telling him of a way to continue loving his royal highness with honour and integrity.

“Well, it’s time you heard a different view of love,” Joon said, smiling again as they reached the castle entrance that was lit by the fire of torches.

Jackson had not realised how late it was and how long he had kept Joon from the older knight’s own tasks. “Thank you, Joon,” heaved Jackson, “it is… you’ve really helped me tremendously.”

“Ah, my pleasure lad. Anytime you want to have a talk,” replied Joon before giving the young guard a strong but brief one-armed hug.

Jackson smiled the first genuine smile he had had in weeks. Joon could see the difference in that the shadow of doubt and desperation which had previously clouded Jackson’s eyes had lifted. In place of that shadow were the bright eyes of someone who had found a will and purpose to face whatever the future held in store.

“Thank you again, Joon,” repeated Jackson for he could not adequately express how grateful he was. After the weeks of being in a horrid place, he could now see a way out and more importantly, it was a way that allowed him to keep his love for his royal highness. They bid each other good night and Jackson went to bed no longer fearing to dream.

***

Jackson smoothed his tunic which was embossed with the crest of his kingdom as he stood in line with the other representatives. They were arranged in neat rows along the castle court that led to the grand entrance, complete with flags and gonfalons in an array that spoke of celebratory pomp and splendour. At the top of the stairs that led to the inner castle stood Prince Jinyoung and his father, the king, for it was a special day.

It was the day that royalty and nobility arrived as guests of honour for the tournament. Jaebum had informed Jackson just that morning that Prince Mark would be arriving in the afternoon after having set off a few days before. It would be the first time Jackson would see his royal highness since he first left the kingdom last autumn. The meeting was a meaningful one for Jackson because it was the first time he would see his royal highness with the full knowledge and acceptance that he loved his prince. It had to be a special moment, surely. It had to be.

Jackson thought he should be given absolute credit for not fidgeting or inclining his head just a little despite his anticipation every time a coach or entourage arrived. It was interesting and somewhat exciting to see the different guests of honour but there was really only one he was waiting for – and it finally came. Jackson recognised the coach from afar immediately. Of course he would, he had had a hand in helping to polish and clean it when he was younger. As the coach neared, led by one of his kingdom’s captains, Jackson’s eyes brightened and when it stopped in front of the castle steps, Jackson was biting hard on his lower lip to stop himself from expressing his excitement. His eyes searched, impatient as the footmen seemed to take forever to hop off the coach in order to fix the little steps to the carriage and even to unlatch the door.

He first saw a shoe, followed by a very shapely calf half-hidden through a cloak. Then came the top of his royal highness’ head. Jackson noted that Prince Mark was wearing one of his crowns, this one a simple ring with little ornamental gems but it suited his prince tremendously. Was his hair longer now? It seemed so, maybe the shade had also changed. However, before Jackson could pursue that idea further, Prince Mark lifted his head and Jackson was stunned. Every sense of motion and movement in his body stilled. His mind blanked, his heart stopped, his breathing ceased.

Mark was breathtakingly beautiful. More than ever.

Jackson watched as his royal highness lifted his eyes to greet Prince Jinyoung and then in the next moment, his royal highness’ gaze met his.

Since understanding what courtly love was, Jackson had allowed himself to imagine this very moment when he’d see the prince again. He had allowed himself to fancy that the prince would smile that bewitching smile of his, the prince’s eyes lighting up with a happy sparkle, and even saying something along the lines of ‘I miss you’.

But the moment was nothing like that.

Instead of a smile, Jackson received a grimace. Instead of a happy sparkle, there was barely a dull glint. Instead of words, there was silence. His royal highness did not allow their gaze to linger either. Instead, it was broken by a flick of the prince’s eyes who entered the castle with Jinyoung without any pleasantries.

Jackson’s former excitement and flights of fancy disintegrated and his soul fell crashing to the ground. Did – did the prince not… like him anymore?

_____

author's note:

this is the beginning of the last arc of Code of Chivalry. i feel like i've taken a long long time to get here but this arc is one of the main reasons why i began writing this whole fic in the first place :)

i hope you enjoy it :D