Rays of light, weakened by the burgeoning dusk, pass through the dusty blinds and onto my palms. I squeeze them shut, holding the sun in between my fingers before it disappears over the horizon. A wave of mourning crashes against my chest, fingernails digging into flesh.

I take in a deep breath, in the stale office air. I catch myself like that these days. Forgetting to breath, losing sense of my autonomic nervous system as it all falls apart around me.

A thud brings me back to attention, a backpack slammed on the desk in front of me. I wince, the plastic hardware stinging at my clenched fists where skin stretches taut and thin against bone.

I look up to the man looming above me: Bobby, tall as a mountain and buzzing with a rage barely contained.  

“Don’t do this here, we’re in an office.” I tell him calmly, unclenching my fists to reveal angry red crescents on my palm.

“I want to see you outside, then.”

I laugh, short and humorless.

“What are you gonna do? Beat me up?”

“I… I didn’t think you could be like this, Hayi.” His shadow recedes from the desk. “Don’t you know how much you hurt Hanbin?”

Of course I ing know.

---

I felt the emptiness where he had occupied. He stood, eclipsing the sun so that his face was only a pained shadow.

“Don’t do this.” He warned, begged me. “Not because of my mom.”

“It’s not just her, it’s me.” I choked out, but my eyes were dry. “I don’t think I can do it.”

“I love you.” He urged again. Then, he slowly became quiet. His arms falling loosely from their sockets. “You know, you’ve never told me you loved me. You never have, have you?”

“I don’t.” The words felt like battery acid as they left my mouth. “I never wanted to lie… Loving you would too selfish, I couldn’t do it.”

He looked at me in disbelief, laughing like a madman, before crouching for his bag and slinging it over his shoulder.

“Fine. I’ll see you around, then. Friend.”

---

“Hayi, here are the papers for the study abroad trip. You’re all good to go.” Nam says, walking out into the office. He looks in shock at Bobby, an uncomfortable smile curling at his lips.

“You’re kidding.” Bobby laughs, looking between me and Nam. “You’re just… running away?”

“Yes.” I answer resolutely, taking the papers from Nam and signing at the bottom with an angry flick of my pen. “I’m running away so Hanbin doesn’t have to look at me anymore.”

-&-

It took a few pulls to my suitcase, the metal rusted in places, the piece of luggage long forgotten in a corner of my closet. It felt strange to pack everything up. The last time I’d left the country was when we moved to Germany over ten years ago. My room hadn’t changed, not really.

I sat at my vanity, remembering when my feet barely touched the ground when I sat down. I picked up a picture, wiping at the dust on its surface. My high school graduation. I was already living with Jimin then, my dad had started his sabbatical and was at a conference in Vienna. Chaerin was able to make it but had to leave early.

But Hanbin stayed with me the whole day. My fingers linger on his face. I wonder what would have happened if I had looked at him earlier.  

I set the picture down, shaking the thoughts out of my head. I look at the other photographs, all of my memories. The smiles, the tears. My childhood, my adulthood.

Hanbin was always there.

He was there for every step.

I pick up a small picture of my mother tucked into the corner of my mirror. My mother smiles next to a very pregnant Professor Choi holding a small bundle in her arms. Me.

I heard that I’d cried inconsolably my first month of life while Hanbin was still in his mother’s stomach.

A sob leaves my throat as I wipe at the tears starting to form at the corner of my eyes. I miss him. I pull out my phone, swiping through our pictures today. I wish I could talk to him. I wish I could hear his voice, but I don’t know what I’d do. Without Hanbin I feel like I’m desperately holding my head above the water, only barely treading on the surface to keep from drowning.

I pull up the messages he’d sent while I was sick, I’d saved them all.
 

He was always, always there.

“Just checking up on you, hope you’re okay.”

“I’ll be here when you’re ready to talk. I promise.”

“Class isn’t the same without you. Take care… don’t be away too long.”

“Did you eat?”

“Did you sleep?”

“I know it’s hard. I won’t give up on you, so don’t give up either. Please.”

“I keep wondering why I can't finish my fries. Then I remembered that half is always for you.”

Tears drop onto my screen as I wipe them back furiously.

I set the phone down, a painful lump in my throat as I look out the window. Under the lamplight I can barely make out a figure standing outside. My stomach lurches, noticing the hoodie and ripped jeans as my vision focuses. I can’t help myself as I jump from my seat and run down the stairs.

I push open the front door, not even caring I forgot to put on shoes.

“Hanbin!” I cry out with my whole body. “I’m so sorry, Hanbin. I lied... I lied.”

The figure turns to look at me and I stop, frozen in my tracks. I wipe my tears, looking at the confused face of a stranger on his phone.

“Ah, sorry.” I laugh awkwardly through embarrassed tears. “I thought you were someone else.”

The stranger leaves and my legs give out from underneath me as I fall to the ground.

I thought I could be strong enough, but I’m selfish after all.

“I don’t want to leave…”

“Then don’t.”

I turn around hopefully, even though I know better. I don’t recognize the voice.

“Who…?” I ask, remembering the hoodie and ripped jeans as I wipe the wetness from my cheeks.

“Here.” He hands me a familiar yellow shopping bag as he crouches next to me on the sidewalk. I reach for the bag slowly, taking it from him in confusion. I can see its contents clearly through the thin plastic. Beer. “Let’s have a drink.”

“Um.” I don’t know what to say, the words caught in my throat. “I’m sorry, but I need to go.”

“Why? You’re lonely, right?” His face gets closer to mine. “So am I. Let’s spend some time together.”

I back away, trying to brace my hands against the pavement in order to push myself up off the ground and run. His hand closes over my wrist and I cry out in shock.

“Hayi!”

The grip on my wrist loosens.

All I see is a blur as the stranger is knocked to the ground. A scream peals from my throat as I feel a splash of blood on my cheek, and realize in a relieved horror that it’s not mine. My body is yanked from the ground suddenly, my bare feet scraping on the rough paving.

My whole body relaxes when I see his face.

Hanbin, my deus ex machina hero lowered from the stage to solve all of my problems and save the day.

-&-

“You’re an idiot.” Hanbin tells me as he lounges with his hands propped above his head. I kneel beside the bed, wordlessly unfolding his arms. He watches me from the corner of his eyes as I carefully press a bag of ice to his bruised knuckles.

It’s as if nothing had changed, and yet also as if everything had changed.

I hold the ice against his hands without speaking. All the words have been suffocated in my throat and I no longer know what I could possibly say to him.

“What did you lie about?” The question is whispered so quietly that I almost don’t hear. Instead, I choose to ignore it.

“Why are you here?” I ask him, teeth biting into my cheek to distract from the pain in my chest.

He sighs.

“To finally say goodbye.”

I nod.

“Yeah, that’s probably for the best.”

-&-

I’m woken up by the scent of coffee as my dad stands in the doorway.

“This time, it’s your turn to go off on your own.” He tells me with a sad smile.

There’s a dull ache in my chest as I get dressed. Had he always felt like this?

Were the countries and people he’d encountered over the years always just shallow replacements for the warmth of home and the people he loved? I understood him and Chaerin a little more as I haul the suitcase into the car. Somehow, it had felt much lighter last night but in the morning it seems weighed down by my apprehensions.

I give one last look out to my bedroom window, the curtains drawn back so that I can peek just barely into my room. I spent a childhood in there, and then pieces of my adulthood. And last night, like a dream, Hanbin had been there…

“Did you say goodbye to the house?”

I nod as my dad shuts the passenger side door for me before getting into the car. He had insisted on taking me, even though it meant cancelling his morning lecture.

The suitcase seems even heavier as we arrive at the terminal. My dad, the great Professor Lee, kisses me on the forehead before wishing me good luck.

I linger outside the swinging doors, not ready to leave him when we’d only started to heal our wounds. I wave to him as he drives off before finally turning back around into the airport.

The airport was feels like a sea of faces moving in an unseen current, flowing like water to their destinations in pulses and waves.

At times I’m swept up by the current, floating along like a piece of driftwood until the water calms. The farther I get from the security check to my gate, the more I feel like I’m drifting further and further away from the shore.

I find a seat at the gate, feeling unsteady as the reality of my journey threatens to drown me.

My eyes flutter closed as I attempt to calm myself down, the uneasiness in my stomach like motion sickness.

As I open my eyes again, they take a moment to refocus. I blink away the blurriness, and see the row of seats across from me in perfect clarity.

Kim Hanbin sits in front of me, his hands folded in his lap and his legs crossed over one another. There's a suitcase by his feet, probably heavier than my own. His eyes meet mine and widen in genuine surprise. The distance between us narrows as the corners of his lips begin to lift into a smile.

And as I look at him from across the gate, I can’t help but laugh.

---

Author's Note: The End! I thought a long time if it was best to end it here and decided that it made the most sense for the story. Don't worry, there will be an Epilogue too since I feel sorry for ending the story without a warning lol!

It's been a little over a year since I started The Humanity Formula. I want to thank everyone who read, subscribed, and upvoted! Your endless support had always meant so much to me and I'm so happy that people could enjoy my writing.