I pause at the floral covered doorway, taking in a sharp breath. The silk chiffon of my dress feels smooth against my skin. The waistband of my nylons squeezes uncomfortably against my waist.

My eyes search for him immediately, scanning the groom’s side of the aisle wildly. A wave of relief crashes over my body when I see him, his body turned to look back at me. His lips quirk into a lopsided smile, his hair carefully gelled out of his face.

Slowly, and without looking away from him, I take my seat on the bride’s side of the aisle.

“Hayi!” I turn as I hear my name called from behind, smiling in surprise as I see Bobby. Jisoo sits next to him, a triumphant smile on her relentlessly beautiful features. I give him a little wave of my hand, sinking back into my chair, hands gripping tightly onto its sides.

I glance over at Professor Choi, hating myself for thinking she looks like a villain in a period drama in her hanbok and ornately tied hair. Her eyes meet mine and she smiles. This is the end.

“The groom, enter!”

This is the end. I breathe in again, eyes fluttering shut as I try to steady myself.

My eyes open again as I hear the sound of the piano, at once full of melancholy and joy. Bobby keeps his own gaze on the ivory beneath his fingers. This is the end for him, too. I admire him, somewhere secretly and quietly within me, for having the strength I know I don’t possess.

“The bride, enter!”

Chaerin looks beautiful but I already know this. I helped place the pearl comb in her hair, I smoothed the nonexistent wrinkles in her dress. She looks beautiful, but when I see the look in Seunghyun’s face, I feel something that could never be put into words. There is love and need in his eyes. Not need in a cliched, ual sense, but in the way a person needs oxygen. My heart clenches painfully.

Before I know it, the ceremony has ended and we’re gathered together for pictures. First, I stand next to my dad and Chaerin, glowing in her white dress. Then, Professor Choi stands with Seunghyun, imperious like a statue in his tuxedo. The shutter flashes as I summon a smile, hoping that it reaches my eyes.

“And the rest of the family, please.” My teeth clench as Hanbin walks up next to me smiling, boyish and easy.

His fingers reach out for mine, eyes facing forward to the camera. Our hands lace together, hidden by the skirt of my dress as the camera flash flash flashes.

“You’re so beautiful.” His breath tickles my ear as he leans down for just a second, and he’s turned back to the photographer before I can realize.

I look at him in a daze, his lips are curled into a satisfied smirk.

Flash.

Professor Choi’s eyes meet mine.

Flash.

Hanbin releases my hand as the photographer asks for pictures of just the bride and groom. I follow Hanbin as he walks out of the reception hall, keeping my distance, as if it makes anything less suspicious that we’ve both disappeared. He moves through corridors, dodges towering floral wreaths, and weaves his way past another wedding party. And then, he’s out of sight. Lost in a sea of men in black suits.

“Hanbin?” I whisper, an irrational part of my brain wondering if he’ll ever come back.

I feel a tug on my wrist and then I’m leaning against a wall, the marble cool against my skin exposed by the powder blue dress.

I let out a startled giggled as his nose tickles against my skin, his hands pressing my body firmly against him. His lips meet mine and I can feel him smiling. He says my name in between kisses, the syllables rolling off his tongue like a mantra.

His fingers wander under my hemline, sliding beneath my waistband. I nuzzle into the warmth of his neck, peppering butterfly kisses along his collar. Cupping my jaw, he turns my head to look into my eyes. I grip onto him desperately, digging into his shoulders beneath his jacket with my nails.

“I love you.” He tells me again and again as he kisses my lips, forehead, nose, neck.

-&-

Professor Choi’s office seems larger than the last time I was here, or maybe I’ve been shrinking. The walls engulf me, lined with books and memories. (One pill makes you larger, one pill makes you small.) I sit with my legs crossed at the ankle, looking less like an adult in my satin dress and more like a child playing dress up.

“Hanbin and I are dating.” The words rush out my mouth suddenly and it takes all my strength not to cover my lips in shame.

This is a confrontation, I remind myself. I asked her here, I cornered her after we’d given our toasts and waved goodbye to the jetset newlyweds. I have the power.

I swallow hard, not believing a single word of my own weak attempts at easing the fear bubbling in my throat.

“I know.” Professor Choi sighs, her eyebrows knit together. “Hanbin spoke to me months ago, did he not tell you?”

I remember the glow of the street lamp. The sticky vinyl of the bus seat. The salty air of the sea. He did tell me, with glances and touches and kisses. He told me in desperate pleas to run away. But I don’t say any of these things, I only shake my head softly.

“I don’t want you and Hanbin to have a bad relationship.” I say finally, my fists clenched together on my lap. “Because of me.”

Because it is me. I always knew that, in the back of my head. It was never about Chaerin and Seunghyun. It was always about me.

“You look just like your mother in that dress.” Her eyes soften as she smiles sadly. “Chaerin has always looked like your father, but I truly feel like I’m seeing your mother when I look at you.”

“And that’s why?” My voice cracks.

“I’ll never forget the day your mother died. To get that call…” Her face contorts in pain, eyes glistening with tears too old to fall. “I watched what that did to your father, to you and Chaerin. What it did to me. I’m scared, Hayi.”

“You’re being selfish.”

“Yes.” Professor Choi admits, looking me squarely in the face. “I’m Hanbin’s mom. I don’t want him to be in pain.”

And if he’s with me, he’ll be in pain.

“But… I’m going to therapy. I’m getting treatment.” I feel so angry I could throw up, my knuckles turn white.

“I know.”

“I like Hanbin more than I hate myself. I’d rather be with him than eat, breathe, or sleep.” The tears are hot and slow as they fall down my cheeks. “I trust him. I can be honest with him. I know I’m not alone, I know he loves me. He can hear a song on the radio and think about me, so how could I ever feel alone?”

Professor Choi wets her lips, and for the first time I realize that she’s aged. I’ve always viewed her from the eyes of a little girl on her loveseat, but her skin is softer, makeup unable to cover up the wrinkles around and eyes.

“Two hikers in the woods come across an angry bear. One hiker starts to pray and the other starts to lace up his shoes. The one hiker turns to his friend and asks what he’s doing, he can’t outrun a bear. The other hiker says, ‘I don’t have to outrun the bear.’” She watches me carefully, her gaze making me feel smaller and smaller.

“Why are you telling me that story again?” I ask quietly, but I already know.

“Which hiker are you: the one praying or the one running?”

I stare at her wordlessly, the tears leaving salty trails on my cheeks as they dry.

“I don’t doubt you love Hanbin, I’m just worried what that means for him.” She deadpans, adjusting in her seat as she flicks an invisible speck of dust from her shoulder. “You can’t take all of his love just because he’ll let you. You have to take care of yourself.”

“I know.” The words come out in a whisper, my hands in my lap.

-&-

The sky is endless and bright above my head. The grass is soft against my back. A dandelion tickles at my cheek as the wind blows gently. My fingers scan lazily over the smooth pages of a book, my eyelids fluttering shut at the warmth of the afternoon glow.

“Hayi.” Hanbin says my name like a poem, paying attention to each syllable with care.

I open my eyes to look at him, his head resting on my lap as he watches me. The sun shines above him, setting him on fire. His hair flutters in the breeze, shining like spun gold. I squint through the blinding light, seeing only the faint line of his smile. It’s like I’ve dreamt him, serene and smiling. My stomach twists.

The scent of citrus tickles at my nose as Hanbin holds up a slice of clementine daintily between his fingers. He places it on my tongue, acidic and sweet. My fingers leave the book’s pages, curling into his wild hair smelling like grass and sweat.

I in a deep breathe, the heaviness of Hanbin’s head weighing against my torso.

“Should we break up?” I ask, my fingers untangling from his hair. “Should we go back to being friends?”

Hanbin laughs, the bright orange peels falling from his chest with the movement. I bite my lip as he slowly becomes quiet and twists to look up at me. The color drains from his face as his expression becomes solemn.  

- - -

Author's Note: I can't believe how long it's been since I updated. Thank you to everyone who continues to enjoy this story, please don't be too mad at me!

And have a early Happy Valentine's Day! ❤