“Are you insane?” A yell peals out of my throat, deep and enraged. My arm swings out on its own, the thick manuscript connecting with Bobby’s cheek.

He pulls away in shock, holding his hands up in surrender as he backs away.

I turn to Hanbin: pitiful, purple, and pouting. But conscious. He looks up at me as he struggles to move from the knocked over stack of chairs. He holds out his hand for help up.

I think about it.

But then I smack him over the head, too.

I smoothe out the edges of the manuscript’s envelope, making sure that I didn’t dent or tear any of the corners. In my peripheral vision I see Bobby help Hanbin up. Bobby wipes the blood from the corner of his lip. Hanbin smoothes back his mussed hair.

The anger and confusion bubbles in my veins with each innocent glance and nonchalant gesture.

I grit my teeth, unable to form words. There’s too much I want to know and I don’t trust myself not to ask anything but the one question burning on my tongue.

What the ?

What the ?

What the ?

To calm myself I went back to Chaerin’s office where she kept her first aid kit. For bumps and bruises and sprains and idiot boys who get into fights. I sat them down wordlessly, looking like schoolchildren that had been put in time out. They held out their hands and I cleaned the scrapes with disinfectant, not pitying their hisses or whimpers.

“Hayi, I can explain.” Hanbin starts, ending the stalemate of glares and awkward looks, his face shining with the greasy ointment.

“It’s not what it looks like.” Bobby follows, a round bandaid on the corner of his lips.

“We weren’t fighting.” Hanbin bites his lip at my raised brow. “Well, yeah, we were fighting.”

“But it was just guy stuff.” Bobby offers lamely. “You know, that’s just how guys sort stuff out.”

“Guy stuff.” I say out loud, letting them hear how dumb it sounds.

Guy stuff.

I don’t tell them how scared I was to see Hanbin on the ground, his face bruised. I don’t tell them how scared I was to see Bobby doing something he might regret. I don’t tell them how confused and worried I was to see their years of cold war come to a boil.

But I was the dumb one for being upset, right? It was just guy stuff.

“Don’t worry, Hayi.” Hanbin reassures me again, his palm resting on my shoulder.

I’m not reassured, just even more confused.

How would anything have been resolved if they didn’t even talk? I don’t understand it. Sometimes girls do that, too. I know because Jimin had hit me on the head with a textbook, asked We good? And that was that. That didn’t mean there wasn’t still a fresh wound there. Temporary bandaids could never be a permanent cure.

“What are you two even doing here?” I choose to ask after letting it swirl around in my head.

“Dance team.” They answer together, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

“I joined a little while ago.” Hanbin adds, rubbing his bruised knuckles. It must be hurting now. “I meant to tell you but you’ve been so busy.”

Oh, ouch.

I want to ask if they’re friends now but somehow know better. The feeling between them is different than it used to be. Not quite comfortable, but not the same tense uneasiness that felt like trying to breathe in a deep freezer. It was just… Just. Just Bobby. Just Hanbin.

Still, there’s a part of me that’s happy for them, that they both have a friend back. And the most selfish part of me is happy for reasons I don’t want to think about.

Bobby and Hanbin walk me home after locking up the practice rooms and office.

Bobby stops as we walk by a corner store, promising with a toothy grin to only be a moment. Hanbin and I sit outside, backs leaning against the cold brick. I hate myself for thinking it but the swollen lip and bandage under his bruised eye kind of make him look cool.

“Are you okay?” Hanbin asks quietly, his voice low enough that if I weren’t right next to him it would be muffled by the wind.

“What do you mean?” It could be anything.

“You’ve been avoiding me and you haven’t seemed to be feeling that great lately.” He murmurs. “I’m sorry about what I said about Nam. I was just worried for you.”

“It’s okay, I get it.” I sigh, kicking at nothing in particular. I don’t want to talk about it again, and give him a full effort smile before changing the subject. “Why wouldn’t I be fine?”

“Bobby confessed to Chaerin, right?” Hanbin asks, a direct blow right through my chest.

Bullseye.

I stay quiet, not really believing what’s going on right now, that we’re having this conversation. Not wanting to believe.

“Did you two talk about it?” I wonder after a while, feeling embarrassed. Like a joke.

“A little.” Hanbin admits. “But you told me, earlier today.”

He confessed to someone else…

“Am I that obvious?” I groan, sinking against the wall. A joke. I feel like a big ing joke.

“A little.” Hanbin chuckles. “Are you doing okay?”

“I’m okay.” I sigh, not really wanting to talk about it, especially when Bobby was just inside the convenience store. I’m not sure why I can’t have a crush like everyone else, why I can’t innocently like someone like everybody else.

Hanbin ruffles my hair and gives me a little smile, just a quirk of the lip, but it’s enough.

-&-

I was supposed to stop drinking.

I think of the pills on the nightstand in my room. If I took them now I know I’d never wake up in the morning. I drank too much, it wouldn’t be safe, but I can already see the scribbled words in Professor Choi’s handwriting…

M.N.C.

Medication non-compliant...

My head sinks into the couch, feeling heavier than if it were filled with lead. Instead I can’t help but think about Hanbin and Bobby. And Hanbin. And Bobby. I hear their voices below me as they sit on the floor.

It’s like I’m in a tunnel, only able to pick out a few words here and there between the muffled background noise.

I keep my eyes closed, the dim lighting in the room still too bright.

“Is she asleep?”

A rustling sound. Someone stands over me. A jacket is gently draped over my body.

More rustling.

“Yeah.”

I don’t know why I stay still, eyes shut. A part of me wants to know. I want answers for the questions that keep piling up.

“I’m sorry for punching you.” Hanbin mumbles. I fight to keep my eyes from widening in surprise. “Don’t tell Hayi what you told me, okay?”

“Why not?” Bobby wonders in a whisper, his words slowed down by the alcohol. “I feel like for lying to her.”

“Apologies aren’t supposed to make you feel better, especially if they hurt others.” Hanbin answers roughly.

“She already thinks I used her.” Bobby grumbles drunkenly, words slurred. “What’s the difference if it was because of Chaerin, and not you?”

My throat stings painfully. I pray that they don’t notice the wetness falling down my cheeks.

If they heard my stifled cries I’d die.

I already feel like I could. I already feel my heart collapsing in my chest.

-&-

I wake up to a warm hand in mine.

“Hanbin?” My voice is hoarse, barely recognizable.

The curtains are still drawn, the room dark. His eyes are closed, lids glued shut with sleep. Gentle snores fall past his lips.

I decide not to wake him yet, keeping my hand pinned under his. I gingerly brush back strands of hair from his dozing face. He looks peaceful, like a little kid. I realize I’ve never seen him like this, with his guard completely down.

In the dark of the night, alcohol weighing down tired eyes, he placed me in bed. He took my blanket and draped it over my body. He made sure my head rested comfortably on the pillow, that I laid on my side. His warm hand closed over mine as he knelt beside my bed, whispering to me words that seemed like magic spells and fairy tales.

I thought it was a dream.