The wind blew harshly that winter afternoon. It had been snowing for three days straight in Busan, South Korea covering the ground completely in blankets of white.  Usually, the boys would play in the snow any chance they got, but this day they didn’t stop.   The members of the popular Korean pop group BTS had finally gotten a break from their busy schedules and decided to spend it in Busan but already this break was not full of smiles.  They had not spoken a single word to each other, only stuck together in silence.  The boys climbed up the snow covered pavement that led to Jimin’s parent’s home, which was always a wonderful place to visit.  Jimin’s parents owned a café so his mother made the most delicious pastries that they always looked forward to and it was always a warm and welcoming place.  Namjoon reached the door first and knocked once, as he was hesitant and regretful to appear there like this.  He turned around and looked at the rest of s and knocked on the door a total of four times before stepping back and lowering his chin into the collar of his jacket.

“Hyung, knock again,” Jungkook said when it had been what felt like two minutes that they had been waiting for the door to open, “ Maybe they’re just sleeping.  Knock again, maybe they’ll wake up this time. “Namjoon looked back at Jungkook and nodded.  He turned around and knocked on the door for a few seconds and as he did earlier, stepped back and waited for the door to open.  The members looked down at the white snow and stood there in the same silence as they waited for someone to open the door for them. 

“Oh my, I was setting the table and didn’t even hear you knocking, “All the members looked up and saw that the door was now open.  Jimin’s mother stood in the doorway and grabbed Namjoon and pulled him into the door way, “Come in boys, its cold out there,” She said.  The members individually gave his mother a hug and a kiss on the cheek as they entered the home and made sure to take off their sneakers and replace them with slippers,” You boys must be starving.  Did you eat while you were traveling?  Eat as soon as you get unpacked, I cooked a great meal just for you all.” They stood in the foyer of the home and listened as his mother talked.  They held the bags in their hands, and although they were looking and listening, it was like they were in a different place.  This place around them held a different feel to it than it had before and that was obvious, making it difficult for the members to focus on anything else. They knew exactly why it felt different, but still, they couldn’t seem to stop thinking of it, ”If  you continue to stand there like statues you might actually become one, go and get settled and dinner will be set.” The members all nodded and followed each other into the room that they had always stayed in, Jimin’s younger brother’s room.  When the boys visited for breaks, his brother would sleep in the family room.  It was never for long, so his brother never complained and besides, he was always glad to see his brother and his friends. 

They stood in the room for a few seconds before unpacking their bags.  They were all still very unsure of how to react in this situation, and they all felt guilty.  None of them wanted to be the first to speak because they weren’t sure what to say.  They understood that it wasn’t appropriate to make a joke or speak lightly, but they still very much so wish that someone would. The sadness made the air so thick.  Hoseok especially felt responsible to lighten the mood, but even he couldn’t bring a joke to escape his lips. He threw his bag down onto the floor mattress and looked at the other members, “Does anyone want to build a snow man?” Hoseok asked. He looked at Jungkook who was too busy taking his items out of his leather book bag.  He looked at Yoongi who was doing the same, and Jin had been changing into more comfortable clothing. Namjoon was stood near the window, and just looked out of it. Hoseok walked to Namjoon and placed his hand on his shoulder,” Let’s go talk to him.  It’s been months since we’ve seen him, and I know you’re dying to see how he’s doing.” Namjoon looked at Hoseok and nodded. 

As they walked out Namjoon turned around and spoke to s, as a leader,” We’re going to see Jimin.  It’d be best if we went to him, as a group, and spoke to him.  Try to smile, try not to cry and try to do anything but make him feel worse,” They all nodded and followed each other out of the room.  Jimin’s bedroom was the last bedroom in the hallway.  They walked down the hallway quietly, and with each step the air got thicker.  This home was no longer the home that was full of smiles, as they could feel what had been going on in these walls for the months they were apart.  The CEO of Big Hit told the members that Jimin had become depressed since the accident and that these past months had been difficult for him.  The members desperately wanted to take time off from promotions as well as for themselves and for Jimin, but they knew that was impossible.  Because while they had their careers to focus on and they couldn’t possibly throw it away, Jimin and both Taehyung would never want that.  They would want the members to continue and to never stop, even if they cried out of pain.  The music and the fans were just that important to them.   So they continued to promote and when promotions were done, they were given time off and as a group decided that they wanted to spend it in Busan with Jimin.  So that is what they did.

When they got to the last bedroom in the hall, Jimin’s bedroom, Jungkook knocked on the door.  There was no response, so he knocked again and turned around, “What if he doesn’t want to see us?” He felt nervous.  He wondered if Jimin had gotten so depressed that he just wanted to be alone.  He hoped that wasn’t the case.

“He doesn’t know we’re coming,” Yoongi said.  Jungkook turned around.  That was true, Jimin didn’t know that they were coming.  It was going to be a surprise for him,” Just open the door, Jungkook.  It’s okay,” Jungkook turned the door knob and pushed the door open.  The room was dark, quiet and cold.  He saw that the window was wide open, and the only light was from the slight opening between the curtains.  He walked into the room and looked around, spotting Jimin in a few seconds.  He was sitting in a rocking chair, wrapped in a thick blanket.  All the members saw him and acknowledged how strange it was to see him like that.   It seemed he was completely unaware that they were in the bedroom, as he was staring at the wall in front of him and barely blinked. The members didn’t get closer to him.  They looked from a far and thought of how long it must have been that he was sitting there for.

“Jimin, it’s us,” Namjoon was the first to spoke.  The members were grateful that Namjoon was always a very good leader and was always the first to speak in uncomfortable times.  Though they were all ashamed this was an uncomfortable time,” Promotions are over and we’re on break now, so we came to spend the break here, with you.”  Namjoon watched, hoping that Jimin would look over.  But he didn’t.  He didn’t move slightly,” Your mom cooked us a delicious meal and we’re going to have so much fun these next few months.  We’re going to do all the things we talked about doing in our dorms.  Doesn’t that sound like fun?  Going to America and learning to surf, going to zoos and just relaxing.  Sounds fun, right?” But there was still no response.

“We’ll go to New York and we’ll really explore it.  Remember you said you wanted to spend a few more days in New York when we were there for a concert?  We can finally do that, Jimin,” Jin spoke up.  But he didn’t respond to Jin either.  All the members knew that he would not respond.  They knew that Jimin wasn’t the same Jimin that he was before the accident.  They weren’t sure how to get that Jimin back.  They weren’t in the accident, they didn’t see Taehyung die.  But Jimin did, he was the only one.  He’s suffering a pain that they can’t even imagine.  They all felt so helpless.

“Okay, Jimin.  We’re going to go.  Will you come for dinner?  We really miss you,” Namjoon said and grabbed onto Jungkook and Yoongi’s arms and pulled them out of the bedroom as the other members followed.  Jimin was different and Namjoon knew that it was going to be a long time before he would speak to them again.  But he was the leader and he knew that since he wasn’t there to protect them that he would have to find a way to heal the pain in their hearts. 

After dinner that night the boys sat around in his younger brother’s bedroom. They browsed the internet on their phones and replied to messages in Kakaotalk but didn’t speak to each other.  It was like that for them too.  There wasn’t anything to talk about.  During promotions they spoke about the music and the work, but now there wasn’t anything to talk about.  They had all entered their own small worlds,” We should get some sleep.  His mother can’t shovel the snow, so it’ll have to be us.  We’ll start that early in the morning,” Namjoon said.  The other boys heard his words and placed their phones down.  They laid down on the mattress and each one pretended to be asleep but stared at the ceilings and the walls.  They missed Taehyung and they missed Jimin so bad that sleep was impossible at this time.  Especially for Namjoon.  He stood up from the mattress and stepped outside of the room and stood with his back against the wall.  Tears began to fall down his cheeks and he slid down onto the floor.  He wanted so badly to burst into tears but knew that he had to keep it inside, so he cried silent tears.  But every few seconds he moaned.  He couldn’t control it that well.  He only cried when the other members weren’t around.  He refused to allow them to see how much he was truly upset by Taehyung’s death.  He felt personally responsible.  He vowed to protect them all even until he died but he wasn’t there to protect Jimin and Taehyung. He failed to protect them and he couldn’t keep that promise.  And now Taehyung was dead and he wondered if he would be if he were there.  He always wondered to himself and allowed himself to carry that weight alone and all of the members had.  They all suffered alone somehow but Namjoon suffered in the dark.  He couldn’t show that to the other members, but Hoseok saw it.  And he saw it tonight too.  He hid on the other side of the wall and listened to Namjoon cried and wanted to give him a hug.  But he wondered how could someone give a hug when they desperately needed one themselves?  They all needed a hug that didn’t seem like it was going to come any time soon and that is how they accepted they’d be living until they met Taehyung again on the other side.