"I said before that I'm a government official, but I'm also a writer. A journalist," Suho said, as if that would answer everything. Lay waited without breathing. Nerves crashed against his insides but he could barely feel them. It was like a nightmare where anxiety was thick enough to suffocate but everything was muffled, each heartbeat like wading through molasses. Suho was more agitated than him.
"And I interviewed you," he added.
Lay waited more. Or maybe he couldn't speak because his throat had closed up with anticipation and fear. Would he finally have answers? Would everything make sense? Would he regret it? Would he finally wake up from this hell?
The mattress dug into him and the floorboards creaked as Suho shifted his weight. Faintly, Lay wished the man would take a damn seat. 
"Umm . . ." Suho choked, a gargled noise escaping him. No reaction came from Lay and Suho coughed awkwardly.
Finally, he began.
"Your family was wealthy, as Chen said." Lay's jaw clenched at that mention. The acrid taste of fear was overpowering his anticipation and curiousity. 
"The Zhang family--you were Zhang Yixing," he started, voice monotone. "You changed your name later--your family was well-known and powerful, employing more than half the town in the company's factory. You didn't tell me much about your childhood there. It was mostly about your two friends." Suho paused, eyes darting to Lay before resting on a point on the wall again. 
"One of them was Kai," Suho mumbled. "He was a servant boy, a stable hand turned companion, I think. You were so happy talking about the fun you two had, I remember. It was innocent childish fun. But . . . uh . . . your father was a good man. His only bad habit was gambling. He stopped for a while, but in the end, he gambled Kai away. I doubt you knew about it. You must've put one and one together when you grew older."
He stopped again. Lay wanted to slap him, tell him to get on with it, unleash it all on him at once, rip apart the old wounds and expose the tender memories--but he remained frozen. 
"You didn't see him again until years later. He was barely conscious when you ran into him by chance and you took him home. He told you everything about his new master's son. You referred to him as 'bastard,' but now I'm guessing it's Kyungsoo. Kai died in your arms. Because you were felt guilty and responsible for it all, you tracked down Kyungsoo and shot him."
"I didn't kill him?" Lay spoke at last, voice rough.
Suho played with his lips in a very irritating way. "You left without checking."
"."
The nightmares and scraps of conversations finally made sense. The jagged pieces fell into place and his early childhood, at least, was clearer. But clearer did not mean brighter. Those picture-perfect moments were desaturated, life bled dry, smiles turning grisly from the grainy film. 
Lay glanced around the room -- windowless but refreshing. His eyes landed on Suho.
"Why are you telling me all this?"
Suho sighed in exasperation -- something so out of character Lay suddenly doubted whether Suho had ever shown his true self these days. "You commanded me to," he deadpanned. "And I need to let it out."
"Continue."
Silence stretched on for another grueling moment. Though Suho said he needed to let it all out, he still took his sweet time doing so. The drip drop of the water clock echoed inside Lay. 
"The factory workers rioted. The government . . . the bourgeoise was targeted during the Revolution and your entire family was killed. You survived miraculously." His voice went up, the expected period turning into an interrobang, as if he attempted to lighten the mood with this positive remark.
Lay stared.
The mood worsened considerably. Suho chewed on his upper lip.
"You spent some time on the streets, joining some groups of other children." Memories suddenly flashed past, mostly memories of a certain smirking Baekhyun. Those days of hunger and abuse had scarred Lay more than the image of rioters taking over his home. Lay blinked madly, trying to get rid of the image and focused back on Suho. "Then you were taken in by a family -- Xiumin's family. They were poor, much poorer than your family, but they were good people. And they loved you."
 Later, your friend group then expanded to include Luhan, Kris -- who used to be Yifan -- and Tao."
And speak of the devil.
A knock on the door interrupted Suho's story, followed by a muffled, "Let's talk."
Lay glanced at Suho, itching to hear more. Everything that had been said he already knew, just uncomfirmed. What happened afterwards was what he needed to hear. But Suho looked as if Tao was his savior and Lay acquiesced.
"You'll continue later." He wasn't sure if he was ordering Suho or asking him.
Either way, Suho gave a quick nod. 

Both went to the door. Suho slipped away as soon as the door opened, while Lay studied Tao. The boy gazed back at him. They were friends, they were supposed to be friends.
He looked normal, no longer broken and eyes no longer burning in hatred. Scratching the back of his neck, he asked awkwardly, "Can we go somewhere to talk?"

They ended up going to the library. Standing side by side, the two of them stared out the window in silence. Lay waited patiently. 
After the talk with Suho, he felt he had grown. Matured. Became anchored.
There was no rush in this.
When Tao finally spoke, he said to the night sky outside, "I want to apologize."
Lay didn't answer. 
"I love him. I loved Shixun, I love Sehun. I don't think he felt the same but it doesn't matter. I still love him. He made me so happy. He made me feel whole and worhty and important. I introduced you and everyone else to him because I wanted you all to see how beautiful he was. When you two suddenly became close, I admit, I was jealous. It's not fair!" He shifted and Lay peered at him from the corner of his eye. "We were both dirt-poor. Why did his father talk to me, warn me, threaten me whatever?"
Lay swallowed. He vaguely remembered hiding behind a bush and eavesdropping to that conversation. The rich man had humiliated Tao and, Lay knew, shattered the boy's heart.
"But you? You got to stay, got to become his apprentice and become powerful and it just wasn't fair!" Tao paused, taking shaky, shallow breaths before continuing. "That's when I started hating you. After that said I was street scum, said I wasn't worthy or important or whatever Shixun made me feel, forbade me to enter the mansion and my dad found a new job and we moved away. I blamed you for everything. When I saw news later that the Wu family fell to ruins, I blamed that on you too. I thought that if I was the one by his side, that would never happen."
He paused again and Lay finally turned to look at his side profile. Tao was still staring adamantly outside the window, clenched fists hanging by his side, nose and lips trembling as he tried to hold in his emotions. 
"The most beautiful moment of my life was taken away from me and I blamed it all on you. I'm sorry," he mumbled, lowering his head. "It wasn't anyone's fault. We couldn't do anything, just doing what the world told us to do. Sorry."
"I- I'm sorry too," Lay pushed out. He didn't know what exactly he was apologizing for, but he just knew he should. Sorry for enjoying what Tao had lost. Sorry for being so lucky. Sorry for forgetting. 
Tao finally looked up.
The half-smile he offered warmed Lay from the bottom of his heart. 
Closure. Was this closure?

Tao was gone the next day, but Sehun seemed content. Lay found himself in the library once again, hearing Sehun's side of the story. 
"I found closure," was how Sehun began. "I think," he added.
Lay settled into an armchair. "Sure."
The other boy wandered over to the large window and, seeing his silhouette, Lay remembered how just yesterday he had stood there with Tao. 
"Tao told me he didn't want to leave me. He was forced to leave and didn't tell me because he didn't want me to see him cry. I believe him but that's so dumb. I don't care if he cried or not, I just wanted to give a proper goodbye. But that's so him so I forgive him. And I finally got to say goodbye."
The last phrase caught Lay's attention. "What do you mean?"
Sehun walked back over to Lay. "Dunno," he shrugged. "But don't people usually disappear after they cause a bunch of drama?" He looked at Lay. "That's what you said. Or Luhan. I don't really remember. But I'm glad I took the chance or else I would regret it again."
"That's good," Lay commented. 
"Do you think he really loved me though?"
"Yes."
"Oh." There was a pregnant pause and Lay wondered if he should've lied. "That's another regret. I should've said sorry."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

He walks down the alley, humming to himself and kicking at a rock. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping and oh, he's so happy. He feels light, like he's grown wings and he's floating. Flying, soaring over the cramped, winding streets.
A clump of a boy catches his eye and he swoops down, landing gracefully. "Zitao?" he asks. "What's wrong?"
The boy raises his head and wipes angrily at his cheeks. "No," he sniffs.
"No?"
"I can't play with Shixun anymore!" he bawls. Lay sits down, his wings gone and replaced by the weight of lead. Roaring wind blows the sun away and the birds drop dead like hail. 
"What, why? No way!" Lay exclaims, appalled and confused. 
"I'm now allowed to anymore." Zitao's wails are more defeaning than the thunder and Lay can't help but cover his ears.
Suddenly, it's silent. Lay thinks he might have burst his eardrums, but Zitao pries his hands away from his ears.
"Xing." He looks up to see Zitao peering at him. "Stay by Shixun for me. Protect him and love him for me." His earnest and serious eyes stare into Lay's soul. It's scary. 
"Answer me!" he insists.
"Yes, of course!"
Of course. They're friends, are they not? And this is what friends do, right? 
So, of course.

not really proofread but im not going to have wifi for about 1 week and i wanted to post this

sorry if it's boring..... blame suho lol

hopefully this clears some stuff up?

thanks to everyone who's commenting! you guys have no clue how happy they make me ~~~