early 2015

It's nighttime again but still, my eyes were wide awake. I spent living the year 2014 with a heartache. Jiyong begged for my forgiveness again and again but I ignored him as always. My life only revolved around sleep, schedules, and home. Work stressed me so much but I was thankful that it kept me from occupying my mind with other important things. My dating rumor with my hoobae added up to my burden. We did date but we didn't work out. I only said yes to him because I wanted to forget Jiyong but that kid didn't respect me. He stole a kiss on my lips on our second date in my car! I got mad. I was a bit conservative when it comes to dating so that was our last date.

No matter how I tied myself up to work, Jiyong continued to bombard my mind. How could I forget him when he's everywhere in Korea? His posters, billboards, their songs... I wanted to be somewhere unfamiliar. A world without any trace of him. But I'm a celebrity and I couldn't do anything I want. The day Jiyong and I parted ways, he never stopped texting me. I admit, I felt happier when he was still checking me up. I was tempted to call him every time I received a message but I just couldn't. I made up my mind and I must stick to my decision even if my heart was hurting. My mind wanted me to change my number but I didn't know what's keeping me from doing it. My stupid heart never stopped beating for him — my feelings didn't change. I wanted to forgive him but my pride wouldn't just let me.

Our friend are friends — my members like him and they talk about him always. Even at nights, when I was dozing off to sleep and every morning I wake up, Jiyong would appear in my vision. I couldn't stop my mind from reminiscing our memories. The memories that were just illusions in the first place. The memories that made me ing hope. The memories that always block my way and suddenly a tear would roll down my cheeks.

Why did I love him too much that it's killing me?! Why can't I move on?! Why did he affect me this much?! Why?! Should I come back to him to end my pain?

After contemplating, I made up my mind. I'll come back to him. I put a lot of courage in myself to do that. But then one day, it was morning— the day I'll take him back, he suddenly stopped checking me up. No "good morning or enjoy your breakfast" — things like that. I thought he was just busy. Until evening came, I received no texts from him. I would like to assume that he was just busy but he's not. I heard from the girls that Jiyong was in vacation. So why couldn't he even send a single text to me like he always did? I missed his voice. Even if it's just a text, I could hear him speaking sweetly to me at the back of my mind. A gush of fear started to grow over me. What if... What if he grew tired of me?

Days passed, weeks turned months, there's no texts from Jiyong. I was beginning to despair of ever knowing if my assumptions were right. I was empty and depressed — nothing and no one inspired me. I faked a smile in front of cameras but never smiled genuinely in my daily life. Maybe Jiyong's moved on. Maybe he finally found someone. Maybe he already forgot me. I realized how cruel I was. He even dedicated a song for me, wishing that I would come back to him. It moved my heart but my pride welled up. Now, he's over me. There was this regret in my heart. What if I accepted Jiyong? What if I forgave him? What if I stayed?

I made up my mind that I totally should let go. He had finally learned to move on and I should too. I said to myself that enough is enough. I should get over him.

I'm sick of being lonely and I'm sick of lonely nights.

I wake up the next morning with red and swollen eyes. I looked for the USB he gave me. Once and for all, I listened to the song.

Taeyeon-ah, I don't know if this will reach the deepest part of your heart but I hope it will. All the things that I want to tell are here in this USB. I'm sorry for shouting at you the last time we met. I didn't me