*********
“You know, I think I heard this phrase like a thousand times.”
“What phrase?” Seungcheol asks without raising his eyes from his notes. He has to finish a colossal essay until tomorrow and he sincerely feels like the paper is his life out of him.
“Just be yourself.” Jihoon announces in a mocking voice. “My parents said it to me, my teachers, I saw it in books, movies, everywhere.”
“Mmmh.” Seungcheol hums, knowing it’s one of those things that Jihoon just needs to let out. 

“It’s pure bull.” 
Seungcheol chuckles a little and lifts his head to see the smaller. “It still surprises me every time you swear.” He says. “It doesn’t fit your face.” Jihoon makes a grimace and returns to his own paper. 
“It’s just that… how can you ‘Just be yourself’ when you don’t even know who you are?” he asks, frowning deep in concentration.
“You are thinking too much.” Seungcheol replies. “Just write something you feel it matches you. I’m sure your teacher will worship anything you scribble.” He gets a ball of paper right in the middle of his forehead.
***********

Seungcheol is taking a year off from university. It seemed like his parents weren’t so mad when he told them he has absolutely no idea what he does with his life. Actually, when he called that night, almost crying and confessing everything he’s been through in the past two years his mother was quite supportive. His father was a bit upset, because it took him two years to realize he doesn’t like what he does, but he’s accepting it. However, if Seungcheol wants to remain in Seoul, he has to find a job to pay for himself. “To help him mature” his father said. 

So here he is, one week later, packing his bags. He doesn’t think he ever felt as free as he did when he signed his withdrawal. He already found a job, as a waiter at one of his parents’ friend’s restaurant. It pays well for the six hours he has to spend there daily. He will work with Mingyu, son of the owners, another plus since he knows the kid since like forever. Just that Mingyu doesn’t look like a kid anymore, way taller than Seungcheol.

Mingyu was the one that suggested that Seungcheol should move in with him when the older said he is looking for a place. The flat is small, but it’s enough for them and the rent isn’t that much. That’s why Seungcheol bids goodbye to his roommate and places the dorm key on the table as he leaves. It feels almost surreal how things were set so quickly, like everything has just expected him to make the decision. 

Seungcheol is not happy yet, but he certainly feels like a huge weight was taken off his mind. Maybe things will turn out well this time, maybe he will find himself and what he wants. But for now it’s enough. 

As he passes by the second floor, he stops. With a sigh, he walks up to a certain door. He wonders what he should do. He’s craving to knock on the wood, just to see if someone is inside, maybe even run and watch him opening the door. He just wants to see him, even for a brief second. He stops his hand just in time, turns around and walks away. Jihoon is better without him.

********
It’s been snowing all day and Seungcheol’s clouded mind barely wonders if he snow’s going to drown him.  Maybe that’s why he doesn’t want to leave the bar, ordering another drink instead, even though he clearly had enough. The bartender gives him a strange look as he fills his glass. The thing is that Seungcheol’s life is simply ty. He made a lot of wrong choices and here he is, in a strange bar at 2 am, drinking over his loneliness. He raises his glass to the bartender once again.
“Don’t you think you should stop, buddy?” he is asked, but he gets his drink anyway. Looking down, he presses send to the fourth text directed to Jihoon.
*********

Seungcheol life is good. The work keeps him busy and tired, enough to stop thinking too much and to sleep at night. He likes living with Mingyu, the younger revealing to be a pretty funny person that also knows when it’s the time to shut up. Wonwoo visits him from time to time and Seungcheol likes to think that they are friends now.

Wonwoo's visits amuse him as he always has to deal with a fangirling fanboying Mingyu after the emo boy leaves. It seems like Mingyu started crushing on Wonwoo since the first time he saw him, all leather dressed on his bike. Seungcheol teases him about it almost every day, but Mingyu is so shameless that it’s not even funny anymore. What it is funny is to watch Wonwoo tensing and ignoring Mingyu completely or see how, in rare occasions, Wonwoo’s cheeks turn just a little bit pink at Mingyu’s more than obvious flirts. It leaves Seungcheol smiling, but also a little bit saddened at his own loneliness. 

Because yeah, Seungcheol’s life is good, but nothing can really fill the emptiness he feels half of the time. He ignores it mostly, but it always comes back at him at night, keeping him awake or haunting his dreams with flashes of dimpled smiles and pink hair on white skin. And that may be the last part of his life that he should sort out, but Seungcheol is still a coward, too afraid of his own feelings to even think of them. 

*********

“Do you have someone to come and pick you up?” the bartender's voice hardly makes its way through Seungcheol’s mind. He smiles widely and shakes his head. The man in front of him sighs and mumbles something about pitiful students. He feels somebody taking his phone from his hand, but he is already half asleep, too spent to even try to move.

He wakes up to what seems like a forever after, his head still buzzing, but a bit more conscious of his actions.
“Thanks for calling.” A sweet voice says and he is lifted from the bar’s chair. “Come on, hyung, let’s go home.” The same voice talks and he nods as his arm is put around a shoulder. He lifts it and runs his fingers though the smooth pink locks just once.

**********

It seems like Seungcheol’s memory has a mind of its own because it keeps bombarding him with pieces of memories in the most unexpected moments. The drink he has to pour for one of the restaurant’s client reminds him of all the shots he had done that night. Mingyu taking his phone without asking (so he can steal Wonwoo’s number) made him realize he wasn’t the one that called Jihoon that night. And everything pink reminds him of how soft Jihoon hair felt between his fingers. It’s, fairly put, torturous and he has no idea if he wants it to stop or not. 

Maybe he is not that straight anymore, he thinks one night and the thought itself scares him. But he does realize that he can’t run away from himself for too long. So he lets it go, he lets his mind wander through his memories, he lets himself reminiscence all those hours spent with Jihoon and, at the end of it, what happened that night doesn’t seem as surprising anymore.

Because he may always have been a little smitten by Jihoon’s action, a little too astonished by that blinding smile or maybe he did admired the smaller a bit over the limit. And maybe the loneliness he fights over every day has a certain reason, like missing a certain person, but he doesn’t want to go that far yet. At the moment all he wants is to see Jihoon, just to see him, because it’s been too long and he thinks that Jihoon’s image in his head starts to fade away and he doesn’t want to forget even the smallest detail.

Outside is freezing and Seungcheol wonders when it will warm up, it’s already March. But maybe he likes the weather because it matches his mood. He silently wonders why this night is so full of ‘maybes’. It’s only 6am but he knows it will take a while to reach his destination. He could take a bus or a cab, but he feels like he needs to walk so he does, letting the cold wash him of all the barriers he kept until now.

********
“Lets stay a little longer.” Seungcheol says as he watches Jihoon packing his stuff. The latter throws him a dumbfounded look.
“It’s almost midnight. We’ve been here for sixteen hours.” His voice is flat and somehow it makes Seungcheol laugh. Jihoon joins him a few moments later and Seungcheol is once again caught in the sound, staring in awe as Jihoon’s face is lightened by the boy’s smile. ‘So beautiful’ he thinks.

“Come on,” Jihoon says after he calms down. “Seokmin wants to go to sleep and we have classes tomorrow.” He sits up and extends a hand for Seungcheol to take. The older sigh and he lets himself be dragged up. Was Jihoon's hand always this soft?
“Seokmin’s always sleeping.” He grumbles and Jihoon smiles at him softly.

The thing is that Seungcheol doesn’t want to leave just yet. He feels so content here, in the dimly lighten library. As oddly as it sounds, he feels protected, like Jihoon’s voice, smile, laughs keep the rest of the world away. But he follows Jihoon to the exit, still holding the smaller’s hand. They say good night to a just woken up Seokmin and made their way in the cold night. 

“It’s snowing!” Seungcheol raises his head at Jihoon’s excited voice and observes that, indeed, is snowing. No surprise there, it’s the middle of December, but it’s still beautiful. The night is tranquil and dark, the big snowflakes falling slowly, almost lazily. He turns his eyes to the short male beside him to see him smiling widely at the sky, eyes wide and full of what Seungcheol could swear are sparkles. Jihoon lets out a small laugh, filled with pure happiness.
“It’s so beautiful.” He barely whispers, like he’s scared he will ruin the silence. And Seungcheol nods eagerly because it really is beautiful.

************

Would have things been different if he would have realized back then what he truly felt? If he would have admitted that yes, the snow was beautiful, but he could see something a thousandth times more beautiful? It’s been more than a year since then, but Seungcheol can still remember the way snow matched so well with Jihoon’s skin. And if someone would ask Seungcheol what happiness truly was he would tell them about that day.    

When he reaches the library’s building fifteen minutes pasted after eight. He watches the big, glass door, but he doesn’t step closer to it. He knows he won’t go inside. He sees Seokmin at his desk, playing with his phone, but nothing else. He takes a few steps around the building and takes a seat on one of the benches. From here he can see the entry in the building, but he won’t be seen unless someone looks specifically there. And he waits. The day grows colder and he wonders if it isn’t just him who froze, but he doesn’t move.

********

“I’ll walk you home.” Seungcheol says. It’s dark outside and the streets look far too empty. Jihoon laughs.
“I’m not a girl, Seungcheol.”
“It’s still late. You don’t know what could happen.”
“I can protect myself just fine, thank you. Just because I’m short it doesn’t mean I’m helpless.”
“You know I didn’t mean that.” 
“Look,” Jihoon sighs. “Just go home. As you said, it’s late and I know the dorm is in the other direction. If it makes you feel better I’ll text you when I get home.”

***********

That’s how exchanged numbers. Seungcheol remembers with a smile how Jihoon texted him and told him he is in front of his apartment and Seungcheol got mad and asked him to text him when he is inside of his home, with the door locked, because that’s when he would have been safe and actually home. He should have known back then. 

His thoughts are interrupted when he notices the door of the library opening. And there is Jihoon, hair still black like the last time, but looking a little bit healthier. He has his headphones on and he struggles a bit when he walks, as he always does when he sat down for too long. 
Seungcheol sits up, wondering when did he noticed all these details, and follows the small boy. It’s dark now, his phone saying that he sat on that bench for more than ten hours, and he barely feels his hands but it is okay. Seeing Jihoon makes everything worth it. 

That day he does nothing else but follow the short boy to the dorms, just to make sure he made it safely. After that he returns to his own home, he calls and apologies to Mingyu parents for skipping work and goes straight to bed. It’s the first time he gets a good sleep in a long time.

In the next week he makes sure he finishes work earlier and runs to the library. Every time he walks behind Jihoon, at a fair distance not to be seen, sometimes he even stays in front of the dorm for a bit longer, he doesn’t really know why. Maybe he wants to go up, but he refrains from doing so. For now this is enough.

It’s snowing today and Seungcheol laughs a little because it’s the middle of March!, when it hits him and oh, it hits him hard.

He remembers wondering if he would drown in snow, him and Jihoon too, as the small boy carries him to his studio. He recollects how Jihoon shoved him up the stairs to the fourth floor, how Jihoon skin shined in the moonlight, just like the snow, and he just wanted to kiss it, to taste it. He sees how Jihoon pushed him away, claiming that he is drunk and that he would regret this, how he ignored the smaller and pushed him hard into the door, kissing him just as hard and he can almost feel how contained he felt back then, how happy when Jihoon started responding him. He feels tears pricking at the edges of his eyes when he hears himself talk after they finished and Jihoon is curled around him, he hears himself whispering the same words that he is too afraid of thinking now and he hears Jihoon sobbing and stating once again that Seungcheol is drunk.

“What are you doing here?” a voice brings him back to the present and he looks up to be met by the same white skin and pink lips he just reminisce. If Jihoon is taken aback by his tears he doesn’t show it, his body and face tense as he glares at him. Seungcheol is staring, he knows he is, but he can’t stop himself. He has half of mind to pinch himself, but he already knows this is real because he doesn’t remember Jihoon ever looking so coldly at him. 

“Seokmin said he saw you a few times this week. So tell me, Seungcheol, what exactly are you doing?” 
He winces at the way Jihoon pronounces his name, the smaller voice carrying nothing from its past warmth. The boy in front of him seems to notice it and Seungcheol can see his mask breaking for just a second.

“I don’t know.” He finally answers, his voice as quiet as Jihoon’s was a year ago. He sees anger in the smaller's eyes, but it disappears as quickly as it came. Jihoon sighs heavily and takes a place next to Seungcheol on the bench. His body goes limp and Seungcheol thinks that he may prefer the angry Jihoon because the boy looks so small now, so broken.

“Nor do I.” he hears him whisper and he turns completely towards him, watching Jihoon play with his fingers. “I don’t know what you want either.” The way he says it, all crumbled and sad, it hurts more than the words itself. Seungcheol lets out a long sigh and sets his eyes on his own snow covered hands. He can barely feel them. He shakes off the snow, but his fingers stay frozen.

“Wonwoo told me you are working now.” Jihoon's whisper surprises Seungcheol. He didn’t know that Wonwoo was a double spy.
“Yeah.”  He answers anyway. “I wanted to take a pause, to have some time to think what I really want.”
“And you know it now? What you really want?”

It’s the first time they make eye contact and Seungcheol holds his breath for a second. Does he know what he wants now? Watching Jihoon in the falling snow he thinks that maybe he knows. 

“I remember that night.” He says instead and he watches Jihoon's eyes go wide. “Not all of it, but I think I remembered enough.” He thinks it’s captivating, the way pink colors Jihoon's white cheeks, and he just wants to touch it, to see if it is as soft as he recalls. The younger breaks the eye contact but Seungcheol continues to watch him.

“I want to talk about it.”
“Oh, so you want to talk about it now.” Jihoon's voice drips sarcasm and Seungcheol knows the other is getting angry.
“I’m sorry.” He whispers, but he knows it’s not enough, it will never be enough.
“Broken things don’t get repaired if you say sorry.” The smaller says and it reminds Seungcheol of Wonwoo. “Don’t you think it’s too late for that?”
“I sincerely don’t know. Is it too late?” Seungcheol asks and Jihoon turns towards him. The older feels like he is scanned, Jihoon's eyes seeing through every part of his soul, but this time it’s not disturbing. Actually, he wishes Jihoon could really see through him, he wishes he could read Seungcheol's thoughts because maybe then he will understand.

“I wasn’t lying that night.” He whispers and he sees Jihoon tensing but his eyes remain on him. “It seems like drunken me is smarter than I am awake. Because drunken me knew what it took me three more months to find out.” Jihoon tries to turn around, but Seungcheol stops him, trapping his hands with his, feeling Jihoon’s warmth burning his skin.

“I am in love with you, Jihoon.” He states, eyes boring into Jihoon’s enlarged ones. “I think I always was, but I was too afraid to even consider it.”
He doesn’t know what else to say, waiting for a reaction from the smaller, something to tell him if he should stop or go on. And he receives one, a few moments later, but it’s definitely not what he expected.

“ you!” Jihoon spats in his face, jerks his hands free and stands up. Seungcheol imitates him and he thinks of the lamest thing ever, letting it out before he can stop himself.
“I think you already had, but I don’t mind.”
Jihoon turn to him, eyes drawn into slits, anger clear on his features. “You think this is funny?” he growls.

“Definitely not.” Seungcheol gulps down, because damn he ed up again.
“Good.” Jihoon says and he makes a step closer, violating Seungcheol’ personal space. “Because I don’t mind either.” He pushes his knee up and Seungcheol prepares for the pain, but the push in his stomach is gentler than he expected, just enough to make him fall back on the bench, but not enough to produce pain. 

The next thing his mind understands are a pair of thighs stranding his and warm lips on his own and damn his memories didn’t prepare him for this. Jihoon's kiss makes him all warm inside and churns his stomach in all the right ways and he seriously thinks he could become addicted to this. So he slides his lips eagerly, capturing Jihoon’s bottom lip between his, watching as Jihoon’s eyes close in pleasure and the younger leans closer onto his chest, his warm hands going around Seungcheol’s neck to gently pull at Seungcheol hair. The older encircles the smaller’s waist, bringing him even closer and he thinks that he never was so close to somebody before as he feels Jihoon heartbeats on his, racing together in a perfectly matched symphony. And there is Jihoon breathing deeply into his lungs and Seungcheol whimpers because this is heaven, Jihoon’s hot and sweet breath is even more intimate than their kiss and he wants to stay there, to slowly let himself be drawn into the smaller’s body. That’s why he lets out a small whine when Jihoon pulls away, just a centimeter.

“You better not forget this again.” He whispers, all wasted and Seungcheol opens his mouth to catch the smaller’s short breathes.
“I won’t. Never.” He promises and Jihoon smiles at him, the most beautiful smile Seungcheol ever saw, as he leans once again on his lips.

A.N:

This is it... the last part. It took me a lot to write and I'm still not satisfied with it... I wanted to make it fluffier... but I guess I really can't write anything else than angst :))

What do you guys think? 

I want to thank all of you once again! You are the best! And ... yeah... bye?