They’ve always hoped. Talked about it jokingly, all the way three years back when they were shorter with more sleep. Long after practice had ended, late at night before they fell asleep.

One day, they said. One day we’ll debut and win the rookie award. Soonyoung and Seokmin will take the trophy home and send photos with it home. Then they’ll show it off in the cabinet and show it to their grandkids.

In many ways they’re lucky boys. Got to debut, perform week after week and have people who cheer for them off stage. Even then it was distant, elusive. The company isn’t rich or strong. No money for media play, sometimes even stage outfits. But that’s okay. They can keep going. Soonyoung can keep dancing, keep making new choreography. Seokmin can keep singing and working hard at making songs.

Nothing is impossible. Things are just highly improbable. So they still foolishly hope against hope that they’ll win their first rookie award on a biased award show, despite knowing deep down that it’s not going to happen.  

And when it doesn’t, they try not to be upset. They always guessed. They always knew.

It wasn’t for them. Maybe in a perfect world it would have been. But the world isn’t perfect, they’re powerless in the face of money and connections. Who are they, really? Two stupid idol boys. Disposable. That’s all they are.

And what if that's all they'll ever be? 

Right then it’s easy to be angry. But anger is still easy to ignore. Drown themselves in the excitement of the night, surround themselves with all the friendly artists around them and ignore the obvious unfairness of the night. It’s frustrating. But that’s life, isn’t it?

They crash in the same hotel room, lying side by side on the bed. Somehow it feel like they’ve failed. Maybe if they worked harder, maybe they’d have been monster rookies so fearsome the show wouldn’t have denied it to them. Or maybe they’re wrong. They’re actually lousy,weak and fragile. The crappy forgotten counterpart to a successful group. It’s their own delusions, the love of the fans that make them think they’re better.

The awards are just a hunk of metal, an empty title. But right now it means something to them. 

No words are exchanged, but lying next to each other they can feel each other’s hurt. The similar, aching pain. Something they can't justify but still hurts. And they lie quietly, letting night meld with day and for the sun to rise again.

If they were the type to give up, life might be much easier. They also probably wouldn’t be here today. So all they do is work harder. Keep smiling, keep trying. It’s not the end. There are more battles to fight, more award shows to attend. More choreography to change and more singing to practice. But their doubt has only grown. Can they really make it?

It’s a question they don’t ask, like the doubts they lock away. It’s difficult. Sometimes when it gets really late, when they get weary, when they watch their fans trying desperately to boost help them win, it all seems so hopeless. Seventeen won’t make it. That’s what they’re both terrified of.

Yet they believe. Maybe it’s because that’s all they know how to do, but next to each other they think it’ll happen. The half-joking promises and dreams will be fulfilled.

And if it doesn’t?

Soonyoung wakes up some nights with nightmares about that. Terrified enough to scream but not sad enough to cry. If it comes down to that, would it have been his fault? Is he the one to blame? He lies awake, thinking about that and feeling so sad his body starts shaking. Tries to keep himself still, but Seokmin always wakes up. Pats his dry face, wipes his dry eyes and soothes him back to sleep in his arms.

If it doesn’t happen, Soonyoung has no idea how he can face Seokmin.

Seokmin knows. The award is nice, but Soonyoung is way too invested in it. Successful groups have gone without rookie awards. But still he wants one. At first for Seventeen, but now so Soonyoung will stop doubting himself. It’s miserable to watch, hopelessly watching him shake from sadness and fear but being unable to say anything reassuring.

It’s okay to cry, he settles on.

But Soonyoung thinks he doesn’t deserve to. Instead he distracts himself with more choreography and Seokmin tries to cheer him up some other way. Bad jokes, delicious foods and lots of hugs. 

Love and care does work, but success is something they still yearn for. 

Frankly, they weren’t expecting much. Way too happy to finally get a full stage after too many last-minute disappointments at Gayo Daejuns, pleased enough to perform alongside this year’s stars.

Shock. Disbelief. Happiness.

That’s what they feel when they hear Seventeen and rookie award in the same sentence, their song playing in the background. Make their way onto the stage, senior singers patting their backs and clapping.

They won.

Nothing feels real until Soonyoung feels the weight of the trophy in his palms. Smiling while listening to Seungcheol stumble through his speech. Seokmin’s face is straight as he tries to rein all his feelings in. Does he really deserve to cry like Seungkwan who’s weeping like a baby down there? Seungkwan might be younger, but he’s trained longer. How much did he contribute to this? 

Still when the fans are screaming their lungs out and so proud, he lets those doubtful feelings wash away. They made it, together. Seventeen made it. 

What Soonyoung and Seokmin can’t contain is their happiness. Smiling so brightly, lifting the trophy and waving at the fans. It’s real. Their work was acknowledged.

It’s a blur. So many wide smiles, so many tears. Right up until after their 80 portions meat dinner, Soonyoung has the most blinding grin. So stupidly happy. Smiling like he’s never smiled before.

Seokmin can’t see it, but that same stupid smile is reflected on his face too.

It’s easy not to cry until then. Alarmingly simple to hold off the tears until they’re both in their pajamas, lying sprawled on the bed. When everyone has already congratulated them and they’re back to bring regular boys again.

“We made it.” Seokmin mutters softly. Lacing his fingers with Soonyoung’s and gripping them tightly. Like they said they would. All those years ago, despite their joking tones, they were dead serious.

And now they’ve finally, finally done it

And this is when Soonyoung starts crying. Tears haven’t flowed from his eyes in a long while. Especially not happy ones. And as Seokmin blinks back, warm tears cloud his vision.

“We did.”

It’s not an end. The journey ahead is still long. So long they can’t actually see the ending.

But right now that’s not important. The moment is.  

They stay like that; fingers entangled together and soft sobs filling the room. Not bothering to get tissue because the feeling of grateful tears on their face is not something to wipe away.

And like that they inhale, exhale, smile and fall asleep.  

They’re nowhere near done yet, but it’s a sign. They can do this. They’re going to make it.

Together. 

-----

a/n: so I’m really happy they won the rookie award and then I wanted to write something so this is what happened it’s not very good but I hope I did their win justice?? owo!

shameless promo of my chaptered fic School Wars if you want light-hearted fun!!