p/s: on Sihyun’s side

I was in doubt, did I really need to make this decision? What if she still can’t accept the truth? What if she tries to ruin herself like before? What if she realizes this entire lie when the situation has become worse and there is no way back anymore? And what Bohyung has said really bothers her. They had a long argument tonight whilst Jiwon still didn’t want to accept the truth. 

P/s On Bohyung’s side

“are you really going to tell her?” Bohyung asked her. She raked her face in a tizzy, thinking about what will happen if what she is thinking right now, the probability of the situation become worst.

“how far we want to lie to ourselves? We all can communicate like this is a lie!!!! Even our existence is a lie” Bohyung slowly utters the words. Sihyun still in her deep thought but Jiwon already stand up and try to run, if not for Bohyung grabbed her hand right away.

“Jiwon!” She’s half-yelling at her. Bohyung forces Jiwon to sit again by grabbing her hand down and hold it tight. Jiwon eyes already turn red, not because she is sad, but she is holding her anger. She will never ever approve this conversation because she is the one who will hurt the most from their decision.

            Bohyung looks at Jiwon in pain. She feels that too. Between Boa, Jiwon, Sihyun and her, there is a secret that hold them together. The bonding between them is very strong to the point she herself cannot break it at the moment plus, she and Boa has work together on many thing job related this past two years. How come this need to be ended when one of them had realized the fact? Sihyun spoke to her before and she thinks she should give up on this and back to the track.

p/s: on Jiwon’s side

How can I leave her in this state? Am I that heartless person? She needs strength, she needs me! 

___________________________________

Boa looks at Jiwon who sat at the back of the audiences. That lady gifts her with the most beautiful smile ever. She smiles back but then, she bring back herself into the crowds in front of her and then she spotted Narae who leaning herself on a pillar not far from her. She only saw Jiwon and Narae but where is Bohyung and Sihyun? They’d promise to come to her showcase and press-release of her new album tonight.

            But come to think, Bohyung dislike being in crowds it’s just Sihyun, why Sihyun isn’t here yet? Usually, she is the one who will be the first between them. She always gonna be the first one to show support on whatever Boa is doing. Boa let out a small sigh, a little bit disappointment but she needs to show a smiling face for the audience.

Narae watch Boa carefully, after woke up this morning, she seems to forget what they had talked last night. She saw Boa give a long smile a moment before their eyes meet. Narae realized what had happened all the time, the progression of the event seems smooth but Boa seems uneasy, even though her body is here but her mind like fleeing somewhere, like she is having a deep thought. She let out a small sight too and hugging tight her body with her arms. She had tried any means she can.

“Narae!” She heard someone called her name as she walked through the small corridor that connects the audience area and Boa’s preparation room. The showcase just finished and she didn’t find much amusement to wait in that area so she’s heading into the room. She stops her step and saw Boa. “I didn’t see Jiwon, Isn’t she with you?” Narae shooks her head, somehow she feels really tired with that kind of question.

            “Sihyun and Bohyung didn’t come and I thought they must be busy” Boa stops walking, sit down and leaning on the wall. Narae turns back to Boa. She just watching Boa and listening to what she will say. Boa tilts up her head and looks to Narae. “Narae, there is something in my head.” She said that weakly

            “and what it is?” Narae sits down slowly, holding Boa’s shoulder and softly massage it. “there is something bothering me, something that Sihyun and Bohyung said to me this morning”

            “and what it is?” Narae ask again, softly and half whisper. She can read what Boa is thinking through her expression and she relates to what they had discussed last night.

            “as I try to remember it, but I still can’t remember but for sure it is like Bohyung and Sihyun had said something very important to me but I forgot the details” She throws her word weakly. Boa has never been this week since two years ago. She is battling with something.

            “Narae,”

            “Yes?”

            “I feel like sleeping, can’t we just go home and sleep?”

Narae checks on Boa. She said she wants to sleep but she always stay awake on her bed and yes. That is true. Boa is having sleeping problem.

            “Ah, Narae, Jiwon just went out a moment ago” Boa smiles to her. Narae will always visit her before her sleep and she is waiting for that because Narae will bring her something warm as she knew Boa's sleeping problem. Narae will always be the last person she sees before she falls asleep.

            “Warm milk tonight?” Narae smiles at her and brings two glasses of milk in her hands. Yes! That is just what she wants.

            Narae watch Boa taking a sip of the milk. “Narae…” She called Narae as she wakes up from Boa’s bed. “I’m just turning low your bed lamp” As she understands Boa’s concerns.  “Finish your milk fast and then go to bed”

            “Narae, I think, I can remember a bit what Bohyung and Sihyun talked to me this morning.” Boa said to Narae. She began to yawn. “But it still wasn’t very clear….” she pauses, somehow she feels very sleepy. “is it true Narae, that….I’ve …” And Boa completely falls asleep as the sleeping pills started to take effect. Narae wish Boa could say what she wants to say. She afraid, Boa will forget again when she wakes up tomorrow.

            She lifts up Boa’s blanket till her chest and patting her slowly. Watching this person sleeping for two years, she also builds a fond on her. As Narae leaving the room and slowly closes the door, she heard Boa calling Sihyun’s name, slowly and weakly. What is on her mind now?

Narae rushes to Boa’s room when she heard that girl screaming frantically like she is scared of something. And when she already in the room, she found Boa is throwing things nearby her, whatever she can grab. She is out of control. Something had happened and then….SLAPS! and Boa calm down immedietly

and the world turns silent for them.

She reaches behind Narae’s slowly, immersing her face and put her hand on that girl’s back. Narae notices something hot and wet on her back. Boa is crying slowly without any sobbing. She is holding back what she should let them out.

            Narae, she said… but Narae just stood silent, watching painfully and regretful on her palm that just went out of control a while ago, there is still hatred in herself but she regret more on her action.

            Narae, that hopeless girl calls her again. Narae is still taking silent approach.

            Narae, she said again. and Narae just keeps silent, letting out a small sigh. Boa then slowly put down her shaking hands and hugging Narae from her back.

            “I’m sorry Narae.” she said weakly. “I’m sorry……” Her body is shivering. Narae notices that

            “I am too weak to face my own self. I am too selfish to listen to you and now I’m ruining myself. I can't handle the truth”

            “It just because you are too arrogant to accept that. You already knew the truth but you keep denying it. You don’t want to get out from your comfort zone. I always am with you and how can you say that you have nobody?” Narae wipes her tears that almost passes her chin, there are still lots of thing that she want to say but, thinking that Boa’s state of mind is not clear, she’s holding that back. She sees the door infront of her keeps being far and far from her reach. She want to escape from this tired situation

             Upon hearing Narae’s respond, Boa streamlines her hands more hoping some more respond but still Narae doesn’t want to move from her position. Slowly, she sits on the floor and leaning her right side on Narae’s legs. She wipes her tears.

            “Sihyun and Bohyung said that they didn’t exist in this world….including Jiwon” she started to talk. Narae was silent and gasps. Has Boa had come to her sense?

            “but Jiwon said that wasn’t true..” she sits straight and hugging her legs. Tears are flowing slowly on her cheeks. Narae sits down facing her back to Boa. They are leaning on each other back.

            “and then somehow, I always think, even though Sihyun always supported me in whatever I am doing, she always will appear suddenly, I will never sense her presence without her manage to fail with her sudden appearance”  her words comes to make more sense.

            “and I never sees Bohyung on the first sight but she will appear on the second time I tried to find her. I never see her outside except in the studio and in the house….but Jiwon, I didn’t find anything weird about her” She stops for a minute, trying to find more strength

             “last night, after we had a long talk, when I want to go back to my room, I saw them arguing with each other. I heard everything. I heard all the lies that had been hiding behind the curtain all this time. all of it. Including what I scared so much.

              I went to my bed keeps denying what I’d heard and when I woke up this morning, I forgot everything that had happened” Boa lift up her head, letting out a heavy sigh. Narae is already in her deep though. Tears are flowing nonstop. Is Boa really waked up from her dream?

              “and what makes you remembered it again?” Narae takes a brave step by asking that question. Boa grabs her phone that lying on the floor not far from them.

              “this picture” she gives it to Narae. Narae take the phone and looks at the picture. Yes, she knew this picture. This is the picture that Boa claimed, her most loved and valuable picture of their friendship. A picture of five them eating happily together but,

               “as you can see, it only two of us in that picture. Where is Sihyun, Bohyung and Jiwon?” she explains painfully. “and I can’t remember why I’m acting like this if not you slapped me” she looks around the mess she had done.

               “Tell me Narae, what actually is wrong with me? I know I’m not physically unhealthy, just tell me Narae the truth, I’m sick with all of this. I’m tired”

The moment Boa said that Narae realizes, there is still hope here.

               “it is called schizophrenia and I am your doctor”  She smiled at Boa, wipes her's and Boa’s tears and then hugs that girl.