1 9 5 0

June 1950

Jaebum tends to wonder a lot about how Jinyoung's voice would sound like if he actually has the ability to talk. Like, how his name would sound like with Jinyoung's voice. How would his tone go when he tells Jaebum 'I love you', would it be a strong statement like how he does it? Or would it rise at the end like a question?

Well, perhaps it's going to sound gentle and warm.

But, would it be nice enough to sing a song like the singers in town? Or would it be better for poetry readings? Or maybe it could be as credible as the radio announcers.

He also wonders how Jinyoung will sound like when they're like this. Like when Jinyoung is lying on his back, his hands gripping Jaebum's arms, pulling him down to him. Like when Jaebum pushes his hips against him making his eyes close and mouth open.

He just wants to confirm if it would be as beautiful as Jinyoung.

Jinyoung always wakes up earlier than Jaebum, but for some reasons, he never bothered waking him up. He's just there cocooned in Jaebum's arms, watching the latter stir in his sleep. It's as if they always have the time in the world whenever they take a refuge inside Jaebum's grandma's house.  She's no longer around, but Jaebum convinced his mother to take the house for himself.

When they were younger, the house used to be a huge playhouse for them. Now, it's still somewhat a playhouse, but they don't play anymore.

Sooner, Jaebum wakes up too and as he opens his eyes, he's already mouthing ‘I love you too' It's after he felt Jinyoung writing multiple 'I love you.' on his chest. Jinyoung smiles as a reply, shuffling closer to Jaebum's warmth. They never wished to stay like that forever. It was somewhat an accident waiting to happen, that they're going to be like that until the end of time. Even without wishing for it.

But now, Jaebum wished he did. He immediately helped Jinyoung with his clothes as soon as they heard the loud exploding sound. He's certain it's not too near from them; it could be two towns away. But they can never be sure, it wasn't like they weren't ready or this, it has been all over the newspaper and radio.

Jinyoung looks so frightened with the sudden explosion, though he didn’t hear it, he felt it. Jaebum holds him close and cups his face. 'Calm down.' he slowly mouths as he gently rubs Jinyoung's back. It was almost impossible for Jaebum to understand the signs Jinyoung was making when he answered.

'I am scared.' Jinyoung says with his hands with incoherent noises coming from his mouth. Jaebum kisses him on the lips and replies, 'I am here, don't be scared.' Jinyoung seems to calm down after it, but there's still the tense in his eyes.

It’s their own people who are living up in the north and they have been planning to take the whole country. They knew that the war is about to happen anytime, but they aren't expecting it to be this soon.

Jaebum covers Jinyoung's body with the blanket as a temporary shield from the rain. He keeps Jinyoung close to him, getting himself drench on their way home to their house. "Jaebum-ah!" Jaebum's mother exclaims as soon as she sees Jaebum and Jinyoung entering the house. Seeing how bad Jinyoung is trembling, she runs towards her bedroom and covers him with a towel.

"What happened, mother?" Jaebum asks, as he too dries himself while his mother makes them teas. She halts hearing the question and carefully, with her forehead creasing, she replies, "The north declared war." Albeit Jinyoung doesn't hear any of it, he still manages to catch the message by reading her lips.

He too, freezes after hearing it, making Jaebum pull him in an arm’s length. "What is going to happen now?" Jaebum dares to ask after minutes of eerie silence. His mother takes a deep breath and tries her best not to break down. "All men ages from fifteen to seventy are going to be sent to the war," She says. "Except the disabled and childbearing ones." she finishes as she looks at Jinyoung.

Jaebum is only eighteen, which means even though he's a bit young; he's a perfect candidate for it. Jinyoung is only few months younger than him, but unlike him, Jinyoung can bear children. It really scares him, but the thought of Jinyoung not fighting in the war somehow alleviates it.

Jinyoung almost breaks his neck when he turns to look at Jaebum. His eyes are beaming with unshed tears. Jaebum's mother turns around and wipes her own tears as she finishes making the tea. Jaebum's knees are weak, both from seeing Jinyoung crying helplessly like this and from the thought of killing people.

"When... when do... we have to leave?" Jaebum asks, reaching his hands to Jinyoung's cheeks, wiping the tears with his thumbs. "Tomorrow." his mother replies as she sets the cups on the table with her equally wet face.

Jaebum can feel his heart thumping hard against his chest. His head is also throbbing with great pain. He can feel himself going insane, if not from the hand clutching hard against his. All the while ever since they woke up, Jinyoung has been staring at him. His face contorted into an unreadable expression.

The train station is filled with people, families of the soldiers who are being sent to the north. A lot of them are crying, kids, mothers, wives, even the soldiers themselves. The train is almost full and what irk Jaebum most is that majority of the passengers are young boys. There are boys, yes boys, young boys who don't look like they're already fifteen.

Jaebum is not stupid, he knows that there's a chance that half of them wouldn't survive. Half of them or more wouldn't get back alive. They don't even know when it's going to stop.

Then, there's a warm on his cheek and sees her mother's face that looks like she's trying her best not to cry. "I'll see you soon." She says, rubbing Jaebum's cheek affectionately. 'I'll see you soon.' Jaebum repeats back in his mind, he wishes he'll see them soon. He nods at her and goes to envelop her in his arms.

He's slowly realizing it, the gravity of his situation. So he goes to hug her tighter, he doesn't want it to happen, but it could also be the last time he's going to hug her. "I love you very much, mother." He whispers to her, biting his tears. "I love you, too, son." her hands are trembling against his back so he pulls away and kisses them.

Jinyoung is just beside him, holding something in his hands. When Jaebum turns back at him, he is met by a desperate kiss. He can taste Jaebum's tears in his lips. "I love you forever." He whispers against his lips and hugs Jinyoung tight. If he's not going to hear it by his ears, Jaebum hopes Jinyoung hears it by his heart.

He leans back and kisses Jinyoung again, memorizing how it tastes and feels like against his. He really wished he could hear him talk even just for once. Jinyoung pulls away and cups his cheek; he’s staring at Jaebum too, like he too, is memorizing Jaebum’s face. Then, he takes the initiative and kisses Jaebum again; gentler than how Jaebum did earlier.

Jaebum pulls away when he hears a soldier, probably someone who has a high position, calling all the new soldiers. He has a stern look on his face, but everyone can tell he cried the night before. His lids are puffy and there's a fragile tightness in his jaw. Jaebum can go in last, so he looks back at Jinyoung.

Jaebum sees Jinyoung lifting his arms with a heart pendant hanging on a gold necklace. Jinyoung's messily weeping by now, his whole body is trembling while he's locking necklace. Jaebum holds his face and kisses him more, and more, and more, and more. He prays to god that this isn't the last time he's going to kiss Jinyoung's lips.

"Everyone, please go inside the train, now! We are leaving in five minutes!" the soldier from earlier says with his fake stern voice. Jaebum takes Jinyoung's hand in his and places it on his chest, above his heart. With their surrounding coming into a blur, Jinyoung, probably, for the last time, signs a heavy 'I love you.'

Minutes later after the soldier's departure, Jinyoung, and Jaebum's mother found themselves inside a train. A different train, a train heading to Busan with weeping passengers on board. Jinyoung hasn't stopped crying as well, he's fortunate enough Jaebum's mother is holding his hand all the while.

October 1950

Jaebum has lost count, both on the days he's been here and the number of the people he killed. There are young ones, barely ten years old; holding a machine gun like it's his toy. He doesn't want to kill the kid, knowing he still has bright future waiting for him. But if he's not going to kill him, the kid will kill him.

With a sudden deafening silence, he looks around his trenches and sees blood everywhere. Few months ago, they are hopes, dreams, aspirations, passion, love, now, they are just huge lumps of flesh. They're empty, devoid, nothing. When he turns his head back to where the north Koreans are, he raises his arms and kills them like there's no tomorrow.

The next thing he knows, he's inside a school with people running around him. There are nurses going back and forth to the bleeding soldiers. On the corner of the room, is one of the youngest ones, Yugyeom, Jaebum remembers his name. He's watching everyone with wide eyes like he doesn't look like he belongs there.

Well, he doesn't really belong there, no one belongs there.

November 1950

Jinyoung isn't even awake yet when he feels his insides moving upside down. He runs towards the small bathroom in the small house they are currently residing. He pukes almost nothing, but he still feels nauseous. It has been five months since the war started and they haven't heard from Jaebum since.

He turns to his side when he sees Jaebum's mother handing him a glass of water. She slowly mouths, 'what's wrong?' while rubbing his back. Jinyoung takes the water and rinses his mouth before he tells her that he's feeling nauseous. She looks taken aback for a second and then she pulls him back to his bed.

Jinyoung can't make up what she's probably thinking. It's only when she reaches her hand onto his wrist when he finds out what she's trying to do. Her eyes widen on the first seconds and then she does it again, and again on the other wrist.

She doesn't really know whether she should smile or not, be happy or not. So instead, she touches her own stomach and mouths, 'baby.' It's Jinyoung's turn to widen his eyes and touch his own stomach. He asks her, 'Baby?' whilst pointing to his tummy. She nods at him excitedly and goes to hug him.

They both know that the happiness they have right now won't lessen the sadness they have about the war. And they haven't heard anything from Jaebum from the last months. They don't even know if he's still alive. Jinyoung tears up without realizing that Jaebum's mother is also crying with him.

And then he tells her, 'there's going to be a small Jaebum here soon.'

Please Subscribe to read the full chapter