Chapter 23

Fractal of Heart (Mostly Baekhyun’s POV)

“How many times do I have to tell you to stop, Kristian? That Park Chanyeol is not for you, child. His sister killed your father. What would your parents say if you keep your feelings for him? Do you understand me, Kristian? Let him go, let your feelings go. Time will heal you my grandson. I’ll find a suitable person for you to be with, okay?”

They always asked me to throw away my feelings like they are disposable, as if it doesn’t matter anymore now that it was battered and used. They wanted me to dance along with the strings they put around my limbs, do what they please, and be the good little boy they wished me to be. Be the perfect grandson. Be someone they can be proud of. That’s what they want…that’s what they expect.

I have fought for my right. I know that they are not always right. Even when Chanyeol’s sister was at fault, it doesn’t mean that he bears the same sin. I tried to make them understand, I remember falling on my knees, I remembered how I cried myself to sleep.

But I couldn’t remember how long it lasted.

I just woke up one morning feeling empty. A chunk of my heart was lost, I couldn’t feel the pain anymore, I couldn’t even cry even if I think I should. Since then, I told to myself, I should probably give up. I am not sure if Chanyeol will still forgive me. I sent his sister to prison and to top the cake with cherry, I even left him on the same day he lost her. I was the bullet that shot his heart. I am also the poison that spread in his blood.

It is understandable that he’ll loathe me, curse me, and wish for me to suffer the same.

That’s what they say right?

The solitude of my room became my friend. I didn’t know when it started, but somehow, I found myself drowning with my imagination and my paint. A number of canvases were stored in my room, different kinds of paint on my desk and I started painting. It kept my mind blank, it kept me at bay.

I created a lot of things. The first one I drew was a dirty kitchen. There were piles of plates on the sink, cobwebs hanging on the corners of the ceiling. There were dusts on the floor, and some prints of slippers against the wood tiles. The second thing I created was a family of mice. They were having fun and playing in the middle of the night when everyone in the house was asleep.

I drew a cat next. A lazy, fat cat who was drinking his milk on a fancy bowl. Then I drew scroll of royal invitation. I drew a blue dress and a golden carriage. Those are my last one. Now, as I drag the tip of the brush against the canvas, I felt a little lighter. I’m drawing a pair of glass shoes. A simple but elegant thing given to a girl who just wished to be free and follow her heart. It was a ray of hope, of happiness from the confinement of the big mansion that was supposed to be her home.

Another month has passed of painting this gigantic image. But I don’t have any regrets. When I put down my brush, I looked around and gazed at my works.

I used to hate him calling me princess, I used to hate Cinderella. I don’t even know why he thought of me as one. But right now it was the only thing I wished to be.

I wished to be like her. I wished to have a chance to run away in the night, to go to the place where my heart is. I wished to hold the hand of the man I love, and probably dance with him until midnight. I wished to live in a fairy tale where there is a happy ending, an ever after.

I stared at the glass shoes and unknowingly shed a tear.

“I wished to be with Chanyeol…” was what came out from my lips, before everything came crushing down. I felt again the pain that is haunting me for days. I dropped my palette, and the jar of dirty water on the table fell too when I tried to balance myself on the table. It shattered and the fragments scattered on the wet floor.

I braced myself, as my stomach ached like it was burning. I groaned and stumbled back.

Here it is again, I thought.

That night I didn’t join the dinner. It wasn’t very surprising. I’ve been doing it for years. No one dared to push me to doing the things I don’t want to do. But whenever no one is looking, always, in the middle of the night, I'll stuff myself with anything I could reach. I will always make sure to make my mouth full of food, chew it and eat it until I'm bloated. While doing so, I was hoping the food would fill up the emptiness in me. I hope that it would leave me satisfied but of course, things wouldn't go the way I wanted.

I don't know but it seems like my body was rejecting anything I eat. Right after stuffing myself, I would always gag and I end up throwing all the things I just ate. 

It's hard. It's frustrating but I couldn't tell anyone. I don't want to tell anyone. 

What's the point? 

They never listen anyway.

====

Ever since their Kayne died almost two years ago, all the burden were left on Kevin's shoulders. He has to keep their business growing but that wasn't the hardest part. It was taking care of Kristian who, he suspects, had distanced himself from everyone. What he fears for his nephew was his health, physically and mentally. His father was strict to his grandson, and honestly, Kristian couldn't do anything but obey. 

Kevin had seen the changes it caused to his nephew. He had seen him lock himself in his room, spend his whole day painting, forgetting to take care of himself. He witnessed how the light from his eyes started to dim, as the laughter died from his lips, until nothing was left but silence. As the days passed, he feared that he'd come home with Kristian losing his mind.

Coming back from a board meeting, Kevin entered the mansion and was greeted by his butler. 

"Would you like us to prepare your bath, young master?" 

Kevin took off his coat and gave it to the middle aged man. "I'll take a bath later. Just prepare tea for me in my office."

"Yes, young master."

"How's Kristian? It's already past dinner time, did he eat already?" 

"I'm afraid the second young master hasn't left his room since this morning."

Kevin snapped his head at the butler. "Did you serve him food then?"

The butler bowed his head, "Yes, but all of them were left untouched...Second young master didn't even open the door for us, all of the trays were left on his doorstep."

Right after the butler finished talking, Kevin took two steps at a time, going upstairs and rushing towards his nephew's room. He couldn't blame the servants because it was understandable that they wouldn't force Kristian if he doesn't want to eat. Only he could talk to his nephew and scold him if he needed to. Kevin didn't even bother knocking. He grabbed the brass knob and slammed the door open. But to his surprise, the figure he expected on the other side of the room wasn't there. The canvas was left to dry, the palette was by the small table, so was the jar half filled with tap water.

"Kristian?"

Kevin walked inside, looking around the spacious room. He noticed that the bathroom wasn't locked so he went inside to check. Kristian wasn't there. He began to worry, so he rounded the king-sized bed, going to the small door towards Kristian's dressing room. However, he stopped mid-way when his eyes fell on the slumped figure on the floor, bathing in his own vomit.

====

No matter how hard Xiao Rin tried to persuade the representative she was talking with regarding their project, they still said a flat no in the end. She tried her best, honestly. She would kneel and beg if she had to, but that was too unprofessional. With a heavy heart, she dragged herself out of the small office and made her way out. But when two maintenance staff passed by talking about the arrival of the Chairman today, an idea popped out from her mind.

She made sure that no one was following as she followed the two to where they were heading. Lucky for her, it was to the staff room. When they left, leaving their things inside, Xiao Rin invited herself in and locked the door with a heavy breath.

She eyed the uniform hanging on the side and grinned to herself. It’s time to dress up.

It took her a couple of minutes to dress as one of the staff. Lucky for her, she only brought her small bag that she easily hid on the cart of cleaning materials. With a face mask on, she pretended to wipe the glass walls when someone passes by but her main target is to find the Chairman’s office.

If that manager doesn’t want to agree, then she’ll have to try gaining the Chairman’s opinion. As far as she knows, he was also the owner of the Blue Palace, so it will be a direct conversion with the most involved person.

On the verge of giving up, Xiao Rin found herself on the highest floor of the building. She was hoping that the office was here, because if not, then it was possible that she may have missed it from the previous ones on the lower floors. As the elevator’s door opened, almost dropped upon seeing the luxurious and spacious interior design of the place. Unlike the other floors, there were several solid walls serving as dividers but here—everything was made of glass as the floor was made with black marble.

Xiao Rin forgot about the cleaning cart that she left by the elevator. She wandered around the deserted place and looked for any soul in there. Somehow, as she went further, she caught a sight of an office-set up on the corner of the floor.

There was a huge table, a sofa set before it and a glass coffee table. Behind the said table was a tall leather chair, with its back facing Xiao Rin. She admired the formal design and even the flat screen television on the right side of the office. Whoever owns this place must have put it there for entertainment purposes, just in case they are stressed.

But, who exactly owns the office?

Xiao Rin brought her gaze back on the table, eyes widening upon reading the name plaque displayed on the glass.

Clyde Park

Chairman

Just when she was about to leave because she didn’t want to get caught inside the chairman’s office without the chairman himself, she almost bumped into someone who just arrived on the floor.

And upon seeing the familiar navy blue sweatshirt underneath the dark gray coat of  the familiar man before her, Xiao Rin prayed for the floor to swallow her alive. Right now.

The man’s thick brows creased, his piercing eyes fixed on her widened pair. “Who the hell are you? What are you doing in my office?”

====

Three hours to go and Luhan would be able to reunite with his beloved pillows and bed sheet. He hasn’t been sleeping much the past few days because of the hectic work. Sometimes he would find himself similar to his lover at some point—glued with his laptop and working overnight, if not, even on weekends. It was surprising that their 5 year relationship didn’t falter because of their careers. Luhan would have to give it to Sehun for being understanding and mature all of the time.

As he stretched his limbs against the backrest of his chair, his table vibrated because of his phone. He took it from its holder and frowned when he saw his mother’s name and face flashing on the screen. Without second thoughts he answered it, because, in normal days, his mother will never call him on weekdays, especially within his working hours.

“Hello, mom?”

“Luhannie, my dear…” she greeted but Luhan felt something was odd with her voice. “Hey, mom, what’s wrong? Why did you call me at this hour?” he asked politely.

“I’m sorry honey, I know I shouldn’t have, but… but I have news for you. Your father said that it could wait until you’re done with work but I think not.”

Luhan bit his lower lip in worry, “What is it mom?” he asked, barely above  whisper.

“It’s Baekhyun, Luhan.”

Upon hearing the details of this so-called news, Luhan didn’t care if he’ll leave before time. He quickly grabbed his coat and left the office, rushing to the basement and running towards his car. Luhan’s hands were shaking, fumbling with his keys as he started the engine. He had never driven so fast before on his way home.

“His uncle called me just a while ago and… and he said Baekhyun’s not fine. He found him unconscious in his room and they had to admit him in a hospital. He’s been there for almost a day and Kevin was worried about his health. He…he called me for help. He wishes you to come to London as soon as possible together with Dr. Zhang. He’ll send a private jet for you two. So please honey, go home and pack your things. The jet will arrive at 10 pm at your building’s rooftop. Dr. Zhang is preparing as we speak.”

Luhan’s vision was blurry as he recalled what his mother said over the phone. His fingers were tight on the wheel as he kept himself from punching something. For over five years that he had heard nothing from Baekhyun, he hoped he was doing fine. But all of those were crushed in just a single call.

He should’ve seen this coming. For whatever reason, Baekhyun isn’t happy with his family. He knew he was suffocating there but Luhan couldn’t do anything for him. Why must they take him away? Baekhyun was happy here in Seoul. Here, he might not be a nobleman, but he was Chanyeol’s queen. Here, he was human. A human who lives, who laughs, who gets angry, frustrated, and even sad.

But why is it that everytime he’s in that hell of a mansion, something dreadful would always happen to his best friend? His brother?

“I’m coming, Baekhyun.” Luhan whispered against the silence, fighting back his tears.

====

The next day, Kevin woke up from the sofa in Kristian’s private room. He was awakened by the nurse who came inside to check his nephew’s condition. Followed by her was Dr. Anderson. Kristian was still asleep, and judging by the dark circle under his eyes, he’s not getting proper rest the past few days. As Kevin examined his face, he noticed that he’d lost weight. In other words—Kristian’s condition isn’t good.

“We have stabilized his condition and he’s fine for now, Mr. Heinsworth. He’s suffering from eating disorder, that I can see, and he’s lacking nutrients and vitamins. We highly suggest that you get him checked by a psychiatrist. Does he have a history with depression?”

Kevin pursed his lips, nodding, “I’m afraid so. I have already called his doctor”

“Then, that’s good. When he wakes up we’ll run some test again and probably by the fourth day he can be discharged.”

“Thank you Dr. Anderson.”

“I’ll take my leave then.” He said, giving him a gentle pat on his shoulders.

It was already evening when he got a call from an unknown number. Upon receiving it, he realized that it was Dr. Zhang, Kristian’s doctor. He and Luhan is now in London and on their way to the hospital. He only had to wait for thirty minutes outside the room before he met a man in his early fifties and a young man whom he assumed was Luhan.

“Where is he?” Luhan asked in accented English.

Kevin looked at the closed door of the room and Luhan took it as a sign so he went inside, leaving the two there to talk.

Luhan brushed his hand on Baekhyun’s now red-brown hair, finally letting his tears fall as he kissed the younger’s forehead. “Baekhyun-ah,” he whispered. “What happened? Hm?” He sat on the stool beside the bed and held the needle-free hand of the other. “It’s me Luhan, do you hear me?”

And as if Baekhyun was just waiting for him, his best friend slowly opened his eyes, looking for the source of the voice. Even in the slightest opening, he recognized the sparkling doe eyes of his friend which somehow made him think he was dreaming.

“Baekhyun,” Luhan smiled at him, but the idiot has snot dripping down his nose together with his tears. The elder of the two couldn’t contain his happiness when the younger squeezed his hand, followed by Baekhyun’s signature eye smile.

It was enough for Luhan to know Baekhyun’s awake.

====

If I was dreaming, then maybe I don’t want to wake up anymore. Luhan was beside me when I opened my eyes again. I barely remembered throwing my guts out before blacking out. The smell of antiseptic was enough evidence for me to realize I’m in a hospital. But if I was dreaming, I wouldn’t feel Luhan’s grip on my hand. It was reassuring, as if, he was saying he’ll stay.

He’ll be there. Just like old times.

He’s my brother in heart, after all.

Luhan blabbed about many things. Most of the time he’s scolding me for losing so much weight. He said my cheeks sunk, and the bones in my hand were a little obvious. I couldn’t help it. I don’t want to eat with anyone. But when I eat, the aftertaste of the food was disgusting, so I throw it up.

“When you’re fine, I’ll squeeze out everything from you. Remember, I want details, huh?” he reminded me, flicking my forehead.

I caught that hand and squeezed it. “Luhan-ah,” I said.

He sensed my mood so he turned serious again. Luhan waited for me so I finally asked, “I want to go home.” I softly said. Luhan pursed his lips, and I didn’t like the tears that cascaded down his face. We both know where that home is.

I don’t know why but, I found a reason to smile a hopeful smile. “Can you make some magic… and make my wish come true?”

====

Luhan went out of the room with his eyes puffy and red. Kevin was sitting on one of the benches as Dr. Zhang went in the room to talk to Baekhyun. He sat beside the older male and take a deep breath. From what he could see, Kevin was as stressed as him, probably clueless on what next step to take.

“Even when I’m related to him by blood, I know you know him better than I do.” Kevin said with a bitter smile. “You grew up with him.”

Luhan smiled, “He’s my brother.”

Kevin nodded, “I can see that.” Throwing his head back against the wall, he sighed, “Kristian deserves better than this. I know he’s unhappy, he’s lonely and that’s what pushed him on the edge. We put him on the edge.”

Luhan saw the regret in the elder’s eyes when he continued, “I only want what’s best for him. I just want him to be happy. But he ended up like this. He’s starving himself! He barely eats every day…” Kevin breathed out. “What do I do, Luhan?” he asked, looking at him.

The said man smiled at him, and answered the truth without second thought.

“If you want him to be happy, and if you wish for him the best, all you have to do is one important thing.” Kevin waited for it, before Luhan took out his phone, scrolled through his gallery before clicking an image to show it to Kevin.

The elder saw a candid picture of Kristian and Park Chanyeol from a few years ago walking hand in hand in the parking of a building, they are looking at each other as if they are gazing at the most precious person in the world. “Give him back his heart.”

A/N.

and because I'm sleepy , I'll edit it next time > <

Leave comments! hahahha I love hearing/reading your thoughts! <3