First Touch On Faith
First Touch On Faith It had been after all those years—after all those days that they spent together. Her lips curved upward as she recalled the first time they met. He was filming his music video “Choosey Lover” with the rest of s in TVXQ as known in Japan and now worldwide. She remembered the times where they cuddled in front of the television; he would share the story of how hard it was for them to debut in Japan. How much tears they’d shed? The beads of sweats dropped? The amount of times they were admitted to the hospital.
Tears glistened into her eyes, it was for the members’ determination; it was his passion that made him held on. Perhaps, if he didn’t, they wouldn’t have met. There wouldn’t have been that love spark. She wouldn’t have the chance to realize how much he meant to her.
He was in the club included with a bar, which she could no longer recalled the name of. She wasn’t even sure if it still existed anymore. The film set was crazy, she remembered. Dancers were used and by passengers were included. She didn’t know how back then she had agreed to sign up for the trip to Japan. Probably, because she was always fascinated with different cultures and the sceneries Japan offered. But she somehow ended up going on a short field trip, and that was when the ride of her roller coaster began.
The class that she came with, that day, she remembered clearly, they were across the club he was filming. They were observing the antique and ancient boutique shops down the street. The buildings were connected to each other. Tourists, residents, filming crews, and her classmates were all shoving each other trying to pass by the each other. She tried to keep up with her classmate, but somehow she’d gotten lost. She didn’t have anyone to stick with, she wasn’t the best socializer. She could if she wanted to, she claimed. Because she didn’t have a best buddy to cling close to, she was alone. Somehow that was deemed to happened, it was a good thing she was a loner.
The lost girl, named Choi Ashiya, the girl that now realized she was madly in love with Kim Jaejoong, found her way into the club. If fate or destiny was playing with her, it made her peeked into the filming site. Why was she even curious about the filming site? She had been wanting to major in theater. Directing and filming were always a great interests that swept her off her feet.
Ashiya grabbed onto the curtain that was blocking her from the loud voices. She could hear loud music playing and stopping, people chatting about the backdrop and the make-up on the group of artist.
She parted the crack of the curtain and her eyes landed on the actor of the scene. He slid down right onto the couch and gave a smile that could kill. She was sure the camera caught it all. Indeed, it was an enchanting smile. She still remembered it till today.
“Cut,” she heard the director shouted. That was when she realized the actor on the seat was staring at her. She didn’t know how, but he managed to see her through all the barriers between them.
She couldn’t understand what he said to the others as it was in Japanese. That was when she realized, she was lost and she couldn’t speak the language. She closed the curtain and took a breath. His smile became a permanent image she couldn’t erased.
For a fact, she wasn’t always so bad with direction. It was the dim lighted hallway that made it confusing to find the exit. She looked for any exit sign. When she came across one, she hurried. It was the best solution to just return to the hotel and give an explanation to the teacher later if she ever paid attention that Ashiya was not with the group anymore.
Ashiya stopped when she heard someone yelling in the distant. She turned and spotted the same guy in the same outfit walking towards her.
That moment he saw her name written in Korean, he laughed.
“Hello, seems like I can help you,” she heard his low chuckle.
She blinked once and then twice. He was speaking the same language as her.
“Are you a fan?”
She furrowed her eyebrow. She had no clue who he was or what he is.
“Why would I be a fan?”
He seemed to have gotten the clue and dropped the topic.
“Are you lost?”
“Seems like you can already tell.”
He shifted uncomfortably as she only gave her harsh and direct answer. But that was what she loved about him. He never let her tone of voice stopped him from getting to know her.
“I’m Kim Jaejoong,” she could tell his smile was awkward as if it was the first time he introduced himself to a girl.
She nodded her head.
That simple meeting struck him like crazy she recalled him telling her. After that meeting, back in Seoul she met him again. He was on another filming set. He told her the song was called “Purple Line”.
After they kept meeting, he gathered the courage to ask her on a date. She hesitated, but agreed after calling it a getting-to-know-each-other time rather than a date. Ashiya could only remembered the way he smiled, probably at her foolishness that she came to realize about herself.
Today, while walking down the sidewalk, through the park, next to strangers, and down the quieter road, she was heading toward the fan meeting Kim Jaejoong was having with his fan since he was discharged from the army.
She wanted to let him know that not only were his fans missing him. She was crazily missing him as well.
Not only does the fans wished to see him out on news constantly. She was crossing her fingers as well.
Not only does she yearns to hear his voice. She was replaying his sweet voice whispering in her head.
Ashiya was doubtful at first, whether she wanted to show back up again in his life. A month before he enlisted, she had broken up with him. She had call their relationship a dead end. But the time passed only proved to her that he was the one she needed. She didn’t have the courage to face their problems back then, but now she do. When he needed someone to talk to, when he couldn’t express or speak a word of how he feels like, or when he sat down drinking alcohol, she would try her best to understand. Though he may not be the one that satisfied all her wants, though he wasn’t her first option, he was someone who had showed her a different way of love. A love that was sincere from the heart.
No one was able to have given that to her—perhaps, not even from the man that has everything she looked for.
Taking her time, she wanted to arrive at the time the fan meeting was over. It was her personal problems and his personal life; she didn’t want it to involve the fans.
Just as she thought, fans were leaving. The cleaning crew already started breaking down the place. She spotted him bowing and greeting staff members and hugging them. Just by seeing him, her cold heart became warm again.
She saw him walking towards the van. He slid the door opened and walked in closing it after. Ten minutes passed and the van was still there. She knew he was tired and must have taken a nap. Gathering up the courage she built the passed days, she walked up to the van.
A few knocks and he didn’t open. Not once did she recalled him sleeping too deep. She decided to knock louder and the door swung opened revealing a sleepy Jaejoong.
“Can we have a talk?”
She could tell by the look in his eyes, the words she told him still pained him. His eyes never lied.
“Give me a second,” he shut the door on her.
Ashiya’s chest heaved up and down from nervousness. She didn’t know whether his action was from anger or tiredness.
It wasn’t long until someone brought his car and he bid goodbye to the staff members, who worked hard for the day’s event.
Ashiya looked out the window when he drove and she was positive he was heading towards his café, J Holic. Memories flashed through her mind, he must remembered when she told him that she loved the feeling of a café.
Jaejoong was now seated across from her. It was her chance to fix all her wrongdoings. All the wounds she gave him.
Jaejoong gave her a long hard stared. It was joy to see her again, but he couldn’t deny suffering from the dark brown eyes piercing through his telling them to break up.
He knew her well, but he didn’t know what to anticipate as she was filled with unexpected decisions. Sometimes, when he thought he understood her, he was wrong. Sometimes, when he thought he didn’t, it turned out he did. Times when she mentioned they weren’t a fit for each other, they just weren’t compatible, there was other people out there better suited for them, those times were the times that she struck him like lightening. He felt like he could have died a hundred times from her words, but those times didn’t compared to the words ‘let’s break up’.
Ashiya repeated in her mind thousands of time that she really need to stop fighting with the voices and options in her mind and just say what she was there to say.
“I…” Ashiya looked up into his eyes and his anxiousness from his shoulders was killing her.
“I’ll let you decided after you hear me out. I can understand whatever choice you make.”
There was a long pause before she opened .
“After thinking for a long time, I have finally understand and have the courage to keep fighting for our relationship. I have decided to have faith in our relationship.”
The dead silence swallowed her alive. His silence killed her.
“Sorry, if I have taken up too much of your time,” tears filled Ashiya’s eyes.
So, he must have been this pained when she told her so. Not even a bullet or knife through the heart would hurt as much. Being dead wouldn’t have describe anything. But losing the most precious one, watching the person you love most fade away without being able to do anything was what hurt more. Watching him or her, walked away without having the chance to grab them was what was aching. The pain throbbing inside her heart, she told herself she was prepared for the worst but the worst seemed worst.
That short moment of silence was an eternity. Her tears were falling, she was crying like a madwoman sitting still. Listening to her own heart pounding against her chest, she wasn’t mad. She wasn’t angry. Just a bit sad. Just a tinge of regret.
She lowered he head unable to show her face to him. She didn’t want to see his reaction.
“Don’t cry,” she heard him, “Don’t cry.”
Ashiya didn’t understand why she was crying too.
“You can leave if you want,” she managed to speak.
“Do you not need an answer?”
She jerked her head upward locking her eyes into his. There was a reflected light of hope in her eyes.
“I know I’m a bad woman and you don’t have to suffer yourself with again. Just after some realizations and thinking, I just thought I could give our relationship a push. I should believe more in us. I believe that you’re the best man to complete the emptiness I feel. No one can filled in that empty spot. I’ve searched and searched but it ended up being your name, the one that gave me that sincere love that I seek for. It was right in front of my eyes, but I couldn’t face the fact that it was you. But now I’ll put in the faith and accept the fact that you’re the one to complete the loneliness I feel. Now, I have finally experience how it feels like to lose you. It wasn’t pleasant you know. But still, I’ve tried. You don’t need to consider my feelings for your answer.” She mentally smacked herself for saying the last sentence,
She was fearing and hoping he would definitely consider her feelings and understand that she just needed time to think and sort out her emotions.
“Actually, I have been thinking while serving my service in the military. I thought it was the best to let you go as you wished. As you always mentioned. But sometimes I had the feelings that you were just joking that I wasn’t the fit for you. When you returned into my arms, letting me hug you, kiss you, just the mere feelings of holding your hands, seeing you, and able to breathe in your scent, I have become delusional and jumped into conclusion that just maybe I might be the one. I just needed a little bit of more effort. Funny that as time had gone by, it was proven to me otherwise. I wasn’t as important as I thought I am.”
It must have been painful to choke out the words, but telling by how well he was able to control his words and emotions, she knew he had done some thinking just like hers.
“I’m sure you know that you’re the one that understand me most. I just don’t want you to pressure yourself to come back to me against your will. I will like to give you your freedom. I don’t want to cling onto you anymore. I don’t want to be the cause to your sadness. Don’t come back to me because you may pity me because no one truly have given me their love.”
Ashiya didn’t reject his words. She didn’t protest. She didn’t object. Though she did have love him sincerely, her actions had showed a contradiction to her words. That was where their misunderstandings started.
Ashiya walked over to his side and grabbed his hands into hers, “Jaejoong, this time let me be the one to chase you. Let me be the one to show you the love you deserve as you have done for me. When it’s painful to see me by your side, let me know and I’ll stop. I’ll leave. If you decided to keep me, thank you.”
Jaejoong looked into her eyes. Of course, her eyes and words were always sincere. And because it was sincere, once a mistake happened, that was when the pain was doubled.
“Do I deserve for you to come back to?” his question caught her off guard.
That was when, she realized she had pained him exactly like how other significant people in his life did. He was doubting whether he was an important enough person to not be deserted. He wasn’t sure if he was a person capable of deserving sincere love. How ironic?
Ashiya wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him down to the same eye level as her, “you deserve more. Someone even better than me,” she smiled.
That was when he leaned forward and planted a simple chaste kiss against her lips. It reminded her of how perfect his lips were against hers. Just how right it felt, then and now.
“Same old you,” she laughed.
He grinned slightly, without a word.
“Just let me prove myself that I do deserve your love as well, hmp?”
Jaejoong wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her in raising an eyebrow.
“Did you learn some techniques to cover up your emotions in the military?” she questioned, “It’s quite hard to tell what you’re thinking at this moment.”
He childishly nodded his head then shook it, “that for you to find out. You said you’ll prove your love to me right?”
She laughed, still as playful as ever, “you know I hate this playful side of you right?”
He immediately frowned. Her laugh vanished, “I’m just joking.”
“I know,” he smiled.
She narrowed her eyebrows.
“I’m anticipating how you’ll prove yourself. I’m interested to know how much you’re going to pay attention to me.”
“I do pay attention to you,” she defended herself.
All he did was nodded.
“So, I am able to chase after you?” she wanted clarification.
He looked up into the ceiling and nodded. How childish?
It was strange to tiptoed, so she poked his under chin. And he looked down at her.
She once again pulled him down and planted another yet simple kiss against his lips, “Welcome back.”
Jaejoong laughed at her way of greeting him after a long heartfelt talk, after her eyes were puffed like muffins.
“May I give you a proper kiss?”
Ashiya was taken off guard. There were still a few customers left in the café, but it didn’t seem like he cared, as he already placed his right hand behind her neck pulling her forward for a proper kiss.
They smiled in between their kiss. She was happy, but he was happier.
She definitely wouldn’t disappoint him this time. It was a new year, and that new year began with her confirmation that she’ll have faith to fight for them.
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