Zitao had never known love before. Life is messy, and things get in the way. Many things had gotten in the way of potentially looking for love. Zitao never knew much about love to begin with. Like most, he had seen the cheesy movies where two people who couldn't be more opposite meet in a very ironic or coincidental way. The movies where the two people at first find too much fault with each other and then through a stereotypically situation suddenly feel a thump thump in their chest. Yes, he had seen those movies but knew they were too good to be true; however, he'd also known about the darker sides of love. Love where things can be full of fear. Or when two people try so hard to make it work, but they simply aren't meant to be together. Zitao had the idea that love was something he'd never fully understand. He was under the strict illusion that he would never feel the crashing weight of love. Love was coûter les yuex de la tête.

________________________________________________________

It was raining. Heavy rain that left everything it touched soaked when the rain was over. It left it's mark on whatever it came in contact with. Kris hated rain like that. Not for the reason of preferring sunshine, but because the rain had left him with memories of not only the accident, but of the fatality in the accident. Joonmyun left a bit of himself on whatever he did. In hearing one of his piano pieces, immediately one would be able to say 'that's Kim Joonmyun' as if he had physically put himself into that piece. It was a trait that not many people had. That power Joonmyun possessed was one of the reasons he drew people in so easy; and, it was one of the reasons Kris had fallen for him. Kris admired that ability to leave a mark on something. It meant nothing Joonmyun ever did was bland or half-done, he put himself into everything he did. Though Joonmyun's skill was blessing, it had curse side effects. One's Kris tried his best to turn a blind eye to, convincing himself that Joonmyun knew what he was doing and he was able to say no when he wanted. 

*
"Joonmyun, cancel the concert! People will understand if you just cancel one date of the tour!" Kris was desperate to get through to Joonmyun. He could smell alcohol on him. His eyes were lifeless and surrounded by dark circles. The past few months were taking a heavy toll on the young musician to the point where he looked like the embodiment of death. Through that time, Kris had been there telling Joonmyun to slow down, take things easy. But he didn't listen. And in that moment, push was coming to shove to the point where Kris was about to tie Joonmyun down and make him get some rest.

"You don't understand! Never have Kris. Just admit how jealous you are of me! I have it all. I'm on tv, I'm in magazines, I'm playing Seoul City Concert Hall in a sold out show tonight and here you are telling me to cancel. Why can't you just be happy for me?!" This wasn't Joonmyun speaking. Kris knew it. Whoever this person was, they were under a great deal of stress and it was making them say things. 'It's the alcohol, it's the stress.' Kris thought to himself. "I hate the way you try to tell me what's best. Just because someone heard you play and you got a couple gigs doesn't mean you're a somebody. No one knew the name Kris Wu until you opened up FOR ME!" Joonmyun screamed. He stood up and threw the glass cup against the wall, coming dangerously close to hitting Kris. "Where are the keys? I need to leave!" Kris didn't flinch, still in shock over the words that just exited the mouth of Joonmyun. Was he right?

Joonmyun flew from room to room knocking things over looking for the keys. Finding them, he flew past Kris and went for the door. "Get to the car, you're invited to this event." Still motionless, Kris thought about not letting Joonmyun drive. The younger never drank much, a glass of wine or two after a concert was about it and he always got home safely. With the toxic atmoshpere encasing them, Kris thought it best not to say anything more. With a coast in hand and a cloudy mind, Kris walked to the elevator and stepped in. Upon reaching the ground floor, he walked to the car and got in. He looked over a Joonmyun, not realizing that that was the last time he was going to see the man he loved alive.
*

Kris entered his apartment, the blinds still shut and allowing no light in. The rain had left him drenched and shivering, but he put all that aside to deal with a sudden wave of emotion the slammed into his brain. He never did stand a chance getting away from those feelings when the rain came. But recently it had gotten worse. Kris would lay in bed for hours and simply cry. Cry about not just missing Joonmyun, but about missing the time he seemed to live in a happy, careful way. The days when the sun seemed warmer, the moon seemed brighter, and the the shone for solely him and Joonmyun. Tears would fall over the thoughts that he passed by any chance there was to prolong those days. No matter how many hours he spent crying or trying to tell himself nothing could be done about it, there was always the nagging feeling hiding away in his mind ready to spring up on him when he least expected it. There didn't seem like any way to deal with it, but as he entered his house, Kris' gaze somehow ended up on the piano in the corner. Maybe it was the guy who told him he played well, maybe it was something else. Kris Wu pulled the strings on the blinds and let the grey light flood in. He lifted the cover off the keys, sat down, and slowly began to press keys. He had no intention of speeding up or even playing a piece, but the untainted sounds of piano cords helped drown out the screaming voices of self-haterd and anxiety. Though it seemed small, this was the biggest step Kris had taken since the accident. A small step that would soon make all the difference.



Hello~~~~~~
I am so sorry I have been gone! So many things have been going on.
It has been crazy and my computer broke and I just haven't had anything in my brain.
But here I am with whatever this chapter is. It gave a backstory to the accident. Plot twist now that the findings show Joonmyun caused it.
Anyway, I will try to update more.

coûter les yuex de la tête: means that something costs the eyes in your head, in english we say something costs 'an arm and a leg'.