This, Heechul decided, had to be the most brilliant crap ever invented by mankind.

He was smiling gleefully as he stared at his newest creation, hanging at the doorframe to the kitchen – a mistletoe. He would not disclose to anyone how he had come across such a thing, but apparently, it was yet another Christmas tradition with a twist suitable to Heechul’s taste; if two people met in the door underneath the mistletoe, they had to kiss.

Heechul was feeling slightly mischievous today, needless to say.

He was well aware of the fact that certain members of the household would not like this tradition – actually, most of them would be very frustrated with him for putting it up. And as such, they would, most likely, refuse to execute the act.

Unless, of course, they happened to meet their loved one underneath. Then it was a completely different story, but not half as entertaining as if, say Siwon and Kangin met underneath the damn thing. Heechul sniggered at the thought.

Then again, he decided, as long as he spent a few minutes observing the mistletoe and forcing any passerby’s to kiss, no one would refuse. He would just glare at them, and the case would be done – no one wanted the wrath of the diva after them. Sometimes, Heechul decided, it was fun to be known as vile and y. He suspected he might even be able to bully Sungmin into kissing someone other than Kyuhyun, if he was persistent enough about the traditions deal and glaring sufficiently.

Also, the tradition card was sure to get Leeteuk on his side, even if the leader would not be particularly fond of the concept. Whatever, he would agree anyways, since it was a Christmas tradition and Leeteuk was a nutcase. Heechul chuckled to himself as he put the last finishing touch on the subtle plant and stepped away discreetly to observe.

He had actually gotten up extra early to fix this thing – early enough to surprise anyone who might walk through the door. So he simply perched himself on the kitchen counter (not caring that Ryeowook would be upset with him for sitting at the counter instead of next to the table) with a cup of coffee and waited – and waited.

It is Kibum who comes in first and, much to Heechul’s disappointment, alone. But he quite like the younger’s company, so he supposed it was not that bad. They chatted a little about absolutely nothing at all, before  Kibum announced he was going to take a shower. Heechul had only shrugged, not even thinking twice about it as Kibum strode out of the kitchen.

… Only to meet Ryeowook in the door, making the two almost collapse.

It took a couple of seconds before Heechul realized this fact, but when he did, he eagerly jumped up and cried out.

“Halt!”

Both of the two younger stared at him confusedly. Heechul grinned like a madman, and made his way over to the door with an almost sneaky look. It never meant any good for his poor dongsaengs.

“Do you see that thing hanging on the door?” He asked wickedly, looking at the two as if they were his preys. They nodded their heads in unison, sharing an equally confused look.

“Well,” Heechul continued, snickering slightly. “Then you might know that that is a mistletoe, and the mistletoe is an ancient Christmas tradition. Whenever two people meet underneath it, they have to kiss, or else they’ll have bad luck for the entire next year.”

“Really?” Ryeowook’s eyes widened, though Kibum only looked skeptically at his hyung.

“Really?” He echoed, though with a much more sarcastic edge than Ryeowook had.

“Really.” Heechul confirmed easily, not bothering wiping the grin off his face. “Now kiss, you two!”

“Okay!” Ryeowook complied easily, leaning forth and slightly up to catch Kibum’s lips. The older was quicker, though, and pulled away before they touched.

“Whoa, slow down, Wookie!” He said, putting a hand on the eternal maknae’s shoulder. “Why should we listen to Heechul-hyung? And what about Yesung and Siwon? They won’t be happy…”

“Oh…” Ryeowook looked like he did not think about that. “That’s true…”

“Well,” Heechul interrupted, not happy that a clever dongsaeng was about to spoil his fun. “It is actually a real tradition and, or, myth, and I’m sure Leeteuk will approve and agree with me. And you don’t want bad luck for a year, do you? Besides, it’s not like cheating if it’s not emotional. Which it isn’t, I hope, though I can’t guarantee for your feelings.”

“Please, Kibum-hyung, I don’t want bad luck, and I don’t think Yesung would have wanted me to have bad luck either,” Ryeowook pouted cutely, looking up at Kibum, who sighed and rolled his eyes.

“What if I step away from the door?”

“It still counts, as you have met already. Karma will know.”

And Karma takes the face of Kim Heechul.

“You’re such a manipulator, hyung,” Kibum snorted, but eventually gave in and leaned down to give the expectant Ryeowook a small peck on the lips. The youngest blushed furiously and immediately ran away, but Kibum decided his work was done as well, and hurriedly walked away from the kitchen.

Heechul deemed the mistletoe a great success.

As the members eventually got up and came to get their breakfast, Heechul was pleased to see that so many members met in the door, and even more satisfied by successfully having them all liplock.

The next couple meeting was Donghae and Kyuhyun, who agreed easily enough. Donghae, with his easygoing and kind attitude, and Kyuhyun with the mischievous streak almost matching his favorite hyung’s, were easily persuaded, and Heechul had to restrain himself from bringing out his phone and snapping a picture, because the two of them were really cute together. And stayed with their lips touching for much longer than needed, but he blamed that on Kyuhyun. Not that he minded, anyhow.

After that came Eunhyuk, who, unfortunately for Heechul, was without company and simply sat down next to Donghae at the breakfast table. Heechul was relieved that he had remembered to inform Donghae not to reveal his scheme to anyone else. As always, Donghae was obedient and complied.

However, the ever obedient dongsaeng was about to leave again very soon, prompting him to almost collide with Siwon at the door. Heechul had simply given him the look, to which Donghae shrugged, and promptly kissed Siwon (though he had to drag him down by his shirt to reach up, surprising the kitchen with the rare show of dominance). At this, Eunhyuk had raged, and suddenly found himself underneath the mistletoe along with Siwon and Donghae. Heechul cackled gleefully as he explained the deal with the mistletoe, earning himself an unfortunate little .

Next came Henry and Sungmin, who were a bit more difficult to persuade, because of Sungmin’s disapproval of intimate touches to anyone but Kyuhyun, and Henry’s innate shyness. But it took surprisingly little time before Heechul had himself a ridiculously awkward and adorable couple giving a hesitant kiss to each other.

By this time, the members who had already gotten up and seen the terror were slightly wary of exiting the kitchen again, but they had to admit, it was pretty amusing to watch HeeDictator put the members through such an awkward process.

Siwon and Kibum came in again at the same time, neither really protesting to having a full make-out session underneath the mistletoe, before Heechul rudely shoved them away, complaining that they were taking up all the space for hilarious situations.

Kangin dragged himself in afterwards, followed by Yesung. Heechul had to pause for only a second before he had somewhat awkwardly made the two participate in the tradition as well. Naturally, the duo shared one of the weirdest kisses ever known to earth, but Kangin should be happy Leeteuk was not around, as he automatically took control of the kiss and turned it into something… More. With Yesung being somewhat unable to protest, and Ryeowook too terrified to do anything to save his boyfriend, Heechul was left to stop the issue of autopilot-Kangin. It was like he was drunk, he thought to himself, and was actually a bit pained to separate the two, for it was prime entertainment. Only Ryeowook’s devastating look made him take pity on Yesung. The other members gave Kangin a pointed look as he sheepishly sat down, too awkward to excuse himself.

Siwon then attempted to go out and crashed with Zhoumi in the door. Needless to say, it was one of the stiffest, plainest and tallest kisses Heechul had seen in a very long time. No one was impressed.

Although most of the members were up and aware of the momentum by now, there were still some incidents, although rarer than before;  Siwon entered once more, and found himself face to face with Henry. Zhoumi had practically yelled at him from across the room when he grinned and gave the shocked boy a deep kiss, contently strolling his way again. Heechul found himself contemplating that Siwon would probably not need to be forced to kiss anyone ever more.

Shindong was busy rubbing sleep out of his eyes when he came through the door, and Heechul noted with dismal that he was all alone. Disappointing indeed. But success came when Shindong was about to exit, and Leeteuk finally had awoken and stepped through the door. Heechul internally debated whether Kangin/Yesung or Shindong/Leeteuk was the weirdest couple so far. And no, Heechul did most certainly not have pity for poor Shindong, who had to kiss Leeteuk in Nari’s place. He said Leeteuk looked enough like a girl for Shindong not to feel like a homoual, anyways. And after hastily pulling away, Shindong had muttered that, “he feels like one, too.”

Heechul had almost deemed himself done for the day by now, until Siwon (again) decided to stroll through the door, only to face Leeteuk, who was still standing there from his interaction, if one could call it that, with Shindong. Needless to say, he had happily given Leeteuk a deep a kiss as any, leaving the confused leader staring after him as Heechul barked at the horse not to walk in and out so many times, it was getting annoying, did he want to kiss everyone in the house?!

After forcing a kiss from Kyuhyun and Zhoumi, Heechul decided he had had enough fun for today, and meant to go to his bedroom to entertain himself.

… And then suddenly, Hankyung was in the doorway.

“Chullie,” the Chinese spoke, smiling crookedly as he put his arms around Heechul’s shoulder. Heechul smiled affectionately at him, suddenly glad that they were alone in the kitchen.

“Hey there,” he whispered with a smile. “Where’ve you been the entire morning?”

“I heard you made the members do weird things,” Hankyung ignored him, and proceeded with his own agenda. “Christmas something… Right? You made them kiss each other?” How Heechul loved that y, slight accent.

“It’s a mistletoe,” he said proudly, pointing up at the guilty plant. “When two people meet underneath a mistletoe, they have to kiss, or else they’ll have bad luck for a year. And I thought it would be fun, and Heenim gets what he wants, you know that, Hannie.”

“I know,” Hankyung chuckled and pulled the Korean closer. “You’re being very naughty, Chullie.”

“’Naught’ is not the word I would use,” Heechul smirked as he allowed his arms to circle Hankyung’s waist. “I would say ‘cunning’. But I have to listen to my Chinaman, don’t I?”

“You do.”

“Then, Chinaman,” Heechul continued, looking up at the mistletoe again. “It appears we are caught under here. Do you know what that means?”

Hankyung only smirked. Of course he knew what that meant. And Heechul knew he knew. Soft lips collided with coarser, firm ones like so many times before as the two lovers indulged an old Christmas tradition.

And so, finally, Heechul met his match underneath the mistletoe as well.

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DRUNN DRUNN RETARDED CHAPTER IS RETARDED I'LL GO WATCH A GOAT TAKE A DUMP RIGHT NOW

Although, isn't the image of Yesung and Kangin kissing hilarious? *shot*

And yes, I'm in love with EunSiHae. They are kyute.