Lost But Not Defeated

TRANED
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Seungyoon gingerly bent over his unconscious lover, being careful not to brush against the breathing tube and feeding tube sticking out of his mouth. It’s their eleventh night in the ICU. Kim Jinwoo remained in deep slumber, the beeping of his heart monitor on the side was the only only thing in that room that assured Seungyoon that he was still holding on.

 

Brushing the hair away from Jinwoo’s face, Seungyoon tenderly pressed his lips on his forehead. He watched him for a few minutes, absorbed in his thoughts. Looking at him now, Seungyoon can feel something stirring from within - something different, something he feared.

 

A dying star about to be swallowed by the darkness of the universe.


 

“It doesn’t look optimistic. The patient suffered extensive blood loss and went into shock. He also severed an artery.” The doctor shook his head, his white lab coat blending in with the bland hospital walls.

 

“We resuscitated him twice already but oxygen may not have reached his brain successfully. Even if he wakes up, there’s a possibility of him not having full use of his left hand and having a mental disability.”

 

Seungyoon felt numb, the letters on the DNR form he was given coming out of focus.

 

“His chances are very slim.” The doctor's eyes are pitying, “We’re monitoring him closely. There’s nothing more we can do.”

 

“But there is still a chance, right?” Jeongkyung spoke up from beside him, slowly rising from his seat. “Kim Jinwoo is still alive. He can still wake up.”

 

The doctor released a disheartened sigh. “His heart can stop again at any time.”

 

“We can perform resuscitative measures but each time we do we are increasing the risk of further brain damage.”

 

Seungyoon can’t think straight anymore, was there something that he could have done to change things? His gaze fell over Jinwoo, his skin is so pale that it was almost translucent. White pillows, white sheets, white bandages - a throbbing starts from behind his eyes, steadily growing into an ache.

 

“We need to know.” The doctor presses, “Do you want us to keep resuscitating him? Or do you want to just let him go the next time his heart stops?”

 

Seungyoon stayed quiet, teeth clenched behind his lips.


 

He shook his head slowly, eyes burning at the recollection.

 

Although unconscious, Jinwoo is still there. With him.

 

The weird gravity between them still exists.

 

Returning to his chair by the bedside, Seungyoon placed his hand over Jinwoo’s chest. He could feel his heart beating from right under his palm, it was weak yet steady. Closing his eyes, he began humming softly. It was the melody to a song that he composed not too long ago. He didn’t have his guitar to accompany him tonight but he did have his voice. He hummed it a couple more times, his fingers lightly tapping against Jinwoo’s chest as he recalled the lyrics that he wrote for it and started singing delicately.

 

I’m the number zero, empty inside

nan sogi teongbin sutjja yeong

You’re the one (1), the light that filled me.

neon nal chaewojun bit hana

That’s right, you plus me is one

geurae neo deohagi nan hana

 

Seungyoon’s voice started to shake, the weak pulsing from under his hand was getting stronger. He opened his eyes and glanced at Jinwoo’s face warily, eyes focused on his closed lids as he tried to comprehend what was happening at that very moment.

 

Somewhere, his precious star is rioting.

Beautifully broken, a little lost, but not defeated.

 

It was a sign from him, Seungyoon believed. As realization set in, the corners of his mouth couldn't help but twitch as they slowly turned up, the beating of his own heart matching the beat of Jinwoo’s as he sang.


 

I’m nothing, a zero (0),

nan amugeottto anin yeong

You’re the one (1) person who looked at me

neon nareul ppwajun hansaram

That’s right, you plus me is us.

geurae neo deohagi nan uri

.

.

.

 

It was her first day on the job, having transferred from a small hospital just outside the city. She only got the keys to her new apartment the night before and she hasn’t had the chance to unpack much of her things yet. Walking into the hospital that morning for her shift was a bit of a surprise for her, not only was it far bigger than she imagined but the staff members turned out to be quite an intriguing bunch too.

 

She spent the first couple of hours familiarizing herself with her new surroundings and getting acquainted with the medical staff that she’ll be working with closely. They had plenty of stimulating stories to share but what everyone honed in on was a patient that had been brought in exactly fourteen days ago, Kim Jinwoo.

 

They had a lot of speculations about him. However, the only thing they know for sure is that he had attempted to take his own life. Now he lies quietly at the furthest end of the ICU ward.

 

The nurses talked in hushed tones about the young man that never leaves his bedside. None of them knew exactly who the young man was, but seeing how he had stayed with the patient this whole time, they can only assume that the two know each other and must be quite close.

 

Another thing they noted is the mysterious middle aged man that would visit the pair multiple times in a day. He was always impeccably dressed, walking down the ward in a very dignified manner. Some of the staff members even caught sight of him getting in and out of an expensive luxury car. This led to the staff members gossiping and betting about their mysterious patient’s real identity.

 

Now standing just a few feet away from the subjects of the hospital’s hottest gossip, she couldn’t help but grow nervous. She was only a glass pane away from seeing this Kim Jinwoo and his unidentified bedside companion.

 

Stepping in, she drew back the curtains a little. Just as she anticipated, a young man was indeed sitting by the patient’s bedside. He turned her way as she entered the enclosed space, not saying anything.

 

“Hi. I - uh, I need to change his IV.” She anxiously started, motioning to him with her hand.

 

He nodded at her, his bright yellow ‘smiley’ shirt vividly stood out against the too white hospital walls and the numerous beeping medical equipment that was in the room.

 

“I haven’t see you before.” He said, not moving from his seat. He had an earphone inserted in one ear while the other was in Kim Jinwoo’s ear.

 

“I just got transferred here.” She replied, approaching the bedside. “It’s my first day.”

 

Turning to face him again, she smiled slightly as she noticed a stubborn looking cowlick sticking out from his hair. Somehow, she thought it suited him with his handsome boyish features and all.

 

Deeply curious and feeling a little bold, she decided to see if she can perhaps converse with the young man. Although he looked exhausted (the dark circles under his eyes was a tell-tale sign), he seemed like a really nice guy. He just has this ‘good boy’ kind of aura around him.

 

“Your body must be aching from sitting on that chair.” She started, testing the waters. “You should go home and get some proper rest.”

 

The young man looked up at her, he didn’t seem upset but he did seem mildly amused.

 

“I am home.” He answered, a small smile forming on his lips. “He’s my home.”

 

She chuckled a little at his playful sounding response as she switched Kim Jinwoo’s almost empty IV bag with a new one.

 

“You two sure seem close.” She teased. “Doesn't your girlfriend get jealous?”

 

“I don't have one.” He answered, still smiling.

 

“Seriously?” She leaned forward, finding his response surprising.

 

“Seriously.” He confirmed, his grin getting even wider.

 

He’s really cute, she had to admit. Playfully, she narrowed her eyes at him, “You’re young and good looking. You should go out and find a pretty girl to have fun with.”

 

“I could but I wouldn't.” He turned his head towards the sleeping Kim Jinwoo, “He won't like that.”

 

Now done with changing the patient’s IV. She checked to see if there's anything else the patient might need. Seeing that the bandages covering his cuts didn't need changing yet, she had a look at the urine drainage bag hanging on the side of the bed.

 

“Boo! You’re no fun. Girls don’t like that.”

 

“It’s fine.” He responded, “I’m not interested.”

 

“You say that now, just wait until you see a really pretty girl.” She raised her brow at him, “I’m sure you will eat your words.”

 

“That’s...” He cocked his head to the side letting out a tiny sigh, staring at the sleeping Kim Jinwoo yet again. “...not gonna happen.”

 

She huffed at him, shaking her head. Leaning over the slumbering patient to check on his breathing and feeding tubes, she found herself unable to move. She was unexpectedly and inexplicably drawn in by his delicate features. His dark lashes were fanned across his cheeks while his well-defined lips held the tubes inserted inside his body in place.

 

“Beautiful, isn’t he?”

 

She blinked a few times, unable to look away. Now fully understanding why the staff members in their ward referred to Kim Jinwoo as ‘Sleeping Beauty.’

 

“Just wait until he wakes up and opens his eyes.”

 

She turned to look at him, a delicate warmth seeping into her chest when she found him smiling - not just with his lips and mouth, his whole face was lit up. His almond shaped eyes shining bright.

 

“You’ll be amazed.”

 

He rose from his seat, lightly cupping Kim Jinwoo’s cheek.

 

“He’s got a whole galaxy in his eyes.  Imagine, a million twinkling stars...”

 

She smiled softly at the

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Hipsterian
#1
Chapter 3: Hello!

Why am I crying? Why you made this to my heart? That itching, that sweet and sour pain that you created with your beautiful words and this sad but still very well written story.
I loved it. It was so gentle, so soft and full of light and adoration, the way Seungyoon loves Jinwoo. It was precious. And I loved that you added some song lyrics. Very cute.
I don't think I have words good enough to tell you how much I liked it. I tried, at least.
Hoping that you're having a good day!
Nadyamin #2
Authornim I really love your story
When will you update? please update soon
Mel-ody
#3
Chapter 3: I like how you described them from nurse's view . my heart skips a beat when yoon said - just wait until he wakes up and opens his eyes . yoon is really precious . his love for jinwoo is so pure . it is feels like he is cleansing jinwoo with his love
Mwoing1025 #4
Chapter 3: omg no no no this is need to e d with happy ending. They deserve to be happy. Their love for each other is just idk how to put it in wordㅠㅠ kang seungyoon is amazig person for loving jinwoo and not giving up, and jinwoo you need to wake up and back to yoonie's hands bcs that's all you need and want!
maetamong92 #5
Chapter 3: Nooo this so sad. I am so sad for Jinwoo. And Yoonie too. They should have a happy ending T_T
Mwoing1025 #6
Chapter 2: authornim stop making me cry
Mel-ody
#7
Chapter 2: Oh authornim you just ripped my heart . I wanted 2nd chance for jinwoo . Poor seungyoon . It is so cruel . Is jinwoo self harmed
Mel-ody
#8
Chapter 1: I cant read jinwoos misery . My heart is to weak for jinwoo . Please make him find happiness in live with seungyoon . Make him forget everything what he was what he did for living
escapeartist #9
I finally got to read this story! I know it took me ages and I'm sorry♡
Still, I'm so happy that it's chaptered! This plot deserves to be chaptered and I hope long. I don't think I can let go of it until I'll make sure that Jinwoo let go of his past and moving on with Yoon. This chapter broke my heart, especially the way you described him cutting... okay I felt his pain for real!! You went a bit gore here and it fitted, though it's not my favorite part, just as his abusing, but we all needed it.. this is cruel tho.. I still want to know why Jinwoo got his first trauma, I think that's important, even though my heart is not ready for it!
I'm excited for the development of this story and especially the main characters! Please don't be too cruel with your readers♡ Ily❤
yeniwantschange #10
Chapter 1: Jinwoo being broken this way brings me pain. I trust Yoon and their love. I saw it pull Jinwoo through.