a/n: rated pg-15/r for a few words

“Jonghyun?”

A sound of moving sheets could be heard before a grumbly voice answered.

“Mm, yeah?”

Kibum tapped with his fingers on the mattress under him, every once in a while taking a loud inhale to think of how he should state his thoughts. Without making the other feel uncomfortable.

They laid both in bed, their backs facing each other. Kibum was sure Jonghyun was almost asleep, however the man couldn’t let him drift off this time.

“Spit it out. I want to sleep.” Jonghyun sighed when Kibum stayed quiet. “I can almost feel that you are going to say something stupid.”

Kibum giggled, he’d known Jonghyun for much longer than today. Even though Jonghyun still acted like a cold idiot sometimes, he wasn’t fooled anymore. Now he could easily tell what Jonghyun really meant beneath all his faux anger and annoyance.

Being his boyfriend for half a year bloomed into something beautiful; something Kibum believes is amazing if you compared it with how things were between them during the first couple of months of knowing each other.

“I wondered… you know, we share the same bed for a while and-” Kibum jolted a little when a hand suddenly rested on his shoulder.

“Tomorrow,” The hand retreated slowly, Kibum his back and glanced at his boyfriend. Jonghyun still lay with is back to him. “You are nervous and I don’t like it. Sleep…” Jonghyun whispered the last words, probably almost in his dream world again.

He said it so easy, ‘sleep’. What was he supposed to do? Close his eyes and… well… sleep? Kibum was wide awake, the contours of the chair next to his bed almost visible. Still, he tried to close his eyes.

“You really didn’t care to make a list?” Kibum groaned when they stood in the grocery store. Jonghyun simply shrugged and pushed the car forward, he didn’t seem as bothered as Kibum was.

“Nah,” Jonghyun paused by the shampoos and deodorant, his eyes were scanning the items while he crossed his arms. After a moment of indecision Jonghyun stopped his perusing to look at his boyfriend with a questionable gaze.

“Citron or strawberry?” Jonghyun asked, his hand already reaching towards the citron. Kibum rolled his eyes with a soft smile and took a few steps away from Jonghyun, watching his boyfriend put the bottles of citron shampoo in their cart.

They did grocery shopping pretty often together. It's been only three months since Kibum moved in with Jonghyun, and it's also been three months since Jonghyun learned that Kibum will always let Jonghyun have his way.

The younger didn’t seem to care that much what they bought, as long as it was good quality and not too expensive.

Kibum didn’t forget what he had been wanting to try for quite some time now, so he slowly eyed Jonghyun – who was busy choosing the prettiest shampoo – while he walked a few meters to the left, finding a nice assortment of little bottles with lots of colors and flavors. Bubbles and butterflies seemed to tease Kibum’s stomach when he quickly grabbed the one that stood the closest to him. He tried to keep his expression as neutral as he could when he hid the bottle under the bag apples in their cart.

Just then Jonghyun let out a satisfying aha, almost tossing the lucky bottle on Kibum’s hand.

Kibum quickly retracted his hand out of harm’s way. “Watch out,” the sigh hiding his stutters. “And let’s go. We have everything right?”

“Ah, yeah. No, I also need a new toothbrush. Which one… which one…” Jonghyun mumbled to no one in particular when he shuffled away to get it.

Meanwhile, Kibum smiled in victory.

The ride back was as usual. Jonghyun drove and hummed along to some songs on the radio while Kibum had his eyes closed and his legs propped on the dashboard, his cap shadowing his eyes.

Six months, Kibum thought again. The time really did go fast. They graduated right after they got together, and decided to take a year rest from studying any further. Only focusing on part-time jobs was a good outcome. Jonghyun became visibly more rested, and Kibum had also enough time to learn many things about his boyfriend.

He even met Taemin, who decided to quickly drop by one evening. Kibum had never laughed so much when he saw Jonghyun gawking as if he saw a ghost. Taemin carried crutches, though he looked like he could walk normally. Only when the three of them sat and talked Kibum come to know that Taemin’s legs weren’t yet strong enough  to carry him without support.

It was a nice, peaceful evening and since then their friend visited more frequently. A smile played on Kibum’s lips as he remembered how much he really liked Taemin. And if it what the doctors predicted was true, then Taemin could use his legs as he wishes again within a few months. It was about time, since it took him almost three years to fully recover.

“Stop dreaming,” Jonghyun poked Kibum playfully as he parked the car. The shock when he pressed the brakes was strong enough to wake Kibum out of his fuzzy mind. He would have almost fallen forwards if he had not been wearing his seatbelt.

“You had to park extra extra again. Amazing,” Kibum huffed while stepping out of the car. Quickly he stepped to their grocery bag in the back seat seats and dug into it until he found his item. He hid it into his pocket before picking up the whole bag.

“Hey…” Arms snuck around his waist while the low voice whispered in his ear. “Can’t you wait until we are upstairs?” Kibum tried to sound unsurprised but Jonghyun knew he enjoyed tiny gestures like this.

“So warm,” Jonghyun sighed before letting Kibum go and walked towards the building.

“And you’re way too cheesy,” Kibum said, not too hard but just audible for Jonghyun.

“Am not. Hurry, I want to eat the new noodles. And try out the new shampoo.”

Jonghyun disappeared into the building, Kibum following him silently.

The rest of the evening went just like any other. They ate together, joked around a lot, Jonghyun tried to receive compliments from Kibum and in the end they watch some television together. Kibum sat on Jonghyun’s lap, his fingers tracing random patterns on the younger’s back. 

Still, there was a topic Kibum wanted to mention, yet every time he tried to bring it up Jonghyun managed to avoid the topic.

“You’re uneasy, something wrong?” Jonghyun whispered before he could even say something himself.

“Just overthinking stuff,” Kibum answered, his eyes following the flickering screen until a few seconds later the commercial break was announced.  Just in time.

Kibum took a deep sigh. Jonghyun seemed to notice the different and moved a little behind him. He crawled over the couch, away from Kibum so he was facing him now while sitting in on his knees.

He knew if Jonghyun did this, he did it out of respect so Kibum could speak without feeling any pressure. His boyfriend still saw his sense as a curse, and while it was nice to ignore it, it was actually still… there.

“What?”

“What what?” Kibum mimicked in the same tone.

Jonghyun kicked him. “You know I won’t let you watch the movie further, just talk.”

“Says the one who needed a talking guide in the beginning,” Kibum dug his face into his hands. This was not supposed to start this way. He took a deep inhale, the thought about his motive gave him the missing courage.

“Okay… Well… We’ve been together for six months now,” He began and noticed how Jonghyun’s expression turned stiff. “And you know I love you. A lot.”

Jonghyun nodded as confirmation.

“I just… want to know some things. Or, talk. Nothing more, unless you would like that, of course. I mean it is normal that-”

Kibum stopped himself, realizing he talked way too much and fast. He sighed and looked at Jonghyun whose fingers played with a string in his shirt.

The elder waited patiently for his boyfriend to continue. The silence grew a few seconds longer until Kibum bit his lip and mumbled a shy “Forget it,”

Jonghyun blinked a few times, narrowed his eyes and slowly stretched his leg to touch Kibum.

 “Right. You know that doesn’t work,” Jonghyun grumbled as he adjusted his position, now sitting normally again with both feet on the ground.

Awkward. Jonghyun trained his gaze on the television again while Kibum’s mind thought of a good way how to express himself.

Previous times he tried to do this, it was mostly when they woke up or were just about to sleep. Jonghyun was an expert, always having his answer ready. Never did Jonghyun initiate something more than their cuddling and kisses.

Even kissing became something that frustrated Kibum greatly. Pecks and lips pressed shortly against each other, that’s it.

Yet his crazy head wanted more. Once he tried to shove his tongue softly – in his opinion – into Jonghyun’s mouth, only to be pushed away while he stared bewildered at him. Kibum thought that he did something wrong, but the elder just shrugged it off with “I don’t know? Just don’t see the point of it,”

“Then maybe I need to try something that does work,” he whispered, knowing that Jonghyun heard him since he saw how the other shifted a little.

He somehow avoided kissing and cuddling for a week, until Jonghyun practically poked him dead when they went to sleep on an evening. The discussion that followed was vague, he couldn’t remember that much of it because all he could hear was “I didn’t do anything wrong, right? Can you please stop avoiding me? I don’t like it when you distance yourself so much,” and if the lights were on Kibum could have actually seen a tear wandering over his boyfriend’s cheek.

Suddenly Jonghyun stood up and walked towards their bedroom. Instantly Kibum shook out of his thoughts and followed him. He grabbed his wrist and turned him around. Jonghyun blinked and waited, again. With a tapping foot this time. Oh.

Kibum tried to form words, he really did. His lips moved but no sound didn’t leave his mouth. Scared, Kibum was scared for more dejection, yet he was determined to do something about the unpleasant air that lingered around them.

Jonghyun eyes softened, his free hand moving to Kibum’s cheek. Slowly his fingers the skin. Kibum leaned in the touch when the pleasant touch slid to his hair, ruffling it little. Using a little force, Jonghyun guided Kibum’s head to his shoulder, then wrapped his arms around him.

Kibum loosened up, also wrapping his arms around his boyfriend. He caressed his back and felt how he also relaxed.

“Let’s go to sleep, hm? Tomorrow we can-“

“Shut up. Not tomorrow,” Kibum cut him off, the feeling of wanting something returned.

In his eyes, it was pretty normal to want to explore your partner. He respected his boyfriend, but it’s just… they couldn’t even talk about it. Without the elder backing off or dancing around it.

“You’re tired,” Jonghyun countered.

“Ah yes, tired of running away,” Kibum strengthened his grip a little. “I really,” he paused, looking Jonghyun now in his eyes “would like to…” leaning in a little, he let his breath ghost over his boyfriend’s lips “try something,” he finished and he pressed his lips against Jonghyun’s, who hummed in response.

As expected, Jonghyun tried to back off after their lips connected, but this time Kibum held him in his place as he guided one hand to Jonghyun’s head, pressing their lips longer against each other when Kibum moved his lips.

Unresponsive as always, Jonghyun froze completely when another hand sneaked to his sides, caressing it while fingers tapped belt. And he stilled his movements completely when the fingers started playing with the zipper. They didn’t tug it down or anything. Kibum just… played with it, yes.

 Jonghyun broke the kiss when Kibum started to pant, confused looking eyes trying to understand what was going on.

Kibum saw it, how Jonghyun could feel everything, yet he couldn’t understand his own boyfriend.

And Kibum couldn’t help but burst into laughing when Jonghyun stated it bluntly.

“…I can take off my pants myself. Let’s just go to sleep,” when the younger didn’t stop giggling he became irritated himself. “What? You’re tired and-“

 “Stop trying to read me, Jonghyun. I’ll say what bothers me. Alright?” Before the other could respond Kibum dragged his boyfriend to their bedroom.

“I still need to brush my teeth,” he heard Jonghyun murmur “I didn’t even try the new toothbrush yet,”

“Oh you can brush your teeth later this evening – why is that even important?” Kibum grunted. “I just want to talk.” His face heated up when he pushed Jonghyun on their bed. A deep sigh calmed his racing heart a little. Jonghyun was so oblivious. He looked around him, the bed, his position, then his zipper and finally the gaze ended when their eyes locked.

Kibum shuffled forward and took a seat on the edge of their bed. Jonghyun was confused but didn’t say anything. The ball was on Kibum’s side to pass it to him.

Of course, Kibum didn’t know where to start. So he decided to play straight, without a chance for the elder to escape another time.

“,” he stated while he played with the fabric under his fingers, not daring to look up to the other. For a moment he was scared he said it too soft, but when he glanced through his hair bangs at Jonghyun he saw him quietly shifting positions so he was sitting in Indian style on the blankets while he adjusted a pillow behind him.

When Jonghyun sat relaxed against the headboard he seemed to probably think what was going on. Bad thing is that Kibum’s patience was not exactly thick anymore.

“,” He made sure to emphasize the word now with adding a stern voice to it.

“What… about it?” Jonghyun said quietly.

This was not good. He replied too nonchalant that Kibum thought for a second Jonghyun doesn’t care at all about this. Honestly, he didn’t feel the… need to do it anymore for tonight. Knowing the reason for Jonghyun’s behavior is more important to him now.

“Well… I tried a few times to make it clear that I want to go further with, well… us” Kibum gestured between them, and his inner flame sparkled when he saw he had Jonghyun’s interest.

“You want to have . That’s it?”

Kibum gaped at him. His mind tried to puzzle all the information about his boyfriend together, but it isn’t complete. They love each other, yes. Cuddling, hugging, kissing, sharing their bed. Trusting each other their whole background lives, yet when Kibum wanted to step into this topic it feels as if he talks to a wall.

He tried again.

“Yes, that’s it,” he played with Jonghyun’s words, “I’m a man, an adult for love’s sake, and to be honest I don’t want to alone anymore.” Kibum was sure his face colored red. Nevertheless, he didn’t hide it. It made the situation only better when Jonghyun noticed it and a soft ‘oh’ echoed in the room.

Still Jonghyun didn’t move, he only kept staring at Kibum.

“Look,” Kibum swept his hand through his hair, trying to formulate the next sentence without sounding too harsh “We are together for a while now. Months actually. And in my opinion, it’s natural that you want to have with your partner, or at least something more than simple kissing. I really want you to be my first, if that ever is going to happen,” his last words faded into a whisper.

The possibility that “if that ever is going to happen” hurt to say it out loud. Jonghyun’s eyebrows were forced together in concentration, he probably tried to understand where this was going. It almost looks like he never tried something, or doesn’t know… anything.

Kibum blinked a few times, then he tried a different question, but just then Jonghyun spoke before him.

“So you were annoyed because we don’t take steps further. You want s-“

“Not annoyed.” Kibum interrupted him and sighed deeply. “I told you, I think it’s only natural for partners to explore each other.”

Jonghyun hummed.

“Jonghyun?”

The other looked up, Kibum could see that he knew what the next question is going to be.

“How do you think about it? Or no, feel.”

Jonghyun hung his head low as he stopped his movements. Again the silence lingered around them. Kibum waited patiently while he suppressed a few yawns. He really wanted to know what Jonghyun thought about all this. After all, he didn’t pick up almost any of the hints he gave with his body. Asking straightforward should do the trick. At least, that is what Kibum hoped for.

Finally Jonghyun had chosen his words. Carefully, he spoke them out as he shuffled on his knees to Kibum, grabbing his left hand and trained his gaze on the fingers.

“I know what is,” Jonghyun confirmed, massaging the fingers in his hands. “I did notice you would like to go further” he then stated. Kibum waited for him to continue.

“Because you wanted to talk about this a long time already,” Jonghyun let go of Kibum’s hand only to grab the other one so he could massage that one too.

“Okay. But that doesn’t answer my question,” Kibum said when Jonghyun stayed silent after his short story. He let go of Kibum’s fingers when he is done, shoving himself a little backward to give them space.

Not that Kibum wanted that, no, Jonghyun’s small gesture tickled him long enough to now bite his lips as he looked at his innocent boyfriend.

Innocent

“Let’s say, if I’d hover over your body right now,” he whispered lowly as he crouched forward. “And I’d kiss you on the lips, our mouths moving together in rhythm when I your chest,” he continued and demonstrated it by indeed hovering his body above Jonghyun’s who laid down on his back, a mix of confusion and panic flashing across his face as two hands trapped him on the sheets.

Their lips didn’t touch yet, but Jonghyun’s warm breath ghosted over Kibum’s lips. “C-chest,” Jonghyun stuttered. At this point Kibum didn’t know if he was playing oblivious or actually was oblivious. He didn’t want to force anything, yet Jonghyun made it look like he knew nothing while he certainly knows what they were talking about.

“Yeah,” Kibum breathed, confident to get his answers as he moved one hand to Jonghyun’s chest, playing a little with the fabric what separated it from touching the skin. “And slowly but surely we’d go all the way” he made sure to watch Jonghyun’s reaction, but the other only stared at the hand on his chest. Kibum followed the gaze and sighed. This wasn’t going anywhere near what he had in mind for tonight.

“If I asked you now for that, would you say yes or no?”

The final question. Kibum didn’t know how he could be clearer with his intentions.

“I-I…-” Jonghyun kept staring at the hand, then slowly but surely crawling away from Kibum. Softly he pushed the younger off him who sat back on his knees. Kibum felt a sting in his heart, it felt like rejection but by the looks of how Jonghyun folded his hands over his face he realized he might not be the only one who struggled with this.

“I would never say no to us,” Jonghyun mumbled in his hands.

“But I can almost hear your thoughts saying no. How come?” Kibum moved a little and placed his hand on Jonghyun’s knee.

“I, actually I…” Removing his hands from his face he moved them through his hair. Frustration showed in his eyes while Jonghyun looked for the right words.

“I don’t know. I don’t know how to do , okay? I’m scared and I just… don’t feel like doing… it. I don’t know, I don’t know…” Jonghyun swung his hands in the air, then grabbed his hair as he pulled it until his knuckles turned white.

“I don’t know,” he repeated again, breathing shortly and quick when Kibum scooted closer and embraced him into a hug. Patiently he moved his hands from the back to Jonghyun’s hands, closing his hands around them. Kibum the knuckles with his thumbs and guided them down when he felt Jonghyun relaxing under him.

They stayed like that for a moment until Jonghyun mumbled something the younger couldn’t hear.

“Hm?”

“I said I’m sorry it turned out like this. Is it stupid that I don’t know anything about it? And… feel like it. If I could I’d give myself to you but going all the way is just-”

Jonghyun’s rambling was cut off when Kibum placed a finger on his lips. He smiled softly and leaned in, a hum reaching his ears when their lips connected. This time, Kibum knew a kiss was enough.

“It’s okay,” he whispered, “Thanks for telling me. Not knowing a thing is nothing to be frustrated or ashamed about,” Kibum continued, Jonghyun’s spine as he placed quickly another kiss on his lips. “But not being ready for it is quite another thing, and I think we can work perfectly on that if you help me a little,”

“How?” the question came almost immediately. Kibum grinned and pushed themselves down, leaning on his elbows and knees to not crush Jonghyun whose face changed to an adorable shade of red.

“Experimenting,” he stated while Jonghyun tried to figure out where to place his hands. When he took too long Kibum grabbed one hand behind him and shoved it to his lower back region. Jonghyun shied away as he holds on to Kibum and pushed him a little to the left, signaling him to roll over.

Now Jonghyun was on top he stole a kiss from his lips, but to Kibum’s surprise the warmth didn’t leave him as soon as he expected. Jonghyun visibly tensed when he moved his lips a little, slowly and unsure. Kibum followed the movements and tried to follow the pattern, without words encouraging his boyfriend to continue. 

“Let’s stop?” Jonghyun breathed when they broke apart, already letting himself roll off Kibum and reached with his hand under the pillows for his pajamas.

“Jonghyun, you’re shaking,” Kibum stated simply when he reached for his pajamas as well. While changing clothes he didn’t get an immediate answer, however, when they both finally lay down under the blankets Jonghyun spoke out his last concern. Something Kibum missed along the lines, but when Jonghyun told him about it he just shuffled closer to him, Kibum knew the hand that was tapping on the mattress was a sign for him that it’s okay to embrace each other into sleep.

He wiped a rolling tear from Jonghyun’s cheek, now fully understanding the main subject what bothered him all the time. Kibum could only whisper ‘It’s okay’ and his hair a little until he heard the other breath a steady rhythm.

With a peaceful mind, and another whisper ‘totally okay’ he let sleep take care of him too, drifting away with the knowledge that Jonghyun wasn’t afraid of doing it, but instead not being able to tell his feelings apart from Kibum’s.

The last pieces of the puzzle fell into its place, a smile played on Kibum’s lips when the last train of thoughts wandered in his mind.

Jonghyun didn’t have any experience and wasn’t ready yet. Combined with being afraid to loose himself into Kibum’s feelings and not knowing what would happen, Jonghyun probably thought it would be alright if they keep it on the same level as always.

Yet Kibum didn’t miss the tiny sparkle in his boyfriend’s eyes when they made out longer than any kiss they shared before.

Giggling a little, he was fine with how it was. Now he knew everything it was just a matter of time before Jonghyun would dare to take steps, as it isn’t Kibum’s turn to take moves anymore.

Soon.

A/N

hi! this was such a difficult chapter to write for me, holy shippies. 

I tried to portray an oblivious, inexperienced and scared jonghyun when kibum tried to do... things. 

I'm sorry it took so long, and I'm kinda scared it would turn out boring but I think this is actually an important thing in relationships. You know, the talk. Not just going for it when you're ready, but just, talking. 

Anyways about the ending; yeah so actually kibum and jjong are doing pretty well with their relationship (kibum recovered all the best) but there is jjong who is addicted to the warmth of kibum. yet he doesnt dare to go further because he cant tell his own feelings apart whenever they touch. plus the fact that he doesnt know anything he just let it go since he doesnt think of y times that highly and amazing and just thought it was alright to continue. but of course there is kibum who wants to try stuff and jjong is like 'ah but euhm naaaah' you know?

Gosh i really had a difficult time writing this out as i wanted

But seriously the talk is important with your partner if you have one im single forever lol 

there might be, maybe..... maybe.... there is a chance one of the upcoming chaps is going to contain y times. maybe. 

also i set this story indeed for 'uncomplete' since i kinda want this to be an au where the main story in the first chapter, and the rest of it the stories after.

i really love the characters here so there is more to come. i'm a slow writer, but there is always a finish!

And thanks for those who subscribed in the meantime, I didn't expect that tbh;

+ a shout out to lisa1222 for beta this, as i'm always eager to improve my writing uwu~

see you soon, and have a nice weekend!