Merry Christmas! 

Track 2. Volcano

Message From: Bin

9:23pm

Come over?

Hongbin hates himself the minute he sends the message to Wonsik. Yet, when Wonsik replies right away with an “OK” he still gets butterflies in his stomach.

He knows it's not right, messaging Wonsik like this. Hongbin played with the idea for several minutes before sending the message, honestly he did. It's harmless, really. Neither boy is committed in a relationship. This time.

It happens every time Hongbin isn't in a relationship. Sometimes, even when he thinks he has his together, that he's happy being single, the same two words are sent to Wonsik's phone. And Hongbin receives the same two letters in response. Always. Regardless of the time, regardless of Wonsik's relationship status, he always comes over.

Wonsik goes to Hongbin's apartment all the time. It's not like times like these are the only times he comes over. Usually before work or class, they'll share take out, sometimes watch tv. They'll watch a movie if they're especially bored or broke. But Wonsik has never waited for an invitation to come over for those things.

So the first time Hongbin sent the text both boys knew something else was going on. It started with Wonsik actually knocking on Hongbin's door instead of walking right in. Then, Hongbin offered the older boy a drink. After a few minutes of fidgeting hands and throat clearing, it happened.

“Can I come in?” Wonsik asks, his hair still wet from his probable quick shower before heading over.

Hongbin, trying to act like he's not anticipating what's about to happen, opens his apartment door, giving Wonsik space the enter, “of course.”

Hongbin watches Wonsik take his time removing his shoes, struggle with the left sleeve of his coat.

“Would you like something to drink?” Hongbin's voice cracks when he asks the question.

Wonsik smirks a little, tilting his head to the side, “no, thank you, I'm good.”

You'd think they would skip out on the formalities by now.

But even with the formalities, things are different this time.

Wonsik's motions are slower, more drawn out. Physically it drives Hongbin wild, but mentally there are red flags being cast in his mind.

He's more... vocal... this time. Like he's enjoying himself more than usual.

Afterwards, Hongbin notices the grip around his waist is a little tighter. They're in Hongbin's bed and Hongbin is a few deep breaths away from a satisfying sleep after a satisfying time when Wonsik speaks up.

“You know,” it's Wonsik's voice that cracks this time.

“Hmm?” Hongbin hums, definitely aware this is not their normal routine.

Wonsik props himself up on his elbow, gently pulling on Hongbin's shoulder so he's flat on his back. Even though it's dark in Hongbin's room, Wonsik wants Hongbin to face him for this conversation. “This is fun, right?”

Hongbin's bedroom has no windows, so the only light is from the nightlight he keeps in his bathroom. Thank goodness.

“Yeah, it's fun.”

For a moment Hongbin thinks Wonsik has night vision. That he can see the worried look etched on Hongbin's face. He knows where Wonsik wants this conversation to end and he knows how it's really going to end.

When Wonsik lies flat on the bed, matching Hongbin's position, Hongbin is convinced the older boy really can see in the dark. That Hongbin's expression says enough. Maybe Wonsik won't take it there.

“It could be like this all the time, you know.”

Wonsik takes it there.

There's a long enough pause that the two boys can hear Hongbin's neighbor take a midnight piss. The toilet flush. Footsteps back to bed.

Wonsik clears his throat one more time, “I mean, this isn't the only fun part, right? I mean this part is really, really, fun, but everything else, too. It would be fun right?”

Hongbin feels his face freeze over, sending chills to the rest of his body. It's not like he didn't know this conversation was coming. He thought both boys were on the same page, that they had an agreement. The thought hadn't occurred to Hongbin that Wonsik might feel something more until Taekwoon pointed it out.

After that, Hongbin worried himself sick. He didn't message Wonsik for weeks after. Then Wonsik got himself a boyfriend. And Hongbin didn't.

“Right, Bin-ah?”

Hongbin doesn't mean to sigh, but he realizes he's been holding his breath so all the air kind of rushes out of him.

He feels Wonsik sit up, “I guess that's a no, then.”

So he does understand. It's a no. No.

“It's not that I don't think this is fun--”

“Then I'm not sure why you won't just give it a try.”

“Wonsik,” Hongbin knows he has to tread lightly, Wonsik is still his best friend and he has no intentions on losing him any time soon. “I just think we're better off as friends.”

“Friends don't do what we just did.”

“Some do,” Hongbin tries to make light of the situation.

Wonsik sighs.

“I'm sorry,” Hongbin says, only just now realizing how on the money Taekwoon had been, “I just thought that we had an understanding... about things.”

He feels Wonsik's weight leave his bed and his words start coming out in a panic.

“You don't want to date me anyway,” Hongbin tries again, “you see how I am in relationships. I kill them.”

Wonsik blindly searches for his shirt and pants.

“You've told me yourself! What did you call me last week? A man-eater. You don't want to date a man-eater, Wonsik.” Hongbin's tone is losing it's confidence and sounding more panicked.

Wonsik feels for the tag on his shirt, making sure he puts on his shirt the right way.

“Wonsik, please,” Hongbin sounds like he was the one just turned down, “I'm serious. I'm... I'm not good enough for you.”

Wonsik snorts, then starts working on finding his pants.

“Sikkie, please.” Hongbin feels horrible. It's not like he hasn't thought about Wonsik in that way, but he gets this weird feeling in his stomach when he does. Like he's on the verge of doing something bad.

The light comes on and Wonsik is fully clothed. Hongbin is blinded by the light, but he doesn't miss the pained look on Wonsik's face. His eyes are on the ground. Hongbin thinks it's to avoid eye contact, but then he sees Wonsik bend over and pick up his wallet from the floor.

“It's fine. Forget I mentioned it.” Wonsik's voice is deep and solid. There's that feeling in Hongbin's stomach again.

“Wonsik...” Hongbin doesn't know what to say. The damage has already been done, but it's not like Hongbin could agree just to spare his best friend's feelings. He doesn't have any romantic feelings that way for Wonsik. He's sure of it.

“I'll see you later.” There's no malice in his voice, there's not much of anything, really.

Wonsik leaves, leaving Hongbin's bedroom light on. Making Hongbin leave the warmth of his bed to turn off the light. When he returns he finds his bed cold and empty. He's not surprised. Any warmth in his bed left when he heard Wonsik close his apartment door.

“What I am to you, is not real

What I am to you, you do not need

What I am to you, is not what you mean to me

You give me miles and miles of mountains

And I'll ask for the sea”

-Volcano, Damien Rice