05.

Jimin is like a scarecrow standing in a field of golden wheat. Everything and everyone in his surroundings have their heads bowed, never meeting his eyes. He's always equipped with a stupid grin on his face and arms opened, welcoming. He blindly commits without proper thought, falling too quickly with no one willing to catch him. Giving parts of himself away to people who aren't ready to keep them until there's barely anything left. His clothes are torn and dirty, patched, and scabs litter the surface of his heart.

When he was three, his father died in an car accident and his mother was united with him moments after the news, unable to cope with the pain. Little Jimin was sent to a broken down orphanage where the one in charge never cared and the lead caretaker was a drunkard. Instead of a childhood filled with toy cars and exploring, it was stolen away with shatters of beer bottles and bruises marring his immaculate skin.

Even as his torture dragged on, he never erased the bright smile on his face, eager to please anyone and everyone around him. His positivity, his optimism, was ultimately his downfall. By the time Jimin was getting ready to graduate from high school, his heart was replaced with muscle too shredded to resume beating, his unmarked skin now blooming with blue violet flowers, his ever hopeful soul struggling to hold itself together with makeshift stitches. But the radiance shining from his very being never dimmed, the sparkle in his irises never dulled.

People come and go like automobiles racing down the highway. There are some that slow down and pause, because of curiosity and interest, maybe just for fun. But most just whizz by without enough time for Jimin to analyze the fact that they had been a part of his life in the first place.

Of course, there were memorable people. Some stayed for a short moment while others stuck around for years on end. Sometimes, when Jimin closed his eyes peacefully and allowed himself to drift into the corner of his mind where thoughts lay safely under lock and key, he could still see them crystal clear. Dusting off recollections of hope, longing and love and popping them into his mental projector, his tense muscles would relax as comforting flashbacks washed over him.

~

Kim Seokjin, the barista at the coffee shop down the street. There had been a three year difference between the two of them (18 and 21), but the elder treated Jimin like someone of equivalent age. Sometimes, Jimin was a little brother. Other times, he was just a customer. And on the rarest of occasions, Seokjin would press his lips to the younger's with quiet words of sweet nothings. The fateful day that shy little Jimin had finally opened his heart completely the elder, confessing his rather profound love for the man who often smelled like spearmint and ground coffee, only to have his heart thrown on the filthy floor and stomped over. Seokjin believed the rejection to be gentle, telling the innocent teenager that it was a mere infatuation and it would pass, but he removed himself to a reclusive area in his mind and barreled out of Seokjin's life forever.

-

Min Yoongi was a talented underground musician. His inspirational story of starting at rock bottom to rocketing into his current position with his ice-like grip on the hiphop industry had swarming crowds aspiring to become just like him. After a dark year of heartbreak, the dark thrum of Yoongi's music had been exactly what Jimin needed to bring himself back to life. He never felt more alive when the bass would cause a pounding in his temples and the rapper's powerful, dominating voice pulsed in his veins. But a year into Jimin's deep passion for the genre, Yoongi dropped out of the industry only to shock the public of being diagnosed with cancer, dying away like a beautiful flower wilted a few months later. Never did the young adult touch his collection of hip-hop again.

-

Jung Hoseok took on the role of father for the broken soul when his real job was teaching Jimin how to dance. His fluid, precise movements filled with dynamic intensity captured the younger's attention. When the younger entered the practice room with emotions swimming in his eyes, threatening to spill over the brim, Hoseok would wrap his arms around him and tell him it's okay and to let it all out, Jiminnie. So when he can feel the tingle of nerves when his dance teacher sweeps his hand over his bicep, Jimin flinches away and ignores the obvious look of hurt in his eyes before escaping once again. He drops out of the dance class, and finds that running away from his problems isn't as difficult as it used to be. Jimin never really dances, either, at least not in front of others.

-

Kim Namjoon was a fellow college student with a chilly air about him, calculating everything without an error. It first starts off as admiration for his elder, how he effortlessly held first place in his grade and the entire school community. Sometimes during free time, Jimin will have his eyes closed and earbuds flooding him with sweeping melodies, and he locks eyes with Namjoon's dark irises. There is a cold fire ignited in his eyes that sets ablaze a bonfire in the pit of Jimin stomach, making him feel flustered and bothered. The younger desperately avoids him, despite his burning cheeks displaying unwanted emotions in public. Jimin isn't sure how exactly, but word slips out and soon the entire school is knowledgeable of his interest in the other. His lovely daydream is brought to an end when Namjoon gently rejects Jimin's feelings, and they part with understanding smiles. He's almost grateful for the elder pushing him away, pushing him onto his rightful path.

-

Kim Taehyung proudly stood as the first person arousing Jimin's passions in life in nearly four years. Often, the line clearly drawn separating the relationship of friends and lovers blurred, and they did stupid, heat-of-the-moment things. Lying on a field, daisies tickling his cheeks, witnessing the vibrant sparkles of fireworks shower the sky and wincing at the sharp cracks filling the air. Getting drunk and accidentally high at a party hosted by who-knows-because-I-don't, giggling like teenage girls as faux happiness muddled their brains. Jimin putting up with Taehyung's alien antics and Taehyung dealing with Jimin's "useless" insecurities. Pink lips brushing together before bruising each other, nipping at every exposed spot. Taehyung was heir to Kim Enterprise as his father was the CEO and moved out to New York City, apologies being the last Jimin ever heard from him.

-

Jeon Jeongguk could be described in three words. One true love. He was a handsome young man two years younger than him. Jimin had just turned twenty-seven, and he had wobbled back and forth on his way home, completely wasted. His face would've planted itself in the ground if it hadn't been for a pair of strong arms embracing him steadily and raising him to his feet. That night, he remembered the man who had helped him, through all the fuzzy memories.

The second time they met, Jimin wasn't drunk and red-faced. It was Jeongguk's turn to be saved and brought home, and the younger promised to buy a cup of coffee sometime. As he was staggering into the one-room apartment, he grinned crookedly and declared that he would like to meet Jimin again.

The third time they caught each other, Jeongguk somehow recalled his promise and treated Jimin to coffee at his favorite shop. They slowly began learning about each other, exposing little things they had never told anyone else. Jimin decided that Jeongguk would make a decent friend and would warm up his silent lifestyle. And maybe, he wished for them to become something a little more.

The final time they met, it was Jeongguk bruised and beat; split lip, swollen eye, broken wrist, scratched thighs. The shattered glass embedded in his abdomen was prominent, and the light fading from his beautiful eyes brought tears to Jimin's own. Crimson blood stained his crisp, white shirt and had smeared all over Jimin's frantic hands as he tried to convince Jeongguk that it wasn't too late. He confessed right there and then, his face a teary mess and Jeongguk a bloody mess. Jeongguk smiled gently, a broken i love you too dropping off his lips and a shaky hand reaching for Jimin's soft cheek. But they never made contact, instead his fingers curling ober thin air, slacking and dropping to his side. Gasps and sobs shook Jimin's small frame, and he ran away once again, turning his back on Jeongguk's dead body and never being able to give a proper burial for his most beloved.

~

Jimin isn't sure how long he's been standing like a rigid pole, but when he comes to, he is erect on the middle of the sidewalk, the streets abandoned because of the falling rain. Droplets of rain mix with his salty tears, dancing down his cheeks in harmony. The somber sky reflects the shade of black enveloping his heart, and Jimin almost cannot blame himself for becoming the wrecked shadow he is now.

He is so unoriginal, so normal, there is no possible way that he could stand out in a crowd. Jimin never outshines anyone, not with his talents, his face, his body, his personality. Everything he has to offer is a collection of everything others can give. For a boy who has wanted to be the center of attention for once as a child, and for a boy who is so afraid of change, he believes he is a lost deal, a wish abandoned, a useless dream.

And he looks so stupid, just like garbage thrown out; he is paused in time, soaked. Water presses his hair to his forehead, making him seem all the more fragile and powerless. He screams into the storm approaching both on the world and on his mind, cries for it to please, just leave me alone because everything's getting too hard. But reality is cruel, and after an infinity of minutes, he walks alone with his step unsteady and sluggish, hoping that one day he'll get used to the concept of solitude.