Han Min Young’s POV

It’s surprisingly quiet tonight. There is no cricket singing or sound of car passing by. It is total silence. I could hear my breathing clearly.

 I stare to the starless night. At this moment, my heart is tearing up in the inside. It is so painful that I feel like suffocating myself with it. I want to cry, my only way to feel better, but there is no tear in my eyes, no matter how hard I try.

Since coming back from Korea, I’ve never step out of my room. I didn’t even bother to switch on the light when the night fell. I prefer to sit in the dark, alone without any disturbance. I need time to digest everything that had happened to me for the past three days.

BigBang’s ’Monster’ ringtone distract me from my thought.

The screen shows me Zain is the caller. I pick up the phone after much hesitation.

“Yes, Zain, why are you calling me at this hour?” I ask as I try to sound like I’m fine.

“Why didn’t you check your phone? Why didn’t you reply my message?” I could detect that Zain in worrying about me from his tone. Poor boy, he shouldn’t have to.

“Oh, I’m sorry Zain. My phone runs out of battery and I’ve set my phone in silent mode. That’s why I didn’t notice your message.” I try my best to convince him that I’m totally okay. I do not wish to cause any burden to him, I know he is having his exam now.

 ‘Silent mode?’ he asks. I guess my answer angered him, or simply he still feel not satisfied with it.

“Are you okay?” Zain repeat his question. This time he sounded serious, very serious. I remain silent for a long time. I do not have the correct answer now. After few seconds, I say,

“Yeah, I’m fine. There is nothing wrong with me. Why? Is there anything wrong?” I reassure him that I’m fine and doing well, that he shouldn’t worry.

This time he gives up on me. “Nope, I’m just asking. Just want to know how you are doing now, that’s all.” I could hear his disappointment from his voice. But, I can’t tell him.

Seconds tick away with the both of us, saying nothing. I choose to be the first one to ask to hang up. He doesn’t protest but follow as asked.

I put down my phone and gaze over my shoulders, all my luggage are still at the corner of the room. Slowly I walk toward it. I open the smallest bag first. There is this beautiful shawl you gave me for my birthday. It is grey in color with no design on it. It reached me exactly on my 22nd birthday, three months ago.

I pick it up and put near my chest. I could sense your smell. It’s so comforting yet hurting. And now my tears start to fall drop by drop, covering my cheeks, wetting my clothes in the process. All those suffering and pain in the heart release together with the flow of tears. I start to sob uncontrollably. I’m in pain, terrible pain that no words could describe it. My heart in broken in pieces, scatted everywhere. I try to piece it back together, but I fail. I am still searching for some missing pieces.

Everywhere I turn, everywhere I see your image in front of my eyes. Your innocent smile, your laughter, your cute and funny acts, and most of all, your killer stare, really make me mad. I try to think of other things, but I couldn’t. I’m feeling so hopeless and helpless.

It is a one-sided love, I realized. No matter what, we will never be couple. From the very first moment I met you, I could sense that you are disappointed in me. Oh, I should have known that I’m not your liking. If I were to listen to my mind, I would, maybe, feel better right now and not hurt like now. But, I’m so naïve to believe in fairytales, that every story will end with happily ever after, how pitiful.

Now, everything is just memories. And my dream will always remain a dream, it will never happen and come true. I should bring myself back to reality, stop myself from immersing too deep in those fantasies. I should wake up and accept the truth – you’ll never be mine, ever.

Oh god, please help me in forgetting you, I pray in silence. I need your guidance in getting out of this mess.

~                               ~                                 ~

Hearing the sound of doorknob turned, I knew it must be Rachel coming back from work. “You’re back. I’ve cooked your favorite black pepper sauce pasta and it’s on the table.” I said while hanging the clothes to dry at the balcony.

Rachel threw her bag on the sofa and went to the kitchen, “I thought I told you not to prepare my dinner as my boss treated all of us out at Sushi King. I guess it must be you didn’t check your phone again like the other day!” Rachel walked out of the kitchen with a bottle of Yakult in hand.

“Huh?” I looked at her and was blurred for a moment. Oh my, when came to think about it, I had not check my phone since I set it on silent mode after my lunch as I had a meeting till six in the evening. No wonder I didn’t hear any ringtone alerting me about the incoming messages or calls! Ah, I wondered why I had been so forgetful.

Rachel walked to me and wrapped her hands around my neck and said, “Since it was made by my best buddy, I’m not letting it going to waste. And honestly, I’m not full at all. I had to remind myself for not stuffing like a hungry ghost and mind my table manners when eating with my boss, it was so uncomfortable! But, I don’t have to do it here. I can eat as many as I like and not feeling bad for it!” I smiled at her. Yes, she is a big eater but there is one thing I am terribly jealous of her. She would never gain weight or increase her waistline no matter how she stuffed herself. How I wish I was her!

While waiting for all my messages, I took a seat and sat in front of Rachel. I knew she didn’t like to eat alone.

“I wonder who would be the lucky guy to have such a wonderful cook as a wife! I’ll never get enough of what you cook. How I wish I can have another plate of this, it’s so delicious!” I laughed at her after seeing she cleaned everything on the plate.

“I would say he is not a lucky man at all.” I shook my head and continued, “I cook according to my mood. If I’m down on that particular day, then he would suffer. I’m afraid he would have to stuff himself with all my hot and spicy food.”

Rachel took the plate to the kitchen and cleaned the table. “No, I don’t think so. At least he wouldn’t starve to death. Or he needn’t eat fast food or economy rice. All his meals are home cooked! Aren’t there is saying ‘the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach’?”

I laughed at her statement and pushed her away from me. “Stop nagging, my dear. It’s time to take your bath, you’re very smelly, you know?” she didn’t protest and went straight to clean herself.

I checked on my Whatsapp, oh my, in just few hours I last login, there were over two hundreds chats. I ignored those group chats and looked into those with just a few messages. Then I noticed Zain’s messages.

Reading his message remembered me about the friend I got to know through Asianfanfics. He told me he is from Korea but he is not fluent in Korean as he is from mix parentage. His father is Chinese-Korean while his mother is Japanese. I was a bit suspicious of him as he could write in fluent malay! Well, he said he learnt it during his seven years stay in Malaysia.

‘It’s rare that Korean being not fluent in their mother tongue.’

‘Zain, I’ve a feeling of being cheated again.’

‘You see, we just befriended. And I do not wish to be nosy, asking him ton of questions.’

‘Yea, you’re right.’

‘Well, I’m just wondering when I am going to stop being so naïve in believing in everyone I befriended.’

‘I guess all you need is to be self-conscious.’

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