I like drawing.

I like drawing a lot of stuff from memories such as cars and trees and buildings and Jongdae and mom and dad and home. But a lot of the time my memory is very fuzzy and I don’t understand a lot of things and I get confused very easily. And I get angry when I am confused. And when I get angry I snap my crayons in two and bang my head against the wall and curl up in bed and groan and that makes me feel very safe but I can’t snap my crayons in two because then I can’t draw anymore and if I bang my head I will suffer brain damage so all I can do is curl up and cry.

I like Chanyeol.

Chanyeol makes me feel very safe. It has been four weeks an two days and three hours and seven minutes and fifty-nine seconds since he is here and he is very lovely. Sometimes he brings nice treats for me like toffees and fruit gums and different-colour crayons and pencils even though he is not supposed to. And he treats me very nicely like when I have to have my shower he does it very gently so I don’t cry or get scared. And he doesn’t get me confused and says things in a very straightforward way unlike other nurses who makes me very confused and angry.

I like dogs.

Chanyeol has a puppy that his neighbour gave. One day he snuck through the ward with the puppy under his shirt and he said I can hold it and pet it but I must do it very gently. He looks very worried because he knows that I might get angry and squish the puppy’s head or strangle its neck but I promised not to do any of these things. So he gave me the puppy on my lap and I petted the puppy and its fur was nice and soft. But then it bit my finger and I got very scared and angry I hurled it against the wall.

Luckily Chanyeol caught it in time and he looked very sternly at me and said that I done a very bad thing. I cried because I promised not to hurt the puppy and I made Chanyeol very angry with me and I curled up in bed and groaned and sobbed and cried because I don’t want Chanyeol to be angry and leave me alone. But Chanyeol didn’t leave and he sat down next to me and wiped my tears away and said that he wasn’t angry with me and it is okay because I did not know what I was doing. He said that I don’t understand things very well and I have to learn not to lose my temper. Then he hugged me and he gave me the puppy to pet again. I didn’t hurl it to the wall this time and I petted the puppy until dinner.

I think I like Chanyeol very very much.

Unlike other nurses, he is very kind and lovely and he is very honest. He trusts me with things that other nurses wouldn’t trust me with and he tells jokes and funny stories and gossips about other nurses and he treats me like an adult. Other nurses treat me like I am five and speaks to me with a lisp and I feel like they are mocking me and I get very angry. But Chanyeol is not like other nurses. He showers me very slowly and doesn’t force me to dip my head under the water even if the shower takes four hours to finish. He is very patient when he teaches me how to read or draw or pet animals and although he may look stern sometimes he does not lose his temper like I do. And when I done something very good he gives me a very wide smile and says ‘Good job!’ and gives me a biscuit or two.

But if I’m very honest Chanyeol doesn’t need to give me crayons or biscuits or toffees. I am happy just with Chanyeol talking to me or asking me questions or tell me what he talked about with Luhan and Junmyeon or how he managed to clean things under his bed or just sit there silently with me and give me a hug and smile. I especially like it when he brings his guitar and he sings songs he remembers from his head. Even though I cannot sing and I do not understand what he is actually sings I nod my head to it sometimes and his voice makes me very happy.

But I do not know if Chanyeol likes me out of real friendship or just as a nurse’s kindness. I am a very bad person. I kick and punch people and I scream and I step over bugs and worms and I lose my temper very easily. I cannot even read things and I can’t bring myself to speak anything and I am very useless and sometimes I curl up and cry because Chanyeol is being very patient with me and I wonder sometimes if he is fed up with me and wants to move to take care of another patient.

And this makes me very sad because I like like like like like like Chanyeol a lot and I don’t want him to leave me alone. And I don’t want to be alone because I get scared and I cry when I get scared and I want Chanyeol to stay with me and hug me and tell me that everything’s going to be okay.

. . .

I like Chanyeol.

He’s very tall and his head almost reaches the ceiling and you’re usually scared of big people. But he is not scary. He has nice soft hair that he combs neatly every day and his eyes are lovely and his smile is very nice. Sometimes his cheeks are red. He has a very deep voice but it is not intimidating at all. His voice is very gentle and I like listening to his voice.

Sometimes he sings me a song when it’s time for me to go to bed and he’ll sing there for ages and ages and when he finishes he’d sit down next to me very closely and his breath tickles my cheek and he’ll and pet my hair and whispers ‘goodnight’. Then he’ll quietly walk to the door and open the door and look at me one last time with his gentle, soft eyes and he’ll leave, and I know that he’ll come back the next morning.

Chanyeol woke up with a scream, his hair sticking to his forehead with sweat.

No, he was not ran over by a car.
No, Baekhyun did not drive over him with a car.
No, that was only dream, and everything is perfectly fine.

He took a deep, deep breath and blew it all out of his mouth. He had the exact same dream consecutively for… for almost a month now. Albeit he was no longer jumpy around Baekhyun, and was rather content to be with him, he still had the same dream every single night—Baekhyun, in a sketchy world, driving a car over his helpless body.

It didn’t make him anxious. It just… it just irked him of how his body reminded him that Baekhyun wasn’t entirely at all an innocent puppy. He could trust Baekhyun, and Baekhyun trusted him entirely. Was there something wrong in this complex?

Chanyeol still didn’t know who the three people in that car accident were. And Chanyeol didn’t want to upset Baekhyun by asking this vital question, and Baekhyun was making rather good progress lately that he didn’t want to ruin it.

Sighing, he got up from his bed to change to his mint-green uniform, and washed his face. His cheek no longer stung and what was left of the scratches were just very faint lines that would someday disappear. He combed his hair through and checked that his uniform was neat, and off he went on his daily job to take care of Byun Baekhyun.

As usual, he ran into Junmyeon about halfway through the way, and they both would meet Luhan at the double-doors. The receptionist would nod a vague ‘hello’ to them, and they would proceed onto a quick breakfast, man-to-man bickering and occasional talk of their allocated patients.

“You’d never guess!” Luhan scowled as he bit down into his toast. “Kyungsoo ripped up his bed sheets and tore up the damn sponge in that bed. When I came back to give him dinner, all I saw was just this massive pile of springs and cotton and sponge, and Kyungsoo was literally swimming in it. He made me this tattered teddy-bear—from his bed! Gave it to me. He says that he wanted to give me something for taking care of him, so he made me a damned teddy-bear out of his bed!”

Luhan whipped out a rather morose-looking doll. It was white and rather stained, stuffed with spring and cotton and sponge. The limbs were lopsided and the head was about to fall off.

“Well, that’s lovely of him.” Chanyeol said sympathetically.

“Lovely? Yeah, sure. But I had to give him a ‘1’ for his report for mindfulness, ‘cause he destroyed his bed. He’s a lovely boy, but sometimes he’s… you know. You see him and you can’t believe that guy is an adult, and not five.” Luhan groaned. “So how’s Baekhyun, Chanyeol? Any news?”

“He’s been particularly well, and he’s been improving loads lately.” Chanyeol nodded. “He still won’t talk, but he’s been opening up to me a great deal. We’re starting his three-day trial today, and asses how he reacts with the outside-world; mainly his behaviour. If he passes, we’re going to move him down to a lower ward—“ Chanyeol said uneasily. “Then I’ll have a new allocated patient to take care of. I think it was… Kim Jongdae? So if he passes his trial, Baekhyun would be passed on to another nurse.”

“But ‘Yeol,” Junmyeon interrupted him. “Isn’t he… isn’t he literally attached to you? You’re literally the only one person he would ever open up to. He’s going to go mad when you move on.”

Chanyeol swallowed dryly and looked down at his tea.

“Yeah.” He nodded rather slowly. “Yeah, he would be.”

Chanyeol bid them both goodbye and carried Baekhyun’s breakfast tray upstairs, going through the usual security procedure. Gulping nervously, he walked down the corridors and opened Baekhyun’s door—and was met with a rather loud shriek and something enclosing onto his chest. Chanyeol screamed for dear life and tried to balance the breakfast tray whilst Baekhyun wrapped his arms around him tightly, his nose nuzzling into the crook of his neck.

“It’s good to see you too, Baekhyun.” Chanyeol laughed, fluffing the boy’s already messy hair. If Baekhyun had a tail, it would certainly be wagging right now.

Baekhyun looked up to his chin and gave him a wide smile, his eyes glimmering brightly. Chanyeol returned the smile with a grin, and Baekhyun sat back on his bed. Chanyeol brought the tray next to him, and Baekhyun wolfed down through it hungrily, clumsily chewing on buttered croissants.

“We’re taking you outside today.” Chanyeol said, laughing as he sensed Baekhyun’s shoulders droop. “And no, not for a shower. I mean the real-outside. We’re going to have lunch out and be back for dinner and we’ll walk around the city before that. Sounds good, right?”

Baekhyun nodded excitedly, munching on his breakfast. Then he ended up with a hiccough and Chanyeol laughed at his confusion.

It was nearing summer, but the air was still rather cold. Chanyeol got back to Baekhyun’s room with hospital-made sweater, socks and coat, and a new set of clothes for Baekhyun to change into.

Chanyeol lifted Baekhyun’s shirt up, smiling to himself as he noticed that Baekhyun was starting to improve his physical conditions. He still looked rather thin, but Chanyeol could only faintly see his collarbones, and his skin had started to gain its original colour. Chanyeol then changed him into the new set of clothes, slipping on a sweater (and laughing when Baekhyun struggled to peek his head out of the sweater collar) and putting on his socks. Chanyeol then taught him how to put on his shoes, and Baekhyun was squealing with pride as he managed to put on his shoe with a lopsided knot.

Chanyeol then gave Baekhyun a plastic wristband, white with black text emblazoned in front: “Byun Baekhyun – SM Institute”.

“Remember, Baekhyun. Always hold my hand and don’t run away, especially in large crowds, okay? If you get angry, count to twenty-five and breathe very steadily. If you get lost, stay standing where you are and don’t move anywhere.” Chanyeol said, buttoning up Baekhyun’s coat. Baekhyun nodded eagerly and immediately held Chanyeol’s hand, giving