What does love feel like?

Before Baekhyun, Chanyeol didn’t really know what it really feels like. There were times in his University years where he went out with other jocks and pointed out who were the hottest girls around their age—but Chanyeol only took part in it to blend in. In all honesty, he found no attachment to those girls at all, and just regarded them as classmates. He didn’t feel anything for males at all, either. He tried dating people—a couple of girls here, a few boys there. But he felt nothing towards them. And, for a few years, he thought that he probably wasn’t built for relationships, or he wasn’t ready yet.

Then he walked into Baekhyun’s room, and walked out with a surge of butterflies hanging around his stomach. He knew then what love felt like.

Love is like an incurable tummy-ache. Love is the need to just stay with that certain person (or a collective of persons, if you’re polyamorous) twenty-four/seven, and the days without them seem like forever. Love is like being a prison guard—you just seem to want to lock them up in your heart and guard it. Forever.

Even though all of those above irked and annoyed Chanyeol, he loved Baekhyun.

At the second day of Baekhyun’s trial, they just spent it at Chanyeol’s house on his couch—Baekhyun on top of Chanyeol, both splayed on the couch, cuddling in to each other to null and void. And Chanyeol loved it. He loved running his fingers in Baekhyun’s hair, holding his hand, Baekhyun’s nose nuzzling lovingly into the crook of his neck, gently kissing his lips—

Chanyeol didn’t want to let go of him.
But he had to.

In the early morning of the third day, Chanyeol got up early—exceptionally early. He knew that this was Baekhyun’s third day. If Baekhyun passes, he would be moved to a lower ward with another nurse, and Chanyeol would get another patient to take care of. And—for some reason, the thought of Baekhyun getting a new nurse irked him.

Of course, he was happy. He was happy for Baekhyun. Give Baekhyun a few months—and, if he improves on his mental condition and behaviour, he’ll be out on guarded parole. Baekhyun wouldn’t be stuck in a stuffy, green Institute for the rest of his life. He’d be out there, free for the remainder of his life; as Chanyeol promised him so.

Then why—why, was Chanyeol so agitated about it?

He knew.

He loved Baekhyun. As selfish as it may seem, he wanted Baekhyun all to himself. He desperately wanted Baekhyun to do something severely atrocious today just so that Baekhyun fails the trial, then Chanyeol would continue to take care of him until the next given trial. But Chanyeol couldn’t wish that; it was too cruel. He does want Baekhyun to be happy—but he’d be separated from him. And given by Baekhyun’s appalling memory, who’s to say that Baekhyun would remember him later on when they meet again?

Chanyeol rubbed his eyes to wipe away the tears that started to pool, reaching towards the bedside for his phone.

“SM Institute.”

“Uhh—hey, it’s Mr. Park. Park Chanyeol.” Chanyeol said thickly, absent-mindedly rubbing his cheek. “I-I was wondering if it was possible for me to continue working with my patient?—it’s Byun. Byun Baekhyun. He's… He’s on his third day of his trial. I was thinking that maybe we could arrange that I’d continue to take care of him in the lower ward—if he succeeds his trial?”

“I’m afraid that we cannot do that, Mr. Park. Once he is registered onto the lower ward, he must be allocated with a new nurse. I’m sorry for—“

Chanyeol screwed up his brows and shut off the phone at once, and whatever weight he held in his chest plummeted down to his stomach. He felt like they were taking something precious from him—Baekhyun. They’re taking Baekhyun away from him!

All Chanyeol could do was… well, just do whatever.

He remembered the first days of taking care of Baekhyun. He was always curled up, chin tucked down to his knees in silent profoundness of whatever he had in his head. Chanyeol felt like curling up now the same way Baekhyun did—when he realised why Baekhyun did it for.

Baekhyun was lonely. Every other nurse he had for company, he’d always scare them away later—but then he’d regret it. He would be utterly confused, asking himself questions such as “Why did I ever do that?” “Why am I so bad at this?” “When will this ever stop?”. Baekhyun had no hand to hold. Baekhyun had no crook of a neck to nuzzle into. The loneliness made him cold—colder than he felt in the winter without blankets. Therefore all he could do was curl up and just embrace his own legs, because that was the closest he could do to hugging someone—to hold someone.

It sounds bats. Pityingly enough, that was all Baekhyun could ever do. He was powerless, controlled by his own conscience he was born with.

But sometimes, things that Chanyeol shouldn’t even think about crosses his own mind, and he shut his eyes to blot it out. Baekhyun was in an Institute not because he pounced on everybody, like Tigger. Baekhyun done something worthy of a life-sentence to prison, but because he had no idea what he was doing, he wasn’t classed as a criminal. He was classed as a monster instead—dangerous to society, not as a man, but as a prowling beast. And the thought that Chanyeol was trusting him entirely and Baekhyun could strike a knife into his neck anytime at all made Chanyeol distant.

Luckily, Chanyeol never completely distanced himself from Baekhyun. He’d always find himself caving in for his love for the shorter male. Always.

Chanyeol curled up in his bed, lying there with his eyes open, his mind shrouded with the thought of Baekhyun until his alarm clock rang, and he did his usual morning things before picking up Baekhyun at the Institute.

After a fairly quick walk in the park with Baekhyun, lunch, two ice-creams and five rounds on the swing, Baekhyun was on top of Chanyeol again in his small house, his eyes closed as he rubbed his cheek against the rough fabric of Chanyeol’s uniform, the taller male losing his fingers in Baekhyun’s hair. It would be the last day Chanyeol would (ever) see him—and he should’ve told Baekhyun that he was moving wards. But he didn’t. He knew that Baekhyun would be absolutely devastated and angry, and he didn’t want to ruin their last day.

“You’re like a big, big puppy sometimes.” Chanyeol mumbled, his eyes lazily watching the drama on television. He kissed the top of Baekhyun’s head, gently pecking his temples with soft smooches. “You big, sleazy idiot…”

Chanyeol felt two fingers pinch his nose in both tease and annoyance, before it went back to holding Chanyeol’s free hand. A fluff of brown hair then rose up, followed by curious eyes and a lean, shapely jaw—Baekhyun. The corners of the mouth quirked upwards and smiled, and pressed itself against Chanyeol’s own. No sooner then, Baekhyun tilted his he