“Dude, what the is wrong with you?” his erratic movements shown by his constant fidgeting, rapid movement of the feet revealed a case of severe anxiety and nerves. Why was he being such a ? It was his idea after all. Idiots call themselves hotshots yet they can't follow through with their own stupidities. He really needed to loosen up.

“This really has no shame, it's ing scary as hell!”Kris exclaimed in awe. Despite his rather rude question a few seconds ago and his constant gagging noises, his eyes were wide open, awake and dilated. I have a theory this guy’s secretly a ert.

“She’s ing awesome as hell, your tiny balls couldn't even  do that” one of my tall, curvaceous friends, Yuri mocked. Loud crackles were heard throughout the hall but instantly muffled by the constant fear of getting caught.

It was normal to be afraid. There were the consequences to be afraid of. Detentions, referrals, suspensions, expulsions. There was also humiliation to be afraid of.

“Come on, who's next, it was your ing bet Kris!”

“Dude, Alex, you can stop now how much have you done?”

“More than you and your that's for sure.”

“Dude Alex, I didn't mean it, it was a joke” He anxiously looked around, for what reason I don't know, it was only us.

“ Oh , thats too bad, I think watching suits your style more.Who’s the one who came whining saying let's have a bet and see who can make out with the most people. Who’s the one who said it had to be anyone?”

“Yeah, but man Alex, I didn’t mean of the same either, I think we're both straight!”

“Well yeah, but it was your who said anyone, anyone means anyone boy, girl, transgender, no discriminating of course. I guess you had some kind of kink for seeing me like this?”

“Ooo burn!” Namjoon, one of my idiot friends cooed. Even when excited, the guy’s eyes still looked dazed and “out there”. Of course he would look high, he was the school's lead vocal in the schools most popular band, but also notorious for selling drugs on the side after his performances. In this school, populars were populars, whether you were known for a sport, band, even drugs. I was neither, I was just one crazy . I was all out, and no one could reach me. Not even I could sometimes. We were popular because we were the ones who dared, who pushed, who let go, the ones who had fun. That's what I had in common with the hotshot basketball player Kris and the lead singer/druggie Namjoon. My other friends took up similar interests: rode motorcycles, were part of gangs, even slept around. Popularity was popularity, but there were few of us who were because we dared. The levels varied, I was on the top, my shamelessness endearing all popular circles, getting several invitations from each clique.

“That's not true! I just wanted to see if you’d actually do it. But man you really would do anything, you are one shameless !”

“That’s right that’s why we love you Alex!”

“Why am I even friends with all you idiots” I shook my head, the stupidity of the whole situation almost making its way to my head. The buzz of the thrill was still present. The addicting feeling of pushing past my limits, whatever limits I still had at this point kept me wanting, pushing for more.

“Because we’re the same, fun people hang out with fun people. We have all sorts of fun doing things others wouldn't”

“Yeah, others” I motioned to all my  of friends just standing there, watching.

“Well, not all of us can be exactly like you, nothing ever seems to scare the hell out of you.  You just smile and welcome hell! You’re our scary , our fun scary psycho friend!”

That’s right, I wasn't afraid. I should've been humiliated at the prospect of giving away the innocence I harbored inside of me, my reputation, the consequences that would be faced. I still had self respect, just because I was shameless didn't mean I let myself be treated like I was nothing. I did this to try to be normal, in the least possible way. Something was wrong with me , I couldn't feel humiliation. The pleasure was vanishing, whatever soul I had was rapidly being   out of me. A horrible familiar numbness began to take its place.

“Should I be scared right now?”

It was as if time stopped for a few, long, heavy seconds as I received numerous blank looks from my friends, watchers, part takers.

As if on cue, one of the look outs ran in and started shaking as he exclaimed

“Guys, headmaster knows what's going on, he's coming, run!”

“Oh , , well hell ya you should be scared,  Alex let's go we're so ed”

I don't feel scared yet though.The nerves and thrill began to seep inside my once empty body. Maybe this would be my chance to feel it.

“Nah, you go if you want, I'm not done here yet!” I pulled in my next victim, and pressed my mouth into theirs, tongue dominating his being.

It was sand, it tasted like sand. It didn't taste as good as the other times. I had hoped it would taste sultry, salty, seductive, like wine. I let myself imagine wine. It tasted like wine, yes it tasted good. I began to feel the rush of ecstasy, the momentary disgust fading away.

“Alex c'mon it's not a joke, we're gonna get in trouble! People are gonna see!”

“So?” I moaned in between breaths. Ew too much even for me. My eyebrows scrunched slightly disgusted with the noise that just came out of my mouth. Oops, sorry you had to hear that Kris, I thought. But how could I not help myself,  it’s wine, it tastes good, it's not disgusting. I felt myself grin  into the mouth.

“Dude aren't you scared? What will your parents think, what will they say? What will the whole student body think if they find out you're making out with anyone? What will the principle do?”

I was so immersed in the desperate mouth of the stranger I hardly noticed a long strong arm roughly pulling me away. I looked up to find Kris the giant crouching down next to me pulling my arm towards him. I scowled up at him because, first, he was hurting my arm, and second he was ruining the moment with his frantic annoying behavior. Leave me alone. leave me be I don't care. I don't care about the school,  I don't care about my parents, I don't care about anyone. I don't care about anything.  

“Ya, c'mon Alex we have to go. We don't wanna get busted either.” Yuri reasoned in attempt to calm Kris down.

Why do they bother? I'm not listening, I'm not going to listen. It's too late, I'm not going to listen. They encouraged this in the first place, they wanted to see me like this, so what's the problem?  Leave me alone .

“ALEX!”

“What! We've gotten in trouble before who gives a if it happens one more time!”

“Don't play dumb you know why! We get caught this time and we’re done! You know that!”

“Well it didn't matter to you when you thought it’d be funny to make me do this huh? Your dumb head didn't think you'd get in trouble this time either. What? You thought that  you're sick es would be fulfilled and it'd be that simple?”

He spoke, slowly,smoothly,quietly, probably trying to summon the little patience and calm that left him a while ago. He spoke, ignoring the flush that crept up his cheeks, his neck.

“Alex, stop. It could be that simple if you just came with us and left, like a normal person who doesn’t wanna get in trouble.”

Normal person my . I'm not, I never will be. I wish I was, even if that meant I was a nervous wreck like you. Why do you stay, you judge me for how I am, you used me and now that the fun’s over for you, you wanna leave. Well I haven't had my fun yet, let me have mine.

“Enough! leave me be, get the hell out of here if you're so scared!” My eyes casted downwards at his large hands still pulling at my arm. I forgot about the pain for a while. With full force, I yanked my arm away from his hand.

He gasped, his low voice coming out in a startled rush.

“I warned you. I'm out” Kris sprinted with his stilts for legs. As if he needed to do that.

“Sorry Alex, I can't, If I get in trouble this time they'll really kick me out of school!”and with that, druggie namjoon was out. He was smart to not argue with me. Just because he was a stoner didn't mean he didn't have a high IQ, 150? I tried to recall from what I heard last time from his gang.

I looked behind me into the eyes of the last person left. My Yuri. I could see the conflict and hesitation in her eyes. She always hung around someone as insane as me, but there she could only go so far before she would be pulled back by insecurities, expectations, and fears. Not any fear, but the normal fear of any normal person. The fear I should have felt  right now. The fear I wish I felt at the moment. I wish I had it, I wish I cared. I don't though, I'm so empty. I’m so fake I feel like I might disappear.

I'm going to disappear alone. I thought as I looked in her desperate fleeting eyes.

What is this - I don't want to be alone.

She must have read the desperation on my face because she finally spoke “I'm sorry alex-I can't. c'mon Alex, you don't want this come on, let's go”

“No Yuri, you don't want this. You need to go” I turned my back on her like how she would do to me.

The storage room that was bustling with commotion only a few seconds ago was now dead silent. Everyone left except for the boy who was currently occupying my attention and a grungy looking girl. I guess I wasn't completely alone.

“You guys aren't afraid right? You guys wanna stick around me till the end. I promise you'll have more fun with me than you would've running with those no good ”

“I mean when will a crazy fun senior like me ever screw your mouths again. Ha, probably never. Not that I need you guys, I just wanna see what that headmaster’s gonna say when he sees me hooking up with a guy and a girl!You guys are in right?”

The silence took over. They both looked at each other with expressions that seemed to say the same thing. The irony, two strangers thinking the same thing:This really is crazy.

“Oh c'mon, don't give me those looks! Who will make you dumb, boring, sad juniors feel this good?”

A few judgmental glances later, the boy stood up “I'm out, you?”

“Hell ya I'm coming with you I'm out”

The two remaining underclassmen left me in a state of numbing patheticness.

Now I was alone.

“Well who gives a about them, I could still get plenty humiliated myself, looking like like this” I really was crazy after all, I was not only chasing the humiliating consequences , but I was also talking to myself.

As I sat in the storage room, I smiled, comforted by  the thought that in my current state: hair all over the place, clothes torn up, marked skin, out of class, I would definitely face the consequences. I would sit and wait till the end, till the very end when I felt that disgusting humiliation everyone was so terrified of. It only took about five minutes until I heard a set of loud pangs from the door.

“Out! It's over! I know you're in there you son of a Alex! What the is wrong with you?”

The idiot, I started to laugh hysterically. The door was kicked open to reveal a middle aged, quite stupid looking old man.

“Well, it took you long enough! Man, I thought I would die of boredom in there, you know you would get blamed for that.”

Everything seemed to go by in a blur as I lost myself to my craziness.

The last thing I could remember as I was shoved away was one of my infamous snarky remarks, “Oh, and only my idiot friends ask what the is wrong with me.”