All he could hear was the repetitive sound of scribbling, scrunching and the sound of the bin. It was beginning to drive him nuts, at first he’d let it slide because it took a few tries before one found their flow, groove and inspiration but now it was blatantly obvious that Namjoon was having a block and that he wasn’t going to get anything down in his state. Now that didn’t bother him because each to their own. However, it was beginning to disturb his own flow and a song he’d thought he could finish today was definitely going to have to be delayed at this point.

“Seriously, I can’t think with you like this Namjoon”

Suga paused the music on the computer his pen falling against the table as he rested back on his chair with a heavy sigh, his palms rubbing the sleep away from his face. He’d been here for the past two days straight, relying on barely two to three hours of sleep just to reach his target and the exhaustion was finally getting to them, no easier for Namjoon who seemed to be having it harder than he’s had for the past few weeks.

“Sorry hyung… I’m just…”

Just what exactly, Namjoon, are you even aware of what’s wrong with yourself. He could hear his brain screaming at him and it was right, absolutely right, because he didn’t know what it was exactly that had him so worked up these past few months. What it was that had him unable to focus and keep his head in the game.

Over the past few years his growing natural leading abilities had helped zone out and avoid uncomforting situations, which would affect the group, him and his work ethic in particular, he’d learnt to cope and not to let things run through his mind and disable him the ability to do his job. Namjoon wondered what it was about Park Jimin that could have him so messed up.

In fact, blaming Jimin was even a stretch because the younger surprisingly hadn’t done anything to him directly per say, but he was the cause of the stress that was bubbling in him, it wasn’t as if they had been interacting properly with the upcoming preparations of the epilogue of their album and their tours and concerts.

Namjoon felt that all this was Suga fault, he’d been fine, absolute fine and bubbly until the elder jokingly told him that Jimin, as in Park Jimin, in their group Jimin, liked him, as in ‘I-can-see-myself-having-your-babies’ like; which was virtually impossible anyway.

He laughed taken aback but Suga’s nowhere near humorous nonchalant ‘I-honestly-can’t-be-bothered-with-this-’ face didn’t really help him in taking the matter as a meaningless playful joke, had him asking if it was true the only response he got was a shrug and a ‘Seokjin hyung told me’.

He brushed it off with an ‘Oh’ and the matter was never spoken of again, he was sure that Suga had probably even forgotten but he certainly hadn’t and it was tormenting him. Namjoon couldn’t even find it in him to ask Jin for the truth, fearing the answer could be either a ‘yes’ or ‘no. At this point, both responses had their cons.

If Jimin said ‘No’, he’d feel embarrassed for gullibly believing that someone like Jimin could like him, for nervously fretting sleepless nights and dragging days when Jimin felt nothing, for having even the slightest of grins whenever Jimin was with him because he’d read way between the lines when there wasn’t even anything there.

If ‘yes’, then he’d worry about s. Namjoon doubts he’d be able to keep any form of stability knowing that Jimin felt something for him beyond platonic, he knew he probably wouldn’t be able to control himself around him, or his feelings from becoming more than they were now. He worried about people’s thoughts, s, their fans, their images, the public perception towards Jimin, him, them, if they’d be upset, disappointed.

He’d been watching Jimin for the past few months, monitoring his reactions, his interactions and the expressions, sorting through every action wondering in which way he meant it, whether he was doing it because he admired him as leader, adored him as a brother or liked him as man. It didn’t help because all his thoughts were subjective.

Because at the end of day, only Jimin knew of what he felt and he wouldn’t ever know that unless he asked him but he couldn’t. He couldn’t risk affecting the group over a potential joke. He couldn’t risk jeopardising what they’ve built because he didn’t know what he was feeling. Namjoon had no choice but to brush it to the side, as a leader, as a respectable figure for their fans.

Now, five months down the line and Namjoon was beginning to contemplate whether his decisions were the best because every time he closed his eyes, he could see Jimin, during their schedules Jimin’s touch and presence distracted him, when he was in the studio thoughts of Jimin clouded his mind messing up his progress.

Namjoon had a feeling that he’d developed a crush on Jimin it was obvious especially when it was getting to the point that every living moment he was fighting himself from grabbing the younger member and kiss him senseless, smothering him with his affections, making him feel what he was doing to him.

He was falling, falling fast. All of this was happening to him in a short span of time and still, to this day, he has no idea if what Suga told him was anywhere near the truth.

One would say distance and different endeavours would ease his mind, his need for Jimin but it wasn’t that easy, how could he even begin to think of distancing himself between Jimin, they’d all notice. It would blatantly cause a problematic rift within the group and they didn’t deserve all of that because he couldn’t understand what was wrong with him. He’s the leader, he’s meant to keep the group together not tear it apart.

It wasn’t as if having different schedules from Jimin, helped his case anyway, he was too far gone that be it in his presence or not, Park Jimin was always on his mind.

“… Ask him…”

The sound of Suga’s sigh brought him out of his deep thoughts. Turning towards him, he was going to ask him what exactly he meant when he noticed a bunch of scrupled papers in the elders’ hands, which looked similar to those he’d just thrown away, those covered with a certain ‘Park Jimin’s’ name on it instead of the song lyrics he was supposed to be working on.

“If I’m honest, I would have never told you if I knew you would have ended up like this…”

Namjoon sighed, his face falling into his palms, Suga was right, because of this, he was becoming a mess, something that was unlike him, far from Rap Monster, who is easily able to bottle things away and cast them away if they were affecting the chances to reach his dreams, their dreams. Because of this, he’d been slacking, he was losing his way and he couldn’t risk that, he was the leader of BTS, he had too much on his plate.

“I feel so messed up hyung, I don’t even feel like myself anymore… sometimes I just wonder if what I’m doing is right…” He’d muffled into his palms.

Was it right for him to cast away his feelings because of fear, fear of irresponsibility, negligence, unprofessionalism or was it better to cast away his selflessness and ruin what they’ve created so far, for his own happiness, was that even happiness, would Jimin be willing, would their members think he was selfish, that they were selfish. Just thinking of it was beginning to become frustrating.

His mind was swarming thoughts, those thoughts were like a deep fog that he was aimlessly walking through and still he couldn’t find right the route. He just needed a sign, a hand, something or someone to reassure and lead him right. A leader asking for help, the thought alone was hilarious. 

“You like him that much…?” Suga hummed, the pause making it sound as though he was asking a question though the way he said it was like statement as if he was sure of himself, as if knew something that no one else quite knew yet.

Namjoon couldn’t quite sense the emotion lingering behind his nonchalant tone again. Pushing his hair away from his face, he nodded much against his initial intent to keep his feelings to himself.

“You know Namjoon, sometimes, you’re going to have to step back from your leader position and make decisions as a human being. You have feelings, you’re allowed to have them and act on them accordingly, I’m not saying be selfish… What I’m saying is; don’t let this lifestyle ever take that away from you…”

Namjoon turned towards Suga, whom had found himself once more immersing himself into his writing letting his pen take over without the instrumentals in the background, head bobbing to the tune in his head as if his mind had already memorised the beat of the song. It was amazing how skilled he’d come to be since their trainee days.

 “What should I do then…?” 

Discarding his own decisions, Namjoon wasn’t sure what to do anymore, his mind emptying at the elders’ wise words, trying to find the right answer through it, yet he was left with almost nothing. Was he telling him to acknowledge his feelings for Jimin, to act on them? Or was he telling him that it is okay for him to feel this way so long as he returned to the old him.

Suga put his pen down again, shaking his head at Namjoon with a scoff, not so much mocking nor teasing but more of a scoff of disbelief; he turned towards Namjoon whom was looking at him with a perplexed expression written all over his face before falling into a brief fit of laughter.

“I think you lied about your IQ, either that or you lack common sense…”

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