Min

Just breath.    Yeah.    This ain’t working.    Breathing is overrated.    I want to throw up.    I crouched down and hide my head in between my legs.    Just breath.    You’re alone. No one is here to look at you with sympathy or judge you.    You wanted to come home didn’t you?    Well.    You’re here now.    Go on in.    I took another deep breath as I stood up and stuck my sweaty hands in my hoodie’s pockets.    I swallowed back the lump in my throat and took a step forward.    Then another.    And another, until I was standing face to face with the front door.    My hand shook as I took out my key chain and closed my eyes a couple of times before using my other hand to steady the key and turn the lock.   I pushed the door forward and was greeted by a warm gush of stored air.   I stared at the empty hallway in front of me for a few seconds. I could only see part of the wooden floors, while the rest of the hallways was engulfed in darkness.    “C’mon” I told myself, taking a step forward.    "This is your home” After telling myself that, I pushed through and flicked on the lights, then closed the front door behind me.    I looked over to my living room and released a sigh.    If the furniture had been covered with that plastic wrap or white sheets I think I would’ve ran back to the condo. Not really a comfortable sight to come home to.    I put my hands on my hips and looked around.    There had been cleaners before I arrived and it truly looked as if I was just returning from a tour, but I knew that the comfort I felt would fade away when I went upstairs.    Which is why I didn’t.    I quickly went over to the living room and my television. I let out a sigh and grabbed a pillow, hugging it as I laid on my side. My eyes were looking right at the screen, but I wasn’t paying attention.    “I’m home” I mumbled before closing my eyes and drifting into a deep sleep.    ♪   “Noona?”    I squeezed my eyes tighter, scrunching up my face at that stuffy feeling that comes with every wake.    “Noona, are you okay?” I slowly open my eyes, blinking a couple of times until I’m clearly seeing a pretty face looking at me with kind eyes.    “Oh, you’re pretty”    Junior chuckled and leaned back as I sat up. I looked around with my sleepy eyes and saw the rest of the boys all circling around me with frowns on their faces.    “What’s wrong?” I asked, turning to Junior, who was the closest to me.    But instead of answering me, he lightly tapped his cheeks with two fingers. I tilted my head to the side and touched my cheeks, noticing the wetness.    “Ah” I quickly wiped my eyes and smiled. “Sorry about that. So, where’s your manager?” “He drove another way to kind of trick the fans that were outside of Mark’s house. Mark drove us here”    “Nothing like driving in LA huh?” Mark smiled and nodded, “Yeah, still as scary as ever”    “Your bags are still in your car. Do you want us to bring them in?” Yugyeom asked politely and I widened my eyes. “No! You’re my guests, I should be carrying your bags in…” I trailed off as I stood up.    “We already brought them in, so you don’t have to worry” JB told me, shrugging the shoulder that was carrying his backpack.    “Yeah, we’ll get your bags. These are your keys right?” I opened my mouth to protest, but Jackson was already pulling Youngjae out the door with him, my keys in his hand.    “How did he know those were my keys?”    “He’s seems very comfortable around you.”    “And I’m comfortable around all of you, so it’s all good” I said, giving JB a reassuring smile. I knew he had said it apologetically, but I prefer they act natural and if that was who Jackson was, then I wasn’t going to restrict him.    “Should I show you to your rooms?” I asked, putting on my slippers. “There are three guest rooms downstairs with a bed and a couch that turns into a bed. You all can choose which room and have you eaten yet? I can order something for breakfast…”    I trailed off as I walked into the kitchen instead of turning into the hallway. Usually the smell of coffee would already be in the air when I got up in the morning and wanted to at least keep up with tradition before doing anything else.    “Min! We’re going to be late!”    I rolled my eyes at the overly excited 3 year old. First he didn’t speak, now he doesn’t stop.    “No we’re not, Max. We still have half an hour before we leave. Now, come on”    I lifted him up in my arms and set him down on the counter where his cereal was waiting next to mine.    “Eat and I’ll think about leaving early so you can be there first”    Max’s eyes lit up and he quickly picked up his plasitc dinosaur spoon.    I always thought that scenes in movies when you see yourself in the past weren't realistic, but while your eyes aren’t truly seeing you and your brother on the kitchen counter, your memory is. Which made me quickly step away, my heart aching as my back hit the kitchen island behind me.    You have guests, Min! Pull yourself together! I told myself, shaking my head.    “Um, Noona, do you want me to make the coffee?”    I looked down at my hands and noticed I was holding the bag of ground coffee in my hands. I was about to answer, but then realized the person who asked me spoke in perfect english.    When I turned around I saw Mark standing awkwardly in the kitchen doorway.    “Ah, it’s weird when you say it with english words. You’re the oldest right?”    Mark smiled and nodded, walking over to me and reaching for the mug near me.    “Yeah”    “And from LA, so you kind of get away with calling me Min. Cool?”    “Sure”    I smiled and silently thanked him for not bringing attention to my teary eyes, but I’m sure he noticed me squeezing the bag of coffee before walking in. Though I have to say that it was honestly a shock seeing him instead of the others. From the days I’ve known them he’s the least I would expect to talk to me first.    “I’ll get more mugs” I said after handing him the coffee bag. He smiled and quietly got to work as I walked over to the mug shelf.    “Where are the others? It’s so quiet”    Mark chuckled, “They’re picking out the rooms. I really don’t care who I stay with so I just came to check if you needed help in here”    “Well I appreciate it. I’m going to order breakfast. Anything you guys like in specific?”    “I’m okay with anything. So are the members. We really like food”    “Great, we’ll get along then, but first..”    I walked over and grabbed one of the mugs that was already full of coffee, then ruffled Mark’s hair.    “Thanks for the coffee”    “You do know we’re only two years apart right?” Mark grumped, making me laugh and mess up his hair again. He rolled his eyes, but smiled none the less.    “I’ll be back”    I walked into the hallway that led to the laundry room and called Gigi, asking for places that delivered large portions of food in at least an hour.   Of course, Gigi always had the answer.    I quickly made the order and when I walked back into the living room, the boys were seated on the sofas drinking their coffee and talking amongst themselves.    I think this was the fullest my house has ever been in a while.    When Max was first diagnosed I rarely had people over for obvious reasons, but before that, my house was full of people. Either for a party I held or a business party my dad planned.    I made an effort to keep the place clean and safe for him since he's always been frail. He was premature and his mother dying right after giving birth to him definitely affected his health. I put a stop to my activities to take care of him. I took him to his appointments and check up’s. I gave him his vitamins and his medicine, but none of that mattered in the end.    I still had hope that maybe there would be a miraculous cure for leukemia. I bet every single person who has a sick child wishes for the same thing, but to this day there are parents who wake up and are pelted with the realization that it might be the last day.    It's a horrible feeling.    “Food will be here in an hour. I’m going to head upstairs for a bit.” I told them, but avoided their eyes and just got myself up the stairs.    Once I reached the top, I didn’t stop. I made a beeline to my bedroom, not daring to glance up at my brother’s door as I passed it.    I turned the doorknob and immediately went in, shutting the door behind me.    The nob pressed against my back, but I ignored it. I was too busy trying to control my breathing.    Wow. Dramatic much?    I shook my head and instead look