„Be quiet and don’t wake her up..“ I heard the boys even though they are whispering. I didn’t want to get up yet and pretended to be still sleeping. Maybe they would hurry and leave the room soon I hoped and turned around in my bed.  After a few minutes I heard them leaving and closing the door. I pulled the blanket over my face and covered myself in the sheets.

My phone crashed my plans because it started to ring really loud. Still having my face under the sheets I searched for my phone and picked up the call.

“Yah..” I mumbled into it and wondered who was calling at this ungodly hour.

“Sun! It’s me..Lin..” I immediately sat up in my bed.

“Lin..” I whispered but she interrupted me.

“I read your messages..what happened? What do you mean with forgetting Leo? I thought you like him?” Too many questions in the morning..I rolled my eyes.

“Please, let’s not talk about this..” I tried to stop her but she wouldn’t let it go.

“No, tell me. Why do you want to forget him? You like him, right? And he likes you obviously. I’m sure he..”

“He has a girlfriend!” I made her stop talking and heard her holding her breath.

“What? How do you know?” Her voice sounded surprised and angry at the same time. “I mean..you guys..just the way he’s looking at you..” I sighed and decided to explain to her.

“After I danced with him we were all backstage again, but then they left to practice for their solo performance. Leo was texting the whole day on his phone and when I was alone in the room he got a message on his phone. I know it was wrong..but I checked his phone and read the message. His girlfriend’s name is Minah..” I felt tears coming up and quickly swallowed them. I didn’t want to cry now because of Leo.

“Are you sure that she is his girlfriend and not just a normal friend?” I heard my best friend’s voice through the phone after a few minutes of silence.

“She wrote him that she misses him and ended the message with ‘Love, Minah’ and a heart. I don’t think I misunderstood anything. Who would write a guy something like that? That’s what he meant when he said that it was better this way. He is in a relationship. Everything was just a mistake..” I couldn’t hold back the tears that were running down my cheeks now. “..I was just a mistake to him. Just like the kiss…”

“KISS?!” I had to hold my phone away from my ear because otherwise my ear would have fallen off. Damn, I totally forgot that I hadn’t told her about our kiss. Good job, Sun, I scolded myself and rolled my eyes. There was no way out now and so I told her everything.

“Oh my god..that changes everything. Kissing you..but being in a relationship..if that’s true then he’s a big fat liar. You need to talk to him..” Lin suggested me but I refused.

“I just want to forget him, ok? I’m going to enjoy the time with Hakyeon and concentrate on studying.”

Lin and I talked for ten more minutes and she told me about her grandma. I really couldn’t wait to see her again and already missed her when we hung up. I decided to search for my cousin and his band now. I changed my clothes, brushed my teeth and then went outside.

It was a beautiful morning and the sun was shining. It was already night when we arrived yesterday and so I wasn’t able to see the camping place. I could spot many trees now, it looked like a forest, and even a big and beautiful lake right in front of me. The sun was reflecting in the water and everything looked full of harmony. While looking around I saw many people standing around with cameras on the grass. That was the filming crew. My cousin and his friends were sitting on the grass and obviously they were talking and already filming the new diary episode. I went closer and listened.

“This diary episode is like survival training for you. You will have to complete challenges and gain or lose points. We will split you up in three groups..so you always pair up with another person.” A woman (obviously the director) explained to the boys who were listening quietly.

“What challenges?” Hakyeon asked the woman and Hongbin looked really curious.

“We won’t tell you now..but this diary episode will be a little different this time.” The woman explained and now I also got curious. What did she mean with “different”?

The boys looked surprised when the woman handed them three little video cameras.

“You have to walk around here with your partner. You’re going to record your trips while trying to solve the challenges. After a certain time limit we will all meet here again and the film crew will record the main scenes..when we tell you your points or tell you the next challenge.”

The boys smiled and I was really excited now to watch the filming of this diary episode. It sounded funny. My cousin smiled when he spotted me, stood up and came to me.

“Morning.” He said while hugging me and I hugged him back. “Did you sleep well?” he asked and I nodded. The boys also got up now and came to us. We talked a little bit about the landscape and then I noticed that Leo was standing a few meters away looking at the lake. He looked concentrated but also..sad..in some way. I tried to ignore it and continued talking with my cousin and Hongbin. Ravi and Ken were already filming themselves with the camera and Hyuk was asking the staff members for food. He seemed really hungry and after a few minutes of begging they finally gave him something to eat.

The filming started then and just like the boys I sat in the grass next to the staff members. At first the boys had to introduce themselves and my cousin talked about the concert last night. Ravi, Ken, Hyuk and Hongbin also said something and Leo was the only one who was just sitting there and watching everything. He was always quiet but today he seemed even more silent than usual.

The second part was dividing the boys into team. The staff members made it easy and just threw six paper rolls at them. Everybody grabbed one and opened it. On each paper was a different number written and the persons with the same numbers would be partner. Hyuk and Hongbin both got number 2, Ken and Ravi got number 1 and N and Leo obviously got number 3. My cousin pulled Leo into a hug who just tried to push him away but seriously, nobody can push my cousin away when he’s in a cuddle mood. I smiled when I saw Leo’s face expression but at the same time I felt this pain in my heart again and immediately looked to Ravi and Ken who were forming a heart with their hands into the camera.

“Ok..first round now..this part is called ‘How well do you know your partner?’” the director woman explained and caught the boys’ attention. “We will ask you all questions. You will all close your eyes and when it’s time you have to make a ‘thumbs up’ for ‘yes’ or showing a ‘thumbs down’ for ‘no’. One person of you will be the one who’s answering the question and the other one has to guess if his partner says ‘yes’ or ‘no’. Understood?”

The boys understood the rules and closed their eyes. I felt a little bit confused but I decided to just watch them. Ken poked my cousin in the side to and Ravi started to laugh when my cousin squeaked like a little mouse.

“N, Hongbin and Ravi will be the ones who will answer the questions. Leo, Hyuk and Ken are the ones who will guess what their partners will say.” The director explained and the boys nodded with their eyes closed.

“Question one: Do you think your partner is happy to be in a team with you?”

I saw the boys all showing their thumbs up and when the director allowed it they opened their eyes and smiled. Everybody got a point because they were right.

“Question two: Did you ever lie to your partner?”

Hongbin put his thumbs up, while Hyuk put his thumb down. Ravi and Ken both made their thumbs up, just like Leo and my cousin. The boys opened their eyes. It was time to say the truth now and Hongbin started to explain.

“Well..I did lie to Hyuk once.” He smiled in the camera. “He was searching for food in our dorm and I told him that we didn’t have any because we were still on diet and I didn’t want him to ruin his body.” Hongbing laughed and Hyuk looked shocked at him. The boys laughed and the game continued. They had really fun playing this game and then it was the least question.

“Question ten: Would your partner allow you to go out with a member of his family, like his sister or somebody else?”

Ravi put his thumb up while Ken put his thumb down. Hongbin and Hyuk both put their thumbs down. Leo had his thumb up but my cousin had his thumb down. He wouldn’t allow Leo to date one of his family? I looked a little bit shocked..good thing he didn’t know about the thing between Leo and me.

Ken explained his decision: “Ravi snores at night. I would feel poor for my sister or somebody else from my family.” Ravi laughed at his explanation. And then it was my cousin’s turn to explain his decision but Ken interrupted him.

“Leo hyung, why do you think N hyung would allow you to date someone from his family.” Ken really stressed the word family and I held my breath. Why did you do this, Ken? Leo began to explain. He talked really calm and quiet:

“I would take care of her and treat her well. I would never hurt her..” I didn’t know what to say. Never hurt her, huh? Thanks for hurting me, Taekwoon. I glared at him and when he looked at me I demonstratively looked away.

“I wouldn’t allow it. Family is family, friends are friends. I wouldn’t be happy to know that one of my friends is together with a family member of mine in a romantic way. I wouldn’t accept it.” N explained and Hongbin and Ravi shared his decision. Leo looked around without saying any more words.

The filming of the episode took the whole day. They had to play more games and had a lot of fun although it was very stressful. I enjoyed watching them the whole day and had a lot of fun although I was trying to ignore Leo. I saw him looking at me a few times but every time he did I just looked away.

In the evening we all had barbecue together. Leo cooked the meat on the grill and it was really nice of him taking charge of this while the boys and I were sitting at the table and talking the whole time. Suddenly Ken and Ravi got the idea of playing the ‘Fry pan game’.

The beginning of the game is simple. You slap your thighs four times while saying ‘Ting, tingting ting’, then you clap your hands four times while saying ‘Tang tangtang tang’, then you slap your thighs twice and your hands twice while saying ‘ting ting tang tang’ and then you slap your thighs once, clap your hands, point your right thumb out and then put your left thumb out. Then the actual game starts and you have to say the name of one player and a number (which is not bigger than 4) but in the last two beats. So it sounds like ‘slap your thigh, clap your hands, name, number’. And then the person has to say his name without messing up the beat (for example: Thigh, hands, Hyuk, 3 = Thigh, Hyuk, Hyuk, Hyuk). And then this person has to do the same again with a new name. It’s a really cool game and I remember playing it in school when I was younger.

We started to play the game until dinner was ready. We all had a lot of fun while Leo was still standing in front of the grill and cooking our meat. I was glad that he wasn’t sitting here with us right now because I wouldn’t be able to look into his eyes now. I was still hurt but I also didn’t want to listen to Lin. There was nothing to talk about with him. And besides, you know what my cousin said earlier, there wouldn’t be a single chance for us. But still I was wondering if the guys knew that Taekwoon had a girlfriend. I thought they made a promise to not have a girlfriend while they were idols? Maybe he was hiding the fact? I shook my head and tried to concentrate on the game because I messed up the beat almost every time when it was my turn.

After dinner the boys were really tired and decided to go to bed. I wasn’t tired at all but I went inside our sleeping room with them. I decided to write Lin a message and then I would try to sleep. We would leave tomorrow morning again. The diary episode was complete and so there was no need to stay here longer.

“Thank you for being there for me in the morning. We will drive home tomorrow. I can’t wait to see you again. Good night and I love you <3”

I put my phone away after I sent the message and tried to fall asleep. I wasn’t tired at all and turned left and right but still I was 100% awake. Maybe I should take a walk outside, I thought and quietly changed my clothes and went outside.

The night sky was filled with stars and the air was fresh but also a little cold. I walked towards the lake and looked on the water. The stars were reflected by the lake and everything looked beautiful and felt so easy. My life wasn’t so easy and I wondered if it really was a good decision to move in with my cousin and his band. If I went to America with my parents Leo and I would have never met and he could be happy with his girlfriend. I wouldn’t have this stupid heartache and..I wouldn’t know Lin. That thought made me sad. Maybe it was destiny. Staying in Seoul and meeting Lin..getting hurt by Leo..why did he do this?

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” I turned around and saw Leo standing behind me. Did he follow me?

“What are you doing here, Taekwoon?” I asked and looked on the lake again.

“I couldn’t sleep and then I heard you walking outside.” He explained and I closed my eyes.

“So, basically, you followed me..” I concluded.

“Yes.” I heard him taking a breath. “Sun, we need to talk. I..”

“I really liked your song at the concert.” I interrupted him and when he tried to continue his sentence I continued talking without even thinking. “Your girlfriend Minah can be lucky to have a guy like you.” I stopped breathing and my mouth fell open. Great, good job, Sun…just tell him right away that you checked his phone. My cheeks were burning and I wanted to slap myself really hard.

“How do you know about Minah?” I heard him mumbling surprised.

“It doesn’t matter, does it? I know that you have a girlfriend, I know that I was a mistake to you. It was her song, I understand.”

“It wasn’t her song..” I heard him coming closer. This was so ridiculous I thought, turned around and wanted to get away. *BASH* I bumped into his chest and he quickly pulled his arms around me. I slowly looked up and looked into his brown eyes..just like when we first met..

“From the moment we met..since you first looked at me..” He started to sing the lines of the song and continued looking in my eyes. “It’s your song.” He said before pushing his lips against mine. His lips were so soft and tasted so good. The kiss was so sweet and innocent and when he broke it and looked at me I wanted to kiss him again.

“Taekwoon..” I whispered but he just put a finger on my mouth.

“Minah is not my girlfriend. She is very important to me..but we are not dating. I know her since my trainee days. She helped me to get through many problems and we dated for a little time back then but she broke up with me and went to America then for a year.” He smiled and my hair.

My heart wanted to jump out of my chest and I was so happy all of a sudden but still I had so many questions.

“But..you said it was better this way..” I whispered and covered my head in his chest. He laid his chin on my hair.

“Dating as an idol is not easy, you know? You can’t just walk around and act like a normal couple. Reporters are everywhere and they can be very rude when they write articles. There’s almost no time to be together because of the schedules. And on top of that..you heard what N hyung said today..” He ended and I nodded in his chest.”It’s not what you deserve..” He whispered in my hair and I looked up to him. Without thinking I just kissed him again.

“I know that it’s not easy..but we could still…try..?” I asked him quietly and avoided looking in his eyes. I saw him smiling a little bit but still I saw fear in his eyes.

“We would have to be really careful then..” He whispered and kissed me again under the beautiful night sky. Without any more words it was settled now. We would try being together although we would have to hide our relationship. It wouldn’t be easy but together we could make it, I thought when we went back to the sleeping room while holding hands.