Knock.

It was late evening, just at the brim of sunset. I was eating dinner with my family, while constantly fixing my father’s bracelet that I received two days ago. All this was too startling for me, as every single moment I’ve spent with my parents rushed through my mind faster than light could travel. I could remember the first time we went out to play, the moment my parents revealed to the public that they were married and had me, the times we played together in an amusement park, the day my father willingly ate ice cream together with his ill daughter, the simple moments in life that matters most.

Knock.

It brought me back to reality, and I immediately gestured I’ll get it. I stormed to the door, and peeked through the tiny peephole. Soldiers.

I backed in fear, and told Jae Suk appa, not ahjussi anymore. He took a knife and handed me another, just in case they mean to hurt us. We braved ourselves and unlocked our door. A soldier then kicked the door open. I had turned around and braced myself for a gun to the back of my head, but a loud thud was heard instead. Jae Suk appa kneeled beside me, then told me to turn around.

“Hyo Jong-ah?”

My mind froze. My eyes were clouded with so much doubt and fear that I almost gave out and fainted, but Jae Suk appa kept me up. I covered my gaping mouth as my tears ran down my cheeks.

He whispered, “My daughter, it turns out that I kept my promise, didn’t I?”

I pulled him into a warm embrace, feeling his hot tears against my hair. He was burning hot, and his hands were tied tightly in front of him. I shifted and fit myself into the space between his arms, and hugged him back. He was ill and in terrible condition, and it seemed like they had neglected his injuries and let him be.

I cried on his chest like a baby, and a sense of nostalgia hit me. We separated reluctantly at a shout from the intimidating soldiers standing behind him, stating something like no excessive skinship or something. I immediately whimpered, and Jae Suk appa glared at the soldiers. He received endless gratitude from my father, who said he owed him for taking care of me all this time. Jae Suk appa laughed bitterly, and accepted his thanks. He replied, saying thanks for giving him a chance to take care of a such splendid daughter, making my cheeks burn red.

While they exchanged gratitude, I studied my father. He definitely looks a lot older. There was a large bruise on his right jaw that was blue and swollen. The place where his bracelet used to be was replaced by an open wound that fed the handcuffs around his wrist a generous amount of blood. His left knee joint was swollen as well, and there was a gaping tear right below it, which was just starting to heal. One shoulder had a bullet wound. His lips were bleeding, and one of his eyelids were forcefully half-closed by an inflammation around it. What used to be tanned skin has turned paler than my mother’s fair skin, and he was so thin that I could feel his ribs while hugging him. It bothered me how much he looked so unwell, yet they ignored his suffering.

His face turned to study me instead. I was 15, and I didn’t look much different than the average Korean teenager. Tears had flooded my face subconsciously and I let him stare at me for however long he wanted.

“Come here.”

I came closer to him, and leaned my head on his good shoulder. He kissed the top of my head, then asked me about my life.

You tell me about yours first, father.

“I haven’t had much going on. I’ve just been rotting in an inhumane North Korean prison.”

A sentence in a foreign North Korean accent was spoken after that, followed with a strong kick to my father’s back. It sent blood flying to my shirt, accompanied with an agonized moan. I instantly went to his aid and rubbed his back softly, where a footmark was clearly shown.

“My back hasn’t been doing so well recently,” he cringed, “and so is the rest of my body.”

Why aren’t they taking care of you?

“I’m a prisoner, dear. No one cares about a prisoner if he doesn’t get into trouble.”

Another kick flew, hitting the back of my neck in my attempt to protect my father. I gasped for air for a moment, feeling like I was going to die. Upon my father’s worried gaze, I coughed and turned to face him, then made another gesture towards him.

Would you let me take care of you now? You look like you’re in a lot of pain.

“I’d rather enjoy your company, love. I have little time before they kill me.”

My father laughed bitterly, then smiled towards me I stared to his eyes. The hope I always found in those orbs had turned into pessimism and utter sadness. I could not express my disappointment at what they have turned my ever-gentle father into.

I really love you, you know that?

“I know, dear. And I’m really glad that they let me meet you one more time.”

Can I put this bracelet back where it belongs?

“Sure, go on. Don’t be surprised if it just becomes embedded in the wound.”

I slipped the bracelet into his wrist, only for it to hang loosely on the handcuffs binding his hands. He sighed hopelessly, then tried to comfort me.

“Don’t worry, love. I’m lucky enough to feel your touch.”

Can they kill me in your place?

“They sure can, but I won’t let them. You have a future ahead of you! I am a wounded prisoner, love. Even if I don’t die now, my injuries would kill me later. You have to live, for I still love you, and you’re still my everything.”

I want to die with you then.

“No.”

Please?

“No.”

I want to always be together with you.

“The pendant I gave you, do you still have it now? I told you I’ll come back for it. Keep that, love. Keep it as an assurance that I’ll always be with you. I’ll get that back when you meet me somewhere up there, sooner or later. I hope it will be later, though,” he chuckled faintly.

A similar wave of assurance hit me, and again, I was caught in silence. Why is he so good in convincing me? His sentence isn’t very effective on other people, but is it that special stare that told me to let go?

“Live for me. Keep me in your mind, and I shall be with you. Reach your dreams for me, and although I cannot accompany you achieve it, I’ll take care of you from up there.”

I’m sorry, dad. I didn’t stay there and wait for a glimpse of you.

“I’m sorry too, for all I’ve done and all I haven’t done.”

We exchanged a meaningful smile, for both of us had read his letter knowing that it was bitterly written in isolation, yet now he’s granted what he deemed impossible; meeting his daughter for the first time in 9 years.

“I’m glad you’re here, safe forever. Honestly, I want to see you graduate, I want to see you marry someone. I want to stay longer and see you with a genuine smile of joy. But I can’t, love, and you know that already. I’m here as my last wish.”

Thank you for being here now.

“Thank you for not giving up on me.”

I love you, dad. I’m sorry that I’m not the best at expressing it, but I love you so much.

“I love you more. You know, it kills me inside not to be there for you at your darkest. You see there? Jae Suk hyung is your father, too. He will stay with you for me. Trust him, and you’ll be okay.”

I know. I just… I’ve missed you, and I will miss you. I feel like I want to kill those soldiers before they kill you.

“Don’t! It’ll destroy your future, you know. You don’t want to end up like me, don’t you?”

Of course not! But father, can I ask for something from you?

“Sure! I’d be glad to see you happy with what I can do in my power,” he smiled.

Can you sing a song for me?

“…”

Silence rang across the room.

“I haven’t sang in 9 years…”

I’m sorry… You don’t have to sing, I mean, I want you to sing, but if you can’t, then it’s oka-

“The words that I couldn’t say to you, I love you,” his voice cracked,

“The words that cannot be filled with anything,

The words that I replaced with tears,

Even until the end.

I’ll leave the word “I love you” deep in me,

So that we can talk with a smile next time.”

I trembled as his voice resonated across the room. I had not heard him sing in so long. His voice was beautiful, yet so melancholic. He was the best in delivering his emotions through a song, and he still is. My heart was deeply moved. I crept into his arms again, and cried into his chest.

He put his head atop mine, and we stayed in that position for what seemed like forever. His arms still feel like the safest place ever, and I feel sorry to say that his burning fever felt rather warm and comforting against my body. I buried my face deeper into his chest, hearing his heart beat slow and steady. It somehow felt as if his pain was radiating from his body, as if pain was contagious.

I put my hand in his, and he squeezed it. I miss how he used to lead my hand for a walk to school, or how he lifted me with those strong arms. Now, his biceps was substituted by prominent scars, and the strength I longed for had completely disappeared. I his back to comfort him, but he tried to conceal a hiss of pain every time my hand landed on a painful spot.

Dad? I his arm.

“Yes, love?”

I’m scared.

“I’m here, love. Why are you scared?”

You’re here, but every time I touch you, you whimper in pain. It just scares me how the future can be so uncertain, you know? It scares me how things would turn out.

“What’s important is that I’m here, right? I can bear the pain. Please, come back in my arms. It means that you can bear with the future, too. Just be positive. Think that I’d be praying for you wherever you are.”

I could always rely on you, father. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me.

“Thank you for being my daughter too, Hyo Jong-ah. Hey, remember how much you used to love being hugged? I want you back here. I want to feel you tight against my arm again.”

I’m so grateful that you’re here, father. Even for the last time. I wish we had more time, but this…

“This is more than both of us could ask for.”

I smiled, and he did, too. I went into his embrace, cherishing what used to be free for me to do anytime. As I snuggled in his warmth, a conversation between the soldiers was heard. All of us started to become uneasy as we recognized scary words in between what they said, like time and death.

“I think my time is near, love.”

My hands immediately objected, No!

“Whatever happens, I want you to know that I love you. Kim Hyo Jong, you are my everything. You are my hope, you are my light. I wish that you’d reach the stars for me.”

I will, father. I… promise. Please promise me that you’ll wait for me. That you’ll wait for us to reunite again, hopefully somewhere beautiful.

“I will become the most patient person ever. I love you.”

He stared into my eyes, and once again I was reminded of that look in his eyes, full of sincerity and love. What seemed like hopelessness had been changed into love as both of us realized how little time we had left to cherish each other’s presence.

He kissed my cheeks and put his head onto my shoulders, and hugged me tight. The next thing I felt was a yank that separated me from my beloved and thrown me into the floor.

“Hold my hand, Hyo Jong-ah. Please…”

I held his hand and closed my eyes, as I whimpered hard. I was scared, and I felt that he was, too. I interlocked my fingers with him.

“I love you, Kim Hyo Jong.”

I love you too, appa.

I mouthed the sentence of love to him, as salty beads of tears poured endlessly onto my open mouth. From the edge of my eye, I could see a gun. I closed my eyes out of fear and despair. He buried his head to my shoulders, enjoying our last moments together. He then whispered weakly,

“I promise I’ll see you someday.”

Bang.