An apartment unit in Toa Payoh has become our shelter in Singapore. I am currently living with Jae Suk ahjussi’s family as his adoptive daughter. He is a splendid father, but he makes me miss my real father sometimes. I am grateful for what I have, grateful for a safe life, but I still want my father.

I go to school full-time. I have piano lessons once a week. I visit my counselor twice a week. I visit the mailbox everyday, hoping that a single letter from my father would be delivered.

My hope came true. Within 2 months of living here, a packet came for me. It was wrapped in a simple brown envelope and a bright purple ribbon. My mother’s favourite colour.

I took it in my arms and hugged it tight, like all my life depended on that single package. I ran home, bumping into several people in the streets. No complaints were heard, though, for my body language spoke to them.

I arrived home to Jae Suk ahjussi on the couch, eating an apple while reading a novel he bought. I’m home. He didn’t bother to see my gesture, but did welcome me with a smile upon the sound of the door. I hugged him, then set the package down.

His eyes looked at me with disbelief, as if doubting that this brown package is genuine. He held my hand, looked at me, then said,

“Let’s open it together.”

I can’t look. You open it first.

He agreed, then carefully undone the ribbon and torn the edge of the brown wrapping paper. I sighed.

This is it. This will tell me how my father is doing. This will tell me where he is and if he is okay. I hope he is. He still hasn’t fulfilled his promise.

“I’ll come back, I promise.”

The sentence resonated in my ears, as if the memory was fresh, as if it was permanently burnt on the back of my mind. Throughout my entire 10 years of losing and rediscovering hope, this sentence was the only thing that made me go on. The promise that he etched onto my heart that time and forever.

The echo in my head broke as Jae Suk ahjussi spoke to me with teary eyes.

“This is rather shocking, love. I’ve read some of it. I’m going to let you read it in private. If you need me, please just come into my room.”

As he left with a comforting smile, my hands trembled harder. I took a peek on the insides of the package. It was a purple envelope, a little porcelain white box, two ziplock bags, and some pieces of paper that has been touched by ink.

The envelope was my mother’s death certificate, doubled with my birth certificate and my parents’ marriage certificate behind it. My tears started to flow as her peaceful smile flashed before my eyes, and that last I love you rang in my ears.

It said, December 18^th.

Song Ji Hyo.

Female.

Married with one daughter.

Died in the hands of North Korea.

The rest was a blur, for I had set down the paper and cried into a cushion. I miss my mother terribly. I want her here. I want her to prove this is wrong.

Bracing for other information and erasing the remaining tears, I reached into the porcelain box and found her ashes. I quickly put it aside, and then opened the ziplock bags. One was the shell necklace I put on her that day, and the other was my father’s Buddhist bracelet.

My father’s bracelet.

He would never, ever, in a million years, take it off.

I started imagining what could’ve happened to him until he took them off. War rules? Losing a limb? Losing his life?

It was once broken by Dong Hoon ahjussi while doing a Running Man mission. I remember watching the episode seeing the clear incredulity on his face even on camera. It was a gift from his mother, and she gladly helped him assemble the beads back on a new string. That bracelet is probably more precious than all of the money he had received in his whole life.

I reluctantly put the shell necklace on my neck and tied the bracelet tight on my wrist. Even at the tightest, it was still loose because it was how big my father’s wrists were. I miss how those wrists used to graze on my skin when he gave me a warm hug.

Trembling, I took the paper in my hands.

---

Dear my lovely daughter, Kim Hyo Jong.

Somehow, I heard his voice loud and clear. Even when the last time I’ve heard him speak is 9 years ago, I still remember how beautiful his voice is.

Hi, love. I miss you. How are you? If this is in your hands now, then you are most probably in a safe place right now. How does it feel to be safe? Is it good? I’m glad you’re there, because you’re all that matters for me. I love you.

I hope life has treated you well. Your journey must have been very long and hard, isn’t it? Now it all becomes worth it once you’ve settled down and enjoy normal human life. I love you.

I am currently imprisoned in North Korea for betraying them. They forced me to join their side, but I will always stay loyal to my own country. I would probably be killed in a few days. I managed to kill some of their ministers, but my name would only be engraved on my tombstone, not on a monument. I’m sorry I didn’t make you proud, but I love you.

I will use my last wish for a chance to meet you, love. I will ask them for a glimpse of you, for one ticket into your arms for a warm hug. That is almost impossible, but I’ll try. I’ll do my best to fulfill my promise to the one I love most.

Darling, if I die without having a chance to see you, I want you to know that I am very, very, sorry. I am sorry that I was not a good father. I am sorry that I left you. I am sorry that you had to fight through all this with Jae Suk ahjussi, not me by your side. I am sorry that I can’t come back. I am sorry that I broke a promise for the first and only time in my life. I miss you badly, love.

Just like my songs said,

“I want to see your laughing face more than anything,

That will be the biggest gift for me.

I want to hold tight your small hands,

Walking together as the sun sets.

I keep you by my side, closing my eyes,

I feel you through the sweet wind.

I also feel the sweet memories which passed by,

And the eyes looking at me.

The more I miss you, the more I cry,

The more I think about you, the more you become blurred.

I notice and hate myself,

Forgetting you while remembering.

The words that I couldn’t say to you, “I love you,”

The words that cannot be filled with anything,

The words that I replaced with tears,

Even until the end.

I’ll leave the word “I love you” deep in me,

So that we can talk with a smile next time.”

I love you. I will never leave you, and I will always protect you on earth or up there somewhere, because you are my daughter and you are the only one I love. Please forgive me, my daughter, for all I’ve done and for all I haven’t done. Live well, and I’ll be waiting for the day that we will be reunited. I wish sincerely that I could hug you one more time. Please pray for me so that I’ll be granted permission to be with you, even for just a minute.

I love you, Kim Hyo Jong. I love you.

From your father,

Kim Jong Kook.