Wildest Dreams (pt. 2)

===

Lights will guide you home

and ignite your bones

===

He must’ve fell asleep for a short while from the exhaustion. His back is still slightly sore when he opens his eyes to the yellowish glow of the sun slowly crawling up to the sky through the window of the bedroom. His eyes are immediately open because of its beauty; he never really got the chance to watch the sunrise back in Seoul. The raw beauty really puts him in utter awe.

“This is why I insisted to go early.” Kris’ voice sounds hoarse, and content at the same time.

“You’re awake.” Tao chuckles. He can’t see Kris’ face since he’s back-facing him but he can tell that Kris is smirking.

“And so are you.” Kris presses his lips gently on the spot between his neck and shoulder. Tao’s heart aches from such gesture; he feels so loved, so adored. “Good morning.”

“You’ve said that back in home.”

“Well, it’s a complete ‘good morning’, with the sun and all.”

Tao laughs as he turns around. He gasps when Kris swiftly swings his arm to catch him in an embrace. “Whoa,” Tao stares at him, “why are you so handsome even when you just woke up?”

“And you’re so adorable and noisy even when you just woke up.” Kris grins when Tao pinches his arm. “And I would’ve, if I can, traded all I have in exchange to have you like this, every single morning, for the rest of my life.”

The air is still as Tao cups Kris’ cheek gently with his hand. “Yifan,” he sighs.

“Zitao.”

“May I ask why did you bring me here?” Tao leans closer until the tip of their noses touch. “It can’t be just because of our Friday date.”

He finds Kris out of explanation again. Kris just stares and stares at him, as if he’s asking him not to torture him with such question.

“This,” Tao croaks out, “this… can’t be my farewell gift, right?”

He doesn’t care if Kris is perplexed by his question, or if his eyes are getting watery out of sudden. It’s already his nature, his perception of the world; nothing good ever lasts long enough, at least until we’re ready to let it go.

“I… we’ve promised, not to end us as long as we can endure it, but,” Tao scoots away with a smile on his lips, an obviously bitter one, “I kept thinking, that no one wants to live a complicated life. Not even me, not even you. You… you are the only thing that makes me expect my tomorrows with excitement, YIifan, but I think, I think I’m the thing that makes you insecure and nervous of your own tomorrows.”

“Zitao,”

“Yifan.” Tao still maintain his smile as he wipes away a single tear on his cheek. “I’ll understand. Maybe it will be hard for me for a few weeks, but I will understand eventually. We… we’ve had something beautiful, something magical there. It was sad, it was beautiful, it was… tragic. And it was meant for us to let it go, let it be. What I’m saying is – “

“Tao,”

“ – that we might need to let it go sooner than we’ve expected, don’t you think?”

“Zitao,” Kris calls brokenly, “enough already.”

“But I was right, wasn’t I? This is my farewell gift.” Tao finally sobs openly. “You brought me to such a beautiful place like this, you made love to me, and you let me wake up next to you. I must admit, it’s a very beautiful gift indeed.”

Kris immediately pulls him into his arms, placing his head on his chest, and keeps his embrace tight. Tao can feel Kris’ shoulders shaking; he must be crying too. “Hey, don’t be sad,” Tao’s words slightly muffled against Kris’ skin, “we can… we can play pretend, right? Let’s pretend… that it’s the first morning of our life here. Our life, together. Let’s pretend.”

He never saw or heard Kris cry. He never even imagined a crying Kris because it seemed like it won’t suit him. But now that Kris is sobbing above his head, he can’t help but feel the pain as well.

“I love you, Huang Zitao,” Kris breathes out between catching his breath, “no matter what you will see, or what you will hear later, just remember that I love you, I really do. Even if the world comes to you and tell you I don’t, just keep in mind that I do. I love you.”

Tao closes his eyes, letting his tears fall more. “I love you too, Wu Yifan.” He whispers. “Maybe I will resent you for a while later, but I will still love you as well. Even if someday, someone come and my brain tells me that I might can love the person instead, I will still love you.”

He feels Kris nodding. “Promise.”

“Promise.”

==

The house is medium-sized, but the lane is surely spacious. Apparently they’re in some secluded area, and the entrance street is surrounded by trees at each sides, circling the entire area, making it looks like they’re living in the woods. The first thing they do after they get up from the bed and wash their faces is to check on a couple of bicycles parked side by side near the front door. They ride along the front yard, the back yard, to the streets, and get back by walking, talking simple things they never talked about before – ‘why do you like navy blue so much?’ ‘so you really can’t stand cold?’ ‘have you ever got in trouble because you dyed your hair?’ ‘why did you choose Seoul, though?’

It’s like they’re walking on eggshells, ready to crack them in any second. They don’t talk about their previous conversation on the bed this morning. They don’t talk about their farewell. There is no confirmation about the farewell, but it seems like each of them already knows the outcome. Maybe it’s too painful for them to deal with the fact that they’re not meant to last for long, so they decide to mask all the pain with doing a lot of things that can make them temporarily forget.

Tao cooks them brunch. Two plates of ham and cheese French toasts resting on the dining table, complete with orange juices. It’s actually the first home brunch they ever had together, and it feels surreal for Tao as Kris sits eagerly and grabs the utensils. He watches as Kris devours his meal with so much passion. “Is it that good?” Tao frowns jokingly.

“It looks very plain, actually. Unlike the ones I usually eat on my friend’s café, but,” Kris adds immediately when Tao raises a knife in his hand, “it’s somehow more delicious.”

“Probably the cheese.”

“No,” Kris winks, “probably you.”

Tao rolls his eyes. “Definitely the cheese.”

It’s very easy to pretend that they’re just a normal couple, enjoying their first day of honeymoon. It’s very easy to pretend that they’re free from any burden, any consequences, and any responsibility. It’s very easy to put up a smile and be nonchalant of everything instead of facing the truth.

At afternoon, Kris smoothly slips something onto Tao’s ring finger when they’re watching Avengers’ sequel on the flat screen TV. Tao stares at the foreign object on his finger first, then looks up at Kris, demanding an answer.

“To remind you of me,” Kris smiles as he lifts his hand and shows the similar thing on his finger, “and to remind me of you.”

Tao stares again at his hand. A plain, silver band wraps around his ring finger. “To remind us of each other.” To remind us of what we had and what we could’ve been.

“To remind you,” Kris pauses shortly to glance at Tao’s ring, “that you will always have all of my heart.”

That sends a pang on his heart. Tao takes Kris’ hand, where the ring rests perfectly. “To remind you,” Tao replies, “that I won’t be waiting, but I will always be ready to have you again if God ever allow me to.”

Tao finds an iPod doc in the bedroom. He brings it outside and places it at the dining table. He tells Kris to move all the furniture aside to make a space for them in the middle of the room and plays a cheap clubbing song Baekhyun once sneaked into his phone. Kris gives him a judging look, but he laughs it off and pulls Kris to move his body. They end up dancing messily around the room, dragging each other aimlessly, laughing all the while.

They’re in a trance, stuck in a limbo, smiling like they ever stood a chance.

Kris eventually pulls Tao into a kiss when the song ends, and somehow they make it to the bedroom, and it’s like last night all over again. Tao falls back onto the bed, clothes are being thrown away again, Kris pauses for a while to stare and stare, Tao tugs gently on his hair to let him know that they shouldn’t waste any second, and Kris proceeds. Somewhere along the rhythmic pressure below his waist and Kris’ chant of his name, Tao realizes that they are a bittersweet, tragic story. A tale of two souls wanting more than what they are fated for.

They were built to fall apart.

At 4 PM, Kris excuses himself to go somewhere out of the area. “I won’t be long.” Kris tells him, and a wet kiss on the temple of his head follows suit. “Just need to take care of something.”

“Can’t I come with you?” Tao asks with a pout.

“Adorable.” Kris pinches his cheek. “I’ll come back with dinner.”

“At dinner or with dinner?”

“With dinner. I’ll be back before the sun set.”

Tao gets up as well and put some clothes, following Kris out of the bedroom. He watches from the window as Kris walks down the stairs at the porch and pulls his bicycle with him. However, he pauses at the gate, and Tao watches as Kris picks up a stalk of the white flower from the tiny garden, one of few that had survived the harsh autumn. Kris slides it into the pocket of his jacket and rides his bicycle away.

Sighing, Tao walks back to the living room. He’s very much alone. There’s this buzzing noise in his ears from the heavy silence. Is it going to be like th