In life, we are told that it’s our own choices in life that define us; that we are in control of the intricately woven strings that encompass our entire existence.

I had always believed this to be true, from the very moment my father spoke these words to my younger self, his large fingers ruffling my hair as my large eyes sparkled up at him as if he were on top of the world.
As I stand here, now a wiser man myself, I realise how he was trying to shield me from this harsh reality.
Now, I no longer stare up at the sky. Instead I am staring down at the pallid, frost bitten ground, any sparkle now long gone from my cold, faded eyes.

As a child, the world shimmered in a veil of innocence, shading those hopeful eyes from the darkness that loomed behind it. Back then, the world seemed to be a place of wonder, and the sky so vast.
Then, I grew up.
Suddenly, I found my father had it all wrong; it’s the choices others make for you that define you. No longer was I allowed to think for myself in this hollow, corporate wasteland. You are simply one face in a crowd of millions, trying desperately to fit in and live to die another day.
In the real world, innocence has long since passed, replaced by dreary morning commutes and constant overtime.
Each day is simply the same medial routine, and you lose a little piece of yourself to the ephemeral expectations of society.
Night brings you no solace as you steal away those rare moments alone. You simply become your own worst enemy as your mind leaves you alone with your insecurities, to drown in self-loathing even as you try to lay to rest.

As the dull, melancholy routine that was my life weaved through the days ever so slowly, I began to wonder if this was the peak. Would the remainder of my life simply remain as this, simply merging into a crowd as another faceless conformer?
Each day brought no new excitement, nothing to break the routine.
Was this all I was? All I was ever to be?
If my life was only ever to amount to this, was it even worth living?

After years of gray, a small slither of sunlight finally poured through the clouds.

It had been yet another sleepless, summer night. My mind was plaguing me with the usual torturous thoughts, as I so desperately tried to lose myself in the soothing clutches of sleep.
Instead, I decided to escape my thoughts and take a midnight walk to clear my head.
I sat up lazily, still fully clothed due to my lack of energy to change into sleepwear. Throwing on the nearest pair of shoes I could find under the mess of dirty laundry, I slammed my door shut and began the long endeavour down the stairs of my apartment complex.
Unfortunately the elevator was broken, but it was due to be repaired soon. Although that notice was summoned around two years ago.
After bracing the seven flights of stairs, I finally exited out into the warm, summer’s night. My impulsive midnight walk led me to my nearby local park; it was my personal favourite choice for unwinding as the trees blocked out the constant busy sounds of Seoul. With only dim street lamps to light my way, I stole a rare moment to myself as I listened to the trees roll with the warm summer night's breeze, eyes closed as I melted away with the wind.

However, soon enough I would find my shot-lived peace interrupted as i landed myself in unexpected company. As I strolled along the broken concrete, I noticed a silhouette moving around in the corner of my vision. With curiosity suddenly peaked, I turned my attention to the worn playground ahead, as a brunette male finally came into my vision. He was silent as he swung freely on the swing set, his eyes closed in bliss and a small smile adorning his face. Without immediate realization, I found myself entranced in that very moment.

It nearly stole my breath away.

Unfortunately it wouldn’t take long before I was caught in my shameless gawking as gazes finally met for the first time. I simply turned my head away in embarrassment, trying to act casual as I continued strolling along. The male, who appeared to be around the same age as me- if not younger- slowed to a halt as I began to walk past him. I could feel him silently judging me as I waked past, suddenly feeling strangely vulnerable under his overwhelming gaze. Eventually his voice cut through the thick silence of the night, catching me off guard as those velvet words broke the awkward tension between strangers.

“Wanna try? It’ll help you clear your head,” I was left unable to answer for a few moments as I couldn’t help but marvel at how wonderful that voice sounded. Eventually though, I realised I’d eventually have to provide some sort of coherent response, so as to not provide any more awkward silence between us.

“What makes you think I need to clear my head?” I asked, masking my genuine curiosity with my typical, monotonous tone that I preferred to use. His words drew me in, leaving me wanting more from the mysterious, midnight stranger. The brunette laughed, his eyes curling in amusement as he rocked back and forth on the swing ever so slightly. Never had I been so entranced by a person I had known for less than a minute, but then again I don’t think I’d ever seen someone smile with such genuity.

“Why else would you be walking alone after midnight?” he said teasingly, as he continued to swing once again. While still quite puzzled, I found myself unable to argue; after all he was completely correct in his assumptions. I pondered for a few moments, grounded as I fought internally. The rational part of me told me to keep going, but for once my heart spoke clearly, and begged me to get closer to this stranger. So far his every word and action had left me wanting ever more.
I sighed, eventually giving up and walking over to join him on the swing set. While he spoke no words, his facial expression showed his joy that I’d finally succumbed to his strange invitation. I sat down on the vacant swing, placing my hands on the cool chains that were suspended on either side of me.
I hadn’t used one of these in decades; not since I was but a child.
“Come on, what’re you waiting for?” the other male laughed innocently, noticing my hesitation as I stared down at the ground. As an adult, my pride told me that this was foolish, this was an activity for children. But at the back of my head, there was a small voice begging me to push.
I sighed inwardly, closing my eyes as I eventually pushed off the ground. I started off slowly, but eventually as I kicked my legs backwards and forwards I began to gain the momentum I needed to meet the brunette’s pace. I was soon reaching for the stars, a cool air rushing against my face as I swung freely into the night. At that moment, for the first time in a long time, I truly felt alive. I became entranced by that moment, as my fears and insecurities simply melted into the dark sky. Soon enough, I found myself laughing alongside this stranger next to me, as if childhood friends messing about. It was a truly euphoric feeling.

But all things that flew eventually had to return to earth. I began to slow, digging my old sneakers into the bark chips as I slowed to a halt. As I finally came back down to Earth, so did my embarrassment. I kept my eyes fixated on the ground below me, my face flushed deeply as the male next to me also slowed to a sudden stop. I was too nervous to make eye contact, but as a hand reached out below my face, I finally gained the confidence to look up. I was flooded with instant regret as I did.

“I’m Daesung,” The brunette introduced himself with the sweetest smile as I hesitantly took his hand in my own and shake it.

“Seunghyun”

It was at that very moment I had fallen for him, and it terrified me completely.