It was another night out for Soonyoung. It was another night without slumber for the performance unit leader. It was another night for him to aimlessly walk around the park. It was another night, another reminder of his foolish mistakes and selfish actions months ago.

Soonyoung hated himself for doing what he did. He hated himself for pushing everyone away, even her. He hated looking at the mirror and seeing this man who broke someone's heart. He detested himself. He felt guilt eating him alive.

Before Soonyoung stepped out the dorm, Seokmin managed to get a hold of his wrist. It was obvious the ever-smiling vocalist was worried but Soonyoung shook his head. Even Seokmin could not stop him from feeling this way. Seokmin wanted to stop him. He wanted his friend to stay and tell him everything but Soonyoung always pushed him away.

“Just let me in there,” Seokmin pleaded but Soonyoung shook his head.

“Ever since she left, no one's been there. Sorry, I have to deal this on my own,” Soonyoung told him before shaking his grip away. Seokmin wanted to reason out but Soonyoung would not listen. He turned his back on him and continued walking into the darkness of the night.

Soonyoung felt so empty. His chest was empty ever since she took everything away. But he knew it was his fault. He was the first one to break her heart. He was the reason why this disaster happened. He was the reason of his own suffering.

This was the only punishment which fitted the idol for all he put her through.

Soonyoung remembered everything as if every moment happened the day before. He remembered every time she smiled at him. He remembered every time she cooed an “I love you” into his ear. He remembered every text message she sent, every “How are you?” and “Eat your meals!” He remembered every time she held his hands. He remembered when he held her in his arms, he felt like he's holding his whole universe.

But why did he do that?

Why?

Soonyoung didn't know why. He wasn't sure why. That night was so blurry. He didn't remember anything except for her tears. He didn't remember anything except for her words, except for the fact she hit him several times. He didn't remember anything except for s restraining her from harming herself.

Soonyoung glazed a hand over his neck. The tighter you hold on, the less pressure you would feel. Before he could hold his neck, he stopped himself. No, not tonight. This night was far too beautiful to do that addiction. He wasn't going to strangle himself, even if he wanted to.

Soonyoung walked by a bench and stayed there. He sat there, hugging himself because of the cold air. He remembered autumn was coming. He remembered how much she loved walking through the falling leaves. He remembered she loved sharing scarves with him. He remembered she loved holding his hands and feeling his warmth.

He could feel his tears forming. He wanted to cry but at the same time, he didn't want to. He could feel the pieces of his shattered heart piercing his insides. He could feel his sanity slowly vanishing. He hated himself for hurting her. He hated himself for taking her for granted. He hated himself for letting her go.

Soonyoung's knees went weak. He found himself kneeling on the ground, as if he was wishing for forgiveness for the sins he did. But he knew he was never going to get the forgiveness he wanted. What he did was just inconceivable. And she was the one who went through hell because of him. He made her feel the hurt Soonyoung was supposed to feel alone.

All this time, he wanted to see her, to meet her personally again. But he never had the courage to ask her to do that. He was too afraid of what might happen. He was too afraid to see how she would react. He was too afraid of the words that'll pierce the remainder of her heart. He was too afraid of her at that moment.

Soonyoung asked himself how he managed to do that to her, how dare he break her fragile heart even though everything she did to her was pure goodness. She remained loyal to him and loved him with all her heart. But Soonyoung hurt her. And that hurt won't be erased any time soon.

“Why? What did I ever do to you? Soonyoung-oppa, was it bad that I love you? Was it ever a sin to give you my all? Is this my punishment?”

Her words haunted him like a ghost. Maybe, maybe it was bad, it was a mistake to love him. Maybe it was a sin to give him her all. But she didn't deserve what Soonyoung did to her. She was an angel to him. Maybe Soonyoung was the devil himself for what he put her through.

Soonyoung held his face and let the tears flow. He gave himself the privilege to cry. He wanted to let it all go. He wanted to forget all about her but how could he do that? He loved her. Though no one could find the logic of what he believed in, he loved her. He wondered where he got the evil idea from.

“No, please, no. I can explain! I can...”

“How can one find any explanation to this?” Her eyes were filled with hurt. She gestured to the woman beside Soonyoung. “I thought I was enough. You told me I was enough. Turns out,” she picked up the soju bottle and hit it against the table, sending shards of ice all over the floor. Soonyoung flinched, the woman beside him too. The other members of Seventeen only watched with grim expressions on their faces.

“Turns out, there was someone else,” she pointed the remaining part of the bottle at the pair. Soonyoung thought she was going to throw the bottle at him but she pointed the pointed ends at her neck. Before she continued her actions, Jisoo grabbed her arms and put it behind her. She thrashed around, trying to have Jisoo let her go but both Wonwoo and Seungcheol stopped her from doing so.

“Soonyoung, tsk, tsk,” Jeonghan looked at him with cold eyes. It was the first time Jeonghan looked at him that way. It was the first time Jeonghan ever looked at anyone that way. “I thought you were going to take care of her, that's why I let you take her away. I thought you were a man with dignity, turns out I was wrong.”

Jeonghan turned to Jisoo who was hugging the hurt girlfriend. He was trying to calm her down. He was trying to take the bottle away from her. Seungcheol and Wonwoo were trying to put her in place.

“No! Just let me go! Let me go! I don't want to...” Tears fell from her eyes before her knees turned weak. Luckily, Jisoo was there to catch her before she fell. “Soonyoung-oppa… Was I ever a bad girlfriend? Did I do anything wrong?”

Soonyoung couldn't open his mouth. The woman beside him was silent too. Jeonghan made himself an obstacle so that she could not see Soonyoung. He didn't like seeing her hurt. He trusted Soonyoung. He thought Soonyoung would care for his best friend. He thought wrong. He was very wrong.

“Take her away, Joshua. Take her home. Make sure she doesn't hurt herself. Tell her sister all about this so that she couldn't hurt herself.” Jeonghan turned to Soonyoung after the pair left with the rest of the members.

“And you… You, Kwon Soonyoung, I hope you'll think long and hard about this. She's a good girl and you just threw her away as if she was trash. I thought… Because I trusted her decision, I trusted you but I was wrong. Jisoo was right, I didn't know you well enough to trust her heart to you,” Jeonghan gave Soonyoung a disapproving look before heading for the door.

“And you know what? I hope you rot in hell for what you did. You know I treasure loyalty. And hurting her this way was just so vile. You should've dumped her if you were going to throw her aside like this.”

“Sorry.”

“I'm so sorry.”

Soonyoung told the moon above him. He wanted to erase his sins but he knew his sins will remain with him until he died. After that incident, Jeonghan never talked to him. Jisoo was the same. The other members were rather awkward around him. He knew the performance unit felt the same but they wanted to avoid any problems.

“If I was wiser, If I weren't stupid,” he told himself. He closed his eyes. “If I treasured her for the treasure she is, this would never happen to me. I still dream of her. I still think of her but all of this is in vain. Because I have no right to see her. I have no right to have these feelings for her.”

Soonyoung let himself fall on the cold dirt. He let himself be frozen by the cold wind passing by. Maybe, he might be able to sleep that way. Maybe, with all of the drama he went through, he was tired. He closed his eyes, letting his arm settle on his head.

“Maybe, I will dream of you again. Maybe, I'll never get over you. And maybe, I'll die alone because of this. But I think it's better this way. It's better because it's you. All of this is fine because it's you. No other woman would make me like this but you. I deserve this because I hurt the woman I love,” Soonyoung smiled to himself.

“Yeah, I have to say, I still love you.”