Sulli’s pov

4:02. Still awake. Its been the 11th day since I officially left f(x). Literally my everything. Whenever I think about this, my tears start pouring down, like the rain outside. Its raining cats and dogs, and I would love to think that it is because it understands how I feel. The feeling of being unwanted. Betrayed. Like you’ve spent many years doing nothing. Like you are rejected by everyone. Even the ones you love and thought they love you too.

I got up, changed into a pair of saggy pants and a t-shirt and went outside. I didn’t even bother to bring an umbrella- I need to clear my mind out. I let the rain pour freely on me. I was drenched but I don’t care. I wanted to scream out loud. Scream all the loneliness out. Scream all the anger out. Scream all the fear out.

Soon, I arrived at the place. The place near our dorm. Oh no, its not ‘ours’ - its theirs.  To the beach along the seashore. The rain stopped. Waves moved gently towards the sand. The whole view was beautiful- but this isn’t what I want. I want Soo Jung. Yes, that amazing girl who was once my best ever buddy. The girl who stabbed my heart. The girl who betrayed me and put me in to depression. She is the one I want now.

Its been a while since I have walked down this familiar beach. This is the place where I shared tears, joy and relieved all the stress with soo jung since pre-debut. We were best friends. Everytime I was stressed out or depressed, soo jung had always been a shoulder to cry on. At times when we were misunderstood for being impolite or being lazy on stage, we cry all night here. We hug each other to show support. She was my only spritual pillar. Without her, I would collasp.  We shared the deepest scars in our minds and different secrets and we became so close.

It’s the place which no one except us would come. They wouldn’t dare. We spread rumours that there were ghosts inside. Soo jung and I laughed our asses off among ourselves.

All these happy moments were gone. I left everything behind. Sorrow and loneliness is replaced. I left Vic unnie, Amber unnie, Luna unnie and even Soo jung behind. It hurts, but at least it is the best for my precious unnies and Soo jung. I know I’m dead weight to them. I am the least person they would want to see now. They futures are bright. F(x) is bright-without me. I’m an unwanted piece of rubbish. Everyone turned their backs on me. Even the ones I trust and loved. I know I deserve it.

I thought Soo jung and I built unbreakable and precious bonds. I thought we would have happy and irreplacable memories. Most of all, I thought all the ups and down are worth it. Now, I found out everything I believed in are wrong. Reality is cruel. Nothing is the same anymore.