*historical!selu. Inspired by this tweet. 

 

 

Trust

An extremely simple word but something so hard to do. It is a word which probably doesn’t exist in anyone’s dictionary in this place.

Luhan kept her smile on as she listened the concubines trading barbs. A daily occurrence which she had grown accustomed to for the past ten years. But this morning was different because she had come to a realisation that she was weary. She was weary of listening to these concubines scheming against each other but behaving as though they were sister the next time they meet. She was tired of watching these concubines fighting and resorting to deceitful for the affection of the Emperor.

It was stupid, it was pointless and most of all, it was pathetic and so laughable

As though being trapped in this cage wasn’t enough, they had to fight against each other to death for the affection of one man which is probably the most selfish man that Luhan had ever known. All of them blinded by the splendour and luxuries of this place that they had forgotten what was lurking at the back.

“This is enough for this morning, I am a little tired now – “

“We will not bother you any longer then,” one of the concubines spoke up immediately.

All she had to was just one gesture, one smile and one word to get her meaning across and everyone will jump to do her bidding. This was what being the Empress mean yet at the same time, each of her gestsure, her smile and her words had to be thought over carefully because everyone is waiting for her to slip up. 

Luhan simply gave them a nod and everyone stood up, leaving the room, leaving the room empty within seconds save for Luhan and her attendants. 

 

 

“Leave me to be,” Luhan said to her attendants. They looked at each other, not moving until Luhan repeated her order again. It was only when they closed the door that Luhan let her mask fall.

She had thought that she will do just fine without the Emperor’s love. All she needed was the Empress’s position and the respect of everyone else. But that was just a lie that she had constructed to keep herself sane in this place. She had once believed in love too. She wasn’t this jaded from the start, she wasn’t this distrustful when she first entered here. But this place forced her to leave her innocence behind, this place forced her to outwit everyone else, to be always a step ahead.

She had to be more scheming, more ruthless and more heartless in order to survive here. 

This place forced her to become someone she never wanted to be. So she slowly retreated behind her mask, keeping everyone out because she was afraid to trust anyone. She had become so laughable now, she had become someone she hated. 

“I heard that you wasn’t feeling well?” Sehun entered the room. His voice gentle, his eyes filled with concerned as he sat down beside her. If this was anyone else, they will probably thought that the concern was real.

But Luhan knew better. 

Luhan was prepared to answer him just like how she was always used to but strangely, she wasn’t up to it today. “What if I said that I am actually tired of everything?”

Surprise was in Sehun’s eyes, “You – “

“Tell me honestly, do I mean anything to you?” Luhan asked. This question which burned at the back of her mind with each new concubine entering into the harem. This question that she wanted to ask whether she saw Sehun being affectionate and gentle with one of the concubines. Sehun had promised her that she will always be the one he kept in his heart no matter how many woman he had. Sehun had told her that she is special, no one can replace her.

Yet he had taken the side of those concubines, standing up for them instead of trusting her. Similarly, he had done nothing despite knowing that their first child had died due to one of the concubines. He should be the one standing up for her but he never did. He had hurt her over and over again, dimming the sparkle and love she once had. 

She thought she had known him but really, she didn’t. Not in the past and probably not in the future.

“You know that you do mean – “

“Sehun, how many more lie do you want to continue feeding me? Am I still the gullible Luhan of the past?” Luhan shook her head sadly. She should have known so why did she still hope for a different answer? “You promised me once that I will be your only one but – “

“I needed those woman in the harem because I needed the support of their family.” Sehun explained. “You know this – “

“I know, I know you all too well.” A tear slipped down Luhan’s face. “I know that I shouldn’t have agree to marry you, I know that I shouldn’t have fall for you. I know all of these. But what can I do if my heart still pains me?”

Reaching out, Sehun attempted to wipe Luhan’s tears away only for Luhan to avoid his touch. “Did I disgust you now with who I have become?”

“No because I am the one at fault.” Luhan told him. “I should have seen it. I should have known that you are first the Emperor of this country then you are my husband. In fact, this never did change except that I choose not to see it in the past.”

Clenching his hands tightly, Sehun didn’t say anything for a long while when he finally decided to ask. “Do you regret our marriage then?”

Giving a humourless laugh, Luhan wiped her tears away with the back of her hand. “I regretted meeting you, I regretted falling for you. I regretting not waking up from those dreams that I have. So yes, I regretted this marriage. I hate you, I really do. ”

“You can be more ruthless than me once your mind is made up,” Sehun said with a sad smile.

“I am tired,” Luhan told him. “Just leave me alone, I will give you back the Empress Luhan once tomorrow comes.”

 

 

Alone in the study chamber, Sehun touched the jade gingerly. This was the love token between Luhan and him. Once upon a time, there was a beautiful girl who had the brightest smile that he had ever seen. She was so pure, so innocent and easy to read as well as all of her emotions were seen clearly on face. There was no pressure being with her, Sehun had enjoyed being with her because there was no pretence between them.

Yet things changed.

When exactly did it change? Was it those times when yet another new concubine entered the Palace? Or was it when she learnt that the death of their first child was done by one of the concubines? Or was it those times when he decided to take the side of one of those concubines because he needed the support of their family?

He didn’t know. It was only when he saw her shielding herself from him that he realise he might have lost her, that he was too late to save this bond that they used to have. Luhan had once meant home to him but he had destroyed being the one who changed her.

Sehun rarely regret anything but now, he did. He regretted destroying the woman that he love.

 

 

“Your Majesty! The Empress’s chamber is on fire!” One of his attendants rushed into the study, jotting Sehun out of his thoughts.

Sehun got up immediately, the jade slipped from his hand and dropped onto the floor, breaking into pieces. Picking the pieces up hastily, he ran to the Luhan’s chamber. The fire was big despite the amount of people pulling out the fire.

“Where is the Empress?” He asked one of them.

The attendant’s face turned pale, his legs shook. “The Empress is still inside.”

Clenching the jade in his hand tightly, “If the Empress doesn’t get out safely, all of you will pay with your life.”

A few minutes have passed yet there was no news of Luhan, Sehun was about to step in when one of the attendants held him back. “Your Majesty, you can’t – “

“Let go of me!” Sehun ordered but no one budged. “I – “

“Your Majesty, you have to consider the welfare of this country – “

“Your Majesty, we found the Empress.” One of the attendant rushed over to Sehun before kneeling. “The Empress was – the Empress – “

Sehun could feel his heart drop as the images of Luhan smiling at him flashed past in his mind before he gave into darkness.

 

 

“Where is Empress Luhan?” Sehun had asked immediately when he woke up only to be meet with silence. “Get out, I want to be alone.”

“Your Majesty, the Empress had given this to one of the attendants to pass it to you.” The attendant handed him a letter with a writing that he was extremely familiar with. 

It was only when everyone left the room did Sehun let his mask drop and opened the letter. 

“I lied. I am sorry, I lied to you.

I never regretted meeting you. I never regretted marrying you.

My only regret is probably seeing past the lies that you have painted for me.

If only I didn’t, I can still live in the illusion that you love me.

If only I didn’t I can pretend that nothing changed.

You are just Sehun and I am just Luhan.

If only I didn’t.

Yet, if I was asked to choose, I rather that we never meet. 

If reincarnation exist, then let our fate end here.

Never to tangle with each other again.”

 

Touching the wetness on his cheek, Sehun realised that it was his tears. He hadn’t thought that he will ever cry but what is this emptiness that is slowly filling him up, what is this loneliness that is making it hard for him to breathe?

Is this Luhan’s punishment for him?   

 

 

Using the cloak to shield her face, Luhan saw the noticeboard where there was a decree that the whole country will be in mourning for the Empress for the next seven days.

“Your – “

“I am not the Empress anymore,” Luhan said quietly a small smile on her face. A smile which comes from her heart. “I am simply Luhan. Come on, let’s leave the capital before the night falls.”

This is goodbye, Oh Sehun.

 

 

 

*an: so hi guys, i am still alive and kicking so this is something that i have written to slowly ease me back into writing. so yes, luhan isn't dead. she faked her death as mention by sehun, luhan can be ruthless when she made up her mind. so she decided that ten years is more than enough. while she probably still love sehun somewhere in her heart but still, she have woken up. alright, hope that you guys like this and yes, i probably really shouldn't return with angst. appreciate all your comments, upvote and subscription. 

 

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