Lee Howon. He was the definition of determination and hard working. He knew he was stubborn. But he knew what he wanted and he would definitely get it. He determined his future at such a young age.  He parted way with his family and he knew he didn’t have time to play around. He was constantly worked on something but he always felt that he never had enough time. He felt that he had to achieve everything before he can rest. Ever since he accepted in Woollim he knew that he has his way to make his dream come true. But he had his flaws too. He was from Busan, so he had to work on his dialect. He was not fond of smile, so he had to practice to smile. His position was a main dancer, so he had to rap too even though he prefers singing. But he could work on them with a lot of practice. Something that he couldn’t do much with practice was his social ability.

Lee Howon was the epitome of awkwardness. He felt grateful that he can work just fine with . But he knew his relationship with other members was not the best. He could always count on Sunggyu and Woohyun to overcome his awkwardness. Dongwoo would always be the easiest to approach to even for stranger. And Sungjong sassiness made him strangely approachable. But Myungsoo and Sungyeol were another story. Even though Sungyeol and Myungsoo character were like the polar opposite, they were similar in an odd way. Maybe that was why Howon couldn’t help but maintain his relationship toward them as business partner.

He felt weird, because they were the two members which have the closest with him. Hell, he even born on the same year with Sungyeol. But Sungyeol was like the most distant member with him, even more so than Myungsoo. How this beautiful world worked again? But their relationship couldn’t prevent him from notice. He noticed Sungyeol’s smile, laugh, joke, and every little things about Sungyeol. He noticed Sungyeol’s beauty marks and he admired it. He noticed how kind Sungyeol is. He noticed how childish Sungyeol is. He noticed how hard Sungyeol work on his dancing. He noticed and he realized how aware he is to Sungyeol. He aware and he knew he can do nothing about it. What with Sungyeol treated him just as mere band mates. He felt like some student who happened to have a crush on their classmate who never associates with him other than being classmates. One sided love acquired a lot of thing to grow more and he felt that now he had no time for that. He always told himself that now is not the time for love. He believed that successes will follow by everything. In the mean time, he just have to dealt with his one sided love. He believed he could handle his feeling.

What he didn’t know was one sided love was not the worst case. And he have to learnt it hard way.

Hoya POV

“Oh my God why are they not finished yet?” Sunggyu grumbled grumpily on the front seat of their car.

“Just give them 5 more minutes hyung, I’ll text Yeol now” came Myungsoo voice from behind.

“But I want to take a baaaaath! Hoya, could you please drag them down here?”

“The door just right beside you hyung!” don’t blame me, I am deadly tired too.

“So are you and I am older, get your now, hurry!” perk of being younger, yeah.

I couldn’t think too straight because I am so tired. I didn’t even wonder why Sungyeol and Dongwoo take so much time behind. And most importantly I didn’t even knock. And there they were kissing in front of me. I went blank for a moment processing what I see. But then I heard Sungyeol sobbing, so my sense back. Then I realized that Sungyeol and Dongwoo kissing and Sungyeol cried.  A whole lot of a mess going on in my head.

Now I understood what their affection for each other meant. I never thought too much because Dongwoo was originally affectionate to everyone. But now I could see how different Dongwoo’s gaze at Sungyeol is. Sungyeol never tolerated skinship, apart from Dongwoo and Myungsoo. Maybe Sungyeol cope with Myungsoo because they are best friend, but Dongwoo? Even me, couldn’t tolerate Dongwoo’s touchiness. Now everything made sense and I can’t help but felt empty.

But then they were aware of my presence. They looked surprised to see me. It made me want to ask them million questions. Since when, are they together? Did the other members know? Why did they hide secret from us, from me? For how long did they plan to lie? How could they do that to me? Didn’t Sungyeol know that I love him? But how could he know that I love him?

“Why did you cry?” I didn’t know why I choose to ask that. But I looked at them, and I noticed that Sungyeol’s tears made my heart hurt. I want to wipe his tear I want to tell him that I will always look at him. I will always be there for him. I even forgot for awhile that Dongwoo stood beside him.

“Oh… I am just tired hehe… you know, when you are so tired you want to cry?” He actually laughed to make me at ease. Oh how could I not love him again?

But then Dongwoo wiped his tear for him, and it kind of hurt to see.

“Hoya, we are sorry that we didn’t announce our relationship. We figured that you all will know eventually, and I think it was just the time for you to know?” Dongwoo told me oh so softly. I couldn’t get angry at him, because I know they deserve each other. I just felt frustrated how left behind I felt at that moment. What will happen if I try to pursue my love? What will happen if I confessed to Sungyeol?  What will happen if I would do something about my feeling?

“Now, I can count on you not to tell others kay?” Sungyeol smiled his gummy smile oh so brightly at me.

“I supposed you come to fetch us per Sunggyu request, so let’s not make him wait any longer” Sungyeol walk past me and touch my shoulder lightly. And I felt electricity come from his touch. I fell too deep in love with him. I felt too dumb to realize Dongwoo’s stare at me. He didn’t say anything, but he grabs my hand and we stand like that for awhile until he brings me back to the car. That moment I just knew that Dongwoo understand how I felt toward Sungyeol.

In the dorm I stare at my reflection in bathroom for the longest of time. That time I realize, when I try to burry my love, I didn’t, I just plant it deeper and deeper in my heart. It didn’t disappear, it just became stronger and deeper that it was too hard to dug it up and throw it. And that very moment I realized that one sided love wasn’t the worst. Silent love is. The love which other party didn’t even know it existed. The love without refusal or rejection, love without recognition.

I cried and cried.